Gotten a "practical" gift from hubby? This is magnificent

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1543292789?bctid=3130509001

It'll never happen to me.....oh shit

It did.

All weekend I have been trying to check my checking account balance and the banks site wouldn't let me sign in. I wasn't too surprised because this is the same bank I had issues with earlier,,,,,though this was a website, not the local branch morons.

Yesterday I was busy so I waited until today to call the bank to see what was up.

They had frozen my account.

WHAT???!!!

I always balance to the penny and have about eight hundred bucks in there (wayyy more than normal) so WTF?

The bank rep told me to hold while she transferred me...........to the FRAUD department. If I were an old southern lady, I would have come down with a case of the vapors.

Apparently some lovely individual tried to use my debit card number to buy over $1500 worth of items at R.alph L.auren in London. The London that is in England. On the other side of the ocean. Since I don't have any gaps of time where I have been missing from home, chances are I wasn't the one in London. England. This was on the 19th of November. Today is the 30th. If the bank was suspicious enough to freeze the account, don't you think a quick call or email to me might be in order?? Shitheads.

So I spent the day deleting that card from any auto-pay feature at any online shopping place that I frequent. Pay-pal, A.mazon, etc. Now don't start lecturing me about the hazards of using a debit card online. I know. I preach that to the boys all the time. I will tell you that I do not EVER click on links in emails from anywhere requesting data... even if they tell me it is urgent or my recent purchase will implode-blah-blah-blah....I do not frequent questionable sites, my debit card is never out of my reach, and it has never been lost. I am what they call a "smart" consumer, well aware of phishing, spamming, I know to check the browser before I enter info to make sure it is a secure site and all that crap. So, this leaves me to wonder what happened. Obviously someone snagged my number (along with the 3 digits on the back-which is even worse) to attempt purchasing.

Did I tell you that as well as the $1500 attempt on the 19th, they also attempted to buy a bus ticket...again in London...YESTERDAY. This was only a $51 charge and the bank says that I need to file a dispute form to fight it. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD MY ACCOUNT FROZEN AT THE TIME. When I called the bank today, they said it was "in process". How it was "in process" on a frozen account is beyond me. Double shitheads.

So, no more debiting for me. Which really sucks because it was really nice to be able to use that for my little nonsense items like K.indle books at 99 cents or a fast trip to the store for milk. I don't want to use a credit card for teeny crap like that and I never have cash in my purse. According to my children "nobody" uses real checks any more (and I have actually heard those are more dangerous because they have your routing number and account number, which when used wisely by a savvy thief, could wipe you out. )

The FRAUD lady told me even she has been victimized the same way. Hers was linked back to using a card to pay for a burger....then all hell broke loose. She said people sometimes open a small checking account with a debit card and only keep enough in it that you are willing to lose, and make a deposit when you do want to use it. Yeah. Really convenient lady. So I need to plan ahead if I want to order that awesome pair of gently used crocs on ebay? What if it is Saturday night and the auction is over before Monday morning when I can make a deposit? If I lose out on those purple and yellow striped, form fitted, plasticey substance material shoes .....well, I can't even think about it.

So y'all have been warned.

a few quick things

I don't have time to elaborate on anything important.

There are a lot of important things happening here.

A week from tomorrow I officially lose my last big client. That means an additional loss of my income by 90%. This does not make a cheerful OHN. Before long, I won't be only-half-nuts....I will be full-blown-nuts. If people in this country knew what was really going on with health care, you would run screaming into the night.

A simple example of one issue......say you have a pesky little breas.t cancer. You see your doctor. He sends you to a surgeon that you aren't sure you like, but, heck, your family doctor sent you there so he must really like him. Yeah....not really.

Most likely your family doctor has a short list to pick from because he is in association with a large medical center, or the same "group". In our area the C.leveland C.linic, U.niversity H.ospitals, or S.umma Care System are the three biggies that are sucking up ALL the doctors. If your doc **belongs** to the Clinic, he isn't going to refer you to U.niversity, even if U has the BEST oncologist for your cancer. Sad and wrong on so many levels.

**yes, I mean belongs, because once you join them, you are on a salary that is commensurate with your numbers of patients seen, surgeries performed, number of referrals to others in your association etc. So, in effect they do own your doctor.

