Only half nuts: 2007

2007

Happy New Year to all of you. For all my blogs that are trying to expand their family, my wish to you is a baby filled 2007. Those of you that are trying to quit a bad habit, think about how you are hurting those you love, that may be the motivation you need. Those of you that are feeling low, go out of your way to make a friend by being a friend. As for me, I think I will write my story. I will start at the beginning and post pieces as I go along. There are too many things that nobody knows and it is all part of what makes me, well, me. I found out today that our very young neighbor has entered Hospice. She is not someone I know well though our youngest boys play together. I knew she was sick but I didn't know she was dying. I think the thing that makes me feel the worst is that I never really cared for her. She always had an air of superiority and I thought she was stuck up. Now I never will get to know her and it makes me sad that I never gave her a chance. Maybe she would have been a good friend. All I can think of is all the times I am whiney about stupid things that in comparison are miniscule to what their family is enduring. What a crappy way for them to start a new year.

Please talk me out of it

I spent a couple of days with family in Michigan and fell madly in love with their dog. I want another one-no I don't, yes I do, no I don't..you get the idea. What I want is the perfect dog..no shedding, cuddly, housebroken but not old, sweet, small enough to fit on the chair with me but not so small it quivers and pees everytime it gets happy. I made my family promise me when we lost our two dogs that they would not get me a Christmas puppy..you know what~I think I was secretly a little disappointed--no I wasn't, yes I was, no I wasn't...whatever. I have a list why getting another dog right now would be wrong..I have to remember to post it all over the house to keep me from caving!

Being a mom

Being a mom basically means working all the time. Whether you are at your paying job or home, you are working. Yesterday I heard the following three questions in a 20 minute time span while I was sitting on the couch reading a new book I got for Christmas: Son#1 "Mom, what’s wrong?" Son#2 "What are you doing Mom?" Son#3 "Are you sick?" THEY WERE ALL TOTALLY SERIOUS! Okay boys this is what a mother looks like when she isn’t cooking for your bottomless food receptacles, washing mountains of your smelly socks and underwear, cleaning the house that you can defile in moments upon entering, refereeing yet another ridiculous disagreement between three semi grown young men that should grow the hell up, answering endless phone calls from cute little lovelies that want to be your girlfriends, and actually working a FULL TIME job on top of it all. If nothing else it screamed to me that I need to spend more time on my ass so it isn't such a foreign sight to my family. I decided today, again, that I will be only laundering hubby’s and my clothes. They all know how to run the washing machine and for a period of time, all were doing their own laundry. When I really looked at the clothes in there today…somehow many many articles of apparel belonged to the boys…they have been slowly sneaking their clothes in my wash loads….not any more. One of them is a bit weird about touching things that have previously touched a body, even his own…he won't use a towel more than once and uses a couple of them each day. The other one, will use them over again but has to find one that is dry on his floor where it landed the day before (don’t even ask-his room is uninhabitable.) The last one I have to push into the shower and describe what soap is..(though he is noticing girls so I am thinking that will change soon and he will join his brothers in either the only touch a towel once or the bedroom floor towel supply.) During the summer they all had certain things they had to accomplish before leaving the house. Once school started I let up a bit because they needed to concentrate on their grades…well guess what guys, we are a week into winter break but summer rules apply starting today. Too bad they don’t know I have this blog and won't ever read this, but rest assured they will all get "the talk" tonight!

A funny link

Every Saturday morning I get a copy of an e-newletter that just cracks me up. It proves how many completely stupid people there are all over the place. If you are bored, check it out. http://thisistrue.com. It is free, no, I don't know the guy and have nothing to gain. I think we can all use a little chuckle now and then. I now have 3 hours to bake 6 dozen cookies, wrap 27 presents, clean the house, and go grocery shopping. I am woman, hear me roar. (for those of you that are waaay younger than me, that was a song long ago sung by a lady named Helen Reddy--I have no idea what ever happened to her). Bye for now~

I have to vent

I own my own company. I love being my own boss. Some people are just nasty a**holes. One of my clients called yesterday screaming at me for something that turned out to be TOTALLY UNRELATED to my service. The problem was with one of his office staffers. Ok,I can take it with the best of them but don't call yelling at me for something that has nothing to do with me. I think the thing that ticks me off the most is that this particular physician goes on frequent rants, all while proclaiming to be "a good Christian"..don't even get me started~I just have to remember that for every one like this guy, there are 20 that I get praise from for doing a great job-so why does it bug me so much that this guy is a jerk?

SCORE!

I am notorious for being, shall we say, frugal.I can't remember the last time I paid full price for anything. Today I hit the motherload. My cell phone has been missing an antenna for about 2 weeks. Since I use it for work, it was getting rather old having to run to a window to get a signal every time I got a call. I trucked off today to my friendly cell phone store and asked for a new antenna--they don't carry those at this store but for $25.00 I could order one or go to a larger Spr*#t store. Uhh, I don't think so. My contract is up so I am free to shop around. When I told that to the darling little sales girl I could see her squirming to keep me as a customer. To make a long story short, I ended up with 3, yes, 3 new phones-GOOD phones (think $300 each if purchased), not like the oldies we have been carrying around....so for the price of an antenna for my ancient phone I got a new one for me and two for my older boys for Christmas-SCORE! These phones do everything but wipe butts and the monthly fee is only $10.00 too so I am quite proud of myself. After I left there I went to our local office supply store (where my son happens to work after school and on weekends). I won't tell you which one but it isn't Office Max and it isn't Office Depot and it starts with an S. Anyway, when I was checking out, I asked the cute little check out girl if they gave discounts to family members of employees (I figured what the heck, one of my main purposes in life is to embarrass my kids), she kinda laughed and said "sure, why not"....and took off another 15% off my total. SCORE! Then off to Kohls--same thing...same 15% discount...SCORE! Came home and got a phone call about a video arcade game we were trying to sell....got $100.00 for it (we got it for free about 4 years ago, but estimated current value about $150-$175)-the guy was thrilled to get a deal and I got a SCORE! What a day :)

