Friday, October 10, 2008


Ok, today I started bargaining with God. I don't usually do this. I was raised a Catholic and now refer to myself as being in recovery. To be completely honest when I hear people talk about their unwavering faith I either think how wonderful it is, or I think they are a kook. I understand that faith is just You can't see it, touch it, smell it, taste it, but for many people it is as real as any of those things you can actually sense. I wish I had that. BigD does, his parents were very faithful. My family, well we are a bunch of degenerates. At least I don't usually tell God (and yes, we are on speaking terms, I thank him daily for my wonderful family and minimal problems compared to most people), I don't tell him that "ok, if you do this for me, I will promise to be nicer to people, etc". I am already too nice to a lot of people. I don't barter with higher powers, but if today for example, He would like to whip up one of his amazing miracles, that would be just super duper with me. We will probably get the path report back today. Yesterdays biopsy went well. The radiologist was hot so that helped (well it helped me, not so sure it helped BigD) and was very precise in his needle aspiration (he claimed he was 100% sure he was at the proper site) and was very comforting after. He was honest in telling us that most growths like this are typically cancer but that doesn't mean it can't be treated. Unless of course it is mesothelioma which is not treatable...i am whispering because i don't want to say it out loud... Even through all the weirdness of these events, there was a bright spot in the day. His name is Jimmy and he just had a stroke. He was BigD's roomie for the day. Jimmy was mostly aphasic (which means he was unable to talk) but the one thing he managed to blurt out repeatedly and LOUDLY was "goddamn nut". The fact that some of his timing was right during a conversation that we were having, brought us to near hysterical laughter. At one point the nurse came in to check a BP and she scolded BigD for laughing so hard after just having had his lung pierced by a large hollow needle. The one that really brought us down was when a commercial for Ob.ama came on and Jimmy loudly called out "goddamn nut" and BigD whispered through the curtain, "I think so too". Since I am voting for O.bama I wanted to hit both of them but I restrained myself. Thankfully Jimmy brought some laughter into an otherwise dismal day. Now, about that miracle...........


serenity said...

I'm coming into this VERY late, I'm sorry. On many levels, actually. Sorry you and BigD have to deal with this, and hoping that the path report comes back with something treatable. AND NOT the M-word. Either way... I'm sorry. and I'm sending you a virtual hug.

My Prostate's in a Mason Jar by the Door said...

I can't believe what a stud you are for writing so clearly about this terrible time. (I hope you don't mind me calling you a stud.) When I was waiting for a path report (it took a week, by the way), I was really a nervous wreck. The last thing I wanted to do was to write to people about it all. Of course, I wrote A LOT later as I prepared to publish my book.

You are fast becoming one of my heroes. The unsung heroes of dealing with cancer scares are the caretakers. You obviously love BigD very much; he is lucky to have someone like you looking out for him.

Your faith will grow through this trauma. You will find a new sense of peace with the world, even with all the turmoil surrounding you.

Thank you for keeping us informed. Know that there are many of us, including total strangers like me, who deeply care about those who are going through the struggle you are facing.

Bless you both!

Rob, Tina and the boys said...

You guys were on my mind all day yesterday. I am also glad you're blogging through all this. I feel like there's a big "blogger family" going on here and we're all thinking about you both and the boys.

Michele said...

I am just showing my support with a smile and a virtual hug. "my prostate's in a mason jar by the door" pretty much said it all: you are a stud (studdette?) and hero to many of us out here.
It is good that you can find a little humor in even the worst of days.
I'm hoping for that miracle for you, too!

Stephanie said...

Your spirit is amazing. BigD is lucky to have you by his side through this. Still praying your you both.

tz said...

well i'm a firm believer that laughter is the best medicine....if it hurts, he can hold a pillow against the incision while he least it helps with abdominal surgery.

maybe because he was aphasic only part of his thought came out and what he was really saying was "you better win over that god damn nut"

I will continue to think good thoughts your way

and hubby and i are on cancelling each others votes this year too!

Sitting in Silence said...

Thinking of you OHN...xoxo