BRAIN SPINNING DAY

Why is it that so many times in life, multiple things happen in one day? I can sail along with absolutely nothing for weeks then in a matter of hours have several things change the course of my week, or life. We have been waiting and waiting to get the report on BigD's most recent biopsy and culture. I haven't gone into detail here the moronic staff that populates Dr from another land's office. I think I mentioned the pierced lovely that hovers the front desk and makes a lasting impression. She is only one of 4 lovelies that I have had the misfortune to deal with. Am I wrong that in a professional setting that staff should act, well, professional?? That means no open mouth gum chawing, bubble snapping, bra strap arranging, loud talking bimbos. Part of the problem is that most doctors aren't willing to pay more than minimum wage and as the saying goes, you get what you pay for. So, I called two days ago to get this report. OBVIOUSLY we are worried. This whole mess started 8 weeks ago and we are still twirling in our seats waiting for an answer. Dr from another land does not have a phone option to actually speak to any one of the bimbettes. You can push 1 to get the automated refill line, 2 to leave a message for an appointment and 3 to leave a message for a return call. I chose 3, left a detailed message about who I was, what specific reports I wanted to have, the date of the procedure, the fact that BigD is still coughing like a sick rhino and requested that we get a call back with what the good doc found out along with what the next step should be depending on the results. Today I get a call from the bimbette that thinks she is very very important. She tries so hard to impress me with using her "big girl words" except they are usually out of context and grammatically horrid. I am certainly not the language police but if you really don't know the meaning of the words you are using and when to use them.....don't use them. (Remember I left a DETAILED message regarding the information we were hoping to receive when they called back so she knew the WHOLE story before she called) When I thanked her for finally calling back, she said the following: HER: "Ok, so you want to know about the results?" ME: "Yes, we are obviously concerned" HER: "It was negative" ME: "Which was negative? Both the biopsy and the culture?" HER: "I don't know" ME: "What don't you know?" HER: "I don't know what he did" ME: "Isn't it in the chart?"that you should have right in front of you, you stupid bitch? "I spoke with him when he came out of the OR and he told me he did a biopsy and a scraping for culture" HER: "Oh" ME: "Would it be possible for you to ask him which was negative, or if both were?" HER: "I guess" ME: "And while you are at it, could you ask him what is next since there is still a big mass in my husbands lung?" trying to sound pleasant when I wanted to scream HER: "Ok. But I am leaving soon" ME: "I will be available all day tomorrow" HER: "Whats your number?" ME: "XXX-XXX-XXXX" the same one you just called dingdong HER: "Yah, ok, have a good one" ME: too stunned to even talk at this point so I walked to the kitchen to bang my head against the oven door. THEN ten minutes after that conversation I got a call offering me a job. On a lark yesterday I went on Mo.nster and filled out an application in my field, put together a resume in LITERALLY 10 minutes, uploaded it and today had a 45 minute phone interview/test/ assessment and bam....they offered me the position. I am torn because I really like the office I am working in but the pay is measly and I really miss working from home. This new position is home based and it is also product pay so if I bust my cute little butt, I can make much more (I think) than I am making at Dr. doesn't wash his hands (as mentioned in prior post about his potty habits). Tomorrow I am going to hand in my resignation and hope that I don't regret it. I have already changed my mind 10 times. I know that once I resign, I can't take it back so I am going over and over it in my head. The new job will keep me chained to my desk for a 5 hour shot and I have to work on Saturdays but then again I will be home and I love being home. THEN...I am having an issue with S3, nothing huge, but concerning. Long story short, I think he is being made fun of and used in a capacity at school that is bothering me. I will figure it out and I am too tired to type it all out but it is just one more thing that is making my brain spin today. So, how about a show of hands...thumbs up or down on the job change? I don't do change well and always worry if I am making the right decision. On the outside I look like I have it 'all goin on' but really I am an indecisive blob of jello.

Twenty years ago...

....you gave birth to a baby boy. Nobody knew at that time what life would bring over the years but you made a decision that would change your life, your sons life and my life. You were wise enough to know that you were not financially or emotionally ready to parent this baby boy and you made the decision to let two strangers raise and nurture your son. You were 16 and had the option of terminating the pregnancy yet in your wisdom (well beyond your years) you knew that this little life had a purpose and you set aside the whispers from your church family, the taunts of classmates and the suggestions from well meaning people and decided to give birth then courageously give your child to a couple that were longing to be parents. I am still amazed that you chose us. We were many years older than the other 4 couples you were also considering and we were almost certain that you would exclude us for that reason along with a few more. After all, when you are 16, a couple that is in their 30's must seem ancient. Through your wisdom beyond your years you decided that our age was an advantage. You felt it meant we were stronger in our marriage and we had overcome many obstacles by that time. You chose us to be your sons parents. How can we possibly begin to express to you what our son means to us. We love him even more than any written word can describe. Thank you is such a feeble phrase at this point. You changed my life. You made me a mom. The one thing that I had dreamt about from the time I was old enough to ....... well, I don't remember a time EVER that I didn't want to be a mom. Your courage and wisdom at such a young age changed so many lives and continues to do so. Our son is a wonderful man now. I know you are thinking about him today, on his birthday, and I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. I hope your life has become the wonderful life that you deserve. As feeble as it sounds....thank you.

Hello?? Where is everyone??

Twice this past week I have driven past our county board of elections and the lines have literally wrapped around the building. Twice I wanted to hop into line and probably wait 1-1 1/2 hours to cast my vote. Twice this week I have had to be other places too soon to wait in line. Today I didn't have to work in my "other" job that takes me out of my comfy sweats and puts me in ridiculous shoes that only someone who never wears them must have designed. So I thought that maybe this morning after a parent teacher conference, but before BigD's bronchoscopy I could shoot over to the poll. Well the conference lasted a freaking 45 minutes with a combination of 4 teachers all telling me how delightful my 14 year old son is, and of course I took all the credit for his good qualities and blamed his wicked, sarcastic humor on his father. ANYWAY~because it took so long there was no way I would have time to wait in line to vote and still take BigD to the hospital for the lung rotorooter. He had the bronchoscopy, woke up, bitched about how hungry he was, they gave him a muffin and juice (they told him they had to make sure he could swallow while he was still in the hospital so he wouldn't crumble at our kitchen table and ruin dinner) and we were out of there. He felt well enough to go vote with me, (where my vote canceled his) and lo and behold, who should show up at our little polling place but S1 and S2 both having driven 45 min. home to vote (so that would be 3 votes negating 1 vote;) then somehow I was conned into spending 1/2 of my paycheck from "other" office feeding everyone at a local restaurant. (Actually it was the second one we went to. BigD had heard about a new place in town that was good and supposedly reasonable but when they seated us and I saw that the least expensive thing on the menu was a $12 appetizer, I loaded up my STARVING TEENAGE BOY brood and went down the road to a more moderately priced place and still managed to spend $75 to make a dent in their appetites). Anyway, my whole point to this post was voting. Remember the 1 1/2 hour wait that I passed twice this week?? When we got to the polling place there was NOT ONE PERSON waiting in line. We literally walked in, showed our ID's walked over to the electronic machines and were out of there. I asked the workers what the day had been like (this was about 5 o'clock) and they said this morning there were about 20 people waiting at one point but that most of the day, people had trickled in. I guess all the people that voted earlier, well, voted earlier. I am soooo glad I didn't wait in line earlier this week! So, here I sit refreshing my computer over and over to see what the results are looking like. Either way, no matter who you all voted for, my hope is that our incoming president can bring our wonderful nation back to what it should be. I don't worry as much for myself but for my kids and their kids. We need a little work, but it can be done. p.s.--in about a week we will have the results of the newest biopsy and the doctor from another land also did some scrapings to be sent for culturing....I think I like the way this guy thinks :)

A teeny update

We saw the doctor from another land (LG=lung guy) on Thursday, not uber super doc in Pittsburgh but our local pulmonologist. We needed to start back at the beginning because the non-information we were getting was confusing and depressing.