Toes

I wish I had taken a picture of son#2's toe before we left for the doctor today. He has been struggling with the same ingrown toenail for months...3 rounds of antibiotics, yet this morning when I saw his toe by accident I was horrified! Apparently he has been self treating with hydrogen peroxide, antibiotic cream and tweezers--needless to say it was time for another trip to the doctor.He hadn't wanted to show it to me and didn't tell me how bad it was because he didn't want to have anyone touch it, since it was so painful--DUH! I was able to get an appointment with the local podiatrist thinking he would just give more antibiotics-blah, blah-well not so lucky. Son#2 ended up with outpatient surgery on a toe that would not get numb even with 4 injections of lidocaine. I sat there and held his hand, just like I did when he was a little boy, and I swear I could feel everything too. His whole body was shaking and he was covered in sweat. Of course I had to watch the whole damn procedure because nothing grosses me out, but my heart broke for him because it hurt so much....he is a real trooper. He does think that the crutches will be a chick magnet tomorrow in school though :)

Send me a daughter

I am too old to adopt or have more kids but I think if I could be guaranteed a little girl, I might go for it. I am living in a house that is full of testosterone. I adore my boys but what I wouldn't give for someone to watch Lifetime movies with that would "get it" when I feel weepy. Last night I was watching a movie quietly when I heard all the testosterone yell, whoop and holler--it was about the kid that got the Heismann award. In our house you have to be an Ohio State fan or you are not allowed to live here. I pretend alot, because I really don't give a shit about football.

Notice to infertiles

Before I start work in the morning I try to catch up on the 17 (yeah, I know, I spend waaaaay too much time online) blogs that I began reading several months ago. I noticed that 9 of them are now expecting, some with twins. Two more are pending with + home tests, one has avoided a scary cancer scare that while it ripped away her chance of pregnancy, may have saved her life. Now I don't want to brag but isn't it a tad suspicious that since I started reading these blogs (some of whom have been on the horrid infertility treadmill for quite some time) that these ladies are now expecting. I would like to think that I am directly responsible somehow...and none of them even had to rub my belly or anything. We were infertile for 8 years. IT WAS FOREVER. Each time I read one of your stories I am transported back to that time in my life where my only thought was becoming a mom...I feel your pain when you experience a miscarriage, having been there 4 times myself. The emotions are raw and nearly impossible to repress.For me, each positive pregnancy test was a baby--no matter how long the pregnancy lasted, it was our baby and I couldn't succeed in giving it life. I felt like a failure--surely I had done something "wrong". This is an open note to all of you still struggling~~there are so many decisions to make~try to step back from the situation and see it with fresh eyes~if you don't have a support system with your family (they rarely really understand the depth of your pain, while they do sympathize-unless they have been through it, they don't really get it), find someone who has been in your shoes and talk,talk, talk. It really does help. I wish blogging had been around when I was struggling. I would be happy to talk/email to any of you that need to vent or have questions about adoptions and scary pregnancies. I am truly excited for the 9 of you that are queasy :)

I need help with blogger

There are so many wonderful blogs that I read daily that I want to have a list linking them (like the rest of you have). For the life of me I cannot figure out how to do that. Anyone have any ideas for me? Or at least where in the blogger I would find a way to do this?

My past life

Go grab a cup of coffee--this is a long one~~~ Last night I had a dream that my step-father was getting married again. For you to realize how bizarre it is for me to even dream about him, I will have to explain a bit about him. When he and my Mom met, they were both in their late 40’s, with bad marriages behind them. He was a very striking, handsome man and my Mom was swept off her feet. He owned his own business, drove a terrific car, and appeared to be the epitome of a financially secure, humorous, attractive man. They had dated for about 2 years (on weekends since he lived the next state over and worked during the week) when he proposed to her giving her a glaring 5 carat diamond engagement ring. When she told me she was marrying this man, I was so happy, mostly because my Mom was happy. My own father had been an abusive alcoholic that I will post about later. Anyway, they married and had a commuter marriage for about a year because my grandma was very ill and my Mom wouldn’t leave her to move to the new husbands state. New husband was very very sweet about this and understood completely so every Friday he would drive 2 hours to our home, spend the weekend and go back to his job on Sunday night. Looking back, I think it would have been better had this arrangement stayed this way. When my grandma passed away Mom sold our house and we moved to new husbands town and begin our life as a "new family". That’s when things started to change. For the sake of keeping this a blog post and not a novel, I will abbreviate some of the things that ensued. Like most second marriages they each came into it with "baggage" which was to be expected. This was all in the days before pre-nups were everywhere but they had one because it was a second marriage for both of them. The house was his, but Mom was allowed to live there till she passed away should he pre-decease her but the furnishings in the house were hers. Also in the prenup was a line that if she passed away first, he got the ring back.Things went along for a couple of years pretty routinely. Slowly he started to withdraw. He would eat in a different room, watch a second television in a separate room, and eventually he quit talking. Mom kept trying to find out what the problem was but he refused to talk. Literally, not even a guttural response. Needless to say things were getting weird. At one point he started giving her invoices for the ½ of the utilities, he would keep a list of the foods he ate and eventually there were separate grocery lists, one for him and one for Mom and I. Yep, we were descending into some kind of weird hell. He then spent a year sitting in the living room. We could pass in the hall like complete strangers. I spent a lot of time hiding in my room because I was so creeped out. He eventually moved out-taking only the living room TV, he just quit coming to the house. Actually Mom and I started laughing a lot more again and enjoyed each others company. By this time I was in high-school and his absence was actually welcome because I didn’t have to explain this weird guy sitting in the living room. After he was gone about a year, Mom got a call from him. He wanted to meet for dinner. As it turns out they met at the restaurant he had been eating at for this entire past year. He said he was ready to tell her what was wrong. It had nothing to do with her or me, it was his own demons creeping up from his impoverished childhood. They ended up really talking like they had never talked before and he eventually moved back in and things improved. Mom was laughing again, though we still had to pay for any extra sandwiches or cookies we ate-yeah, I know still weird but manageable. Apparently when he was a boy, he was the only one in his family that spoke English. They were Polish immigrants and he was the one, as a young boy, that was sent out to beg for credit so the family could eat, which apparently is something they didn’t do on a regular basis. When he left school in the 6th grade (a fact he never shared with my Mom, she found out from his sister many many years later) he was put to work to support the family. He made a vow at that time, that he would never go hungry again which would explain why he would eat leftovers till they were moldy instead of throwing them out. This is another example of how our childhood molds our adult lives. (No pun intended). Fast forward to 1994-my Mom died. I was married by this time and living about 2 hours away. She was in a hospital near my home when she died and step father was staying with us. Mom had wanted to be buried in her home town that was about 4 hours from my home so we made all the arrangements and off we went. Then things started to get weird again. On the way home from the funeral, he asked for "the ring" back. Oooookaaaay-no problem, just buried my best friend and he is worried I might run off with the ring…Well, I got it for him and he then presented me with an invoice totally $13,000 that he said Mom "owed" him for her part of the water, heat, and RENT for the past few years. HUH? Yeah—Mr. Weird was back. By this time I was an adult and had a voice. I subsequently sent HIM an invoice for maid service, (all the years of cooking and cleaning, laundry, furniture rental, sex (insert big gross here) and everything else she provided for him. Quite the coincidence that the invoice for her services were about the same as his for the "rent" et cetera. Now the only contact I have with him is Christmas cards, getting him caught up on my family and just basically being kind to an elderly man with a lot of demons in his past. I think his is probably a sad life (he does have children from his first marriage) spent mostly alone, but that is the way he prefers it. Anyway, last night I had a dream that he was getting married---wonder if the whole cycle would repeat itself~~

