phone companies

An open letter to the scum sucking, bottom feeders that are cell phone companies.

Dear Sirs:

(I use the salutation loosely, as the correct salutation should more likely be Dear Shitheads).

I would like to commend you on your use of deceit and coercion in obtaining and constraining consumers. Your well trained personnel can successfully speak out of both sides of their mouths and look people in the eye while doing so.

Well done!

Also, I think it is brilliant that you know you have your grip on us by those tiny little hairs on the backs of our necks. We are helpless without our cells, and you know it. Kudos. Really, does anyone not have one? I have seen people that spend their nights perusing dumpsters, that have at the very least, a disposable cell in their pocket. (Might be “borrowed” from a nice couple that happened to be walking down a dark street one night, might be the one his dealer gave him to let him know when he could score…..not sure on either scenario, but I am sure you get my point). Many of us actually use our phones to earn a living….the very thing that enables us to send you enormous amounts of money each month.

So, it doesn’t surprise me, with your vast knowledge of society’s needs, that you are able to get away with charging loyal customers of 8-10 years duration, with a “small activation fee” so we can use the new phone we HAD to get because the one we got last year doesn’t work any longer. I am sure it is a freakish coincidence that most cell phones purchased in the last 5 years, last about as long as a solid relationship with a hooker. Ironically, stuffed in the back of a drawer, long forgotten, was a phone that was put to rest years ago, in favor of a cooler, more snazzy model. I dug it out, dusted it off, and lo and behold after a little bit of cuddle time with a charger….it hummed like one of Tiger’s dates.

So back to this “small” activation fee. Is my $18 (per phone) going to help your company? No, not really. But given the fact that (approximately) 1.2 billion cell phones were sold in 2009, (you can thank CNN, as they did the leg work for me), that is a tidy little profit for all of you. You go dudes!

Do you want a minute to add that up? Never mind, I have a calculator right here. Let’s see…….oh my! My calculator doesn’t have enough space for all those numbers! I did hear today that the little fee is what you use to pay your employees that don't work on commission. Can I have a job?

So, as you sit on your gilded thrones, having your neck massaged by someone who can’t afford one of your phones, please know that it is with great humility that I salute you. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that your company was run by the same people that give out loans to people with gambling addictions, then later “collect” your loan with interest that may or may not include a body part.

My only pleasure in all of this, is that a kind person gave me the heads up to completely avoid your stores, and do my phone buying at my local Best Buy. Guess what??? They sell YOUR phones cheaper than you do. Yep. Not only that, their equipment protection plan covers A.N.Y. problem. Drive over your phone? Covered. Drop it in the toilet? Covered. NO DEDUCTIBLE either. Sure beats the hell out of your “plan” that covers “some” problems, AFTER we pay you a $100 deductible to replace our phone with a refurb that will have its own set of problems. The kind people at Best Buy don’t work on commission either, so they actually tell you the truth. I KNOW…unheard of huh? OH…and better yet, those annoying rebates you offer us to suck us in, the ones we wait 6 weeks to get back??? Best Buy gives us the rebate price up front. Nothing to mail in. No, I don’t work for Best Buy, nor are the paying me anything to tell you about them. I just really appreciate their way of doing business.

So phone company, I only need to deal with you when I pay my bill each month. Thankfully, I can do that online and don’t have to talk to you liars and thieves.

Hugs,

The OHN family

BEACH BITCHING

When to quit wearing a bikini?

When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece

When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece

When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece

When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece

When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece

When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.

Beach etiquette.

When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.

I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.

I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.

Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)

I've been busy OKAY??

I know, I know. I even lost a reader. So...here is what I have been up to.

I have lost 32 lbs.

(I will take a short pause while you give me a well deserved standing O)

How you ask? Finally coming to the conclusion that I was really really fat and all of my clothes were too tight, and I was eyeballing the next size up. I had to make a decision and realized that I really was miserable (if you are over your ideal weight but are happy, that's great, this isn't a slam to you....I did this for ME, because I was miserable).

So I worked out a plan for myself and I'll be damned....it worked. Most importantly, I feel so much better. I am off a blood pressure med, not groaning when I move from the chair to the refrigerator (yes, I still do frequent the fridge, I just eat 1/2 of my normal portion) and my pants are no longer tight. In fact, I need to get some new ones a couple of sizes smaller. One thing I really NEED to do, is REMOVE my bigger sizes from my house. If they are in my closet, I will always think that I can wear them if I "need" to. My next step is to buy one new item with each paycheck and put one previously worn item in the donation pile. You may not need to do this, but I know myself and I do need to do this.

Okay...next on the menu.

I have been wanting to post this for quite some time, and have re-composed it 10 different ways, but now can't find my draft, so I am gonna wing-it.

If you remember, at the beginning of the year (New Years to be precise) we had a huge issue with S1 being out of control. He was so drunk that BigD had to rescue him from himself, threw the cuffs on him and brought him home. That was also the same week I found out that the skin thingy I had was more than a thingy, that it was cancer. The night BigD brought S1 home he told him during the ride and it totally blew away the kid. I think that was his defining moment....the one where you suddenly realize that your parents won't always be here.

