Your chuckle for the day

If you are a youngin you may not relate to this but it had me wanting to share because it is too good not to. Send it on to your parent's or anyone you think would appreciate the humor. http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

two photos

Hello all.....I may regret this. In the event that you know us in real life, please tell me so I can make sure I never include you in any of my "I hate this person" posts. It would be embarrassing. Anyway....the following photos are of S2--the one that thinks he is not at all good looking. Obviously he is stupid. He has no girlfriend because he is afraid he will get shot down if he asks someone out...you know, because he is so unattractive and all.

The second photo is of me, BigD, S1, S2, S3 and really old aunty. I could fill the whole internet with hilarious stories at old aunty's expense but since it is considered cruel to laugh at people, I will not do that today. Tomorrow, maybe. Trust me when I say that dementia can be fun. She still has a quick wit and knows she can't remember and even laughs at herself. OH, and for those of you that thing BigD looks old because of his white hair, he got that white hair when he was 29. Coincidentally a mere 2 years after we married. Everything is always MY fault.

Please note that I am the woman in the photo that is hiding behind everyone because I have gotten so damn fat. I have a story about that too but I will save that for another day too because the oven timer just buzzed and I have to take the cookies out.

Ugly? A matter of opinion

My family is so very cruel. Every morning when I plug in the tree there is something missing. MY ORNAMENT. For years, I have lived through a chorus of "that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen", "are you going to scrub the pot with that after dinner" "I hope the lights melt that damn thing" and on and on and on.

Each morning MY ORNAMENT is missing. I have to search to find it. Sometimes it is buried deep within the tree. One time I found it in a sauce pot in the cupboard. It has survived being thrown over me, monkey in the middle style. This is the ornament that some day, when my ashes are glistening on a white sandy beach somewhere, my little snot heads will talk about and I bet will actually argue about who gets to keep moms ornament.

I have had it for as long as I remember. I have no idea who gave it to me or maybe even made it for me, but my little pot scrubbing Santa, in all its plastic goodness has hung on every tree I ever remember and will continue to do so. Ugly is a matter of opinion and my opinion is the only one that counts :) Anyone else have an ugly on their tree?

This little girl

She had such a confusing childhood. Nothing unlike many children have, but she didn't understand so many things. At a very early age she learned how to not make noise because it might make her father mad. When he was mad he was very mean. She thought it was all her fault because she didn't know what else could possibly make someone so angry. She tried so hard to be quiet, not leave toys laying around, and she tried to be invisible.

She learned to escape into her little fantasy world in her head. It was just like a television show. You know...the one where the family all sits at dinner, laughing, and the kids tell the parents how swell they are. The one where the father calmly explains why he said "no" to a particular request. The one where the father never hit the mother or the mother was never lying on the kitchen floor with blood around her. The television shows that were an escape from that was happening in her house, not daily, but too often. Ozzie and Harriett, The Cleaver Family..they were all what she wished for.

She was so confused but relieved when her father told her that he was moving out. He blamed her mother, saying she was a bad mother. This was very confusing because she seemed like a really good mother. In fact her mother was the one that always protected her.

There were words swirling that a 6 year old didn't understand. Divorce. Alcoholic. Safety. There was whispering. Nobody in her town had parents that were divorced. She was the only one and everyone was whispering about it which made her want that fantasy life even more. She had no idea that the reason people were whispering is that they were worried for her...she was too young to understand all of it. All she knew is that people were looking and talking about her and it was embarrassing.

That Christmas she asked Santa for a doll. This was a special doll that actually moved when you wound up the special wheel on her back. He told her that if she was very good, she would get the doll. She was certain it wouldn't be there because she must have been very bad. Her father had moved to a different house, her mother was nervous, the police stopped by to say hi but she knew that police arrested bad people and took them away and she was sure she had been bad for all of this to happen.

When I found this picture I had planned on telling all of you that this Santa was actually our mailman that dressed up on Christmas Eve and for $10 he would make a stop at your house, pose for a few pix and be on the way to his next house. I am here to tell you, Mr. Bozer was THE BEST SANTA EVER! He was a good friend of my mom's and spent an extra few minutes at my house before heading back to the North Pole to load up the sleigh. It was an amazing thing for me....I actually had the REAL Santa come to my house. I didn't know for years that so many people were trying so hard to make me happy. They understood all the things that were happening that I thought were my fault. Now I look back and wonder what would have happened had they not all been there to support my mom. After my parents divorced, many asked her what took her so long. You have to understand, this was a different time. A time when 50% of marriages didn't end. A time when you stayed married no matter what.

I started this post to tell you a happy story of a little girl who got the doll she really wanted. The one that she would treat with love and could be the baby she could take care of and protect. I had no idea all of this other stuff would come out. I guess some memories stick around long after you thought they were gone.

My bloods a boilin

Short but VERY LOUD, LARGE FONT rant here. I have a real problem with Ticketmaster. If you want to see any event in our area,(major city, not podunkville) you have to buy your ticket/s from them. They are a bunch of bottom feeders. I just bought 2 tickets to the Transiberianorchestra for S1. This is his Christmas present. (the whole point of this post isn't to have you sit there and think "she bought him THAT?"---he is not a typical 20 year old, we have covered this before, now go back to my rant) These tickets were $37 each. Two tickets should be $74. Right? How come they ended up costing $93.30 you ask? Because this company charges $7.50 convenience fee PER TICKET, a handling fee PER TICKET and then they charge you TO PRINT THE TICKET ON YOUR OWN PRINTER AT HOME!! $19.30 in extra charges. Assholes.