Here's the deal

Ok...Here's the deal...hubby just called and said he and I were invited to the Championship game in Arizona (OSU! OSU!). The tickets are FREE but we have to take care of the airfare...the way I figure it, if I can get 1,000 bloggers to read my blog and each one sends me $1.00, that would just about cover it ;) So, what do you say bloggers...wanna help a poor, old, overworked mother (as if there is any other kind) with 3 teenage sons, spend 2 nights and 3 days ALONE WITH HER HUSBAND for the first time in 14 years? I think the OHN charity is even tax deductible ;) WOW--just thinking about it make me all quivery...Phoenix in January--probably won't be any snow--maybe even a pool, and no teenagers for 3 whole days....all I need is the bucks (clever pun intended), someone to stay at our house so above mentioned teenaged boys don't have ANY fun while we are gone and I need to lose 30 pounds by January 7th. (The other couple that invited us will be sharing a room with us and the wife is hot and 15 years younger than me.) Let me know if you need my mailing address or paypal address.....y'all know you want me to go :) Loads of love from your best blog friend in the world.

wild animals

I have always been a "dog person". Never have I ever owned a cat, in fact I thought I didn't like cats. One day about 6 years ago Son#1 was sledding with friends and when it was time for me to pick him up, he asked if a friend could come home too...."sure" I said...always glad to welcome buddies over for hot chocolate and a movie. As I arrived and he was walking over to the car alone I asked him where is friend was....um, he is in my coat mom~ HUH? Yeah--he found an adorable little guy crying his heart out, skinny, freezing (think 17 degrees outside), and obviously hungry. Well, being the "dog person" I am, I said sure, we will take him home, and find out where he lives and take him home. Well...I called 13 area vets, 2 animal shelters, 15 neighbors and nobody was missing a cat. My biggest problem at that moment was I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT CATS--and hubby thought that the only thing cats were good for was target practice (he was only joking but he had never been a "cat person" either). We scrambled to the store, I bought a cheap litter box, a couple of cans of food and came home to the most frightened kitty I had ever seen. He inhaled 2 cans of food and crawled under my desk and went to sleep. That is how we got cat #1. About a year later son#2 was getting a haircut and outside of the shop there was a lady with a shopping cart full of kitties...I immediately started talking to son to distract what I knew would be inevitable if he saw the cart 'o kitties. Yep, we ended up with cat #2 (he is the one laughing in the above photo, yes...he does laugh). Fast forward several years...we are all still "dog people" but we have become "cat people" too. Clean, easy, quiet, cuddly--dare I say possibly the easiest pet on earth! Having just lost both our dogs in the last couple of months..I am glad my kitties are here to distract me. I will stop now, I am beginning to sound like the weird cat lady..you know the one that has 75 cats and you can smell her house 1/2 mile away.

I'm getting worried

When #3 son was ready to start school, I decided that it was time for me to get back to a "real" job. I had been doing daycare at home and it was fun but I was ready to actually use my intelligence for something other than reenactment scenes from Barney. My background between college and arrival of #1 son, (13 years) had all been medical so it only made sense that I stick to what I knew. The only problem was if I went back to working at our hospital I would be stuck with crappy shifts and have to deal with an administration that was less than "fun". Anyway, I told hubby that I wanted to work somewhere flexible, maybe be my own boss, be here to get the kids on the bus in the morning and off in the afternoon, be able to stay home from work if the school called and said one of the little love's was puking and needed to come home and of course I needed to make money (after all that is why I was going to work in the first place). Once he picked himself up off the floor laughing he told me to tell him when I found that job cause he wanted to work there too. Well within 2 weeks, I was up and running with my own company. I contacted some of the docs that I had worked with all those years and told them I have a computer, time and a hell of a lot of experience in a variety of medical arena's and then I asked them what I could provide for them. I landed my first client, handling his office transcription. With my expansive experience in various areas of medicine and the fact that he knew my work ethic he hired me TO WORK FROM HOME~EUREKA! He then told one of his doc buddies about me and within 2 more weeks I had 4 accounts (talk about timing, the lady that was handling all those accounts closed up shop abruptly so I rode in on my white horse and cleaned up her mess, endearing me to my new clients.) Let me tell you I LOVE MY JOB. I am the best boss in the world(no I am not completely conceited, that is what my staff tells me). Now I am getting to the worried part. It seems like fewer and fewer docs are using transcription services. I have added several clients over the years but lost some due to their retirement. I switched all my clients over to digital and with the wonder of the internet, I can have accounts anywhere in the world. The problem is many offices are now "owned" by large corporations (ie: hospitals) and have their own network they use for their office transcription/charting. That doesn't bother me as much as the ones that go offshore for service. It is reeeeeeally unfair and down right un-American besides, how can I compete with someone that is only making $3.00 a day-and is happy with it?! Anyway, this weekend I am going to send out another mass mailing and see if I can pick up more work. I have the best staff in the world and I don't want to lose them because I can't keep them busy enough. God forbid that I should have to go get a "real" job.