So, that was in January. The first week of March, a family friend was told by one of his friends that he was looking for a young person to work for his new, expanding company. The kid had to be smart (remember S1=freakishly brilliant), honest and willing to work. Without knowing that we had undergone any of the crap in January, this family friend recommended S1 to this corporate wheeler-dealer. S1 had an interview and in mid March accepted a position with the company (full time) while still going to school (full time). To say he was stressed would be an enormous understatement. I was very very worried that he wouldn't be able to handle all the pressure.

Never underestimate the power of happiness when something clicks. S1 not only DID NOT crumble, he flew. He finished the semester with a 3.2, while learning an entirely new career that has nothing to do with his major. Was he tired? Oh yeah. But he wanted this. He knows the windows and doors it can open for him. (I can't tell you the company or get into specifics, I will just say is has to do with Hom.eland Se.curity, cyber crap and assorted other things).

In the meantime......remember the girl that he was crazy about? The one that he has been a "friend" to while she would cry about all the guys that were so rotten to her? The girl that he liked so much that he told me that he told her that he could no longer be her friend, because he liked her in the 'other' way, and not just as a friend. He wanted more. For a few weeks they didn't talk. He was cranky, short tempered and missed her, but he had to cut it clean to move on, and maybe meet someone.

Well, after those couple of weeks she called telling him that she really missed their talks. They met for ice-cream and slowly have become the couple that S1 wanted to be all along. She has been here almost every weekend with him. The best way to explain how I feel about it is that I like the way S1 is when she is around. He is happy, natural (no male chest pounding or bravado) and he laughs.

I think the girl (now to be known as S1GF for S1's girlfriend) is delightful. She is smart (4.4 GPA), funny, has a ton of common sense (not always found in terribly bright people by the way), and the best part......she thinks I am amazing :). Yep....S1 was teasing me about putting me in a home for old people, she smacked him and said if she had anything to say about it, I would never be put in a home. I think I love this girl.

Where it will go is anyone's guess, but for the happiness of my son and the peace she brings him, I hope it goes where he wants it to, wherever that may be. They have run into some interesting issues because of the fact that they are a biracial couple. It amazes me that in 2010 that is still an issue for some people. My own family for instance.

Remember my brother? Yeah. He's still an ass. I had to tell him about S1GF because when he shows up here this summer it would be very likely that he would walk in and say something REALLY stupid and then we would have to kill him, and then I would have to have the carpets cleaned again.

When I told him, his response.....priceless. "What? They run out of white girls in Ohio?". I hung up on him. Yes. I really did. He is such a tasteless moron. It defies me that we have any genetic material in common.

Honestly, when I told S1GF about him and the fact that he will undoubtedly say something obnoxious, she laughed and said "bring it on". Did I mention that I love this girl? Though she did say it wouldn't be fair for her to fight with him as she would be trying to match wits with an unarmed man. So true. So true.

In the middle of all of this life crap, I also had my kitchen redone. Ripped out the old crappy counters (almost 20 years worth of cooking done there) and had some gorgeous granite installed. Photos will come when I get a chance.

So do you forgive me for not being around for a bit? If you find out who the person was that dropped me from their reader list, let them know I am back. I hate feeling unloved.

I have plenty more topics to cover so y'all come back soon.

Ohh yes. Yes I did.

I ran into an old friend at the grocery store earlier this evening. We both were at the service counter waiting to buy some stamps.

We were getting caught up, and when we were finished with our purchases, we moved over about 8 inches so we weren't blocking the counter.

She has just started selling real estate and I asked her how it was going. She told me that she actually showed the house next door to me, but the potential buyers felt that for the price point, it should be in perfect condition and it needs some paint and carpet (this is the house where we dog sat a few months back and the sweet pup was so distraught over his family being gone he had DIARRHEA all over the place. S3 was gagging and couldn't clean it up, so I did. It was disgusting.) Anyway, without giving you an exact asking price, lets just say it is what would be considered a home that an executive would buy. She also told me that it is a divorce situation....which didn't surprise me at all. Frankly the guy is kind of a toad. He never speaks unless he is at the door asking for our ladder. Zippo on personality, and frankly, S2 and I both think he is a pedop.hile He just gives us the creeps. (Yes, weirdos even live in expensive neighborhoods. Sadly at their asking price it could be years before they sell.)

So, she asked me what the guy did for a living. I told her where he worked and she queried how on earth he could afford that home (his position is more one of community service type job than actual employment). I told her that his wife is VP of a huge national corporation, and she was the one with the bucks.

She then surmised that the reason he hasn't done any interior sprucing is that he really doesn't want to sell because he will probably be moving to a less desirable area. I told her it was because he is a lazy slob.

Guess who was standing behind me at the service counter. Yep. Lazy slob.