He kicked back and spent over 45 minutes with us (though it might have had more to do with the fact that we were his last patients for the morning rather than loving us unconditionally) and he zipped out his computer and showed us the scans, slice by slice. We were able to see the plaques, the mass, the needle aspiration attempt (nobody is convinced that the radiologist was dead on with his target even though when we asked him he said his average is 'around 100%'). LG told us that since the first biopsy was negdeeb and the PET was negdeeb at this point he would be inclined to wait 3 months, rinse and repeat.

By the end of the visit though, after really listening to what we were saying he did think that BigD should maybe have a bronchosopy after all ~~~~~~YES, this is what I wanted 3 weeks ago. In my opinion if you can actually see the lung booger with your own eyes, it is much better than relying on a CT--but then again I have always been a hands on learner....tell me, read to me, explain to me, it all works.... but not as well as when I can hold, see, or do what ever it is I am supposed to learning.

So Tuesday he is going to go in, scope away and try to get another few specimens for the path lab. The lung booger is in a location that may be hard to reach with the scope but he is going to try. OH, he also said that in his opinion he doesn't think the diaphragm is involved, he believes the booger is contained in the lower lobe of the lung that just happens to be butted up against the diaphragm.

The one thing that this whole mess has done though is make S1 and S2 come down off their newly independent high horses and realize that family is indeed important. Neither one has actually come out and said they are worried but the fact that they keep popping home for a night or two here and there, surely tells me something. I am positive it is not my fantastic cooking that draws them home and sometimes they dont even bring dirty laundry!!

I has to be concern for their dad. This morning, as I sit here in my office I have S1 upstairs in his bed (which is right above my office and sometimes the floor creaks and it is a wonderful sound:), S2 is on the big chair in the family room, and he brought a friend who is on the couch. In no time at all I will be in the kitchen slaving over pancakes, eggs, sausage, bagels etc etc and you know what...I will actually be loving it. I am always at my cheeriest when I have all my guys here. It fills my heart. I know that before long they will have their own families and I will be placed a little further away in their priorities so I am loving all this while I can.

On a closing note---last night was halloween. I bought 60 bags of doritos to pass out (I have always given out fab candy but anything we have left, I eat, so I decided to go the non chocolate route this year). So this morning, I have 48 bags left. Yep, we only had 12 goblins come to the house. When S2 was wondering why, it dawned on him that the neighborhood has undergone a natural evolution. Most of us here are my age and the old trick or treaters are his age and are off at school. We have a few new "young" families starting to move in but not many.

I had a bit of an argument with S3 about going out last night. He just turned 14 and I personally think that is too old (its never too old if you are going to an organized party but to ring doorbells, when you can get a job and buy your own damn candy....its too old). Because I am woman, hear me roar, I won the battle and he switched to scare mode. He decided to hide in the bushes and scare the little goblins that came.....so I ask you, if you turned around to leave and saw this child, would you be frightened???

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Early Christmas shopping

Hey....since Halloween is tomorrow you may as well start Christmas shopping. I went to buy the little spooks their treats for tomorrow night and the store was loaded with freaking wreaths, bows, wrapping paper and all the crap that goes along with the commercialization of Christmas. SO, I am offering you one hell of a deal.

A friend of mine gave me 24 (a case) of these mini purse/cell phone holders that she had left from a fundraiser event. They were given as door prizes and they had less people than expected. She didn't want to be bothered with selling them and since they were donated, the company didn't want them back.

If you are looking for a very soft leather cell phone case, black with white stitching and a silver buckle (the photos are just so-so ) let me know. I am selling them for her for $3.50 a pop with $1.50 for shipping. I have my phone in one (I have an Instinct) and it is great. The strap has a snap on the one side so you can loop it through a purse handle etc then re-snap it. (She said they retail at about $20 a piece). The measurement is approx. 6"by 2 1/2" by 1".

If you don't have a cell phone, this would also be a great gift for a little girl or a woman that just wants a little bag for lipstick and a license. Maybe even a teacher gift (by the way teachers are sick of anything with an apple theme). This would also be a great stocking stuffer for someone who has everything else.

If you want the whole load you can have all 24 for $80.00 and FREE SHIPPING :)

C'mon, you KNOW you want one :) Send me an email at onlyhalfnuts@gmail.com and I will give you the paypal link and get yours off to you and help you check one gift off your list.

I'm Here....on the roof

Contemplating jumping but with the way things have been going I would survive but need every imaginable, non insurance covered test ever known to man. And it would hurt. We saw uber super doc last week and really came away with more questions than answers. He was a very academic type, really no personality to speak of, you could actually see his little wheels turning in his head, he never really answered a question but drifted off to other things that created more questions. When we left there for our 2 1/2 hour drive home BigD and I were so numb and confused along with disappointed that we barely spoke. It has taken me a few days of thinking to decide if I want to go back there. This physician is EXTREMELY well regarded in the medical world, it was a minor coup to be led into his kingdom after only waiting 2 weeks, (one of which he was circling the globe spreading his knowledge with lesser doctor beings). He has an air of superiority that I could have done without, he never sat for a second rather choosing to dominate his space lording over us mortals, while wearing a rather dapper $1000+ suit, probably hand made on his last trip, and gave off the definite vibe that we were lucky to be there. Maybe we were, but maybe we weren't. He spared no time in telling us that for the most part he felt that the CT, CT guided lung biopsy, and subsequent PET scan were all done in facilities that don't have the state of the art equipment that they have at his university. Ok, they probably are not the latest and greatest but they serve many many people and I would imagine meet whatever state requirement they need to meet. He went on to tell us that while the pathology report was negative for cancer, and the PET didn't light up like a Christmas tree, that it is still possible that BigD has the BigC. He wants to repeat the PET in HIS department to see if it differs from the PET done here at home. He is thinking that if this should show a change in mass size, (ie:smaller than original then it could be infection, or a couple of other things instead of a 4 cm solid mass) MY thinking is that two different machines with two different radiologists would quite possibly come up with different opinions and we still wouldn't know for sure if it was changing in size. He actually seemed upset that he was (as he put it) "perplexed that none of these indicators seemed to represent a definite cancer" as his thinking is that is still might be. He said he had no idea if the mass was related to the asbestos plaques that are scattered about BigD's lungs but that if in fact the mass didn't decrease in size, the mass needed to come out. He said NO physician would ever leave a 4 cm mass inside someones lung. As a side note this mass is also pressing on or possibly attached to BigD's diaphragm (I had one of those once, I kept it in the nightstand.) So I have no idea if we are talking about two different surgeries or one, or what the ramifications of this are since he was too distracted to answer my question. He also said this HAD to be done within 2 weeks because waiting any longer was not an option. The original PET was in the neighborhood of $6000 and insurance will not cover a second one..and only partly covered the first,,I still can't get an answer from uber super doc about why they can't just peek in there (they have scopes for this type of thing doc..)and see what they are dealing with. I understand that docs are comfortable with their own cronies interpretation of results and all of that, I really do understand as I am one of those people that would rather do something myself to be sure it is done right but at $6000 a pop is it really necessary? So, people talk me down from the roof. I really want your opinions. If any of you are doctor type people, feel free to leave a comment...no medical advice because I know that is not allowed, I know, but feel free to even leave it anonymously. As of right now, my thought is to find another uber super doc, closer to home (we are located closer to Cleveland than Pittsburgh) and start all over again. Crap. (as if this wasn't enough, S1 called this morning and told me that he has been keeping from me the fact that he has been hearing voices and becoming more depressed again and wants to restart his medications that he was weaned from a couple of mos ago. I love this kid more than life itself and it breaks my heart that he has to suffer AT ALL and then not want to burden me with it. He actually said "don't get all mom like and worry, I am fine, but it would be better if I straightened this out". Will this kid ever have any idea how much I love him?!) On second thought I might sit up on this roof for awhile....at least till the wind and DAMN cold rain/snow mix makes me crazier!