People

I have lost a reader. When you only have 12 to begin with, and you lose 1, it is noticeable. Hell, thats like getting an extra large pizza with a piece missing....or buying a jumbo package of toilet paper that is a roll shy. I know why this reader left. It was my snide remark about the shoe thrower. This reader took offense and let me know about it. To set the record straight...IT WAS A JOKE. I never expected to ever be Heather "Dooce" Armstrong ~~ that blogging queen has thousands of readers and gets hundreds of responses to her posts, but hell, I can't even get 12 to stick around? Maybe it was my delivery. Maybe this person was the last person in the US to still think Dubya was a good leader and can't understand why a man felt the need to lob a shoe. Maybe I need to work on my material. I will try to come up with some more interesting material and get back with you. In the meantime....are all you kiddies ready for Christmas?? We won't be having much of one around here if mr. mailman, mr. ups man, and mr. fedex man don't show up soon. I will be wrapping a lot of pieces of paper with item descriptions written on them and passing those off as the real thing. I only went to one store to shop. Honest. And it was a drug store. All the rest was via ebay, overstock, and amazon. Christmas cards..not only are they not sent, I haven't bought any yet. So those of you that are anxiously waiting for my card to appear....please don't wait. Go about your business, move along, there is nothing to see here. I was supposed to have both of the college boys home now. Only one is here. S1 has decided to stay at his apartment a little longer. Seems as though there is a female that has been circling him for a few weeks and finally came in for the kill last week and they have been seeing each other daily since. Yes...I did say S1. The same kid that had dated the love of his life for 3 years. His only real girlfriend ever. Over Thanksgiving she told him she wanted to be able to date other guys to be sure S1 was her true love....the only catch was, she didn't want him to date anyone else. Yes. She really told him that. Well he was broken hearted, we sat on his bed for 3 hours one night and I tried to explain women to a young man with no sisters...this was not easy. He was crushed. I was crushed that he was crushed. I was also a little peeved that she really thought this idea of her dating and him not dating was an acceptable idea. So fast forward~~the circling girl came in for a landing and S1 is having fun. Another young adulthood crisis averted. Oh, and circling girl is older. 3 years older. Is graduating this year. She thinks S1 is wonderful, so I know I will like her :)

Tell the truth

How many of you would like to give the shoeless man a high five? (you only need to watch the first 10 seconds). C'mon, you can't tell me that this didn't make you think hmmmmm. Though the first thing I thought when I saw it was why did it take his SS agents sooooo looooong to react. (insert another hmmmm here.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0125Qrn24EQ

Somebody didn't read the directions

ANYONE GOT A STRAW?

BigD's lung is fillin' up with lung juice again. We are headed BACK to Pittsburgh again on Thursday for what we HOPE will be a quick round-trip visit. Hopefully they will just stick a pin in him. This time, I am throwing a small suitcase in the back of the car...j.u.s.t. i.n. c.a.s.e.You know that if I don't we will definately have to spend the night (or more) but being prepared means that we will be home~~before having to sleep somewhere other than my bed. I knew something was up because his voice changed again and he started to get back his annoying little cough cough. I called the office and they wanted us to come over today but neither of us was prepared mentally to go there again, yet. Plus tomorrow morning S3 has an appointment to have his toenail removed (ewww, gross, I know) and I am not going to reschedule at this point because he has been gearing himself up for this. He is not the most courageous tiger in the zoo and this is taking all the nerve he can gather. SO, when I called the office they agreed to let BigD get a chest xray here in small town and fax them the report. They said there isn't a ton of lung juice there right now and we had to pinky swear that we would go to an ER if he got short of breath or symptomatic at all other than the cough, cough. Somewhere in this flurry of activity, I need to do some Christmas shopping! I will have some pretty pissed off guys in my house if Santa doesn't swing by our shack on Christmas eve and leave a little sumpin sumpin under the tree. But tonight I am going to look at puppies. God help me if they are as cute as everyone has told me. A friends dog had a litter of 8 and I have avoided going there (having a hubby in and out of the hospital has helped me keep away) but I have to see them tonight as I am picking up S3 at their house in a bit. Please remind me over and over that I DO NOT NEED ANOTHER DOG in my life. I love my 2 and NO they DON'T need a little sister. (7 girls and only 1 boy puppy who already picked his family). I may post a photo though, if they let me take one. (a photo, not a puppy)

GO AHEAD, PET HIM, HONEST--HE WON'T BITE

30 SECONDS LATER:

FINALLY!!

Got the call today......drum roll please~~not cancer.

While that is terrific news it came with a bit of an unexpected diagnosis. Apparently at some point in time BigD had an infarct in one (or more) of his pulmonary vessels causing a large area of scar tissue that became a globby cystic jelly filled fibrous mass.

We will have a followup with Super Uber Doc in a couple of weeks to ask some more specific questions pertaining to what comes next but for the time being, the last 2 1/2 months of worry is over.

Now for your viewing pleasure is a photo journal of our trip. Some of the photos at the end are gross so if you are eating dinner right now, don't look. The night before the big CUT we spent the night in a hotel after going out and buying toothbrushes etc etc. This photo of the bed in the morning is an indication of how well we slept.

I LOVED the humor in these next shots.....the first one says "please follow the arrows"

After yet ANOTHER PET scan...we had to go see the Uber Doc which required signing in and then registering with my new BFF....check out her name, and YES she was :) She was delightful!

This next photo made me soooo sad. This kid was about 18-19. We sat in the waiting room for 2 hours waiting for BigD to be taken back to the surgery dept. This kid was waiting for someone to go back too. It took every ounce of my being to not go over to him and beg him to please start taking care of himself. He is a medical disaster waiting to happen. In the two hour time frame we sat there, he went through 3 cans of pop, a gift size container of M&M's and a couple bags of chips. So sad.

