When to quit wearing a bikini?
When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece
When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece
When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece
When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece
When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece
When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.
When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.
I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.
I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.
Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)