silliness

We got back from Pittsburgh about 2 hours ago and I was going to post all about it but it is going to wait till tomorrow...now I need a little breather of silliness. Deathstar is forcing me to think tonight so here goes: 1. Where is your cell phone? On my desk 2. Where is your significant other? Asleep on the oversized chair "watching" tv 3. Your hair color? Currently auburn 4. Your mother? Died when I was 33 5. Your father? Died on my 27th birthday-I barely knew him 6. Your favorite thing? Reading blogs 7. Your dream last night? I was in a garden area that was surrounded by a large home and I was frightened or at least uneasy about being there. 8. Your dream/goal? To be out of debt and pay for my kids entire college education so they can start out in life without debt.. 9. The room you’re in? My office 10. Your hobby? Reading, some tv, knitting 11. Your fear? Dying before I am ready and I don't think I will ever be ready. 12. Where do you want to be in six years? S3 will be in college by then so maybe have the house sold and live in a place near water 13. Where were you last night? Getting my nails done-french and it only cost 10 bucks! 14. What you’re not? At ease with our financial situation, I worry all the time. 15. One of your wish list items? An apple laptop (which I won't have because of #14) 16. Where you grew up? New York and Pennsylvania 17. The last thing you did? Ate lasagna that my kind SIL sent over because she knew I would be too tired to cook tonight 18. What are you wearing? Sweat pants, tshirt, zip hoodie and fuzzy sox. (yeah, the hot chick look;) 19. Your T.V.? always on for the dogs when I am at work-go ahead laugh at me, I don't care. 20. Your pet? Two dogs and one cat, all male. 21. Your computer? My lifeline! 22. Your mood? Confused about our visit to Pittsburgh doc that I will post about tomorrow..tonight I need to do something frivolous like a list all about ME :) 23. Missing someone? Always missing my mom. We grew to be very good friends once I realized how wonderful she was when I was about 23. 24. Your car? Small suv-I thought about selling it and getting small car but I really don't drive that far so it wouldn't make sense to change at this point. 25. Something you’re not wearing? any underwear--woohoo 26. Favorite store? Ebay or etsy 27. Your Summer? Over and it makes me sad. 28. Love someone? Yes, all my guys 4 human and 3 animal. 29. Your favorite color? Blue, peach or pink (none of which are in my house strangely enough) 30. Last time you laughed? a really good laugh a couple of weeks ago... the kind where you laugh so hard you cry. 31. Last time you cried? The day that the doc called and told me that BigD had a mass in his lung. Ok..I know most people don't like being tagged so I won't specify who I want to do it. Actually I would like all of you to because it is fun reading tidbits about people we don't really know and deciding if we would like to know them :) TAG you're it.

slow night??

then click on over to this blog and read some sassy writing from a very bright woman in her "senior" years....I want to be like her when I grow up. http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/ No news on the medical front...Tuesday is the PET scan, Thursday is the thoracic specialist. As each day goes by we have more questions than answers. I am planning on not worrying this weekend. I am reading a good book, have about 4 hours of actual work to do, a disgusting laundry room to gut, and would rather do all of those things than sit and worry about the "what if's". Oh, and I might shoot Helen off an email....I think we could be friends :)

Debating

Last night BigD and I argued after the debate. We are both pretty convinced that each others candidate would be a rotten choice. We are coming at it from different angles. I am VERY concerned about health care especially in light of BigD's new found lung cooties. If he has disease X,Y,Z and for some reason would have to retire (he needs to be able to wrestle with scumbags and it is kinda hard to do when you can't breathe worth a shit) we are screwed when it comes to health care. He will have that ominous "pre-existing condition" that no insurance company will touch. So my candidate HAS to have the balls to really effect a change in this country. He needs to be smooth, intelligent, CALM (no finger on the nuke button), and not have a "hey ya'll" winky running mate. Oh and before you worry that BigD and I went to bed mad, he ended the conversation with "hey, you can't argue with me, I might have cancer". SO, I guess from now on he will have to be right about everything :) at least in his little mind.

Negdeeb

That is what the biopsy was according to the LG that I talked to an hour ago. But, before you jump up and down, he followed that up with "I'm nut shur eef de neele spiriation was well pleeced" so we need to follow up with a PET scan. Apparently cancer lights up if given sugar (shit, I do that too) so that is the next step. And yes, the LG is from another country, and yes, that IS what he said. Translated into English I believe he said~~ "I am not sure if the needle aspiration was well placed"......so BigD will have the PET and then follow up with the surgeon and maybe get whatever it is chopped out. I am supposed to be very relieved, why aren't I? I spent the whole weekend reassuring BigD that all was fine, that we would conquer whatever came down the pike, blah, blah, blah and believe me I was VERY convincing. He said talking to me made him feel so much better yet most of the time I felt like I was lying through my teeth. My mind kept drifting to thoughts of the boys. I don't want them to be without a father. Even though they come to me with most of their personal questions/advice seeking etc, they know that BigD is there if they need him and I don't want that to change. So we got "good" news but not the whole story so on we go. Thank you all so much for all your wonderfully kind words. It sounds nuts but it really made me feel less alone. I had to finally break down and tell BigD that I had a blog. He had absolutely no idea what that was. I told him it was like when his mother had a pen pal, except I have more than one and they live all over the world. When I told him how many wonderful well wishes had come our way, he didn't really get it and doesn't understand how I can call some of you friends when we haven't physically met. I tried to tell him we don't have to sit down and drink beer together to bond....he got it, sort of. Feelings are hard to explain sometimes and sometimes they are better left as feelings rather than put into words. Thanks.