This last account I had was forced to join the Clinic. You are wondering how a physician can be forced?? Simple. If you don't join, and you are a specialist (ortho, uro, gyn etc) your referrals dry up. Specialists rely heavily on physician referrals. So unless they want to just hope for referrals by old patients (" hey Bill...go see Dr. Feelsalotofprostates, he is great") they are screwed. No patients means no practice.

Ironically, my last account...is a wonderful man that HATES the fact that he will now be salaried and told what paintings he is allowed to hang in his office (no, I am NOT kidding, there is actually a list he is to select from that are accepted by his new "boss"). He will be forced to use their internal charting system so OHN is out. I honestly think he feels almost as badly as I do about it.

So, there's that.

S3 got his license this week. Need I say more? He is a great kid, extremely careful, but very very green. I give it till Christmas before I get the call that a portion of my car is deformed in some manner.

S1 told me he is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. My first question was if she was pregnant. She's not. Apparently her parents are freaking out that she is basically living with him and said they wouldn't mind if she was engaged. I tried to explain to S1 that there needs to be a little bit better reason to get engaged, than getting her mom and dad off her back. S1 will be 22 this week and she is 21. They are wonderful together, and most likely WILL end up together, but sheesh....

S2 is overloaded with school, internship, and work. The whole time he was ranting, I was thinking "yep bud, get used to it...it's called life")

Oh, and it's cold here. 31 as I type this. This means that our gas bills will soon be hovering in the $350 a month range. Not good. I may have to dig out the fishnets, hit up G.oodwill for a miniskirt, and find a profitable corner.

Oh, and two weeks before I found out that the client was going to be gone, we ordered about $3000 worth of replacement doors (entrance and sliders) for our house. (much needed as when we have a blowing snow, we actually get poofs of it in our kitchen, after years and years and years of boys and animal use, and the main entrance door has been slammed so many times it is a miracle it still closes....so while it is crazy timing, it hopefully will at least help with the heat bills) Of course, the opening isn't standard size so we had to special order. ugh.

Well, the complaint list could take all day to write and the title of this was a few quick things. Hey, if nothing else I will have more time to fill up this space. OH that reminds me...the writing gig, it fell through. I checked a little deeper and found out some things that made that little bell ding in my head that said don't do it. So I'm not.

Have a happy day :-)

While women like me.......and many of you....

have to jump through hoops to get/stay pregnant and/or go through expensive, THOROUGH background checks to adopt. ...all in the desire to be a parent...yet there are no laws, rules, or hell, even nosy neighbors to keep women like this from procreating.

Shit like this makes my head explode. http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/police-pennsylvania-mom-michele-kalina-killed-her-babies-kept-bones-in-closet/19689622

I need your help

Promise you won't laugh.

I have been asked to write a relationship and advice column for a local paper.

I SAID DON'T LAUGH!

What I need....are questions. Lots of questions. Ask away. You can leave them here in the comment section and I will compile them for my column and when it is first published, I will put a link here for you. The editor is giving me free reign and I get paid on the amount of readership I have. You may remain anonymous.....or make up a fake name...it doesn't matter.

I just need as many questions as possible. (they actually don't HAVE to be about relationships...part of the deal was that I would give advice about anything)

Go ahead. You know you want to know what to do about your annoying Aunt Mildred, or your pain in the ass mother-in-law or nosy neighbor. (nope, this isn't the big new business I have been hinting about.....more on that one later)

What does your mom drive?

I dropped S3 off at school the other day. This white van was also dropping off a student. As often happens we ended up heading in the same direction for quite some time until we hit a traffic light. A long light. Long enough for me to take out my phone and snap a photo.

So, if this was your moms van.....wouldn't you just be sooo proud?

* * * * * * * * I hope you can click on it and make it bigger. If not it says:

"my inner child is a mean little fucker"

AND

"yes, I am a bitch, so fucking what?"

And no.....just because you have a Marine sticker on the back, doesn't take away the low class effect.

Friday at 5:15

I was getting ready for a sunny and warm, 70 degree plus,weekend (rare in October where I live).

I came into my office, where my phone was flashing a message light.

It was a cell number that I didn't recognize, but since I am in the middle of being a queen of a fundraiser I suspected it was a disgruntled parent bitching about something I have no control over.