Yes folks. This crazy shit happens to me all the time. I almost choked trying not to laugh. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, as he was LITERALLY 8 inches from me. If he had farted I would have felt it. When my friend saw me with the OH SHIT look on my face, and in fact I actually uttered those words, she instantly knew. We walked away practically hyperventilating.

When we were a safe distance away I asked her how long he had been standing there (my back was to him) and she had no idea. Believe me, with me telling her where he worked and in the next breath telling her where the wife worked......I can guarantee you there are no other people in our town with those EXACT jobs. He not only knew I was talking about him, but that I figured out he is a lazy slob.

I came home and told BigD, S2 and S3 what happened and we were all laughing so hard we were crying. Truth be told, when we saw the Realtor sign go up in the yard the OHN household did a little happy dance. I am betting he won't miss us either :)

I need opinions...seriously. This is long and involved but I need help.**update

I have a dilemma and sincerely would appreciate input from any of you reading this.

I need to decide if my attending a funeral would help or hurt.

Here is the back story. A few years ago one of my employees became more than an employee, she became a friend. She was going through a messy divorce from her (executive) alcoholic husband. She spent many hours telling me about their situation and told me time and time again how much she appreciated my friendship and allowing her to vent. This mess went on for a couple of years.

After her husband moved out of their beautiful new home, she was just starting to settle in, as a soon to be single parent to her kids. The youngest was 2. One day, the ex called her at work (she is a Nur.se Prac.titioner with her own patient base) and he threatened to kill himself. She called his parents and they arrived at the home, to find that he had in fact hung himself in the garage. (he had been told that day by his superior, that he needed to get his shit together, get treatment or his job would be eliminated....he was an executive for a local company)

At the time BigD was working a shift at our local hospital. When he arrived and saw this mans name as a DOA, he called me, knowing that I would want to help my friend. It was time for the kids to arrive home from school, and the house was being treated as a crime scene and BigD was very worried that the kids would come home to that.

I immediately called my friend, and asked if she wanted me to come over and snag up the kids or anything. After a minute, she asked "how did you hear?". I told her BigD was at the hospital and he had called concerned for the children. Her mother was on the way to intercept the kids so my help wasn't needed at that time.

Because BigD heard about the death while he was working at the hospital, and because he called me (even though it was not gossip, but sincere concern for the kids), the deceased man's parents went ballistic, and my friend wasn't too thrilled either. They were fearful that word would get out that their son/husband had committed suicide. (keep in mind, this is a fairly small community and you can't fart without your neighbor knowing). Anyhow, one thing led to another and the victims parents, and my friend, demanded that the hospital fire BigD as he had violated H.IPAA by calling me with the "news". BigD tried to explain that once a suicide call goes out over the p.olice radio, it is public knowledge, hence H.IPAA wasn't violated, but the hospital feared a lawsuit so they told BigD they were very sorry but that he was out. Since it was just an "off-d.uty" job, it really wasn't a huge deal to us, but it made us sad that he was let go, for trying to do the right thing at the time. This all transpired about 3 years ago. The friend had to quit working part-time for me and concentrate on building her own client base, as the s.uicide left her without any life/health insurance etc.

This morning, BigD called me to tell me that my friends 16 year old daughter and 13 year old son were in a horrific car accident going to school. The daughter was killed and the son, most likely, will not survive.

I am absolutely sick for this mom. I simply cannot imagine the devastating news she got this morning. I can't think about anything else.

The thing I need help with is deciding if it would be appropriate for me to attend calling hours or the funeral. She and I never argued, but it was made pretty clear that she was upset that I knew about her husbands death before it became public knowledge. Now, she has lost her daughter. I certainly don't want to upset her more, if my being there will remind her of her ex's situation. But I also feel that she is going to need to see that people care.

Please let me know your honest opinion. Feel free to pose this to your own friends and see if they have an opinion. I am really stuck on this one.

**I just got a call that the 13 year old boy died this morning at 8:57. His mother signed organ donation papers. So many people will have their lives begin again today, as this boys life ends. I cannot imagine the devastating grief of this mom.

I know, I KNOW!

I have been conspicuously absent from here. Not to worry. I am still kicking and have several snarky posts in my head. But, right now, I need to write a quick letter to the girl that was in my family room last night.

Dear girl whose name I can't remember:

I see you sitting on my couch, gazing adoringly at my almost 20 year old son, and know what you are thinking. You are picturing your wedding day. You probably have your bridesmaids picked out. I hate to burst your bubble, but my son has never mentioned your name before, consequently, I would hold off ordering your gown for the big day. Chances are he went back to school today and he will probably text you, or send you f.acebook messages, but trust me, you aren't "the one". I am pretty sure I would know your name if you were.

P.S. It was pretty awkward when I walked in the room (the room that has no wall between it and the kitchen) and saw you rubbing my sons thigh. Please don't do that again. And if you have to do that, please at least STOP or look embarrassed, not look like you are ready to rip off his/your clothes.

Sincerely,

Not your future mother-in-law.

The giveaway winner is.........

