Thursday, July 08, 2010

BEACH BITCHING

When to quit wearing a bikini?

When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece

When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece

When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece

When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece

When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece

When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.

Beach etiquette.

When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.

I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.

I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.

Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)

8 comments:

Tina said...

I love you so much. I want to come and visit. :)

Ina in Alaska said...

And another thing. Turn your damn music down! Or better yet, OFF!!

Yo-yo Mama said...

Oh, how I wish I was sitting right there with you with a cold drink in my hand. Which is easier to reach in for ice cubes to throw at the creepy dude with the summer sweater, which ewwwww!

Actually a good time to wear a bikini is whenever you're standing next to any of the examples you gave. Imagine how HAWT you'd look in comparison!

The Hopkins Fam said...

I wanna be sitting on the beach, bitching about the fat dude and appropriate bikini etiquette!! Dang you have the life!

Athena said...

I love this! And agree with every bit of it.

When do we get our vacation from chores?

Rebecca said...

Amen! I'm with Tina. I am so coming to visit! :-)

TeamWinks

Miss Kitty said...

Yes, yes, YES. Do these folks get dressed in the dark? Do they not have anyone at home who will be forthright with them about how awful they look in an outfit?

[deep sigh]

Dr. Deb said...

LOL!