I couldn't have been more wrong, and my weekend has spun out of control since.

I have told you here before that I work with several physicians offices providing them SUPERB service (yeah, tooting my own horn here, but they have actually all told me that)but that times, well they are a-changin, and now they all need to go to EMR by 2014. My fav doc (x10years) had told me that when the time came that he had to be compliant, he wanted me to still provide his service and we would come up with our own version of EMR to be compliant, but where he still didn't have to touch a computer.

At 5:15 on Friday, I get a VOICEMAIL from his office manager. She is delightfully sweet, but on the flake meter, she is a full blown croissant.

She tells me that doc has signed with the C.leve.land C.lin.ic and as of a date soon, very soon, he will have to use their system and will not need my service. She went on to say how wonderful I am, how sorry she is, I have gone above and beyond over the years, blah, blah, blah. All I am hearing is 'you're fired bitch'.

I KNOW these solo guys aren't making any money. They are almost forced at this point to joint a huge institution as an employee to guarantee their own incomes. (Don't even get me started about fucking insurance companies and their wealth of power they have over EVERYONE---need heart surgery? Lets check with a dipshit with NO MEDICAL BACKGROUND on the other end of the phone at the INS co to get approval. Ohhh, she says no, so guess you get to die without surgery.....think I'm exaggerating??? Not much) To files claims, you get 90 days to submit. You do it in 10. They wait 75 to send it back telling you the doc needs to sign on the line below the one where he signed (not kidding here), and by the time you resubmit, the magic 90 day mark has passed and payment is denied. Yes, they do it on purpose. I am convinced for every claim they can deny, they get a bonus.

See I told you not to get me started.

So as of a fast approaching date, I will no longer be clearing $1000 a month from that account. That added to the big client that I lost 2 years ago,(another $1500 or so) well, lets just say I may have to find some hot pants, fishnets and a corner soon.

I still cannot believe she left me this news in a voicemail on a Friday, after office hours. (though, croissant remember?)I am not angry. Not in the least. He needs to do what he needs to do. Now that the C.Clinic has bought up everything in my area, he wouldn't get referrals if he didn't join. Being a specialist, he lives on referrals. He is a great guy. I will and have sent family to him, and will continue to do so.

So my lovelies...I am in need of reinvention again. I started my last business with a thought and some determination and I will do it again. I have had an idea brewing for over a year to fill a niche that hasn't been filled and I KNOW it would be a go, but it will cost a few bucks to get started (lawyer fees for the 'we are not responsible' clauses, brochures, postage, calls--LOTS of calls, and website building etc) and I am not sure that when I am facing losing my income (though $30,000 a year it isn't huge to lots of you, it DOES make a big difference as none of our income is disposable....I even think twice before I call for a pizza delivery...I keep very close tabs on income and outgo).....so spending money, not knowing how quickly there would be income, is scary.

When I started my last company I had that feeling in my gut that it would fly. I have it again, and I am even more passionate about the concept of this one, as it will be life changing for so many people.

But, this weekend I am still too stunned to really jump into something. I can't really think very clearly. Right now I am worried about house payments (property taxes, etc), car insurance, utilities (house heat in Ohi.o is crazy from Nov-April and we have a big ass house), and all the other costs in a normal life. BigD is a pu.blic serv.ant remember? His income is equal with mid-west pu.blic serv.ant pay, which means it's okay, but not enough.

(I do still have the part-time job in the one docs office a couple mornings a week and will talk to them tomorrow about his upcoming merger (again, solo so he needs to do something) and be certain that I am still included when the merger happens....I have been told I am....so if I am not, well, the next few posts probably won't be very pretty.

Can you be friends with someone you haven't met?

If you had asked me that a few years ago, I would have looked at you like you had three legs and told you OF COURSE NOT.

Now, I find myself realizing that in fact I was an idiot a few years ago and the correct answer is OF COURSE STUPID.

Through this teensy weensy little blog I have "met" some really great people. Not great in the sense that they have ended any wars, but great in the sense that if we met for lunch, we could talk and laugh, or bitch and cry, for hours.

I found out today that one of those friends found out she has cancer. Malignant Melanoma. I know many people think "oh, it's JUST skin cancer". Your skin is your body's biggest organ.