Tina! from http://www.littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com

So, you know why.....the panel consisted of several males. The fact that Tina actually PLANNED on putting out, well, that made her a clear winner in their eyes.

So, I guess the floosy wins :)

Tina...send me your address again. I probably have it somewhere, on some device, but I am too lazy to look.

Awards and such

Over the last couple of months that my life has revolved around the chaos that it has been, I have been very lax in thanking the lovelies that have bestowed upon me glorious awards. So, without further adieu I would like to thank Preppy Player http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com and my friend DD http://knockuout.wordpress.com for the new little decorations on the side of my blog.

But, these things don't come for free. Nope. I have to dig deep into my soul and bare it for all of you. So, first I will tackle Preppys:

The Rules: 1. List 10 things that make you happy. (and grateful)

2. Top 10 bloggers that brighten your day. (like the sun coming thru the clouds)

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. S1.

2. S2.

3. S3. (okay...so taking a spot for each kid....that's a cheating a little bit, but they each make me happy with all their individual idiosyncrasies, ideas, thoughts, mannerisms, and on and on....besides it is my list so I can use up as many spots as I want for whatever-deal with it).

4. My animals. Well, pretty much all animals. They fascinate me and at the same time, they make me into "the weird lady down the street that talks to the animals". I have been known to talk to other families dogs when they are pooping in my yard. Usually is is something along the lines of 'GO SHIT IN YOUR OWN YARD...YOUR PEOPLE ARE INCONSIDERATE AND STUPID'.

5. Funny television. Right now I am hooked on Psych. It is one of those shows that if you don't really pay attention to the dialog and delivery, you miss a lot. Funny funny show.

6. Smart people. I love to be surrounded by smart people. People that don't have a clue, well, just walk on by, because you give me a sore neck from all the head shaking I have to do.

7. My DVR. Next to the discovery of knowledge that you can make cocoa beans into chocolate, the DVR is the best invention ever. Commercials turn my brain to mush.

8. Making people smile. I take it as a personal challenge when I am somewhere and the clerk/receptionist/whatever is a grumpy nasty person. I engage them in a conversation and am nauseatingly sweet and refuse to walk away till they at least crack the teeniest of smiles. It is a gottcha moment for me. Kinda like a notch on the bedpost.

9. Food. Oh dear god I love food.

10. Being on the beach. There really aren't too many things that are better than having my ass on the beach, reading a good book, watching my "adult" children play in the water, check out girls, tell awful disgusting jokes and just be with me. I know that before long they will have wives and kids and lives. I have to cherish the moments now.

10 1/2. Big D. He is like the saying my mom used to say "when he is good, he is very very good...when he is bad, he is horrid" (this was actually part of a rhyme about a girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead). This May we will have been married 29 years, so, lots of ups and downs are inevitable, but most of the time, he is my rock.

10 Bloggers That Make Me Smile: (I will preface this list by saying there are WAY more than 10, but I am only allowed to name 10 and some of them are private, so...here they are:

1.Eden http://edenriley.blogspot.com

2. Patty http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com

3. Jerry http://monologuewriter.blogspot.com

4. Tina http://littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com

5. Lorrie http://ournameisblog.blogspot.com

6. Thystle http://www.missthystle.com

7. Deathstar http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com

8. Cranky http://crankylitprof.wordpress.com

9. Kat http://www.mamakatslosinit.com

10. Ina http://ina-offret.blogspot.com

Be sure, these are not even close to all of the ones I peruse and laugh with, provoke thoughts, have great ideas, photos, locations, etc., but these are the ones that popped into my empty morning head.

Now, on to DD's. Hers involves me revealing 7 things about myself. While most people don't like memes....I love to talk about myself (in fact I think that meme should be called memememememememe, cuz they are all about me).

1. I am a fanatic about animals. When I see someone that I don't think is a good dog/cat owner, in my head, I secretly plot a way to get the animal a better home.

2. I have a huge issue with a busy mind. Even when I don't want to be thinking about something, it never shuts down. It flings from one thing to the next and in the length of time it takes to fill a glass of water, I will typically have had at least 10 thoughts/ideas/memories/CONVERSATIONS (yes, I have conversations in my OWN head with how people (mostly BigD) is going to respond to any comment I make. It can be exhausting. I have been told by friends that I most likely have A.D.D. though, I am able to completely focus when I am reading a good book. All the noise in my head goes away.

3.If it contains chocolate, I will most likely eat it.

4.I have recently been friend-ed on Fbook by a few high school acquaintances and am completely shocked that each one has told me that they remember me as very nice and kind to everyone. My memories of high school lean more toward the fact that I was terrified almost every day (not a safety issue...it was a private girls school, with a graduating class of 83 girls...and really, when we are all stuck wearing uniforms, how scary could it have been???).....I was the most insecure, quiet, daydreamer ever.