Once BigD was taken back to surgery they plunk the family in this terrific waiting area. It is actually 6 waiting areas in one.Each one had a TV, rocker, chairs and lamps. It was very comfortable. Each patient is given a number and you can follow along through the surgery process by finding their number on the board. It tells you what part of the surgical process he/she is in at that time. Very cool idea. The following are photos of the "room" S3 and I stayed in while BigD was an inpatient. My BIL is a wonderful, world traveler that floated us some of his Marr*iott points and we had a nicer room than we have had on some vacations.

Here is the view from the room and a shot that made me chuckle.

The sign says not to block the door :) NOW HERE COMES THE ONES THAT HAVE A TAD OF GROSSNESS TO THEM. ALTHOUGH IF YOU ARE LIKE MOST PEOPLE THAT SLOW DOWN AT THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT JUST TO SEE SOMETHING...YOU MIGHT LIKE THESE.

Two chest tubes, not one, but two, because he always has to be a showoff.

The goal is NOT to fill these. This is where they put your extra parts when they discharge you. We are sooo freakin glad to be home.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS....THEY WORKED :)

Short update

Hi guys...We are still in Pittsburgh. BigD was supposed to be released today but on his discharge xray they saw something they didnt like so we are here till at least tomorrow. The kicker is, the pain meds they are giving him are making him feel fine and he is not a patient man (are there really any of those out there?) so he is antzy. My fabulous wonderful brother-in-law works here in Pittsburgh several times a month and is here now so he brought my laptop. I was having serious blog withdrawal not knowing what was going on :) I have S3 here with me so I am not alone. EVERYONE I have had an occasion to deal with here in this city has been remarkable. I will leave here wanting to be the poster child for Pittsburgh promoting. My friend called last night and told me she and a couple other friends are making extras for Thanksgiving for us so I don't have to cook AND my sister-in-law went to my house and did ALL of my laundry. I may have to convince BigD to have another surgery next month and I might get my bathrooms cleaned for me :) Yes, I did just make a joke. I am feeling slap-happy from being in the same stinky clothes (did buy some new undies though and B-I-L brought a small bag for me with the computer too. ) I just want to be in my own bed, in my own shower and I miss my dogs.

The booger waved

Story to follow.....still in Pittsburgh,,,third day in the same clothes...BigD is minus part of a lung and I just read that A. Simpson had her baby....see the world does go on when life is crumbling around you. :) I am ok. Big D WILL be ok....path reports to follow. I will blog when I get home, snagging a 'puter here for a minute. Hell, I am such a good blogger I even have photos to post. THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR GOOD WISHES AND FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT PRAY, THANKS FOR THAT TOO :) Love, OHN.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

In one hour we will leave the warm cozy confines of our home and haul our butts over to see Uber Super Doc once again. So for the most part of the day I will be sitting....in a car, in a waiting room, in another waiting room, and in the car. The whole process will take about 12 hours then we will come home and fall into our bed. Anybody want to come over around 6 and turn on our electric blanket for us so it will be toasty warm when we get home? Damn, that would be a great trick to teach the dogs! BigD will be having yet another PET scan to compare the size of his lung booger to the last time we saw it. God, I hope it doesn't wave. I am saying it here first....I am betting that uber super doc will want to whack out 1/3 of the lung. I have tried to tell BigD that this man is a s.u.r.g.e.o.n and that is what they do. That is how he keeps his wife in Dolce and his kids in private school...surgeons cut. Thankfully they do or many of us would be screwed. BUT, BigD has to keep in mind that another opinion prior to the sound of the saw cutting through his chest would be a good idea. I love doctors...I really do. Some of the funniest people I hang with are doctors but lets face it...in ANY career....not everyone can be tops in their class. Hmmmmm. I sure as hell hope that this guy was hovering somewhere in the top half at least. So off we go for another day of vending machine food and good times. I'll be back.

What's in a name?

My friend Rebel is FORCING me to do this. I did take the liberty of swapping a few letters so nobody can really find me. Though, if you happen to have a cracker jack decoder ring, you probably are on your way over right now. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names) Bernie Edward NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother's dad, father's dad ) Eddie Bob STAR WARS NAME: (the first 2 letters of your last name, first 4 letters of your first name)Suchri DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color, fav animal) Blue Tiger SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you live) Marie Monty (not giving away the real place so my stalkers can't find me) SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav alcoholic drink, add "THE" to the beginning) The Rose Kahlua FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Chel ROCK STAR NAME: (current pet's name, current street name) Cosmo Creek PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Chico Street

