Friday, October 30, 2009

His mother warned me

BigD's mother warned me before we were married that BigD has never taken criticism well.

As a child, teen, and even adult, he would have an internal meltdown when he was called out for a mistake....either big or small.

You see, he doesn't think he is ever wrong. E.V.E.R.

It is the one thing about him that drives me batty. When I make a mistake, I own it, and try not to do it again.

Two days ago he got a letter from the bank notifying him of an overdraft in his account. He shook his head and said they must be wrong and I foolishly thought he would promptly call them and correct the "error" (which I knew was his, not the banks, but I kept my mouth shut).

Fast forward to today. ANOTHER letter. He never even picked up the phone. Did he think that it would just solve itself?????

Now he is seven days over-drafted at 8 bucks a day, plus the initial overdraft fee, and the actual FOUR HUNDRED dollars he spent, when it wasn't there to spend.

He has no idea how he did that....but I know. He was away with 3 other guys at a training seminar and I know that he was using his debit card, without even giving it a thought.

We have several checking accounts and this one is the one he uses for his stuff. About 10 days ago, I deposited $1500 into that account and he was like a kid in a candy store.

New boots, a fancy new power washer, etc etc.

He debited and debited until he was happy with the amount of toys he had, subtracting incorrectly in his head, not bothering to write any of the debits down.

This would be a good point to tell you that I take care of all the bill paying......because of the fact that when he did it earlier in our marriage this sloppy math happened on a regular basis.

So, today, he asked if I could transfer money to cover the damage.

He could tell I was pissed. I honestly don't care what he buys or what it costs, I just want him to freaking pay attention!

So, being the horrid woman that I am, I asked him "how on earth do you spend $400 and not know that there isn't enough to cover it". It wasn't said in anger, just disgust.

He told me not to give him "attitude". I dropped it there and walked out of the room. Had I stayed, it would have gotten ugly. Really ugly.

I am so pissed right now I can't see straight.

He has issues with appearances. He always has. If we are out with another couple, he always insists on picking up the tab, because he doesn't want them to think that we can't.

He has to have things for show. He wants people to think that we don't struggle to live where we do, to drive the nice cars we have etc etc.

Both of his brothers are very very well off. Lots of bucks, and no worries. BigD has always felt lesser because of his 'average' financial status in the family. This is so stupid I can't stand it. Neither one of his brothers has ever looked down on him in the least.

We don't have tons of debt, (thanks to me paying things off whenever I can--not to brag, it is just important to me, and much less stressful for me, if I don't have to worry daily about who we owe--so call it self preservation).

He does know that me handling the money is for the best....but he wouldn't say it out loud to save his life.

So...he is now pissed at ME, because I had the nerve to point out to HIM that this is something that he caused by his carelessness. (though I never used those words). He left here with S3 for a Friday night football game with a huge chip on his shoulder. How in the hell is this MY fault?

It is times like this, that make me even more sure, that I would never ever get married again.

Yes, I know, never say never.....but honestly, sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

Marriage is even harder than parenting. At least the kids learn from their mistakes.

What makes a person unable to accept their flaws??? None of us are perfect.

S1, S2 and S3, all know that their dad cannot admit failure at anything. Thankfully, they have been able to use it as a lesson, and all of them are able to say, "I screwed up" and move on.

I know this is rambling, but I had to get it out. I am sure I will toss and turn tonight and have to resist the urge to smother someone that is in bed with me.

And I don't mean the dogs.


*mary* said...

I won't even get into it right now, but please know you are NOT alone in this. At least you are 'allowed' to pay the bills. I go through this same thing but mine insists on total control of the finances now that he is the only one with a "real job" while I go back to school and take care of our child. Ahem, so yeah, here I am getting into it anyway.

buffalodick said...

My wife makes sure all the bills are paid. She is the detail person, I paint with a broad brush. The financial planning is mostly me, but nothing is done without a debate or two- until we both agree. We always lived below our means, because I don't care what other people think I have- I know what I have..
My son, after becoming a U of M grad, got a great job in K.C... He said it best- "Dad, did you ever notice when you can finally afford something you've wanted, you don't seem to want it as badly anymore"..

Tina said...

I hear you loud and clear. It's a penis thing.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I saw that you were following and I came over for a visit. I am so glad you put it out there!! My hubby also has to have the best of everything. But, he feels like if he throws enough money at his kids it will appease the divorce guilt. He literally pays them his salary every single year. We live on savings. But, you are right. you have to look at the bad and the good and decide the lesser of two evils. BTW...I said I wouldn't get married again and this is number 3!!

Baylee and Blair's page said...

Not alone at all! That's why I pay our bills! Not because we don't have the money to pay them, but my husband just wouldn't pay them! Isn't that crazy? We would be in serious trouble if he handled the finances!

I would be pissed too if I were you!

Hugs - Tiff

Dodi said...

You know, all I can say is be thankful your sons see it and have chosen to be different. That is the only good that can come from character flaws like that. My mother was an alcoholic, and I knew my kids would never have that problem because I would never let that happen to me.

I'm sorry he always has to be right. My husband thinks he's handy around the house... which means my house is one gigantic unfinished project that I'm not allowed to mention or hire someone to fix. At least I can laugh it off. (Once I convinced his best friend to make a comment and tease him about the unfinished shower - it had been two years since he ripped it out - and he got SO MAD when his friend teased him... but he isn't going to yell at his friend so it blew over quickly. Damn it felt good to see him get teased about his shortcoming!)

Anonymous said...

Ah, money. Oh, the power struggles we've had over that one. You're right,I doubt I'd ever marry again myself.

His attitude is not really about money, it's more about accountability and insecurity. I find it a little ridiculous, but sometimes I have to cheerlead my hubby out of his least desirable traits.