I know she is afraid. She has a husband and two adorable kids. Who wouldn't be scared? The worst part of all>>>>>even though I am certain she will be fine, she will still need treatment and she has no insurance. For a while now she has been unemployed. Where she lives there really aren't too many choices for her. (husband having insurance isn't an option)

She is part of "America's uninsured" that everyone talks about, but if you have insurance you really don't give it much thought. I have been thinking about that, and her, all day.

I am not too worried about her recovering from the medical aspect, but the cost of her care...ouch.

So, yes, you can be friends with strangers. It isn't odd at all.

If she was a PITA then, she most likely still is one.

Many moons ago, when S1 and S2 were in pre-school I was on the Board of Directors. Yeah...it was a REALLY important position. We made life and death decisions about whether we should allow juice boxes or not, how to make sure that none of the children brought a hidden token from home (those extremely taunting matchbox cars in pockets, or an especially beautiful hair clip, snuck from home )...you know, life altering decisions.

There was one mom that took her role in this leadership so seriously that there were meetings that she would be shaking by the end. It drove her crazy if anyone strayed off topic--ever so slightly--with a funny anecdote or a suggestion of change. This woman didn't just want to volunteer, she wanted to be the only one with an idea...one that would be implemented EXACTLY to her plan.

She drove us all a little nuts. This was pre-school, not Harvard.

Fast forward to last week. I was asked for some ideas for fund-raising for S3's sporting team, by some of the women that had been involved for a couple of years and they were tired of the same old same old same old ideas.

Of course, when they asked me, they did it in the perfect way, by flattering me. Yep. It really works. They told me I was smart, efficient, talented (yeah, they went a little overboard there) and wanted some fresh input.

I came up with an idea that was met with absolute glee, as it had never been done before, would make good money, quickly, and with little parental involvement (I believe the ones needing the money for the pay*to*play and equipment, ie: the players, need to pony up the effort to have their needs met.) So, all was sailing along. I agreed to do ALL the contacting, calling, organizing etc...so they were also thrilled that they could focus on some other things.

After sending out a mass email to all concerned at the school, athletic department, parents etc, I sat back waiting for the responses. Still feeling a bit like a loser from Middle School, I waited for the onslaught of "what a stupid idea" and "where the hell did you come up with that one" comments. Surprisingly, it was met with enthusiastic response.

Except for one parent. Guess who?

The pre-school nightmare mom. Her youngest son also plays the same sport. Her email contained NO salutation, no signature (her name is her email so I know from whence is came), just a brief string of words with no punctuation between......telling me that this idea just wouldn't work.

(She also adores Palin....thinks she is a genius..dear God). It was the best laugh I had all week. Out of 45 emails, hers was the only one that was negative. Truthfully....I think she was probably crazed that it wasn't HER idea :)

Keep your eyes open for her in your playgroup, pre-school, grade school etc. There is one of her everywhere. I think they spawn during the predawn hours and have clandestine meetings to determine who is going to infiltrate which organization. We can't let them take over.

It's gonna be a fun school year.

Oh, and for those of you that were concerned about the state of my marriage. Thank you. BigD goes through these funks and it rarely has anything to actually do with ME. I just take it all personally. He did agree to let me schedule a complete physical for him. Now I need to figure out how to talk to the doc first and tell him to prescribe some better antidepressants. I know how much BigD loves me. He shows it (yes, even in public--but not over the top gross ways) and tells me. He says I am "the glue that holds us all together". He is at a funny time in his life too. We girls have menopause, and men have it too. Nobody can ever convince me otherwise. He would love to retire but can't. Would love to be working somewhere else, but can't (long story for later), and feels very overwhelmed with all things related to home maintainance.