5.Though I love animals, I never owned a cat until I was 42. I bought into all the "they are sneaky" "they are loners", "they make the house smell".....then S1 rescued a starving kitty from a tree, brought him home and I realized all those people that were telling me that stuff are full of shit. Ours is sweet, loving, 'talks' to us on an hourly basis, DOES NOT jump on counters, cuddles with the dogs, and HATES to have a used litter box. Consequently, I clean it every morning and every night, and when people come over, unless he comes out to say hi, they have no idea a kitty owns this house.

6. I was engaged TWICE before I met BigD. (see, I told you I was insecure. I figured if I didn't say yes when asked, they would disappear and I would be a haggard old spinster). One of them had the life long goal of being promoted to the dayshift at the plant so he could hang with his buddies at the pool hall at night. Wonder why I let this one go. The other one. Wow, that should actually be a post in itself. In a nutshell, we met, he was 13 years old than me, I thought he was so cosmopolitan. He had been married 3 times before (that should have been a teeny hint to me, but, nah, I thought it was all the wives fault) Turns out, the whole time we were engaged, he was engaged to someone else. We had an argument one Sunday morning, he didn't call later and I was starting to think that maybe we should wait to get married. Fast forward 6 weeks. I get a letter in the mail from HIS WIFE, with a copy of their wedding announcement, including a photo, that was published in the paper. Yes people, he was engaged to both of us at the same time. Let's just say, I really dodged a bullet on that one. (Years after, I found out he had lied to me over and over and over again when we were together.....one of his wives was actually in the J.ohn B.elushi drug circle when he died, this guy who had told me he really wanted to have kids with me----had had a vas.ectomy and had 2 daughters already.....and those are just two of the highlights of his lies. The only thing he ever told me that was true was that I was too good for him. I shoulda listened sooner!

7.I am really scared to die. Not the actual dying part. The part where I won't be here. I don't want to miss out on things. I don't want my boys to have the kind of pain I had when my own mom died. I am insecure about the afterlife. Is there really a place I go when I am done here? I would like to have proof. I am not big on "really, just believe me" scenarios. Also, the whole "I'll be watching over you" thing......kinda creepy.

Now I need to get 7 of you to give up the goods. I am not going to pick you, because I don't want you pissed at me (yeah, those damn insecurities again) but if you would be so kind, we would all like to know more about you. Really. Seriously. After I just bared my soul, it is the least you could do.

FIRST EVER OHN GIVEAWAY!!!

MUK-LUKS So here's the deal. I ordered these, and they are not my size. If I were to pay to ship them back, my refund wouldn't even cover my shipping, sooooooo, I decided to let my impulse buy, be your gain.

They have never been worn, still have tags, are size X-large (I wear a behemoth size 9.5 woman's shoe and they are too big--though would be great if I wore big woolly socks too, which would probably cause my feet to get that sweaty, shriveled, wrinkly feeling that DRIVES ME CRAZY!)

These are unisex, so guys or girls can wear them. Let me tell you, they are very very warm.They are green fleece/flannel lined and you can roll down the top for a cuff. Very stylish chickies. They are also machine washable.

So what do you have to do to to win these?

I will tell you.

You have to tell me about the worst date you ever had. It doesn't have to be with your spouse, it could be the date your mother made you go on with your cousin, or the blind date you were set up on, and the date actually was blind and nobody told you. Anyhoo.....when all the stories are in, I will give it about 10 days (because some of you are slackers and don't keep up with blog reading) and the winner will be chosen by a panel of dating experts, who were chosen by the proprietor of this blog.

(Remember, if you win, you will have to be willing to cough up your snail mail address so these can be sent. If you really want to keep it a secret, get a friend to let you use their address.....I promise no flaming bags of poo will arrive on the doorstep. Pinky swear.)

So call your friends, and tell them to enter too. If they win, it's totally your fault for telling them to enter.

On your mark, get set, GO.

So much to say

but I don't know where to start. Topics to consider: 1) My sudden communication with S1's birth father. 2) My medical updates. 3) My kitchen redo update (also called, BigD is still alive, but I may have to kill him yet). 4) Reverse discrimination. 1) When we last met, I had just told you about S1's birth father sending me a message on F.acebook, or as I call it suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book.

In a 24 hour period, he and I traded 18 messages. They got longer and longer and more informational. I have to tell you...he is a great guy. So often, people (me included) think of birth fathers as mere s.perm donors. Wham, bam, oops and I'm outta here. They are rarely portrayed or thought of as people whose lives change with the adoption. They sign a paper and are never heard from again.

This is most definitely NOT the case with this birth father. He was so traumatized by the pregnancy and subsequent adoption that he decided that he didn't want children. He married, not to S1's birth mother, then divorced. At the end of his marriage, his wife told him she was pregnant. He was terrified and really didn't want to become a father. He didn't want to open up his heart like that again. They still divorced, but he is now the father of a wonderful 6 year old that he adores.

He said he has thought about S1 almost every day for the last 21 years. He has hoped that he was in a loving home and was thrilled to hear all that I told him. He told me that for the first time, he felt immense relief, and that I had given him the peace he had needed all these years.

I talked to S1 (in brief bursts) about this whole scenario. He really doesn't want to be in contact with either the birth father or birth mother right now. He knows they are merely a click away, when and if he is ready.