BRAIN SPINNING DAY

Why is it that so many times in life, multiple things happen in one day? I can sail along with absolutely nothing for weeks then in a matter of hours have several things change the course of my week, or life. We have been waiting and waiting to get the report on BigD's most recent biopsy and culture. I haven't gone into detail here the moronic staff that populates Dr from another land's office. I think I mentioned the pierced lovely that hovers the front desk and makes a lasting impression. She is only one of 4 lovelies that I have had the misfortune to deal with. Am I wrong that in a professional setting that staff should act, well, professional?? That means no open mouth gum chawing, bubble snapping, bra strap arranging, loud talking bimbos. Part of the problem is that most doctors aren't willing to pay more than minimum wage and as the saying goes, you get what you pay for. So, I called two days ago to get this report. OBVIOUSLY we are worried. This whole mess started 8 weeks ago and we are still twirling in our seats waiting for an answer. Dr from another land does not have a phone option to actually speak to any one of the bimbettes. You can push 1 to get the automated refill line, 2 to leave a message for an appointment and 3 to leave a message for a return call. I chose 3, left a detailed message about who I was, what specific reports I wanted to have, the date of the procedure, the fact that BigD is still coughing like a sick rhino and requested that we get a call back with what the good doc found out along with what the next step should be depending on the results. Today I get a call from the bimbette that thinks she is very very important. She tries so hard to impress me with using her "big girl words" except they are usually out of context and grammatically horrid. I am certainly not the language police but if you really don't know the meaning of the words you are using and when to use them.....don't use them. (Remember I left a DETAILED message regarding the information we were hoping to receive when they called back so she knew the WHOLE story before she called) When I thanked her for finally calling back, she said the following: HER: "Ok, so you want to know about the results?" ME: "Yes, we are obviously concerned" HER: "It was negative" ME: "Which was negative? Both the biopsy and the culture?" HER: "I don't know" ME: "What don't you know?" HER: "I don't know what he did" ME: "Isn't it in the chart?"that you should have right in front of you, you stupid bitch? "I spoke with him when he came out of the OR and he told me he did a biopsy and a scraping for culture" HER: "Oh" ME: "Would it be possible for you to ask him which was negative, or if both were?" HER: "I guess" ME: "And while you are at it, could you ask him what is next since there is still a big mass in my husbands lung?" trying to sound pleasant when I wanted to scream HER: "Ok. But I am leaving soon" ME: "I will be available all day tomorrow" HER: "Whats your number?" ME: "XXX-XXX-XXXX" the same one you just called dingdong HER: "Yah, ok, have a good one" ME: too stunned to even talk at this point so I walked to the kitchen to bang my head against the oven door. THEN ten minutes after that conversation I got a call offering me a job. On a lark yesterday I went on Mo.nster and filled out an application in my field, put together a resume in LITERALLY 10 minutes, uploaded it and today had a 45 minute phone interview/test/ assessment and bam....they offered me the position. I am torn because I really like the office I am working in but the pay is measly and I really miss working from home. This new position is home based and it is also product pay so if I bust my cute little butt, I can make much more (I think) than I am making at Dr. doesn't wash his hands (as mentioned in prior post about his potty habits). Tomorrow I am going to hand in my resignation and hope that I don't regret it. I have already changed my mind 10 times. I know that once I resign, I can't take it back so I am going over and over it in my head. The new job will keep me chained to my desk for a 5 hour shot and I have to work on Saturdays but then again I will be home and I love being home. THEN...I am having an issue with S3, nothing huge, but concerning. Long story short, I think he is being made fun of and used in a capacity at school that is bothering me. I will figure it out and I am too tired to type it all out but it is just one more thing that is making my brain spin today. So, how about a show of hands...thumbs up or down on the job change? I don't do change well and always worry if I am making the right decision. On the outside I look like I have it 'all goin on' but really I am an indecisive blob of jello.

Twenty years ago...

....you gave birth to a baby boy. Nobody knew at that time what life would bring over the years but you made a decision that would change your life, your sons life and my life. You were wise enough to know that you were not financially or emotionally ready to parent this baby boy and you made the decision to let two strangers raise and nurture your son. You were 16 and had the option of terminating the pregnancy yet in your wisdom (well beyond your years) you knew that this little life had a purpose and you set aside the whispers from your church family, the taunts of classmates and the suggestions from well meaning people and decided to give birth then courageously give your child to a couple that were longing to be parents. I am still amazed that you chose us. We were many years older than the other 4 couples you were also considering and we were almost certain that you would exclude us for that reason along with a few more. After all, when you are 16, a couple that is in their 30's must seem ancient. Through your wisdom beyond your years you decided that our age was an advantage. You felt it meant we were stronger in our marriage and we had overcome many obstacles by that time. You chose us to be your sons parents. How can we possibly begin to express to you what our son means to us. We love him even more than any written word can describe. Thank you is such a feeble phrase at this point. You changed my life. You made me a mom. The one thing that I had dreamt about from the time I was old enough to ....... well, I don't remember a time EVER that I didn't want to be a mom. Your courage and wisdom at such a young age changed so many lives and continues to do so. Our son is a wonderful man now. I know you are thinking about him today, on his birthday, and I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. I hope your life has become the wonderful life that you deserve. As feeble as it sounds....thank you.

Hello?? Where is everyone??

Twice this past week I have driven past our county board of elections and the lines have literally wrapped around the building. Twice I wanted to hop into line and probably wait 1-1 1/2 hours to cast my vote. Twice this week I have had to be other places too soon to wait in line. Today I didn't have to work in my "other" job that takes me out of my comfy sweats and puts me in ridiculous shoes that only someone who never wears them must have designed. So I thought that maybe this morning after a parent teacher conference, but before BigD's bronchoscopy I could shoot over to the poll. Well the conference lasted a freaking 45 minutes with a combination of 4 teachers all telling me how delightful my 14 year old son is, and of course I took all the credit for his good qualities and blamed his wicked, sarcastic humor on his father. ANYWAY~because it took so long there was no way I would have time to wait in line to vote and still take BigD to the hospital for the lung rotorooter. He had the bronchoscopy, woke up, bitched about how hungry he was, they gave him a muffin and juice (they told him they had to make sure he could swallow while he was still in the hospital so he wouldn't crumble at our kitchen table and ruin dinner) and we were out of there. He felt well enough to go vote with me, (where my vote canceled his) and lo and behold, who should show up at our little polling place but S1 and S2 both having driven 45 min. home to vote (so that would be 3 votes negating 1 vote;) then somehow I was conned into spending 1/2 of my paycheck from "other" office feeding everyone at a local restaurant. (Actually it was the second one we went to. BigD had heard about a new place in town that was good and supposedly reasonable but when they seated us and I saw that the least expensive thing on the menu was a $12 appetizer, I loaded up my STARVING TEENAGE BOY brood and went down the road to a more moderately priced place and still managed to spend $75 to make a dent in their appetites). Anyway, my whole point to this post was voting. Remember the 1 1/2 hour wait that I passed twice this week?? When we got to the polling place there was NOT ONE PERSON waiting in line. We literally walked in, showed our ID's walked over to the electronic machines and were out of there. I asked the workers what the day had been like (this was about 5 o'clock) and they said this morning there were about 20 people waiting at one point but that most of the day, people had trickled in. I guess all the people that voted earlier, well, voted earlier. I am soooo glad I didn't wait in line earlier this week! So, here I sit refreshing my computer over and over to see what the results are looking like. Either way, no matter who you all voted for, my hope is that our incoming president can bring our wonderful nation back to what it should be. I don't worry as much for myself but for my kids and their kids. We need a little work, but it can be done. p.s.--in about a week we will have the results of the newest biopsy and the doctor from another land also did some scrapings to be sent for culturing....I think I like the way this guy thinks :)

A teeny update

We saw the doctor from another land (LG=lung guy) on Thursday, not uber super doc in Pittsburgh but our local pulmonologist. We needed to start back at the beginning because the non-information we were getting was confusing and depressing.

