Saturday, July 24, 2010

phone companies

An open letter to the scum sucking, bottom feeders that are cell phone companies.

Dear Sirs:

(I use the salutation loosely, as the correct salutation should more likely be Dear Shitheads).

I would like to commend you on your use of deceit and coercion in obtaining and constraining consumers. Your well trained personnel can successfully speak out of both sides of their mouths and look people in the eye while doing so.

Well done!

Also, I think it is brilliant that you know you have your grip on us by those tiny little hairs on the backs of our necks. We are helpless without our cells, and you know it. Kudos. Really, does anyone not have one? I have seen people that spend their nights perusing dumpsters, that have at the very least, a disposable cell in their pocket. (Might be “borrowed” from a nice couple that happened to be walking down a dark street one night, might be the one his dealer gave him to let him know when he could score…..not sure on either scenario, but I am sure you get my point). Many of us actually use our phones to earn a living….the very thing that enables us to send you enormous amounts of money each month.

So, it doesn’t surprise me, with your vast knowledge of society’s needs, that you are able to get away with charging loyal customers of 8-10 years duration, with a “small activation fee” so we can use the new phone we HAD to get because the one we got last year doesn’t work any longer. I am sure it is a freakish coincidence that most cell phones purchased in the last 5 years, last about as long as a solid relationship with a hooker. Ironically, stuffed in the back of a drawer, long forgotten, was a phone that was put to rest years ago, in favor of a cooler, more snazzy model. I dug it out, dusted it off, and lo and behold after a little bit of cuddle time with a charger….it hummed like one of Tiger’s dates.

So back to this “small” activation fee. Is my $18 (per phone) going to help your company? No, not really. But given the fact that (approximately) 1.2 billion cell phones were sold in 2009, (you can thank CNN, as they did the leg work for me), that is a tidy little profit for all of you. You go dudes!

Do you want a minute to add that up? Never mind, I have a calculator right here. Let’s see…….oh my! My calculator doesn’t have enough space for all those numbers! I did hear today that the little fee is what you use to pay your employees that don't work on commission. Can I have a job?

So, as you sit on your gilded thrones, having your neck massaged by someone who can’t afford one of your phones, please know that it is with great humility that I salute you. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that your company was run by the same people that give out loans to people with gambling addictions, then later “collect” your loan with interest that may or may not include a body part.

My only pleasure in all of this, is that a kind person gave me the heads up to completely avoid your stores, and do my phone buying at my local Best Buy. Guess what??? They sell YOUR phones cheaper than you do. Yep. Not only that, their equipment protection plan covers A.N.Y. problem. Drive over your phone? Covered. Drop it in the toilet? Covered. NO DEDUCTIBLE either. Sure beats the hell out of your “plan” that covers “some” problems, AFTER we pay you a $100 deductible to replace our phone with a refurb that will have its own set of problems. The kind people at Best Buy don’t work on commission either, so they actually tell you the truth. I KNOW…unheard of huh? OH…and better yet, those annoying rebates you offer us to suck us in, the ones we wait 6 weeks to get back??? Best Buy gives us the rebate price up front. Nothing to mail in. No, I don’t work for Best Buy, nor are the paying me anything to tell you about them. I just really appreciate their way of doing business.

So phone company, I only need to deal with you when I pay my bill each month. Thankfully, I can do that online and don’t have to talk to you liars and thieves.


The OHN family

Thursday, July 08, 2010


When to quit wearing a bikini?

When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece

When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece

When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece

When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece

When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece

When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.

Beach etiquette.

When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.

I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.

I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.

Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)