Sunday, December 21, 2008

This little girl

Posted by PicasaShe had such a confusing childhood. Nothing unlike many children have, but she didn't understand so many things. At a very early age she learned how to not make noise because it might make her father mad. When he was mad he was very mean. She thought it was all her fault because she didn't know what else could possibly make someone so angry. She tried so hard to be quiet, not leave toys laying around, and she tried to be invisible.
She learned to escape into her little fantasy world in her head. It was just like a television show. You know...the one where the family all sits at dinner, laughing, and the kids tell the parents how swell they are. The one where the father calmly explains why he said "no" to a particular request. The one where the father never hit the mother or the mother was never lying on the kitchen floor with blood around her. The television shows that were an escape from that was happening in her house, not daily, but too often. Ozzie and Harriett, The Cleaver Family..they were all what she wished for.
She was so confused but relieved when her father told her that he was moving out. He blamed her mother, saying she was a bad mother. This was very confusing because she seemed like a really good mother. In fact her mother was the one that always protected her.
There were words swirling that a 6 year old didn't understand. Divorce. Alcoholic. Safety. There was whispering. Nobody in her town had parents that were divorced. She was the only one and everyone was whispering about it which made her want that fantasy life even more. She had no idea that the reason people were whispering is that they were worried for her...she was too young to understand all of it. All she knew is that people were looking and talking about her and it was embarrassing.
That Christmas she asked Santa for a doll. This was a special doll that actually moved when you wound up the special wheel on her back. He told her that if she was very good, she would get the doll. She was certain it wouldn't be there because she must have been very bad. Her father had moved to a different house, her mother was nervous, the police stopped by to say hi but she knew that police arrested bad people and took them away and she was sure she had been bad for all of this to happen.
When I found this picture I had planned on telling all of you that this Santa was actually our mailman that dressed up on Christmas Eve and for $10 he would make a stop at your house, pose for a few pix and be on the way to his next house. I am here to tell you, Mr. Bozer was THE BEST SANTA EVER! He was a good friend of my mom's and spent an extra few minutes at my house before heading back to the North Pole to load up the sleigh. It was an amazing thing for me....I actually had the REAL Santa come to my house. I didn't know for years that so many people were trying so hard to make me happy. They understood all the things that were happening that I thought were my fault. Now I look back and wonder what would have happened had they not all been there to support my mom. After my parents divorced, many asked her what took her so long. You have to understand, this was a different time. A time when 50% of marriages didn't end. A time when you stayed married no matter what.
I started this post to tell you a happy story of a little girl who got the doll she really wanted. The one that she would treat with love and could be the baby she could take care of and protect. I had no idea all of this other stuff would come out. I guess some memories stick around long after you thought they were gone.

11 comments:

She's A Rebel, She's A Saint said...

I'm glad that you shared this. We all have so much that we carry around, and it feels good to connect to other people and know that we're not alone.

Thanks for cheering me on with my weight loss. I truly appreciate the support.

Tina said...

What a great story.

beagle said...

It really is sad that so few of us had that Cleaver family.

I'm so glad I know you.

xo

Pamela Jeanne said...

Photographs can elicit the most powerful memories can't they? What a lot for such an adorable, innocent little girl to have to deal with...

So glad you got the doll and the Santa visits. Too bad Santa couldn't take away all the bad stuff.

Crockstar said...

What a great story. Thank you for sharing and I am so glad your mom had people to support her, and you.

Merry Christmas!

Ellen said...

That little girl is pretty cool. I've made me believe in Santa.

Have a beautiful Christmas.

Cheers, eastvillageidiot

Dr. Deb said...

Sending you Glad Tidings!

Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho said...

OHN, Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Count your blessings and enjoy each day.
Jerry

kimmirich said...

Mery Christmas. A lovely post and I'm so happy you were surrounded by love during those most difficult times.
hugs

Demeter said...

What a heavy burden on a little girl. I am glad your family had the support they needed in those times, it is always hard to have our parents separate. I know how hard it is because I also come from divorced parents.

preppyplayer said...

Just found your blog and want you to know I'll be back. Mainly because of this post. What an honest person you are. Very cool that you are able to see the positive of that difficult situation- that there were people that cared and tried to help.