He kicked back and spent over 45 minutes with us (though it might have had more to do with the fact that we were his last patients for the morning rather than loving us unconditionally) and he zipped out his computer and showed us the scans, slice by slice. We were able to see the plaques, the mass, the needle aspiration attempt (nobody is convinced that the radiologist was dead on with his target even though when we asked him he said his average is 'around 100%'). LG told us that since the first biopsy was negdeeb and the PET was negdeeb at this point he would be inclined to wait 3 months, rinse and repeat.

By the end of the visit though, after really listening to what we were saying he did think that BigD should maybe have a bronchosopy after all ~~~~~~YES, this is what I wanted 3 weeks ago. In my opinion if you can actually see the lung booger with your own eyes, it is much better than relying on a CT--but then again I have always been a hands on learner....tell me, read to me, explain to me, it all works.... but not as well as when I can hold, see, or do what ever it is I am supposed to learning.

So Tuesday he is going to go in, scope away and try to get another few specimens for the path lab. The lung booger is in a location that may be hard to reach with the scope but he is going to try. OH, he also said that in his opinion he doesn't think the diaphragm is involved, he believes the booger is contained in the lower lobe of the lung that just happens to be butted up against the diaphragm.

The one thing that this whole mess has done though is make S1 and S2 come down off their newly independent high horses and realize that family is indeed important. Neither one has actually come out and said they are worried but the fact that they keep popping home for a night or two here and there, surely tells me something. I am positive it is not my fantastic cooking that draws them home and sometimes they dont even bring dirty laundry!!

I has to be concern for their dad. This morning, as I sit here in my office I have S1 upstairs in his bed (which is right above my office and sometimes the floor creaks and it is a wonderful sound:), S2 is on the big chair in the family room, and he brought a friend who is on the couch. In no time at all I will be in the kitchen slaving over pancakes, eggs, sausage, bagels etc etc and you know what...I will actually be loving it. I am always at my cheeriest when I have all my guys here. It fills my heart. I know that before long they will have their own families and I will be placed a little further away in their priorities so I am loving all this while I can.

On a closing note---last night was halloween. I bought 60 bags of doritos to pass out (I have always given out fab candy but anything we have left, I eat, so I decided to go the non chocolate route this year). So this morning, I have 48 bags left. Yep, we only had 12 goblins come to the house. When S2 was wondering why, it dawned on him that the neighborhood has undergone a natural evolution. Most of us here are my age and the old trick or treaters are his age and are off at school. We have a few new "young" families starting to move in but not many.

I had a bit of an argument with S3 about going out last night. He just turned 14 and I personally think that is too old (its never too old if you are going to an organized party but to ring doorbells, when you can get a job and buy your own damn candy....its too old). Because I am woman, hear me roar, I won the battle and he switched to scare mode. He decided to hide in the bushes and scare the little goblins that came.....so I ask you, if you turned around to leave and saw this child, would you be frightened???

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Early Christmas shopping

Hey....since Halloween is tomorrow you may as well start Christmas shopping. I went to buy the little spooks their treats for tomorrow night and the store was loaded with freaking wreaths, bows, wrapping paper and all the crap that goes along with the commercialization of Christmas. SO, I am offering you one hell of a deal.

A friend of mine gave me 24 (a case) of these mini purse/cell phone holders that she had left from a fundraiser event. They were given as door prizes and they had less people than expected. She didn't want to be bothered with selling them and since they were donated, the company didn't want them back.

If you are looking for a very soft leather cell phone case, black with white stitching and a silver buckle (the photos are just so-so ) let me know. I am selling them for her for $3.50 a pop with $1.50 for shipping. I have my phone in one (I have an Instinct) and it is great. The strap has a snap on the one side so you can loop it through a purse handle etc then re-snap it. (She said they retail at about $20 a piece). The measurement is approx. 6"by 2 1/2" by 1".

If you don't have a cell phone, this would also be a great gift for a little girl or a woman that just wants a little bag for lipstick and a license. Maybe even a teacher gift (by the way teachers are sick of anything with an apple theme). This would also be a great stocking stuffer for someone who has everything else.

If you want the whole load you can have all 24 for $80.00 and FREE SHIPPING :)

C'mon, you KNOW you want one :) Send me an email at onlyhalfnuts@gmail.com and I will give you the paypal link and get yours off to you and help you check one gift off your list.