What I will tell you, is that I am stunned at how many things S1 has in common with his birth father. It is almost scary, yet intriguing at the same time.

So, now after 21 years of not giving this guy much credit.....he is now one of my suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book friends. Bizarre, to say the least.

2) My medical dramas.....all the medical crap that I ended 2009 and began 2010 with....the heart is normal. Completely normal. In fact fabulous. I will live to be 100.

Then the cancer thingy. While it was removed, a friend managed to completely freak me out with some g.oogle research and now I am following up with an OBGYN cancer guy just to be sure. It will most likely be a colossal waste of time, but I also don't want to every say "why didn't I?"

3) That brings us to the kitchen redo. So far I have bitten my tongue so many times it resembles ground beef. BigD isn't one to rush into decisions on the homefront. In the meantime, I have picked the granite, the sink, the light fixures have been researched and narrowed down, the length of the island extension that will become our new eating area etc etc. BigD? He is okay with the granite choice. I can't even address the other things because he simply cannot absorb this type of data. Give him some bloody fingerprints and an errant hair, and he is all over it like stink on shit. I KNOW that he will, at some point, decide that all of these choices were originally his, and it will be full steam ahead. The waiting...ugh. Lets just say, I would like this project done already. Waiting two or three more weeks just to come to the same conclusion is torture for me.

4) That brings us to #4. Reverse discrimination. I don't know if it is a real term, but if not, I declare it here. I have never mentioned much about my home here, because I don't want people forming opinions about me because of where I live or how I live here. Lets just say, that the area where I live is nice. Very nice. Many years ago we had the opportunity to either invest in stocks or real estate. We chose real estate. (good thing too, cause in case you haven't heard lots of people got really screwed in the market). We figured real estate is typically going to hold or increase its value. (at least until recently....those of you that have been hit by the housing crap...my heart goes out to you. Seriously.)

In the last 20 years, the value of our home has increased significantly. Our neighborhood is small and desirable. This brings me to the reverse discrimination part. Many times I am expected to not take advantage of a good deal when it comes along. People assume that because of where I live, I can afford to pay full price or at the very least, not get the discount that is offered someone across town. This is just plain wrong.

We work very hard to keep up our home, and don't waste money. You have read here that I am the queen of cheap. Not chintzy cheap, but get a good deal cheap. Why should I not be given the same consideration that everyone else gets? People also give me the 'how can you live THERE" look and attitude when they know what BigD and I do for jobs. They make assumptions that there must be something untoward going on. No, assholes, we made a great investment, and work hard to enjoy it.

So, if you want me to spend money on your service, give me the same quote for the same job that you give everyone else. Believe me, I know what the going rate is, and if you don't offer it, you will lose my business and I will move on to the next provider of the same service you offer....and I will tell my friends you are a jerk.

So, that gets us caught up for now. Do you have readers cramp yet? Thought so.

Are there statistics?

On how many men are killed by their wives while trying to make decisions about updating a room in the house where the WIFE spends 90% of her life by a sink or near a stove?

I know one man that most likely will not survive. At the very least, blood will be shed.

This is one of those times where I sit back and ask myself, again, why do women have to marry men?

It's MY kitchen damn it. He can do what he wants to the man cave, garage, yard, whatever...leave my place alone. Trust me when I say that a shiny silver finish light fixture will look like shit in my Tuscan inspired, exposed brick kitchen.

I am too pissed to even write about it. THAT'S PISSED.

perfectly ordinary day

I am working on the follow-up post to the birth-fathers sudden appearance on my f.acebook. In the meantime, I wanted to post this link. To those of you that have children, you will be nodding your head. To those of you waiting for your children, it is a little bit of advice from those of us that have crossed over to being parents. (this may require a tissue for some of you) I can almost guarantee that you will be sending it on to your parents, or friends. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0

HOLY FREAKIN SHIT (* with an update)

First goo.gle now face.book.

For those of you that have been reading for awhile, you will remember about 3 years ago( January posts 2006-I think), I was helping one of my blog buddies figure out how to do some sleuthing to try to find her child's birth parents.

In the midst of helping, goog.le rocked my world by popping up S1's birth mother. Yep. Smack dab in the middle of my monitor.

She had listed her contact info on his 18th birthday, (I discovered it 3 months later) and I got up the courage to email her. We had a few exceptionally nice emails, I passed on the info to S1 and told him he had my blessing if he was curious and felt the need to contact her. She sounds very sweet.

I honestly don't know if he ever did anything with the info. I printed out all of her correspondence to me and mine to her. I put it in an envelope with all the adoption info we had from the agency, along with the hospital photos of her and S1's birth father holding him. There was also a very sweet letter she wrote him. The kind of sweet that a 15 year old would write, wanting to sound so mature and articulate.

I don't think he ever even opened the envelope, because I think he would have told me. He knows that I am not threatened by them anymore ( I quit worrying they would swoop in and take him away when he was about, oh, about 15) and if he had been in touch, I am fairly certain he would have shared the experience with me.