World's worst parent award

I was reading Smarshy's blog and it reminded me of the time that I most felt like the worst parent in the world. Son #1 was in second grade and his teacher asked if he had ever worn glasses. He had not and had passed the little exam they give at school every year so I never thought to go to a real eye doctor for an exam. He was reading and writing by age 4 so nothing seemed amiss. Here is where the worlds worst mother comes in.....I took him to a doc in town here and she said he did in fact need glasses. The day we picked them up, he put them on, we walked outside and he stopped dead in his tracks. He looked at me and said, "look Mom $%&(+# is at the theater", naming the name of the movie on the marquee. The theater was the next block up and this was the first time he had ever been able to see that distance. I stood there feeling like I had robbed this poor child of vision for the first 7 years of his life. On the drive home, he was staring at the trees. He never knew that you could see individual leaves on trees when you weren't standing right in front of them. I still feel bad about it. None of the signs were there. He was excelling in school, reading, writing and never even knew that he couldn't see, until he got his glasses and realized what things really looked like. I don't know if I will ever forget that day and I am sure he wouldn't remember it even if I reminded him. Parental guilt-like a kick in the gut.

Sad day

Those of you that are not animal lovers won't understand this post but those of you that have ever had a special 4 legged friend will totally get this. Today at 4 pm we have to have our Tucker put to sleep. It is time. Time for him, not us. If it were up to us we would keep him around till he couldn't move but actually we are almost there. He has had a better life than many of the humans in this crazy world. It is just so hard to play God. I don't like deciding when life is over. I talked to a couple vets and they assured me that a quiet death while Tucker was sleeping in his own bed would be very rare so we have to take charge. I did extensive internet research about what I could give him before bed one night that would ease him to the "other side"..I couldn't find anything that would work for certain and most things could cause pain or distress, so off we go to the dreaded trip to the vet. There will be a hole in my heart. I have made everyone promise they won't get me a surprise puppy for Christmas, I couldn't take that right now. But, putting it all in perspective, reading all the posts of the horrible trials of infertility and loss that many of you (and I) have had this is a small blip on the radar, but it is my radar and it's gonna suck for awhile.

18 years ago today

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog but just in case, I wanted to share the letter that I wrote this morning to our birthday boy. There are so many people struggling with infertility as we did and maybe this will show them a different way to make a family. I am feeling a little emotional today. I do on each birthday. I not only celebrate his day but I also think about his birth mom. I know she is thinking about him too. By my calculations she would be about 34-35 or so and most likely has a husband and children. I have very mixed feelings....I would love to meet her to thank her for her very unselfish act, but I also would be afraid--afraid that they may connect on a level that I won't understand. Dear **** Eighteen years ago today a wonderful baby was born. We had no idea at the time that we were going to be blessed with him as our son. From the moment you were placed in my arms, I completely adored you and knew you would be special. Not just in the normal "every baby is special" way. There was something in your eyes that day that gave me such peace and hope for the future. Each day you progressed you proved me right over and over. There was never a baby that was more loved than you. First by two very loving young people that wanted you to have every possibility in life to thrive, then by Dad and I who promised to fulfill that hope. You have become a wonderful young man. My wish for you is to have the amazing life you so deserve~ happiness, love, contentment and confidence. If you have those, everything else falls into place. Because of who you are, your life will be full of endless possibilities. Don’t ever be afraid to follow your heart. I know you like to keep your heart hidden at times, but those same eyes I saw as an infant are still showing the spirit that you can't hide from me. I love you more than you can understand at this point in your life. If you have a son one day, only then you may understand how much you mean to me. I love you and am so very proud of the man you have become.

HAIR PANTS

My office is in my home. I spend my days working with the best staff. Above is Tucker. He guards my office door relentlessly except to go eat, and pee, and hopefully not at the same time. He is very very old but his tail still wags furiously when I come back from a long time away (like taking trash to the garage or going out front for the mail). Poor Tucker has cancer and his days are numbered and I think I will probably miss him more than I would miss some of the people in my family. Tucker loves me all the time-I can be completely stinky, have horrendous breath, wear my hair up (I have really ugly ears so I don't do that in public), have mountains of dirty laundry, and make crappy dinners, he doesn't care and I love him for that and for many reasons. I especially love his hair pants. Because he is old, he walks like an old man, shuffling and stiff legged and it looks like he is wearing hair pants.

Some people just don't get it.

I have tried to post several times and for some reason it hasn't saved...don't know if it is Blogger or me but I am going to try one more time. We survived Halloween (I am not a big fan of spending hard earned money on candy that is to be given to anyone over the age of 10 or 11 that just happens to grab a pillowcase out of the closet, throw on a wig and come begging). The day I went to buy the candy (actually October 31st), I was obviously very late in getting my purchase because the only candy the store had was CHRISTMAS CANDY, candy canes, chocolate covered cherries, Christmas Hershey kisses etc. I had a choice to either hit the regular candy aisle and pay way more than I wanted to, or I could give the little buggers the freshest, first batch of Christmas Candy. I went with the regular aisle--I didn't want the neighbor kids to think I was weird. I have them all fooled into thinking that my kids have the coolest mom (my kids don't feel that way but their friends tell them I am). I had one mom (not a neighbor but a classmates mom) a few years back snidely comment that I was the neighborhood "popsicle mom." She meant it as an insult but I didn't take it that way because when the other parents shoo the kiddies out the door in the morning and tell them not to return till dinner, I am the one whose house they come to. This particular woman was laughing at me but guess whose kid is in trouble now?? Yep--little bugger got caught with illegal substances. Mom probably doesn't have a clue that I could have predicted this way back when she was snickering about the "popsicle mom".