I'm Here....on the roof

Contemplating jumping but with the way things have been going I would survive but need every imaginable, non insurance covered test ever known to man. And it would hurt. We saw uber super doc last week and really came away with more questions than answers. He was a very academic type, really no personality to speak of, you could actually see his little wheels turning in his head, he never really answered a question but drifted off to other things that created more questions. When we left there for our 2 1/2 hour drive home BigD and I were so numb and confused along with disappointed that we barely spoke. It has taken me a few days of thinking to decide if I want to go back there. This physician is EXTREMELY well regarded in the medical world, it was a minor coup to be led into his kingdom after only waiting 2 weeks, (one of which he was circling the globe spreading his knowledge with lesser doctor beings). He has an air of superiority that I could have done without, he never sat for a second rather choosing to dominate his space lording over us mortals, while wearing a rather dapper $1000+ suit, probably hand made on his last trip, and gave off the definite vibe that we were lucky to be there. Maybe we were, but maybe we weren't. He spared no time in telling us that for the most part he felt that the CT, CT guided lung biopsy, and subsequent PET scan were all done in facilities that don't have the state of the art equipment that they have at his university. Ok, they probably are not the latest and greatest but they serve many many people and I would imagine meet whatever state requirement they need to meet. He went on to tell us that while the pathology report was negative for cancer, and the PET didn't light up like a Christmas tree, that it is still possible that BigD has the BigC. He wants to repeat the PET in HIS department to see if it differs from the PET done here at home. He is thinking that if this should show a change in mass size, (ie:smaller than original then it could be infection, or a couple of other things instead of a 4 cm solid mass) MY thinking is that two different machines with two different radiologists would quite possibly come up with different opinions and we still wouldn't know for sure if it was changing in size. He actually seemed upset that he was (as he put it) "perplexed that none of these indicators seemed to represent a definite cancer" as his thinking is that is still might be. He said he had no idea if the mass was related to the asbestos plaques that are scattered about BigD's lungs but that if in fact the mass didn't decrease in size, the mass needed to come out. He said NO physician would ever leave a 4 cm mass inside someones lung. As a side note this mass is also pressing on or possibly attached to BigD's diaphragm (I had one of those once, I kept it in the nightstand.) So I have no idea if we are talking about two different surgeries or one, or what the ramifications of this are since he was too distracted to answer my question. He also said this HAD to be done within 2 weeks because waiting any longer was not an option. The original PET was in the neighborhood of $6000 and insurance will not cover a second one..and only partly covered the first,,I still can't get an answer from uber super doc about why they can't just peek in there (they have scopes for this type of thing doc..)and see what they are dealing with. I understand that docs are comfortable with their own cronies interpretation of results and all of that, I really do understand as I am one of those people that would rather do something myself to be sure it is done right but at $6000 a pop is it really necessary? So, people talk me down from the roof. I really want your opinions. If any of you are doctor type people, feel free to leave a comment...no medical advice because I know that is not allowed, I know, but feel free to even leave it anonymously. As of right now, my thought is to find another uber super doc, closer to home (we are located closer to Cleveland than Pittsburgh) and start all over again. Crap. (as if this wasn't enough, S1 called this morning and told me that he has been keeping from me the fact that he has been hearing voices and becoming more depressed again and wants to restart his medications that he was weaned from a couple of mos ago. I love this kid more than life itself and it breaks my heart that he has to suffer AT ALL and then not want to burden me with it. He actually said "don't get all mom like and worry, I am fine, but it would be better if I straightened this out". Will this kid ever have any idea how much I love him?!) On second thought I might sit up on this roof for awhile....at least till the wind and DAMN cold rain/snow mix makes me crazier!

silliness

We got back from Pittsburgh about 2 hours ago and I was going to post all about it but it is going to wait till tomorrow...now I need a little breather of silliness. Deathstar is forcing me to think tonight so here goes: 1. Where is your cell phone? On my desk 2. Where is your significant other? Asleep on the oversized chair "watching" tv 3. Your hair color? Currently auburn 4. Your mother? Died when I was 33 5. Your father? Died on my 27th birthday-I barely knew him 6. Your favorite thing? Reading blogs 7. Your dream last night? I was in a garden area that was surrounded by a large home and I was frightened or at least uneasy about being there. 8. Your dream/goal? To be out of debt and pay for my kids entire college education so they can start out in life without debt.. 9. The room you’re in? My office 10. Your hobby? Reading, some tv, knitting 11. Your fear? Dying before I am ready and I don't think I will ever be ready. 12. Where do you want to be in six years? S3 will be in college by then so maybe have the house sold and live in a place near water 13. Where were you last night? Getting my nails done-french and it only cost 10 bucks! 14. What you’re not? At ease with our financial situation, I worry all the time. 15. One of your wish list items? An apple laptop (which I won't have because of #14) 16. Where you grew up? New York and Pennsylvania 17. The last thing you did? Ate lasagna that my kind SIL sent over because she knew I would be too tired to cook tonight 18. What are you wearing? Sweat pants, tshirt, zip hoodie and fuzzy sox. (yeah, the hot chick look;) 19. Your T.V.? always on for the dogs when I am at work-go ahead laugh at me, I don't care. 20. Your pet? Two dogs and one cat, all male. 21. Your computer? My lifeline! 22. Your mood? Confused about our visit to Pittsburgh doc that I will post about tomorrow..tonight I need to do something frivolous like a list all about ME :) 23. Missing someone? Always missing my mom. We grew to be very good friends once I realized how wonderful she was when I was about 23. 24. Your car? Small suv-I thought about selling it and getting small car but I really don't drive that far so it wouldn't make sense to change at this point. 25. Something you’re not wearing? any underwear--woohoo 26. Favorite store? Ebay or etsy 27. Your Summer? Over and it makes me sad. 28. Love someone? Yes, all my guys 4 human and 3 animal. 29. Your favorite color? Blue, peach or pink (none of which are in my house strangely enough) 30. Last time you laughed? a really good laugh a couple of weeks ago... the kind where you laugh so hard you cry. 31. Last time you cried? The day that the doc called and told me that BigD had a mass in his lung. Ok..I know most people don't like being tagged so I won't specify who I want to do it. Actually I would like all of you to because it is fun reading tidbits about people we don't really know and deciding if we would like to know them :) TAG you're it.

slow night??