SO....today, I am harvesting my farmv.ille crops, milking my cows and deciding whether to buy another damn pig. I open my home page to see what all my fbook buds are up to today, and read some of Jerry's jokes, and there is a message in the inbox.

Yeah, you KNOW where this is going.......

I open it up and it is from some guy with the subject line "Hi". I almost deleted it thinking it was some dude creepin on old ladies with fbook's. Lo and behold, I start reading the note and holy freaking shit...it is a note from S1's birth father. He says he emailed me a year ago and never heard back (HELLO?? no kidding???? I DELETE emails from people that I don't know who put "hi" in the subject line........doesn't everyone??)

So obviously, my stomach starts churning and I have to decide how I want to respond. I did, telling him that because of the way that you can find out almost anything, about almost anybody now, I needed more proof he was actually who he said he was.

While I sit here and wait for my inbox to show a message back, I decided to start creeping on his fbook. DAMN. S1 looks a lot like him. It is freaky to see the man that was part of bringing my son into this world, staring at me in photos.

He seems like an okay guy.

I looked to see who he is friends with, and they all look normal.

He is even friends with S1's birth mother......that I never even gave a thought to looking up on fbook before.

He doesn't share his info unless you are a friend, but I didn't see anyone that looked like a significant other in the photos, so I don't know if he ever married. I am betting I will find out though. He is probably about 40 now. He was older than S1's birth mother and in the adoption data we got, it stated he wanted to go into the military. On his fbook.....he posted a status that he had just passed his 2oth anniversary of service, so he obviously followed up on that interest.

I am just sitting here shitting myself. I have to decide the right time to call S1 and tell him. I have never kept anything from him about his adoption, and certainly won't start now. My biggest worry is that it will be upsetting to him. He really is very sensitive and HATES change. This is change people.

One thing I forgot to ask this guy was how he knew my name....hmmmmm. Maybe the birth mom told him..i dunno.

My stomach was upset all afternoon with a stupid GI bug, now this. Hell, by tomorrow, I will be able to fit into my skinny jeans. (if I can get out of the bathroom long enough to put them on that is).

**UPDATE**

I texted S1, NOT TO TELL HIM, that would be really crappy, but to tell him to call me if he was free and by himself. It wouldn't be cool to hear this with a room full of smelly room-mates.

He called a few minutes ago and the convo went like this:

Me: Hi hon...do you have a minute?

Him: Yeah, what's up?

Me: Are you alone?

Him: No, girl/friend is here, we are about to leave to go watch the game.

Me: Lets just talk later then.

Him: NO! I would just be wondering what you want...go ahead...just tell me.

Me: It is kind of mind blowing news honey, I would rather you be comfortable, and maybe it would be better if you were alone.

Him: JUST SAY IT (getting exasperated...a tone I know well).

Me: Well...I was on my Fbook and saw a message from someone I didn't know, and almost didn't bother looking at it.

Him: Aaaand...........who was it?

Me: Oh honey..are you sitting down? (he said JUST SAY IT again)

Me: It was from your birth father.

Him: Oh. God, I thought it was something bad, like they found out your skin cancer, mole thingy, was the worst kind or something. I really don't think that is big news mom. I reeaallly don't care.

I went on to tell him that he seems like he is an okay guy and that he did go into the military like he had wanted...blah blah blah. His only reaction was who cares. He was worried about his momma. Can I even begin to tell you how much I love this kid? There are no words.

Now, I do predict that in the upcoming days he will call and ask me the B-fathers name at least so he can scope him out. Oh, yeah, he didn't even ask his name. Can you believe it??

The only reason I went ahead and told him while he was with girl/friend, is that I know her and she is wonderful. If he had to be with anyone when he hears anything the least bit upsetting, it would be her. She is very grounded and he is really comfortable with her.

As for me, I am still reeling. Technology is great. I predict someday it will kill me.

Late night tv

I am too old to stay up half the night any more, and then get up and be working by 6.

Hell, who am I kidding, it was even hard when I was 20.

So, because of all the hoopla this week over the Conan vs Jay, I felt it was my obligation as a citizen to at least record the last Conan broadcast from N.B.C.

I am old enough to remember J. Carson. The original Tonight Show host. I remember hearing my mom chuckle from the other room when I was supposed to be sleeping and on occasion even caught the show as I got older. Those were the days when the guests could quite possibly show up three sheets to the wind, and everyone smoked. Everyone.

So, this morning, I watched the last Conan broadcast. To be honest, I don't remember watching the show before (so I guess I am partially responsible for him being unemployed since it had to do with ratings. Sorry Conan...bring the wife and kids over for some meatloaf and mashed potatoes with a side of corn. You can even smush the corn into the potatoes for a new taste sensation.)

This guy..Conan...he is a class act. I know he will land on his feet, I just hope the hundreds of staff personnel do too. Again Conan, I am sorry I didn't support you every night. A girl has to get up early and work, ya know? See you around 6 tonight for dinner. <> So a very unofficial poll ...who do you prefer, Jay or Conan?