Bargaining

Ok, today I started bargaining with God. I don't usually do this. I was raised a Catholic and now refer to myself as being in recovery. To be completely honest when I hear people talk about their unwavering faith I either think how wonderful it is, or I think they are a kook. I understand that faith is just that...faith. You can't see it, touch it, smell it, taste it, but for many people it is as real as any of those things you can actually sense. I wish I had that. BigD does, his parents were very faithful. My family, well we are a bunch of degenerates. At least I don't usually tell God (and yes, we are on speaking terms, I thank him daily for my wonderful family and minimal problems compared to most people), I don't tell him that "ok, if you do this for me, I will promise to be nicer to people, etc". I am already too nice to a lot of people. I don't barter with higher powers, but if today for example, He would like to whip up one of his amazing miracles, that would be just super duper with me. We will probably get the path report back today. Yesterdays biopsy went well. The radiologist was hot so that helped (well it helped me, not so sure it helped BigD) and was very precise in his needle aspiration (he claimed he was 100% sure he was at the proper site) and was very comforting after. He was honest in telling us that most growths like this are typically cancer but that doesn't mean it can't be treated. Unless of course it is mesothelioma which is not treatable...i am whispering because i don't want to say it out loud... Even through all the weirdness of these events, there was a bright spot in the day. His name is Jimmy and he just had a stroke. He was BigD's roomie for the day. Jimmy was mostly aphasic (which means he was unable to talk) but the one thing he managed to blurt out repeatedly and LOUDLY was "goddamn nut". The fact that some of his timing was right during a conversation that we were having, brought us to near hysterical laughter. At one point the nurse came in to check a BP and she scolded BigD for laughing so hard after just having had his lung pierced by a large hollow needle. The one that really brought us down was when a commercial for Ob.ama came on and Jimmy loudly called out "goddamn nut" and BigD whispered through the curtain, "I think so too". Since I am voting for O.bama I wanted to hit both of them but I restrained myself. Thankfully Jimmy brought some laughter into an otherwise dismal day. Now, about that miracle...........

Gimme a sign

Tom the tumor is having a hollow needle rammed into his head on Thursday 10-9 at 9 am. Ironically that day would be my mothers 90th birthday if she were alive. She looooovvvved BigD. She thought he was funny and naughty. My mom liked naughty and loved a good filthy joke at the same time she was pretending to be horrified. Sign? Also yesterday BigD got some crackers out of the vending machine at work. They were tasty so he went back for another package and blinked twice..the number was B9. Sign? Are the moon and the sign in the right spots? Sign? I am grasping at straws here folks. I spent the morning on the phone doing other peoples jobs. Scheduling things that should have been scheduled last week, arranging for the CT to be burned onto a CD, faxing reports etc. I got a referral to a "famous" thoracic surgeon in the next state and even talked to the insurance people and got the go ahead to see him. This appointment was in no small part due to the fact that my BIL is a VIP with VVIP friends. I can't give details because those of you that are up on your worldwide companies may be able to figure out who, what, when, where etc and I am not up to going public. For most people though, you would never have heard of BIL so it really doesn't matter so don't even bother trying to figure it out, he is a VIP but not THAT VIP. So, if you are just hanging out, cleaning your belly button lint on Thursday morning, give a nod to whoever you nod to and wish for BigD a simple Tom rather than a complex Tom.

Update on Tom

When I got to work this morning I called the LG (lung guy, remember?) and told them to dial me at extension 1234 today as I was in the medical center next door, to tell me what time the biopsy would be scheduled. I figured if they called home and I wasn't here to get the call we could possibly miss the appointment. The front desk girl, the one with the nose and eyebrow piercings said "oh, ok" and we hung up. They didn't call before lunch so for sure they would call not long after. 3 o'clock came and went and still no call. Then 4, then 4:30. I would never dream of keeping a patient waiting and worrying like that but then again, I don't work for them, miss piercings does so they may be a little more laid back than I am used to. I left work at 4:45 and decided to go to the south medical building, I work in the north, and see if miss piercings had done her job. When I got there, and very politely asked if she had had a chance to set up the biopsy, she told me she didn't know how to do that. HUH?! Well right before I was about to fly over the desk and rip out her brow ring, the doctor walks out of an exam room and I made eye contact with him. He remembered me and muttered something about how he tried on Friday to call the radiologist but never got through (yeah, right and I bet you have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell me too buddy). I politely said that I would be happy to wait if he wanted to get it set up RIGHT NOW (I wanted to add "you stupid asshole, don't you know we are scared out of our minds that BigD has a malignant Tom in his lung"?) I gotta give him credit, he picked up the phone, dialed radiology and talked to Dr. Xray. The only thing was that he held the phone away from his ear so I could hear both ends of the conversation. I heard some things that I wish I hadn't heard. LG: Pull up the CT on BigD and tell me what you think. DrX: It looks like a probable malignancy. LG: That's what I thought too. DrX: You should probably do a bronchoscopy and biopsy. LG: But because of the plaques, I would be doing a "blind biopsy" and wouldn't be sure if I had tissue from the mass. Could you do a needle aspiration? DrX: Can the patient lie on his stomach? LG: Yes. Do you think you could aspirate that way? DrX: I think I could get to it that way with CT guidance. LG: Ok, we will fax over the order and you can call the patient and schedule. Oh my god. I am so glad I am not allowed to be in the room. I can feel the waves of nausea coming over me just thinking about my husband laying on his stomach while they pierce his lung from behind to take a chunk of Tom out for pathology. So, while I was hoping that this would be scheduled for tomorrow, chances are it will be later in the week. This is all so surreal. Two weeks ago we didn't have ANY of this knowledge and now it is all I can think about. There are so many what ifs. My biggest fear is that Tom is related to the asbestos. I can handle it if we need to get rid of Tom and a portion of his home. We can deal with chemo, hair loss, puking etc. I can't deal with the thought of losing my husband. Hell, it has taken me 27 years to get him just the way I want him.