then click on over to this blog and read some sassy writing from a very bright woman in her "senior" years....I want to be like her when I grow up. http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/ No news on the medical front...Tuesday is the PET scan, Thursday is the thoracic specialist. As each day goes by we have more questions than answers. I am planning on not worrying this weekend. I am reading a good book, have about 4 hours of actual work to do, a disgusting laundry room to gut, and would rather do all of those things than sit and worry about the "what if's". Oh, and I might shoot Helen off an email....I think we could be friends :)

Debating

Last night BigD and I argued after the debate. We are both pretty convinced that each others candidate would be a rotten choice. We are coming at it from different angles. I am VERY concerned about health care especially in light of BigD's new found lung cooties. If he has disease X,Y,Z and for some reason would have to retire (he needs to be able to wrestle with scumbags and it is kinda hard to do when you can't breathe worth a shit) we are screwed when it comes to health care. He will have that ominous "pre-existing condition" that no insurance company will touch. So my candidate HAS to have the balls to really effect a change in this country. He needs to be smooth, intelligent, CALM (no finger on the nuke button), and not have a "hey ya'll" winky running mate. Oh and before you worry that BigD and I went to bed mad, he ended the conversation with "hey, you can't argue with me, I might have cancer". SO, I guess from now on he will have to be right about everything :) at least in his little mind.

Negdeeb

That is what the biopsy was according to the LG that I talked to an hour ago. But, before you jump up and down, he followed that up with "I'm nut shur eef de neele spiriation was well pleeced" so we need to follow up with a PET scan. Apparently cancer lights up if given sugar (shit, I do that too) so that is the next step. And yes, the LG is from another country, and yes, that IS what he said. Translated into English I believe he said~~ "I am not sure if the needle aspiration was well placed"......so BigD will have the PET and then follow up with the surgeon and maybe get whatever it is chopped out. I am supposed to be very relieved, why aren't I? I spent the whole weekend reassuring BigD that all was fine, that we would conquer whatever came down the pike, blah, blah, blah and believe me I was VERY convincing. He said talking to me made him feel so much better yet most of the time I felt like I was lying through my teeth. My mind kept drifting to thoughts of the boys. I don't want them to be without a father. Even though they come to me with most of their personal questions/advice seeking etc, they know that BigD is there if they need him and I don't want that to change. So we got "good" news but not the whole story so on we go. Thank you all so much for all your wonderfully kind words. It sounds nuts but it really made me feel less alone. I had to finally break down and tell BigD that I had a blog. He had absolutely no idea what that was. I told him it was like when his mother had a pen pal, except I have more than one and they live all over the world. When I told him how many wonderful well wishes had come our way, he didn't really get it and doesn't understand how I can call some of you friends when we haven't physically met. I tried to tell him we don't have to sit down and drink beer together to bond....he got it, sort of. Feelings are hard to explain sometimes and sometimes they are better left as feelings rather than put into words. Thanks.

Bargaining

Ok, today I started bargaining with God. I don't usually do this. I was raised a Catholic and now refer to myself as being in recovery. To be completely honest when I hear people talk about their unwavering faith I either think how wonderful it is, or I think they are a kook. I understand that faith is just that...faith. You can't see it, touch it, smell it, taste it, but for many people it is as real as any of those things you can actually sense. I wish I had that. BigD does, his parents were very faithful. My family, well we are a bunch of degenerates. At least I don't usually tell God (and yes, we are on speaking terms, I thank him daily for my wonderful family and minimal problems compared to most people), I don't tell him that "ok, if you do this for me, I will promise to be nicer to people, etc". I am already too nice to a lot of people. I don't barter with higher powers, but if today for example, He would like to whip up one of his amazing miracles, that would be just super duper with me. We will probably get the path report back today. Yesterdays biopsy went well. The radiologist was hot so that helped (well it helped me, not so sure it helped BigD) and was very precise in his needle aspiration (he claimed he was 100% sure he was at the proper site) and was very comforting after. He was honest in telling us that most growths like this are typically cancer but that doesn't mean it can't be treated. Unless of course it is mesothelioma which is not treatable...i am whispering because i don't want to say it out loud... Even through all the weirdness of these events, there was a bright spot in the day. His name is Jimmy and he just had a stroke. He was BigD's roomie for the day. Jimmy was mostly aphasic (which means he was unable to talk) but the one thing he managed to blurt out repeatedly and LOUDLY was "goddamn nut". The fact that some of his timing was right during a conversation that we were having, brought us to near hysterical laughter. At one point the nurse came in to check a BP and she scolded BigD for laughing so hard after just having had his lung pierced by a large hollow needle. The one that really brought us down was when a commercial for Ob.ama came on and Jimmy loudly called out "goddamn nut" and BigD whispered through the curtain, "I think so too". Since I am voting for O.bama I wanted to hit both of them but I restrained myself. Thankfully Jimmy brought some laughter into an otherwise dismal day. Now, about that miracle...........

Gimme a sign

Tom the tumor is having a hollow needle rammed into his head on Thursday 10-9 at 9 am. Ironically that day would be my mothers 90th birthday if she were alive. She looooovvvved BigD. She thought he was funny and naughty. My mom liked naughty and loved a good filthy joke at the same time she was pretending to be horrified. Sign? Also yesterday BigD got some crackers out of the vending machine at work. They were tasty so he went back for another package and blinked twice..the number was B9. Sign? Are the moon and the sign in the right spots? Sign? I am grasping at straws here folks. I spent the morning on the phone doing other peoples jobs. Scheduling things that should have been scheduled last week, arranging for the CT to be burned onto a CD, faxing reports etc. I got a referral to a "famous" thoracic surgeon in the next state and even talked to the insurance people and got the go ahead to see him. This appointment was in no small part due to the fact that my BIL is a VIP with VVIP friends. I can't give details because those of you that are up on your worldwide companies may be able to figure out who, what, when, where etc and I am not up to going public. For most people though, you would never have heard of BIL so it really doesn't matter so don't even bother trying to figure it out, he is a VIP but not THAT VIP. So, if you are just hanging out, cleaning your belly button lint on Thursday morning, give a nod to whoever you nod to and wish for BigD a simple Tom rather than a complex Tom.