Awesome place

This past July hubby had to attend a conference in Palm Springs California and we decided to turn it into a family vacation. It was by far the most incredibly beautiful resort I had ever been to. I started thinking about it this morning because it is 40 degrees where we live and it is dark and raining. Palm Springs was relentlessly HOT while we were there...that might have something to do with the fact that we were upgraded to a condo suite, that was bigger than most peoples homes, for only $99.00 a night. The grounds were amazing, millions of flowers in the middle of the desert and each condo had their own swimming pool, (something like 44 or 46 pools). That was where I decided that I deserved to live like this forever and become independently wealthy. I am planning on stealing money from the kids college funds and leaving a note---at least that is my fantasy of the day. My more frequent fantasy is me waking up each morning, walking out onto my balcony overlooking the ocean and having the hired help bring me a perfectly toasted sesame seed bagel and a bottle of Lipton Green Tea while I plan my day that won't consist of any work. Until my fantasies come through, I will continue to work 7 days a week, too many hours a day and wake up to dreary, bare limbed trees and air cold enough to see my breath....such is life.

Homecoming

Last night was our high schools homecoming dance. We have a senior and a junior this year and they both are dating really sweet girls. At 6 pm last night 16 teenagers showed up here for a group photo event. As I looked at this pretty/handsome bunch of kids it was as though my life flashed before me. It seems like such a short time ago that we were struggling horribly with infertility not knowing if a day like this would ever arrive. Now, in the blink of an eye, I am looking at colleges and working out car payment schedules. I remember many years ago my Mom telling me that the older you get the faster time goes-I was a teenager at the time-and thought she was nuts because time was dragging for me. I wanted my license, I wanted to drink (legally ;), I wanted to fall in love, have kids and the whole white picket fence scenario. Turns out Mom was right once again. It would all happen for me, just not on MY schedule. I thought by this age I would have all my kids either in or finished with college and starting their own lives. Our youngest turned 12 yesterday. All the people I meet that are struggling with infertility, I want to sit them down and tell them that it WILL happen for them too. I truly believe there is a reason for everything that does or doesn't happen to us. I now know that had I not had my miscarriages we never would have thought about adoption and we wouldn't have our oldest son. Without going into a lot of detail, we were meant to be his parents, I will elaborate in a forthcoming post. I just wish I could give a feeling of peace to all of those folks that are struggling right now. It will happen for you, just not on your schedule. It's kind of like that old saying about when you make plans, God laughs.

I have no idea how to remove this

I have no idea how to remove this from my blog. I thought it was cute, but sometimes my thoughts get me in trouble. I am supposed to be working now but I am in a funk and enjoying a little self pity. I own my own business and without going into details, my clients are physicians and quite a bit of them are (excuse the next two words if you are a physician) cheap bastards. I am in danger of losing my biggest client because they can save money by outsourcing work to India. It really sucks. How can I compete in a market where the workers make $3.00 a day? I pay my girls very well...that is why they have stayed with me from the beginning. As a matter of point, I am the best in the area and also the cheapest, that is why my clients have stayed with me for many many years. Yes, I know that doctors need to run an efficient business/practice but there is something to be said about EMPLOYING AMERICAN workers that just seems to be the right thing to do. Sorry-I won't rant any more...I guess I have to get out of my comfort zone and contact physicians all over the country and see if they are interested in the charming, intelligent, type A person that I am. God forbid I would have to go to a job where I would actually have to drag my ass out of my home office--there I go ranting again...it must be the weather...rainy, cold, dreary..yeah the chick above is lying!

Winter is here and it is only October!

Yesterday I looked out my window and saw the leaves swirling in the wind along with the first snow of the year. I am getting too old for this. I remember thinking that all OLD PEOPLE were weird for wanting to leave the snowy north. How could they stand sunshine all the time? How could they survive without skiing, fireplaces, hot chocolate, cuddling under cozy fleece throws---well I think I have finally figured it out. Last night was #3son's final football game of the season. I sat there at 9 pm, wearing 3 layers of clothes, staring at the scoreboard as it counted down the minutes till I could get in my car and back to my house where the furnace is already running and the electric blanket would cocoon me to a blissful sleep. It would have been easier to sit there and enjoy the game but the fact that his team has only won 1 game the whole season makes sitting there a little bit less thrilling. Now we get a break from nightly practices and spending Saturday's traveling to games....the break will last till basketball begins~~at least that is indoors :)

security please

While we were at son#3's football game today the coach approached us and asked us if we could arrange to be at the game next week a little early. It seems that last year when we played this particular team from a neighboring town there was quite a huge fight that escalated, players, coaches, cheerleaders were all ejected from the game. The real kicker is that these are 10 YEAR OLD kids playing this game! Excuse me--where in the hell are the normal people in this world? We let our little junior play for the sport, exercise, fun, camaraderie, team spirit--apparently we are supposed to be teaching him to win at any cost and try to break a few limbs along the way. We have failed as parents. Unfortunately our boys are kind, caring, fun, generous, and a host of other terrible things. I kind of hope that #3 wakes up puking next Saturday and we don't have to go to the game.

Reality television vs reality life

Did you ever notice that on any given television show where there is a steamy morning love making session, where the actors that are supposedly representing real people, wake up with great hair and good breath? My hubby is more than welcome to snuggle up and hug but he had better keep his mouth shut because the creatures that multiply in his mouth every night need to be brushed and swished away before any kind of face to face contact will be made. As for me, I always look like I got my hair caught in some horrific tornadic force while sleeping. I think I need to hire a hair and makeup crew to arrive promptly at 5:45 each morning so I can wake up ready for any whoopee that may be waiting for me. Actually it is hubby's fault that my hair is always a mess. During the night he strokes my hair (he says it relaxes him and personally I love it), but at times it ends up in fuzzy knots. One time we were visiting the in-laws when son #2 was just a baby. While I was feeding him, he always held onto my hair (which is short so it wasn't easily accessible). My MIL saw him and stopped in her tracks. It seems as though #2 sons dad (my hubby) used to do the same thing to her when he was small. Back in the day of station wagons and no seatbelts, he used to stand behind the seats and hold her hair while they were driving. Freaky genetic trait? Not sure but I am a firm believer that we are born as tiny versions of ourselves and are already wired the way we will be...I will have to warn # 2 boys future wife when he meets her--hope her hair has strong roots.