His name is Tom

With the roller coaster of feelings this past week at one point we found humor. BigD is known for his bizarre humor, some would actually call it sick. I think it comes from so many years working in law enforcement and seeing unspeakable things. Sometimes you need humor to offset the sadness. and fear. Tonight BigD told me he has named the tumor. He is calling it Tom the tumor. Sounded out phonetically he is actually calling it Tomass a combo of Tom and mass. Clever guy that BigD. We saw the lung specialist yesterday and he wasn't able to bring up the CT scan on the computer because of the new change over to digital that just HAD to happen this week in the radiology dept. So, we left his office with really no more information than we had going in. We left at 3 and he was going to go to the hospital to look at the CT himself and discuss it with the radiologist. We didn't hear back from him so we split a bottle of x.anax and went to bed. I managed to wait till 11 this morning to make the call to his office and they told me he wouldn't be in till 1 so we waited a bit more. Finally at 3 the lung guy (who will from now on be known as LG) called. He discussed the scan with the radiologist, viewing it together, and the game plan they both feel is best is a needle aspiration followed by a PET scan if the aspiration doesn't tell them what they want to know. He told me that the lesion is at the base of the lung (which I knew since I have a copy of the report)and it is 4 centimeters. In the tumor world that is considered small. I don't know, I guess it is small for a tumor but a great size for say, a diamond. He said it is better to have a 4 cm lesion at the base of the lung than a 1 cm lesion in the middle. Whew, thank goodness for location analysis, I feel MUCH better now. not. We know that BigD has the asbestos screwing up the top of his lungs and my biggest fear is that this tumor is related to that. If it is, it is fatal. Now it is 8:30 on Friday night. This whole bad dream started two weeks ago. As of right now, we don't have a date or time for any of the upcoming tests/procedures so we get to spend another weekend thinking about the "what if's". When we were lying in bed last night we covered about every topic imaginable and if nothing else this whole event has been a rude awakening about how ill prepared we are if something happens to one of us. We did wills 25 years ago, before kids, before anything. That needs to be updated along with living wills, power of attorney etc. One of the 12 forms we had to fill out at the LG office was about all that....we just looked at each other and simultaneously said 'shit". Both SIL's (even the evil one!) came over today and brought ham, fattening potatoes, seven layer salad, brownies, coffee cake etc....if nothing else I won't be losing weight through this whole ordeal. We didn't plan on saying anything to the boys until we knew something concrete but since S1 came home from college today for a doctors appt for a sinus infection, he was here when I was talking to LG about BigD so I had to put on a positive spin and tell him that it was probably no big deal and then because he knew, I had to tell the other two so they wouldn't think I was hiding anything from them. I am hiding something though....I am hiding how worried I am. Being the child of a horrid alcoholic I learned very early on to hide my emotions so I can internalize my fears and they don't show to the outside world. Of course it reeks havoc on my system and the stress comes out in other ways but at least I feel confident that nobody else is affected by my fears. I am so tired and feeling very impatient.

The beginning of something but I don't know what

Well the CT was Monday. This morning the doc called to tell me that he didn't have good news for me. The scan read similar to the xray in the indication of pleural plaques because of asbestos exposure but the kick in the gut was the following sentence: "4 cm right lower lobe parenchymal mass worrisome for malignancy". Shit. Through a few connections I was able to get him an appointment with a pulmonologist this afternoon (they first offered an appointment 8 days from now--sorry but you just can't expect normal intelligent people to sit and worry for a week--you know all about the squeaky wheel...I can squeak with the best of them) This blog may end up being my venting spot. I have no idea where we are headed but knowing me I will have to vent somewhere and this will probably be it. So, if any of you want a blog that is constantly full of perfume and roses, this probably isn't the one for you. We see the pulmonary guy at 2 today....keep a good thought.

waiting is a pain

in the ass. BigD had the CT on Monday morning and it is now Wed night and we still don't have the report. The hospital decided that this week would be a perfect time to implement a brand new system in the radiology dept and now things are all backlogged. Believe me, I have tried all of my connections. The doc even went online to see if he could snag a report and it has been dictated but not transcribed. In the meantime, BigD isn't sleeping, is having bouts of tears (he NEVER cries) and is a complete wreck. If we don't get a report by tomorrow around lunch time, I may have to go visit the radiologist and tell him HE will have to come to my house tomorrow night to console my big man. As for the NYC photos...for some reason my laptop is not working and all my photos are in there. I put in a call for my tech support (and threatened to withhold my next monetary transfer into his account for his beer money---uh, I mean lunch money so he should call soon;)

So much to say

I finally got a program (thank you deathstar!) to download my NYC photos...I worked on it some last night while I was watching the two candidates duke it out. Is it just me or does McC seem to have some passive/aggressive tendencies?? There were a couple times where I was glad he didn't have the nuke button on his podium....he kinda scares me. The VP debate will be very interesting. I have a feeling that lil sara won't fare very well..we shall see. Anyway, I am not loaded with work this weekend so I should be able to post the photos that turned out and the stories that go with them. As for BigD, we (because we all know when someone in the family is having a problem the problem affects the WHOLE family) are going for a CT scan on Monday. He depends on me to explain medical crap to him and I have been holding out on him. I know what could be coming but I haven't shared my knowledge with him completely. He made a joke on Friday about picking out a plot at the cemetery and part of me just collapsed inside. I am one of those people that researches. I research everything, I read labels, I ask questions, rinse, repeat. Also because of my wonderful ability to multitask I can worry about several things at once...yea, lucky me. So, now I have to go get my Saturday errands out of the way, come home and finish the work I have here and then will finally get to posting the fun experiences we had in the eclectic and hectic NYC.....I will be back soon :)

Crazy week

I PROMISE that this weekend I will get my NYC photos and stories up. Things have been hectic here and in the middle of everything, BigD gets a call from the doctor that something is amiss in his chest. He went in for a physical about 10 days ago, had to ask for a routine xray, lab etc (the lovely insurance company doesn't believe in preventative medicine...don't even get me started.) Anyway, it appears that BigD has the "appearance of pleur.al plaqu.es" in his upper lobes and at the costophr.enic angle. This is not good. Now I get to do battle with big insurance carrier about paying for a C.T-S.C.A.N. If you look up these plaque.s they primarily come from exposure to asbesto.s and can take 20 years after exposure to cause problems.....guess who worked in a county building 20 years ago that was torn down and found to be loaded with the stuff?? Wow, good guess, yep it was my hubby. I refuse to go to the worst case scenario but I am armed and ready for battle to get answers. You don't want to cross me when it comes to taking care of my family...watch out insurance man, you had better eat your wheati.es this weekend.

brief hello

I am back. I had a WONDERFUL time. I have some posts ready to go except somehow I deleted my photo program from my computer so until I can get one (I am looking for free downloads, if anyone has any suggestions...help a girl out.) I can't post my posts because they don't make sense without the photos. I simply cannot believe how many things I did in 4 days. I have never walked so much in my life. Honestly my knees and ankles hurt but it is a good hurt...each creak of my knee reminds me of the trip....very very fun and you will hear all about it once I can locate a program to download.....as a side note, why do they not include the CD's any more when you buy a computer?? Oh, wait, I know...that way you have to PAY them again for the same software they put in for free originally...shitheads.

