Monday, November 05, 2012

over 365 days now

A kind blogger friend sent me an email to check to see if I was still kicking. I was answering her email when the vomit below came pouring off the ends of my fingertips and it became way more than just a quick email response so I thought I would share with all of you. Lucky, huh?

I have fallen off the face of the earth. Somehow yesterday was July and now Thanksgiving is almost here. Things have been great and awful at the same time. Our oldest was married on the beach in North Carolina three weeks ago and because the bride’s parents are completely narcissistic they were no help in planning the wedding so she asked me to help. It was so much fun but so completely stressful.....because along with them not helping her with plans, there was no money flowing either. (They are fine...both just bought new cars, remodeled a basement, vacationed in the Caribbean....etc) They are really good at talking about how much they adore her but her needs are not important. (To son and his new bride wanted just an intimate 20 people---family only---ceremony on the sand with some picnic food after so it wasn't like she was asking for a princess wedding). So because of their "ways" the parents ended up adding to the guest list till it was doubled and still only coughed up the bucks for cupcakes and 1/2 of her dress alteration fee. The kids paid as much as they could, but by the time all was arranged it cost us an assload of money.  
The reason I even mention all this is because of the "awful" part in third sentence hubby has now been without work for one year. His last day of work was one year ago last Thursday. To say this has put a strain on the marriage is like saying dogs smell when they are wet. Our income is literally cut in half, our bills have gone up and my husband is home, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. More than the money situation sucking, having him here all the fucking time is driving me batshit crazy.
You know how prisoners are put on suicide watch and checked every 15 minutes, well that's my life right now. I'm not suicidal though....homicidal maybe. I literally can't even go into the bathroom without him asking me something through the door (kinda like a 2-year-old who needs you RIGHT NOW to ask where the remote for the tv is). He has applied for jobs, been interviewed then shocked when they passed him over. HELLO????? he's 58. Too young to retire forever but too old for most employers to even take a look at him or his credentials. There is a job possibility right now that if it doesn't happen I seriously don't know how I will handle it. We are fighting like we never have before. During our last one he said something really nasty (that's his way of fighting) and I started to laugh like a lunatic (short line between sanity and crazy) and when he said "what do you want, do you want me to leave?" I told him that was hysterical because we can't even afford to get divorced. Seriously. I have become a master at shutting down any feelings and am existing on remote control. (learned long ago as a child and has come in handy this year). When I ask him to please quit using the credit card for things (he's bored so he heads to the big home repair store) that we don't have to have right now, he gets irritated and says he is just fixing things up now that he "has time". The little things that needed fixing would take a weekend....not a year....and the real things that need fixing need an actual trained contractor person which is expensive.

I am hoping that things change soon or I will get to the point emotionally where there won't be any bouncing back and that my heart will be so stuck in irritation and annoyance that the love will have been smothered completely. Honestly, I just need some privacy in my own home. I can't go to the bathroom, can't head up to bed 30 minutes early to read, etc etc....I have a 6 foot tall puppy on my heel all the time. It's sad when going to work becomes my escape instead of the other way around. (as a side blood pressures are great at work, when I check them here at the house they are always crazy high....wonder if there's a connection.)