Lying to your kids

Is it wrong to lie to your kids? I have always thought it depends on the situation.As a rule I am very honest with mine..sometimes too honest. They know more things than they should because I have a tendency to expound upon any subject presented to me. The one instance that I had a continuing lie started when they were about 2 or 3. I accidentally "broke wind" (as my dear mother would say), and when they started laughing I asked what was so funny. When they said--"Mommy farted" hahahaha--I looked at them with the most serious face I could muster and told them...."No, women don't fart, we have never learned how, only boys fart". The poor innocent children believed me and from that day on, I would always blame one of them when the accidental PFFFT would be released. They believed me for YEARS! One day they came running in the door yelling for me....they proceeded to say "Mom! Girls DO FART!", Mrs C (our neighbor) apparently bent over to get something out of the oven and let one loose while the boys stood there in shock. I am sure she would be horrified if she knew that they came running home to tell me she farted...I may tell her someday.

Completely bizarre nightmare

Does anyone know why some nights are filled with bizarre nightmares? I don't know if it has to do with stress, something goofy I ate before bed or hormonal shifts--whatever it is, I wish I could make it stop! Last night I had a dream about my husband's aunt (that I have met two times, once 20 years ago and then again this summer) and my nightmare was at the reading of her will. There were so many people there and I only knew a few. It turned into an entire warehouse of things we were supposed to walk through and claim if we wanted them. I am so creeped out right now! She is old, yes, but why on earth would I dream that she had died?! The nightmare went on and on-too long to list all the details here but it was one of those times where I was really really glad when I woke up. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I miss having my Mom here to talk to. Actually I don't have any older women in my life anymore and it makes me sad. (Not only because I miss them but because I am increasingly afraid that I am becoming the older woman!) I remember a conversation I had with my Mom when I was in highschool...I was talking about grandma--her mom, and she told me she still missed her everyday-not in a morose or morbid way, just the fact that she wasn't there any more. At the time I thought, yeah, that must be yukky but I went on my way and didn't really think about it. Now I know what she meant...there is just something missing. Every time I see a Mom and daughter shopping or having lunch I want to stroll over to them and remind them to keep enjoying each other because one day it will be too late. Yep--this has definitely turned into a morbid blog...didn't mean to do that--guess it was the freaked out nightmare that got me started on this twisted path today....I promise things will lighten up next time :)

Spoiled??

I walked into my office at 6:30 a couple of days ago and this is what I saw. Apparently when my son got up for his shower before school, he thought Tucker looked uncomfortable so he gave him a pillow and blanket. (Now keep in mind that this is a very hairy dog and I seriously doubt he was cold.) Yes, we are the house that all the world's animals hope to find. The last time I went out and actually paid for a pet was about 25 years ago. Since that time we have had several adopt us, but this one, he is the special one that each family should have at least once in their lives. We had no intention of getting a dog when we got him (well, that is my husband had no intention I had been just waiting for the right time to "find" one) and a week before my birthday our little babysitter called and said she had to find Tucker a home-he was a 3 month old fur ball and at that moment I told her to "stop by" with the puppy, but it had to be in the next 17 minutes before my husband was done mowing. When she showed up Tucker ran straight to my husband who was resting in the lawn, licked him crazy and my decision was made. All I had to do was figure out a way to tell hubby that this was now OUR dog and not the babysitters. I gathered up my courage and walked over and after casually agreeing that yes Jenny's puppy is adorable, I told hubby I had some good news....that Tucker was going to live with us for the rest of his life. He looked at me-time stood still-cause I was willing to fight for this little furball. Hubby looked Tucker in the eye, asked him if he was going to be a pain in the ass or a good dog and Tucker sat, cocked his head in an adorable way then jumped up and licked hubbys nose....it has been love ever since. Tucker now has cancer and we all know that his days are coming to an end but no way will he leave us without a pillow and a blanket!

Probably a nice guy

I know I said yesterday that I would tell you about our adoption experience but I have something else that is weighing on me right now. Our youngest is 12, and plays football for a local req team. He has a blast and for the most part all of the players parents are pretty "normal", meaning they don't shoot at the ref's or spew obscenities at the opposing team. Today there was a guy there, walking back and forth along the sidelines with the biggest ass camera and lens I have ever seen. I didn't recognize him as a regular and asked a few folks who he was.....as it turns out, he doesn't have a kid playing, in fact he doesn't have a kid. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Okay, okay, he probably IS just a nice guy that likes sports but what is he doing taking photos of 12 year old boys, THAT HE IS NOT RELATED TO in any way. Being the mother hen that I am, I asked him, very nicely of course, what he was doing. He said he likes to "help" out the teams with pictures of the plays which he posts on a "secure" site for us to look at. Okay, maybe thats true but nobody asked him to do this as far as I could find out. There is something about the guy that really gives me the willies. He was pleasant enough and didn't seem threatened by my asking him who he was but I still got the creeps. There was a part of me that wanted to follow him home, confiscate his hard drive and see if he is a pedophile. Extreme you say? well my gut is usually dead on when it comes to creepiness. If there was a stereotype for creepy this guy would fit....fat, bald, short, minimal eye contact and just an air about him that I can't put into words. Hubby has some well placed law enforcement connections but said it is against the law for any police agency to go "checking out" anyone just because someone wants them too...apparently the guy has to actually do something before anyone can find out. Maybe I can get the head of Hewlett Packard to tap his phones ;)