Update on Tom

When I got to work this morning I called the LG (lung guy, remember?) and told them to dial me at extension 1234 today as I was in the medical center next door, to tell me what time the biopsy would be scheduled. I figured if they called home and I wasn't here to get the call we could possibly miss the appointment. The front desk girl, the one with the nose and eyebrow piercings said "oh, ok" and we hung up. They didn't call before lunch so for sure they would call not long after. 3 o'clock came and went and still no call. Then 4, then 4:30. I would never dream of keeping a patient waiting and worrying like that but then again, I don't work for them, miss piercings does so they may be a little more laid back than I am used to. I left work at 4:45 and decided to go to the south medical building, I work in the north, and see if miss piercings had done her job. When I got there, and very politely asked if she had had a chance to set up the biopsy, she told me she didn't know how to do that. HUH?! Well right before I was about to fly over the desk and rip out her brow ring, the doctor walks out of an exam room and I made eye contact with him. He remembered me and muttered something about how he tried on Friday to call the radiologist but never got through (yeah, right and I bet you have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell me too buddy). I politely said that I would be happy to wait if he wanted to get it set up RIGHT NOW (I wanted to add "you stupid asshole, don't you know we are scared out of our minds that BigD has a malignant Tom in his lung"?) I gotta give him credit, he picked up the phone, dialed radiology and talked to Dr. Xray. The only thing was that he held the phone away from his ear so I could hear both ends of the conversation. I heard some things that I wish I hadn't heard. LG: Pull up the CT on BigD and tell me what you think. DrX: It looks like a probable malignancy. LG: That's what I thought too. DrX: You should probably do a bronchoscopy and biopsy. LG: But because of the plaques, I would be doing a "blind biopsy" and wouldn't be sure if I had tissue from the mass. Could you do a needle aspiration? DrX: Can the patient lie on his stomach? LG: Yes. Do you think you could aspirate that way? DrX: I think I could get to it that way with CT guidance. LG: Ok, we will fax over the order and you can call the patient and schedule. Oh my god. I am so glad I am not allowed to be in the room. I can feel the waves of nausea coming over me just thinking about my husband laying on his stomach while they pierce his lung from behind to take a chunk of Tom out for pathology. So, while I was hoping that this would be scheduled for tomorrow, chances are it will be later in the week. This is all so surreal. Two weeks ago we didn't have ANY of this knowledge and now it is all I can think about. There are so many what ifs. My biggest fear is that Tom is related to the asbestos. I can handle it if we need to get rid of Tom and a portion of his home. We can deal with chemo, hair loss, puking etc. I can't deal with the thought of losing my husband. Hell, it has taken me 27 years to get him just the way I want him.

His name is Tom

With the roller coaster of feelings this past week at one point we found humor. BigD is known for his bizarre humor, some would actually call it sick. I think it comes from so many years working in law enforcement and seeing unspeakable things. Sometimes you need humor to offset the sadness. and fear. Tonight BigD told me he has named the tumor. He is calling it Tom the tumor. Sounded out phonetically he is actually calling it Tomass a combo of Tom and mass. Clever guy that BigD. We saw the lung specialist yesterday and he wasn't able to bring up the CT scan on the computer because of the new change over to digital that just HAD to happen this week in the radiology dept. So, we left his office with really no more information than we had going in. We left at 3 and he was going to go to the hospital to look at the CT himself and discuss it with the radiologist. We didn't hear back from him so we split a bottle of x.anax and went to bed. I managed to wait till 11 this morning to make the call to his office and they told me he wouldn't be in till 1 so we waited a bit more. Finally at 3 the lung guy (who will from now on be known as LG) called. He discussed the scan with the radiologist, viewing it together, and the game plan they both feel is best is a needle aspiration followed by a PET scan if the aspiration doesn't tell them what they want to know. He told me that the lesion is at the base of the lung (which I knew since I have a copy of the report)and it is 4 centimeters. In the tumor world that is considered small. I don't know, I guess it is small for a tumor but a great size for say, a diamond. He said it is better to have a 4 cm lesion at the base of the lung than a 1 cm lesion in the middle. Whew, thank goodness for location analysis, I feel MUCH better now. not. We know that BigD has the asbestos screwing up the top of his lungs and my biggest fear is that this tumor is related to that. If it is, it is fatal. Now it is 8:30 on Friday night. This whole bad dream started two weeks ago. As of right now, we don't have a date or time for any of the upcoming tests/procedures so we get to spend another weekend thinking about the "what if's". When we were lying in bed last night we covered about every topic imaginable and if nothing else this whole event has been a rude awakening about how ill prepared we are if something happens to one of us. We did wills 25 years ago, before kids, before anything. That needs to be updated along with living wills, power of attorney etc. One of the 12 forms we had to fill out at the LG office was about all that....we just looked at each other and simultaneously said 'shit". Both SIL's (even the evil one!) came over today and brought ham, fattening potatoes, seven layer salad, brownies, coffee cake etc....if nothing else I won't be losing weight through this whole ordeal. We didn't plan on saying anything to the boys until we knew something concrete but since S1 came home from college today for a doctors appt for a sinus infection, he was here when I was talking to LG about BigD so I had to put on a positive spin and tell him that it was probably no big deal and then because he knew, I had to tell the other two so they wouldn't think I was hiding anything from them. I am hiding something though....I am hiding how worried I am. Being the child of a horrid alcoholic I learned very early on to hide my emotions so I can internalize my fears and they don't show to the outside world. Of course it reeks havoc on my system and the stress comes out in other ways but at least I feel confident that nobody else is affected by my fears. I am so tired and feeling very impatient.