He has always had ENORMOUS pride in his "showplace" of our home. (Yeah, drives me nuts that he really feels the MUST have "the best" looking yard, house, etc etc...comes from his parents that were perfectionists to the max and also a bit of an insecurity complex on BigD's part that he wanted people to see how well he was doing) We have a huge yard with many islands, and "feature" areas. IT IS TOO MUCH WORK! I have been telling him for years he needs to scale back the "show". Finally...he has agreed. We are pulling in all the islands to a more manageable size--mulch alone was costing a whole paycheck--and making some adjustments to ease the amount of outside work that needs to be done. As the boys are getting older and actually moving out, he sees the writing on the wall. No way will he be able to maintain this on his own, and the little Mrs here....I have NO time to be farting around outside because the house is big too and I have more than enough to do already. (Most of the neighbors have landscapers, cleaning ladies etc. We have off and on had some help but part of BigD's pride is that he needed to do all the stuff himself--a proof of sorts--that he was worthy or some other kind of macho BS.)

Anyway...things are status quo for now. Thanks for your concern :)

Things are sucky..or is it suckie?

I have been absent here for quite some time. Along with being busy things have just been sucky/suckie at chez OHN for a bit.

To be honest, I really don't know what is going on. I am sure there is a component of unsettledness (yes, it is a new word that I will petition Webster to add)to my emotional state with S1 and S2 both being basically gone and on their own for real this time. S1 is working and finishing up his degree a couple of classes at a time. When the job was offered, it was a stepping stone to what he really wants to do, so he would have been nuts to turn it down.

S2 is transferring schools to have a shot at getting into a co-op program for an amazing opportunity. The agency he is aiming for only hires every 5-8 years and there are 5x as many applicants as there are positions. This acceptance into the co-op guarantees you a spot after graduation (provided you don't turn out to be a terr.orist, or some other unswarthy creature). He met the 3 BIG GUYS in charge for this area of the country and they all were courting him. They loved what they saw in him and he has been on cloud 9.

So, obviously they are doing well....so why am I in such a funk?

I will tell you. BigD has been a shithead to me for about a month now. No matter the question I ask, even simple like..."do you want me to fix something to eat?"...is met with a growl and a snappy answer. I tell you, it is getting REALLY old.

We had a period in our marriage 12 years ago that we almost split. Nobody knows. At that time he said he just wasn't happy, (and there was some other crap too involving sharing his feelings with a female friend...feelings he should have been sharing with me~~that is a post I have yet to write, but think I will because it is an important topic). We were able to work things out, but ever since then I haven't felt quite the same about him. There is always that lingering hurt and anger. Do I love him? Yeah, I do. Does he love me? Yeah, he does. But I also don't know how long I am willing to tolerate being treated like my presence is an annoyance. When I try to ask him about it, he gets irritated (just like asking about dinner)then 2 hours later he is telling me he loves me. I have whiplash people.

His father, near the end of his life, treated his wife (bigD's mom) like this too. I always vowed that I would never allow myself to be on the receiving end of gruff, grunted answers.

I am not old. Okay, compared to some of you I am VERY old, but I am not to the point in my life where I can look ahead and see the next 20-30+ years being an appendage rather than a partner.

He says "nothing" when I ask what is going on. He says he is tired, stressed etc....this is a man that loves to laugh and lately isn't seeing joy in very much. I even made a couple of doctor appointments for him. He has been on a very mild anti.depressant for years and I don't think it is effective any more. I am tempted to spike his water with a high dose.

This whole grumpy attitude is apparent to more than just me. The boys have all asked, in some form, "what the hell is dad's problem?" So, it isn't just me. In fact I had to convince S2 not to come to my defense. (the two of them are very alike, strong willed, thick skulled etc). He told me he can't promise that the next time he is here, if his dad snaps at me, that he won't come unglued and tell his dad to knock it off. I really don't want my 20 year old fighting for my honor. It doesn't sit well with me.

So, that is the main reason I haven't been here. The funks. I am going to try to get BigD alone at some point today or tomorrow (that's another issue, I refuse to talk to him about anything that will spark a loud conversation when S3 is home. He is a really sensitive kid and his world as a high school sop.homore doesn't need to be rocked. He loves us both and it is really hard on him even when voices are raised about minor things, let alone marital crap) Honestly...it is quite possible that as soon as I finish posting this, BigD will come down and be delightful. It is the see-saw effect. I never know which guy is going to walk through the door, and it is sucky...or is it suckie?

phone companies

An open letter to the scum sucking, bottom feeders that are cell phone companies.

Dear Sirs:

(I use the salutation loosely, as the correct salutation should more likely be Dear Shitheads).