168 HOURS

Exactly 168 hours from now I will be meandering the streets of Man.hattan. To say I am excited would be like saying Gusta.v brought in a bit of rain. I cannot begin to express how badly this trip is needed. With 2 kids in college and having been unceremoniously downsized by my biggest client, going to one of the most expensive cities around is probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done. I have managed to sock away droplets of cash and should have enough to bargain hunt in China.town, eat some yummy street dogs, (hopefully not the 4 legged kind if I eat in China.town:) and see some sights. Some of our days BigD has obligations but we are spending a total of 84 hours there so if I limit my sleep, I should have a great time. Like I mentioned before there is another couple going along. I am still concerned about the wife but did have a chance to let her know that they don't need to feel as though they are tethered to us (my very polite way of telling her that we may not want to go some of the places, ie:bars they /she wants to go to) and I am a morning person to her night personality so we may be going in different directions. Honestly I am pretty easy going and I am not afraid to tell them that I am not interested but BigD doesn't like to make waves and once we get somewhere he doesn't like to leave to explore. In past years I have hopped on the sub.way and off I went...it is so much fun. He is just as happy to nap in the hotel or eat in "well known" restaurants. I WILL NOT EAT in a place we have here! I refuse....I want authentic, local food. I may have to take the lead on this trip. I love the Vill.age too. I spent almost 3 hours wandering there and loved the feel, the people and the whole atmosphere. If I were young, single and very rich, you would find me there in a cozy little place above a bakery. I do have tickets to see Liv.e with Re.gis and K.elly which has been fun in the past too. I tried to get them to The V.iew but they book about a year ahead. The studio where LWR&K is shot is a small cozy place and much more personal. One year R.eg came over to me in the audience and when the producers were counting down back to live, he forgot to let go of my hand and started to take me up in front of the camera with him..we both busted out laughing when we realized he was still holding my hand when the count was 5,4, 3... So, if any of you (Dr. Deb, Mel, EVI) have any suggestions or know anyone in Man.hattan that could turn me onto some good food, or play tickets or anything at all....feel free to spill your guts.

elephants, donkeys and more

She has 5 kids, one is 4 months old with special needs. I don't know but 3 kids kicked my ass and I am not sure I would have enough in me to run a country if my boss croaked. Give me your thoughts. My initial reaction was that mccai.n just handed the job to oba.ma. Then S2 reminded me that for years I have been saying that they need to get a mom in the whit.e house because everyone knows that we can multitask with the best of 'em. Budgets? (clothe and feed 3 kids on a small budget?) CHECK. Wars?(have you ever had one cookie left and two children?) CHECK. Homeland secur.ity? (we can spot the bad kid in every group) CHECK. I could go on and on but you get the point. I do think oba.ma is charming but I think he has more than just the superficial stuff. I think he can do the job. I think he will surround himself with intelligent people. The only thing I remember about bid.en is when he had his hair plugs put in he looked ridiculous. S1 and S2 are voting for the first time in their lives and they are staunchly supporting oba.ma. BigD is a diehard elephant and cringes every time the boys talk about their votes canceling out his...very funny to see the shade of purple he turns. As a rule I DO NOT BELIEVE any of the propaganda emails I get about any candidate. I actually bristle when someones goes on a rant about why my candidate is horrid when all they have to support it is a few random emails from "the other side" that may or may not have a grain of truth. I am doing my own research. I am smart. I will make up my own mind and be happy with my choice. Actually I know now how I am voting but I am curious to see if you have decided. In other sad news....my husbands girlfriend died on Thursday. She filled a void that I could not. He has been seeing her a couple of times a week for the past 6 years. Every time he would come home from her house he would be satisfied and smiling. I was never jealous as she was much better at it than I am. She was 83, her name was Margaret and she baked for my husband. (Get your dirty mind out of the gutter.) He was friendly with her husband and when he died, BigD started checking up on her. She has one child (who is a total weirdo and ignored her) but she had wonderful friends and neighbors that made sure she was doing ok. She was ready to die and had told Big D that many times. I can't imagine ever feeling that way. I really can't. When I hear older people say that I want to scream....don't you want to do this or that????? I can't comprehend that thinking and I hope it is many years before I can! Well give me your opinions on the mom for veepee, the smooth talking senator and whatever else has hit you about this election process. We should all be informed...it is our job.

Annoyed?? You betcha

I have a rant. I am really annoyed with banking protocol. Yes, I know they are a business~~but~if I were to do what they do, I would be sent to jail. Yesterday is a good example. S2 who recently opened his first checking account with a debit card was at the school bookstore, wallymart, pizza palace, and a few other places around campus getting ready for dorm life and picking up a few things we didn't think about before he left. I get a frantic call at work from him asking me why when he went to the ATM it said he had insufficient funds. I explained if you have 1 apple in your kitchen you can't eat 2. Since I had two checks here that were for him, after work I shot over to the bank to make the deposits and thinking that he probably had an overdraft fee, I was prepared to help him with that because it was his first mistake. He naively thought that if the card kept working that he must have money in the account. After all, credit cards are denied for ISF so he assumed a debit worked the same way. (Yes, when he opened the account I told him the difference but lets not forget he is an 18 year old male with independence in his eyes and most likely was far off in a distant thought when we covered this topic). So, imagine my surprise when I arrived at the bank to find that they had been shelling out money to him for OVER A WEEK at multiple locations racking up a $37.50 overdraft fee each time. No phone call to either of us to let us know this was happening. To say I was pissed doesn't even come close. YES, I KNOW THEY ARE A BUSINESS BUT THIS IS CRAZY. They have earned 19 BILLION , yes BILLION dollars last year from these fees...and it is LEGAL. When I asked the bank manager why they would not even send out a courtesy call to a new customer that was racking up fees over a period of an entire week she told me "most people would rather pay the fees than be embarrassed at the checkout with a denial". No kidding. She really told me that. To say I was furious would be putting it mildly. What ever happened to common courtesy or good business relations?? She deleted a couple of the fees and laughed that she had been through this with her own daughter and YES, banking is a business. At that moment the term loan shark came to mind. She asked me if he had been checking his balance on line and I told her the university just got him hooked up a few hours before he called so he had been without secure internet access..as he wasn't about to go to the library or some random computer station and type in all of his banking numbers! So, I had quite the talk with S2 last night and told him he has to check his balance every day on line...make it a habit and momma bear is not going to keep coming to the rescue. It is time he learns to hunt on his own. But, that doesn't make me any less furious about the way they are doing business.....how can they keep debiting an account that is out of funds?? They have instant computer access to everyones accounts~~if they can print a balance on a receipt then they know what you have or don't have RIGHT? I don't know about you but I would much rather be told at the local pizza place that my $8.00 debit was denied than have to pay $45.50 for that same pizza. GRRRRR

MIXED EMOTIONS

When your children are very little your world is consumed with milestones. The first REAL smile that isn’t immediately followed by a full diaper, the giggle you hear coming from their room when they wake up and see their favorite stuffed bear in their crib with them. The milestones don’t stop as they grow. The first day of school, first love and subsequent broken heart, being accepted or rejected by the “it” kids, driving and first fender benders and on and on. Life is a series of events that hopefully lead you to become a fulfilled adult. One of those milestones is beginning your life away from home. Last year S1 started college and along with my broken heart was a proud heart. I had no concerns that he would not do well scholastically (he made the Dean’s list) but I worried about his social life. He is different than many of his peers. We have always said he had an old soul, even as a child he had visions and understanding that most people three times his age don’t have. This year, he has moved to an apartment and his room here at home is empty. Completely empty. I find that I want to close the door because it kicks me in the gut every time I walk by and see another reminder that he has truly begun his adult life and I can only hope that we have given him enough love and lessons that he can be happy and grab every morsel of life that comes his way. Today S2 leaves. Once again I have mixed emotions. He is my social butterfly. As I type this, he and two of his buddies are sleeping on my family room floor, having spent the night after a farewell bonfire we had last night (I say WE loosely, I was not invited but did provide chocolate and marshmallows). When I looked out back last night the roaring bonfire lit up the shadows of so many of the kids that I have watched grow up. Some of these kids started out together in preschool. They were all laughing and I could tell by the sounds that it was a mix of excitement and maybe a little worry about what lies ahead. It is going to be so quiet here. For all the times that I have bitched that these kids have eaten everything in my fridge, kept me awake at night with laughter while playing video games or watching movies….I am really going to miss that. I know I still have S3 and believe me it will help. He is active in sports and loves to be surrounded by friends so I know he will pick up where S2 leaves off….but…one child does not replace another. They each have their own niche in the world. I am off to load up the car and fully expect to leave the university today through tear filled eyes, and will most definitely consume large amount of chocolate today.