MAKING A FAMILY

I have said here before that we went through many many years of infertility, miscarriages, hormones, surgeries, and on and on. The one area that I haven't really talked about is our attempts to adopt. I was so completely naive. I thought for sure that we could have a house full of ankle biters without any problem, cuz after all we were a really cool couple. We called doctors, lawyers and indian chiefs (not really, but that completed part of a rhyme I remember form childhood) and I managed to tell every living soul that I had ever met, and even people in the checkout line at the store, that we were hoping to adopt. In our state there is a 6-8 YEAR wait and I wasn't about to wait that long! Lo and behold, a local attorney called us and said he had been made aware of a baby girl that had been born and was being placed for adoption. I was ready to snicker and thought..wow, that was easy. Yeah, right. At 5 am the morning we were to head to the hospital to meet our new daughter, the phone rang, it was the attorney telling us that mom and baby had left the hospital around midnight and were no where to be found. If that news wasn't bad enough, we found out 6 months later that this baby was found in a warehouse, still the size of a 1 month old, and had apparently been lying in her bed for possibly 4 or 5 days cause mom was in the slammer for selling drugs and didn't bother to tell anyone that she had a baby that might need a bottle or clean diaper. I wanted to screeeeem! That little girl was living a hellish life and her life would have been dramatically different if we had been able to be her parents. This isn't the only time an adoption fell through for us but it was the worst one. At least the others were loved and cared for as far as we knew. To this day I wonder about that little girl. She was placed in a neighboring county foster system. She would be a teenager now. I hope she is ok. This isnt the end of our story, tomorrow I will fill you in on the most amazing chain of events that made me a mom.

Kindergarten

Nobody can say that I wasn't incredibly stylish back in the day. If memory serves me right, after this photo was taken, I thought that my bangs were stupid and too short, so I cut them off..DUH--I said I was stylish not terribly intelligent. I can prove that right here...I was tagged yesterday by one mothers journey and I am not sure if this is something I need to ponder or I am required to give quick answers -kinda like Rorschach's ink blot testing...so anyway, here goes: 1. limb---i still have 4 that work. 2. sand -is still in my sandals from our trip to California in July. 3. satisfaction-what I will feel if I land this new account tomorrow. 4. divine--laying in the hammock with a book and anything chocolate.These were instant responses...if I had more time I could come up with some delightfully obscene responses but it is late and I have been working since 6 this morning so the naughty retorts will have to wait till I am feeling more clever. By the way, anyone reading this keep your fingers crossed--I really really want this new client--it could mean the difference between buying the cheap crappy ass toilet paper or the really good soft stuff. More tomorrow.

5 years

It is so hard to believe that it has been 5 years. That morning I was sitting in my office and had Good Morning America on the office TV. When Charlie and Diane said there had been a plane hit the WTC I went to wake my husband. With no real details at the beginning, we naively thought it was just a horrible accident. As we sat there we saw a plane on the right side of the screen. As it hit the second tower we were speechless. I live in a bubble where all is good and fair and for that moment I truly thought it was just another horrible accident--maybe a plane flying too close to get a better look. I am not sure at what point it dawned on me that this was intentional--actually 5 years later I still find it hard to believe. When minutes later we heard about the Pentagon and the United flight that was "missing" and ended up in a field, all I could think was that I had to go get the kids out of school because I was the only one that could make them safe. I had a visceral reaction that I had never had before. For the first time in my life I really wondered if this was the end. I didn't personally know anyone in the WTC's but I am the wife of a police officer and I know what dangers they face daily and I don't doubt that the men and women rushing INTO that building to help others get out, did exactly what my husband would have done. I am in NO WAY minimizing the lives of all of the WTC workers that were lost, it is a tragedy all the way around, but I do know there is something that makes police officers and firefighters tick a little differently than the rest of us. I will allow myself to feel moved and sad today and make sure to give my guys an extra hug when they get home today.

Sweating

I am sitting here sweating and it isn't hot. They call it perimenopause and it sucks. I AM NOT OLD! Well, maybe a little bit old but not a lot old. There should be some sort of law against having perimenopause when you are the mother of 3 teenage BOYS! It's not enough that they make me nuts with their disgusting farting, belching, and testosterone fueled attitudes, I have to drench my clothes 10 times a day while sitting still. When I asked around I heard this can last 10 years---I don't think I can handle that. I get absolutely NO sympathy from any of the men in my life. I am secretly looking forward to the day that they are married. I figure out of 3 sons, statistically at least one of them will have to marry a girl that I will like and I will finally not be outnumbered. Even our dog and cat are male.

A woman's life

I sat down here two hours ago to write a quick blog and saw that my wireless mouse needed new batteries. As I was walking out into the kitchen to get new batteries, I noticed that the breakfast ham was still sitting on the counter so I stopped to put it away. But, before putting it away I thought I would make hubby a quick breakfast (he was sleeping earlier) so I wouldn't have to get out all the stuff again an hour from now. I cooked him breakfast, cleaned up the kitchen and heard a dog barking. I looked at the clock and realized it had been about 4 hours since I had let the neighbors dog out (dog sitting for the weekend) so I threw on some shoes and went next door. I tossed the ball for awhile, fed him and put him back inside and came home. When I got back to my yard one of my employees was pulling in dropping off some extra work she had done and we talked for a bit to get caught up. When I came into the house I made a pitstop in the bathroom and saw that it too was messy so I cleaned it up a bit and walked back to my office. Sat down. Remembered that I needed batteries for the mouse, which was my original reason for getting up in the first place. This is why it seems that I never get anything done but I am busy all the time. Ahhh-the life of a woman!

Money

How come no matter how much money you make it isn't enough? When we were first married and both working good jobs, we never seemed to have enough. I wish I had known then that once the kids came along and jobs changed that things would suck even more. For the past 20 years I have said "$10,000 would solve all of our money woes". It seems to be the magic number--it would cover the cost of all my old appliances that need to be replaced, pay off the credit cards, and cover food for a couple of weeks for my bottomless pit boys. I really, really want one of those new front loading washer/dryer combos but I refuse to charge them and there are so many things that are in line before them that I probably won't be able to afford them till all the kids are out of college and by then I won't be doing 3 loads of wash every day so I won't need the big washer and dryer. I have been trying to think of what I could do that I could make that kind of money and the only thing I can think of is illegal everywhere except in Nevada :) Besides that is waaaay to gross to even think about. Though I have often thought that if you are going to do that anyway, you may as well get paid for it, but not the street-corner sleazy smelly stuff, I want to be wined and dined and given valuable gifts~~like a new washer and dryer.