3 AM=me screaming COME AGAIN!!

Get your filthy minds out of the gutter.

This post has nothing to do with sex, though I did say "come again??" once our conversation started.

But, I need to back up and start about 3 hours earlier.

It all started because S3 grew. He is 1/8 inch from being 6 feet tall and is still sleeping on the twin bed that he got from his brother, when his brother grew to a bigger bed.

I was talking to my sister-in-law (the nice one, not the bitch), and told her that S3 didn't fit in his bed anymore and was waking up in the morning with achy legs and back because he couldn't even put his feet over the bottom of the bed because of the foot board on his hand-me-down bed.

She offered a double sized bed that our dear old auntie bought about a year before she died. She told me that since it was only a year old, it still had plenty of life in it and I ran it past S3 and he said sure.

Yesterday we took a sledgehammer to the old bed. Believe me, nobody would have wanted it. It had been a bunk bed, and the top bunk disappeared to the magic wood pile years ago, so this was literally 1/2 of a bed. It was very well used by 3 boys growing up, so it was time to say goodbye.

S3 had a blast smashing it to bits for our fire-pit.....now we just had to wait for the new bed to show up.

It arrived a couple of hours later and when we unwrapped it we just stood there and stared. It had a big 'ol stain. I am talking HUGE. Like bladder the size of a football huge...stain of old lady pee.

My SIL forgot that it was there and felt awful but by then, the old twin mattress he had been sleeping on had been hauled off to the dump, about 1/2 hour earlier. Timing. It really is everything ya know?

So, when the helpers left it was just S3 and I here. When I told him I would cover the mattress in an impenetrable plastic cover then a mattress pad, then the bed linens. He just looked at me and quietly said "Mom, I won't sleep on it..it's disgusting". It wasn't so much what he said, as how he said it. Sad. So sad. He is an amazing kid, great student, has huge dreams of saving the world, and he just didn't want to sleep on a bed that was stained by old lady pee. He doesn't know that she DIED in that bed last summer. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EITHER or I never would have agreed to take it. (I found out when my SIL called late last night to ask if S3 liked the bed--I tactfully avoided telling her that he refused to even go near it).

So, he and I talked and as my heart was breaking for him I made a decision.

I had been saving to get myself an fancy ass camera. I had the cash. I took the boy to the store last night and bought him a new mattress. One of his very own. Not one that has been handed down by his brothers. It dawned on me during our conversation that all of his clothes....all of his toys....all of his almost everything has been handed down. This kid has never complained once. NEVER.

On the way to the mattress store, over and over he said he would just sleep on the floor, that he didn't want me to spend my camera money etc etc. I told him that I was doing something that I wanted to do, not that I felt I had to do. This would make me happier than a camera, (okay, so truth be told, that is a teeny weensy lie, I would have more pleasure from a new camera..there I said it) and I could start saving again...I did it once, I could do it again.

Even walking into the store he was saying "mom, really, you don't have to do this, I can sleep anywhere, you know that". THEN he laid on the classic series.....and smiled. It will be delivered tomorrow and he and I are both excited.

So, when BigD got home from his meeting I told him what I had done. Can I tell you that even after 29 years this guy can still surprise me?? Not only was he NOT pissed (this kind of thing has a tendency to make him a bit cranky) he was glad. He too realized that S3 got the short stick often, mostly because he is too kind to speak up. **note to self.....remind S3 a couple times a week,what an amazing kid he is **

Then BigD said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. Uh-oh.

He told me, he thought it was time that we did a little updating at the old OHN homestead. We built the house 20 years ago and it is starting to look a little dated (OK, it actually started to look dated about 10 years ago, but with 3 kids, the only updating going on was the contents of the ever vanishing insides of the fridge).

He actually said lets do it.

I don't know who the person is that morphed into BigD's body, but this guy can stay. He is wayyy more mellow. :)

Can I tell you that I am so excited I don't even know where to start? I was up till 4 this morning redesigning my kitchen. In my head my countertops are all granite, my ugly light fixtures are replaced by my dream fixture, with my awesome cookware hanging off the sides, the cook top island is extended to where the table and chairs are now and the table and chairs are banished to the basement. At the end of the island is where we will eat our bread and water (all I will be able to afford once we start, as we are doing this on a cash basis...no debt, thank you very much) on lovely tall stools, and the sliding glass door to the deck that is now "locked" with a wooden dowel, will be replaced by french doors, now that there won't be a table in the way any longer. Mind you, BigD is totally unaware of my slightly vigorous plan, but damn...somehow this is going to happen.

I love my walls so they are staying just the way they are. I had a decorator come in about 4 years ago and do a Tuscan brick and cracked wall theme and it is gorgeous so no changes needed there. (Yes, I will take photos as this idea progresses).

For those of you that just read about my bathroom remodel....the part where I said I would NEVER do this again...well, much like childbirth, some memories fade, and we then repeat the offending act. I guess that is what makes the world spin on its axis.