I am wowed

A great blogger has awarded me with, well... an award. Her name is Rebel and you can read her at http://greentshirt.blogspot.com/. She is a lady with common sense and great love for her family and obviously has great taste in blogs that she reads..HA!

The award is called Arte y pico and here's how this works:

"This award was created to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their creativity and their talents, and for contributing to the blogging world in whatever medium. When you receive this award it is considered a “special honor”. Once you have received this award, you are to pass it on to 5 others. What a wonderful way to show some love and appreciation to your fellow bloggers!

The rules for passing this honor on are:

Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y Pico” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award from Arte Y Pico.

I have so many wonderful reads that it is actually difficult to narrow it down but the ones I am picking are for different reasons in that they have made me think or laugh or left me wanting more.

First I will pick Beagle. She and her husband went through hell and high water to become parents. When it looked grim they persevered and now have a wonderful son. The first time I read her blog (a long time ago) she was in a very dark place and to read her now is a delight.

http://www.cats-in-the-cradle.blogspot.com. She had to go PWP so you may not be able to read her but I will tell you that her world is so much different now.

Next would have to be Rosie. http://www.rosie.com. She is on a blogging break right now but whether you agree with her or not, her blog is always thought provoking. She is the kind of charitable that doesn't talk about how much or where she gives, but she gives a lot.

Next is a blogger that I am not sure how to describe. She travels in the society circle in NYC, is married to a very successful businessman, has a couple of amazing homes and a sweet dog that always seems to be breaking his leg! I enjoy reading her posts because I like to live vicariously through other peoples lives since I really don't have one. http://melissacmorris.blogspot.com

http://awomanmyage.blogspot.com is a woman that is trying to do many things with her life. She writes that she is an actress but since she is "anonymous" I have no idea if she is anyone that I might recognize. I like her blog because it is real. She doesn't hold back and over time I feel like I have gotten to know her through her writing. I am always waiting for the next chapter so to speak.

http://dailycoyote.blogspot.com This is one you have to check out if you are an animal lover. This woman found an orphaned coyote and brought him home and has raised him from the time he was 10 days old. She lives in the middle of nowhere with her coyote and her cat. Her photos are awesome(make sure you go back into the archives and see all of them, if you don't leave smiling you probably have a heart of stone).There are countless days that I would love to be her, live in her cabin, and have the kind of peace she seems to have.

This is especially true after this week. We moved S1 into his first apartment, S2 and BigD had a rousing argument that drove me into the shower to cry (this is 5 days before he leaves for college) and I just got my last paycheck from my main client so some life changing decisions need to be made. Also my marriage is feeling crappy right now so escaping to blogs is my way of handling stress. I don't drink so indulging in a little reading is therapy for me.

By rights they should let me give this award to at least 30 people since there are so many blogs I read that make my day, but there you have it, a few new ones for you to check out.

tidbits of nothing cause I need to get back to posting because nobody is reading any more

Yesterday we had a brief torrent of rain fall from the sky. S2 asked S1 to run out to the driveway and put up the windows in his car. S1 promptly ran out and did the nice task for his brother. A few minutes later I asked S1 if he had taken care of my car too….THE ONE THAT WAS PARKED RIGHT NEXT TO HIS BROTHERS CAR. He gave me a blank look. The look of a person that was just told that Santa Claus at M.acy’s was really a big old fat pervert. How could a 13 year old close a sunroof and windows on a car and completely ignore the car RIGHT NEXT TO IT? I asked him if it truly didn’t even occur to him to take care of my car too. He said he never even gave it a thought. I am hoping he doesn’t have brain rot. Also on the work front…I made a mistake today and nice doctor was not pleased with me. Without giving a lot of identifying detail, I inadvertently made a patient wait 45 minutes for his appointment while 2 other patients went ahead of him. It was completely my fault and I didn’t even know I did it till the patient came up to the desk and started bitching. (I will tell you that he wasn’t that nice even before he waited…he showed up with a stick up his ass-well, not a real stick but you know what I mean). Anyway, when he came out, I copped to what I did and apologized to him so he wouldn’t blame the doctor on being a tardy butt. This patient was absolutely stunned that I apologized. He thanked me three times before he left for being up front with him. As for the doctor, well he didn’t give me a sunny buh-bye before I left today but I know he will get over it. I have been there 4 months now and this is my first goof and even though I am this close to perfect, I am allowed an error once in awhile. Besides, I have been paying attention and doc doesn’t wash his hands after using the potty. It is right beside where I sit at work and he goes, flushes, zips and is out the door...ewwwwww.

THURSDAY THOUGHTS

Since my last post was such a downer I thought I should post about something ridiculous or stupid so I thought I would throw out a challenge for any of you reading this to come up with one tip or hint that you can share that would make some annoying task easier or at least less gross or disgusting. I will start with a couple of little tricks that I use that actually work. Have you ever had a problem with ants? This morning I came down to the kitchen to find the pups bowl surrounded with 458,376 ants…teeeeeennnny ones, microscopic even but they were there and I saw them. After hitting them with a squirt of this wonderful natural cleaner that smells like grapefruit (it didn’t kill them but slowed them down so I could come in for the kill with a wad of paper towels), I got out the baby powder. Yep, you sprinkle a little but along the baseboards (or even outside the foundation of the house) and the ants won’t cross it to come in. Nifty little Thursday thought for you. If you like to watch hummingbirds, don’t waste your money buying the special food for the feeders. The flatter the feeder the better by the way. The directions for home made nectar call for 4 parts water to 1 part sugar but since I insist on being the favorite feeder in the neighborhood, I do 3 cups of boiling water to 1 cup of sugar. Fill the feeder (yes, of course I let it cool first, I am not wicked) and stick the rest in the fridge. I have 3 or 4 birds there at a time most of the time. (the baby powder trick works to keep ants away from the feeder too…just sprinkle around the ground under the feeder (if you have it on a pole et cetera) and repeat after a rain. Now it is your turn….give me 1 or 2 tips that you have either learned or come up with on your own.

family-who says we have to love them???