Quiet days

Well the kids have gone back to school. Yesterday was my first day that all three of them were gone at the same time. Since my office is in my house the silence was very welcoming but it also gave me a glimpse of the future. The oldest is a senior this year and next year at this time I am sure I will be beside myself because he will be off to college. There are days where I wish it was this year but for the most part I am going to miss him terribly. All of my kids are so different. Their temperaments and personalities are so opposite that it is hard to believe that we have raised them all the same way. I am a true believer that you are born the person you will be. Sure the nature vs nurture argument is a big one, but from the viewpoint in our house it is obvious that nature has the most to do with it. One of our kids we were blessed with through adoption and he has certain mannerisms, characteristics, thoughts, etc that have had absolutely nothing to do with nurture. I would love to someday find his birthmother and secretly watch her for an hour or two and see if he is like her. Ironically, I think he became my son because someone somewhere knew that I would understand him and what makes him the way he is. Now it is time for me to get back to work and appreciate the quiet hours.

Faithful friend

Two weeks ago I walked into the vet with our 130 pound baby and left without him. He trusted me so completely and trotted along beside me knowing that I would never harm him-yet I had to hand him over and walk away. I have only had to do that one time before in my life and it was just as hard then. Ironically this dog was only 3 years old and our other dog is 11, has cancer, and we thought for sure would be leaving us before the younger one. I have heard different opinions about whether there are pets in heaven, but I honestly can't imagine a heaven without them. We hope to run with you again someday Boz.

Infertility, adoption, pregnancy and parenthood

When I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I couldn't understand how they didn't already know that I wanted to be a mom. I was blessed with a wonderful mom and thought it was the greatest thing to be. After kissing a lot of toads I finally kissed the man I married. Almost from the minute we were married I (not so much him) was trying to get pregnant. We tried and tried and it wasn't happening. For about a year I took a mild fertility drug-no results. Then for about another year we went to the shots that made my ovaries the size of grapefruit and just as comfortable. The doc took me off the shots because I was popping out 12-13 eggs a month and he was afraid my innards would explode. The month after I stopped, I got pregnant but lost the baby in the8th week. I was devastated. Hubby was very upbeat and really pissed me off. I wanted him to understand how horrible I felt. He kept saying "it will happen" etc but I didn't want it to happen someday, I wanted it NOW! Then we were told of an agency that had started a domestic program (they dealt with Korea, China etc primarily) and a friend got us on the short list. Amazingly -unbeknownst to us- two very young (teen)and very courageous birthparents selected us to raise their baby. The agency didn't tell us until they had signed over permanent custody. We were called on Monday and told to pick up our son on Thursday. Those 3 days are a blur of shock, excitement, fear, shopping and about a thousand phone calls. When we arrived to pick him up we had to wait for about an hour because the social worker got lost--I thought I would pass out. Then she walked in with our new son in her arms. I don't think I put him down for at least 3 months after that. People would come over to meet him and when they asked to hold him I would mutter something about him not liking to be held except by me...I was so incredibly overprotective of that small wonderful boy. When he was about 7 months old, I got what I thought was a horrible case of the flu, actually I was pregnant--A few months later I had another wonderful baby boy--I got the same flu 4 years later and it was another son. Ironically, I also had 3 more miscarriages in between those years and we found out from a genetic counselor and DNA person that all four pregnancies that were lost, were all girl babies..since then I have read articles that say that is somewhat common to not be able to carry to term one sex or the other..hmmm. One of these days I will take you through the pregnancy traumas and fears but I must end here and get back to the work that pays me to feed all these boys!

Perverts

It has been very unsettling for me this last week reading about this guy Karr that may or may not have been the person that killed JB Ramsey. I have never understood how anyone could think that it is normal to want sex from a child. When I was about 5 or 6 my father (who was a horribly abusive drunk) used to take me to the local bar where I would sit drinking "Shirley temples" till I thought I would puke. He would sit there and proceed to get hammered, talking with the other bar flys. I remember all too vividly some "hugs", "pats" and other signs of affection from these smelly men that even at the age of 5 or 6, I knew were gross and unsettling. I had the misfortune of being a cute freckled face quiet kid and never let my fear show but I was terrified most of the time. I finally told my mom and it broke her heart that she didn't know that I was so scared every time I was with my father. I look back now and realize how easily I could have ended up like little JB Ramsey.

6 more days

6 more days till the kids go back to school. At the beginning of summer I am so excited to have them all home but by mid-August I am sending emails to the school board requesting year round schooling. I read a few blogs that are done by moms that home-school and they seem like they are sane but I have to wonder. They must have some secret to getting their kids to actually listen to them. If can't even get them to wipe the toothpaste out of the sink when they brush how in the hell would I get them to listen while I try to explain Shakespeare or trigonometry. I have never been accused of having patience.

Here I go~

I have absolutely no business wasting my time blogging but I figure it will be cheaper than a shrink and I don't have to worry about running into anyone that knows all my problems in the middle of the bagel aisle at the store. Today I think I will tell you about my kids. There are three of them. They are the reason I am half nuts. I was totally sane till they came along. I am convinced that as a baby breast feeds, parts of the womans brain gets sucked out. It is kind of a built in defense mechanism to aid you when the little darlings become obnoxious teenagers...your brain is half mush by then so you don't follow through with the urge to change all the locks when they are at school. Don't get me wrong, I truly do love my kids, but they smell like old sneakers and have managed to cost me more than some small countries are worth. For the sake of anonimity I will call them B1, B2, B3-did I mention they are all boys? Enough said.

Once upon a time...

All I really wanted to do was leave a comment on some guys blog, but I wasn't allowed if I didn't have my own blog. Since I have thought about doing this for the past year, I figured today was as good a day as any other. I have a lot of things stuck in my head from all my years of life and I am sure I will manage to bore some of you, but hopefully entertain others. I haven't decided if I am going to tell my name or location..there may be things I want to tell that would be better if left anonymous. I hope you enjoy the ride.