Saturday, February 20, 2010

So much to say

but I don't know where to start. Topics to consider: 1) My sudden communication with S1's birth father. 2) My medical updates. 3) My kitchen redo update (also called, BigD is still alive, but I may have to kill him yet). 4) Reverse discrimination. 1) When we last met, I had just told you about S1's birth father sending me a message on F.acebook, or as I call it suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book.

In a 24 hour period, he and I traded 18 messages. They got longer and longer and more informational. I have to tell you...he is a great guy. So often, people (me included) think of birth fathers as mere s.perm donors. Wham, bam, oops and I'm outta here. They are rarely portrayed or thought of as people whose lives change with the adoption. They sign a paper and are never heard from again.

This is most definitely NOT the case with this birth father. He was so traumatized by the pregnancy and subsequent adoption that he decided that he didn't want children. He married, not to S1's birth mother, then divorced. At the end of his marriage, his wife told him she was pregnant. He was terrified and really didn't want to become a father. He didn't want to open up his heart like that again. They still divorced, but he is now the father of a wonderful 6 year old that he adores.

He said he has thought about S1 almost every day for the last 21 years. He has hoped that he was in a loving home and was thrilled to hear all that I told him. He told me that for the first time, he felt immense relief, and that I had given him the peace he had needed all these years.

I talked to S1 (in brief bursts) about this whole scenario. He really doesn't want to be in contact with either the birth father or birth mother right now. He knows they are merely a click away, when and if he is ready.

What I will tell you, is that I am stunned at how many things S1 has in common with his birth father. It is almost scary, yet intriguing at the same time.

So, now after 21 years of not giving this guy much credit.....he is now one of my suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book friends. Bizarre, to say the least.

2) My medical dramas.....all the medical crap that I ended 2009 and began 2010 with....the heart is normal. Completely normal. In fact fabulous. I will live to be 100.

Then the cancer thingy. While it was removed, a friend managed to completely freak me out with some g.oogle research and now I am following up with an OBGYN cancer guy just to be sure. It will most likely be a colossal waste of time, but I also don't want to every say "why didn't I?"

3) That brings us to the kitchen redo. So far I have bitten my tongue so many times it resembles ground beef. BigD isn't one to rush into decisions on the homefront. In the meantime, I have picked the granite, the sink, the light fixures have been researched and narrowed down, the length of the island extension that will become our new eating area etc etc. BigD? He is okay with the granite choice. I can't even address the other things because he simply cannot absorb this type of data. Give him some bloody fingerprints and an errant hair, and he is all over it like stink on shit. I KNOW that he will, at some point, decide that all of these choices were originally his, and it will be full steam ahead. The waiting...ugh. Lets just say, I would like this project done already. Waiting two or three more weeks just to come to the same conclusion is torture for me.

4) That brings us to #4. Reverse discrimination. I don't know if it is a real term, but if not, I declare it here. I have never mentioned much about my home here, because I don't want people forming opinions about me because of where I live or how I live here. Lets just say, that the area where I live is nice. Very nice. Many years ago we had the opportunity to either invest in stocks or real estate. We chose real estate. (good thing too, cause in case you haven't heard lots of people got really screwed in the market). We figured real estate is typically going to hold or increase its value. (at least until recently....those of you that have been hit by the housing heart goes out to you. Seriously.)

In the last 20 years, the value of our home has increased significantly. Our neighborhood is small and desirable. This brings me to the reverse discrimination part. Many times I am expected to not take advantage of a good deal when it comes along. People assume that because of where I live, I can afford to pay full price or at the very least, not get the discount that is offered someone across town. This is just plain wrong.

We work very hard to keep up our home, and don't waste money. You have read here that I am the queen of cheap. Not chintzy cheap, but get a good deal cheap. Why should I not be given the same consideration that everyone else gets? People also give me the 'how can you live THERE" look and attitude when they know what BigD and I do for jobs. They make assumptions that there must be something untoward going on. No, assholes, we made a great investment, and work hard to enjoy it.

So, if you want me to spend money on your service, give me the same quote for the same job that you give everyone else. Believe me, I know what the going rate is, and if you don't offer it, you will lose my business and I will move on to the next provider of the same service you offer....and I will tell my friends you are a jerk.

So, that gets us caught up for now. Do you have readers cramp yet? Thought so.


Tina said...

Wow, you've left me speechless. You're that good.

Ina in Alaska said...

Wow great news about your health and I am glad you are following up on the "what if" !!! Don't sweat the kitchen, it will come together at some point. At least you are prepared. It is exciting that you and the birth dad are in communication!! The puzzle pieces are coming together. xoxo

edenland said...

Heh. Awesome post. Dave and I live in a big fat enormouse house, people assume we are filthy rich but we're not, he's a builder so of course he went to town on his own house. I look for cheap deals all the time, I can buy ten things to my sisters one.

Good on you for the follow-up on your cancer thingy, totally right thing to do.

And good luck for your kitchen. Patience thy name is OHN.


preppyplayer said...

I'll start from the bottom-
I so feel your pain on every aspect of the kitchen redo, I want it done... Yesterday.
As for your health? Better safe than sorry, leave no stone unturned! ( how's that for sayings?)
the birth father sounds like the answer to your prayers! I think that S1 will come around and come to appreciate how wanted and loved he is by ALL the adults in his life. I am so happy for you that you were able to connect and clear up the mystery of the "sire" of your son. THAT is the first time I have used sire in a sentense, it seemed to fit!
Thanks for bringing us up to speed.

Gaston Studio said...

Unbelievable that you and birth father have connected favorably, whether on fbook or not. I agree, good decision on the health front. You have tremendous patience with your hubs and kitchen redo, God love you.
And on the reverse discrimination thing, I totally agree!

Guzzo said...

People assume that because of where I live, I can afford to pay full price or at the very least, not get the discount that is offered someone across town. This is just plain wrong.

People are funny that way. Consider yourself lucky that you found out how they work "before" you hired them for their services.

Neverbeen2NYC said...

It is always nice to get a good deal on something. I have heard stories about contractors, painters, etc. overcharging people because they live in a nice part of town.

Anonymous said...

I'm both glad and relieved to hear about your health. It's true, isn't it, that you don't have anything unless you have your health.

Good luck with the husband - I mean, the kitchen. Remember - ICY silence, that's the key.

The birth dad communication must be a little overwhelming for your son, eh? You're a good mum, you just carry the relationship til he's ready. Mmmm, I guess I will have that experience sooner or later....

Dr. Deb said...

Wow, so much going on.

BTW, I LOL at reader's cramp.

The Hopkins Fam said...

You're cracking me up. Love the "he'll realize it was his idea" bit. Wish I had learned that concept earlier on... when hubby thinks things were his idea, it's smooth sailing...

That's amazing about the birth father. Couldn't really ask for more!

On the health front, I don't know where the happy medium is between panic and not caring, but I guess better-safe-than-sorry usually wins out!

Lorna said...

Okay every time I visit your blog, your dog and kitty photos crack me up. And the line: suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book friends. That's so true! Glad your health is on track, and so glad your new friendship with S1's birth father is developing. Kudos for your openness and courage.

buffalodick said...

We did our kitchen a few years back- 6 months of disruption!