Love thy brother. Whoever wrote that in the bible, didn't know mine. Why is it that we cherish our friendships but wish some of our family members would crawl under a rock and not come out?? I just spent the week from hell with my brother, uncle robb and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. It started when he pulled in the driveway. I was on my way out, back to work after running home to pick up a flash-drive I had forgotten. It was my birthday and the boys had gotten me a huge pizza sized cookie for dessert later that night. As I was flying out to my car, I yelled jokingly to the boys to leave me a piece (it is survival of the fittest here, eat it before someone else does) and uncle robb says “yeah, you LOOK like you need a cookie”. Okay, in print that doesn’t come across with the condescending tone or eye roll or snicker. This is waaaayyyy more than brother/sister teasing. He is mean. He has always been mean. He was the kind of brother that would tickle me until I would cry, mean. The entire time he was here he was sarcastic, obnoxious and derogatory to me and to my kids. (BigD was away for a few days). He talked to the boys about if they were getting drunk, getting “lai.d”, keeping it “in their pants”, which girls on TV had fake “tit*s”. He even went as far as telling S2 that one of his 17 year old friends had “work done on her tit.s” and he knew this because of their shape. I have known this girl for years and years and trust me, nothing has been altered. At one point a good friend of mine was here wishing me a happy birthday and he started talking about an e-mail he wanted to remember to send S1…you know, the one with the “hot college bab.es”…..this friend has two beautiful daughters in college. We exchanged looks and she left, wishing me luck for the rest of his visit. The boys told me when he left that they think he is becoming one of those creepy old guys that needs to be kept away from high school girls. He knows everything, and when you start a conversation he hijacks it immediately and it becomes a one sided soliloquy of how freaking fabulous he is. In his world, nobody can come close to him in brains, or looks…..sadly he has lost all of his mirrors. A little back story here…he has been married and divorced twice, hates both “cun*s” that had the brains to leave him, doesn’t work and lives off a royalty check he gets twice a year for a business that he worked briefly and is very lucky that the checks still come. He has no health insurance so he shows up at doctors and hospitals to be fixed with never having any intention of paying, then laughs about it. He even stiffed people BigD and I know that helped him medically in the past. I was humiliated….he didn’t care. (These were doctors that I socialize with and now feel extremely awkward with them). Trust me when I tell you that this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I have decided that before he makes a return visit I will have a very direct talk with him about how he is to behave here. When three teenage boys are disgusted and embarrassed by the graphic obnoxious attitude of someone, that is saying something, as most things gross are hilarious to them. S1 told me he believes that uncle robb stopped maturing around age 12 and that S3-who is about to start 8th grade, has more class, tact and common decency than his 60 year old uncle. Well put S1, well put. Once I recover from this visit, I will post some fun posts. I just had to get this out there so my blood pressure would come down.

I almost forgot-where are you TOPCAT??

Topcat, I can't quit you. I need to know you are all doing ok. If you care that I care, email me with the new password. I need my dose of Topcat's doings.

Alphabet soup including DNR and CYA

Do you know what CYA stands for? It is a common term where we live meaning ‘cover your ass’. I am in the midst of dealing with a bunch of doctors that are doing a bang up job of CYA. We have a 91 year old auntie that is circling the drain and is a DNR (meaning do not resuscitate in case of being found unresponsive basically). Well dear old auntie, I will call her Ezmerelda because it could be her name. I am pretty sure people named their babies things like that back in 1917. Anyway, Ezzie has been going downhill for the past year. Up until then she was living on her own and other than not bathing and using her favorite chair for a toilet, she was getting along okay. About 2 months ago we had a family meeting and decided that Ezzie needed to have someone checking her throughout the day and since she lived about 2000 miles away, it was hard to pop over on a lunch break. We moved Ezzie and all her belongings to an assisted care apartment near us. This place is screwing her over to the tune of about $6000 a month but she gets 3-6 meals a day so hey, I guess it is a bargain. Starting about 3 weeks ago we noticed a rapid decline in her condition. Like I said, SHE IS 91, so we weren't very alarmed. She talks all the time about wanting to be with her parents and all her sibs (they are all supposedly in heaven but we aren’t too sure as a couple of them that weren't very nice really probably went to hell). Ezzie is tired. Tired of living, tired of pain, tired of being old and just plain old tired. She is confused, getting a tad nasty and not breathing all that well. She has COPD which is a lung condition that decreases a persons ability to breathe without struggling. Without going into a ton of medical info, your oxygen level in your blood should be ideally in the high 90’s. Ezzie’s runs around 75. Two weeks ago it plummeted to 48, yes, 48. That level is pretty much around the time that St. Peter is deciding whether he should open the gates. Here begins our saga of the local doctor playing CYA. He insists on admitting her to the hospital every time her oxygen level dips. Dear doc, we KNOW it is dipping, she is 91 and wants to die. We have told you over and over that she is a DNR, these are HER wishes, signed. As I write this she is in the hospital for the second time in two weeks and has been there for 3 days. The doctor is waiting for some "lab results" to see if she can go back to her apartment and sit in her chair and refuse to take a bath. Does he really think with her condition that he is going to cure her? Has he noticed that she rips out the nasal canula as soon as his back is turned? Has he heard her when she tells me he is “worthless”? How do you cure 91?? We have tried to tell Dr. gonnapullherthrough, that he won’t be sued if she dies. He really doesn’t need to admit her every time she starts to head toward the light. This may sound cruel but it really isn’t. If you knew her you would know she is ready to let go. But instead we sit with her at the hospital and answer the same questions over and over to everyone who walks in. Last night she wanted a piece of pie. I was told by the nurse she had to ask the doctor if Ezzie could have it. Give me a break….if I make it to 91 and want a fucking piece of pie, GET ME ONE! For cripe sake, she doesn’t have any dietary restrictions, she only has 2 teeth left so I was going to get her something soft, she eats like a horse (think 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches and 2 dinners, all mushed of course…not so much out of actual hunger, she just forgets that she has already eaten) and in my opinion if she wants to eat chocolate covered farts let her. I need to go get my living well in order. today. Shit, what a week!

NYC readers-Dr. Deb, EVI-and any others

Hey gang...I am making plans to be in NYC for a longish weekend from 9-11 through 9-14 for the memorial activities...I need advice. I want to see a play, get into the VIEW for a taping on the 12th, eat great "local" food, no tourist traps or chain restaurants, great shopping (maybe chin*atown--love the bags. I am sort of known in my circle as a bag whore) and we are staying at the New*Yorker hotel on 8th ave. So...suggestions are welcome. AND...if you want to meet me for a quick breakfast, I'm buying :) (I would love to meet you blog ladies). We have gone to NYC several times for the memorial activities since the attacks. As I mentioned before, BigD is in "law enforcement" and has some ny*pd friends and he is very active in memorial society things so we go as often as we can afford. This year, we can't afford it but are going anyway-HA!I have determined that I will be fully nuts (instead of only half nuts) if I don't plan a get away. NYC is an amazing place. If I were young, very rich and single, I would live there. Since I am none of these, I just visit. My only concern is that there is another couple that may be joining us and I am not real fond of the lady half of the couple. She isn't a bad person we just have NOTHING in common. She is 14 years younger than me, she parties A LOT, likes to only wear 1/2 of her clothes and adores attention. Now take those things away and you have me. It will be interesting. I know I will be in the minority when I say I want to chill and wander the city taking it all in, instead of hanging out in every irish pub we see. I don't mind a few along the way but I have no intention of spending my entire trip comparing beer bottles. So, I need anyone from NYC or that has traveled there enough to know, to tell me the places to go. (We will be at Battery Park on Friday afternoon for the memorial parade and Saturday night at Town Hall on W43rd for the concert but other than that, I am open for suggestions).