I would like to commend you on your use of deceit and coercion in obtaining and constraining consumers. Your well trained personnel can successfully speak out of both sides of their mouths and look people in the eye while doing so.

Well done!

Also, I think it is brilliant that you know you have your grip on us by those tiny little hairs on the backs of our necks. We are helpless without our cells, and you know it. Kudos. Really, does anyone not have one? I have seen people that spend their nights perusing dumpsters, that have at the very least, a disposable cell in their pocket. (Might be “borrowed” from a nice couple that happened to be walking down a dark street one night, might be the one his dealer gave him to let him know when he could score…..not sure on either scenario, but I am sure you get my point). Many of us actually use our phones to earn a living….the very thing that enables us to send you enormous amounts of money each month.

So, it doesn’t surprise me, with your vast knowledge of society’s needs, that you are able to get away with charging loyal customers of 8-10 years duration, with a “small activation fee” so we can use the new phone we HAD to get because the one we got last year doesn’t work any longer. I am sure it is a freakish coincidence that most cell phones purchased in the last 5 years, last about as long as a solid relationship with a hooker. Ironically, stuffed in the back of a drawer, long forgotten, was a phone that was put to rest years ago, in favor of a cooler, more snazzy model. I dug it out, dusted it off, and lo and behold after a little bit of cuddle time with a charger….it hummed like one of Tiger’s dates.

So back to this “small” activation fee. Is my $18 (per phone) going to help your company? No, not really. But given the fact that (approximately) 1.2 billion cell phones were sold in 2009, (you can thank CNN, as they did the leg work for me), that is a tidy little profit for all of you. You go dudes!

Do you want a minute to add that up? Never mind, I have a calculator right here. Let’s see…….oh my! My calculator doesn’t have enough space for all those numbers! I did hear today that the little fee is what you use to pay your employees that don't work on commission. Can I have a job?

So, as you sit on your gilded thrones, having your neck massaged by someone who can’t afford one of your phones, please know that it is with great humility that I salute you. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that your company was run by the same people that give out loans to people with gambling addictions, then later “collect” your loan with interest that may or may not include a body part.

My only pleasure in all of this, is that a kind person gave me the heads up to completely avoid your stores, and do my phone buying at my local Best Buy. Guess what??? They sell YOUR phones cheaper than you do. Yep. Not only that, their equipment protection plan covers A.N.Y. problem. Drive over your phone? Covered. Drop it in the toilet? Covered. NO DEDUCTIBLE either. Sure beats the hell out of your “plan” that covers “some” problems, AFTER we pay you a $100 deductible to replace our phone with a refurb that will have its own set of problems. The kind people at Best Buy don’t work on commission either, so they actually tell you the truth. I KNOW…unheard of huh? OH…and better yet, those annoying rebates you offer us to suck us in, the ones we wait 6 weeks to get back??? Best Buy gives us the rebate price up front. Nothing to mail in. No, I don’t work for Best Buy, nor are the paying me anything to tell you about them. I just really appreciate their way of doing business.

So phone company, I only need to deal with you when I pay my bill each month. Thankfully, I can do that online and don’t have to talk to you liars and thieves.

Hugs,

The OHN family

BEACH BITCHING

When to quit wearing a bikini?

When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece

When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece

When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece

When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece

When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece

When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.

Beach etiquette.

When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.

I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.

I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.

Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)

I've been busy OKAY??

I know, I know. I even lost a reader. So...here is what I have been up to.

I have lost 32 lbs.

(I will take a short pause while you give me a well deserved standing O)

How you ask? Finally coming to the conclusion that I was really really fat and all of my clothes were too tight, and I was eyeballing the next size up. I had to make a decision and realized that I really was miserable (if you are over your ideal weight but are happy, that's great, this isn't a slam to you....I did this for ME, because I was miserable).

So I worked out a plan for myself and I'll be damned....it worked. Most importantly, I feel so much better. I am off a blood pressure med, not groaning when I move from the chair to the refrigerator (yes, I still do frequent the fridge, I just eat 1/2 of my normal portion) and my pants are no longer tight. In fact, I need to get some new ones a couple of sizes smaller. One thing I really NEED to do, is REMOVE my bigger sizes from my house. If they are in my closet, I will always think that I can wear them if I "need" to. My next step is to buy one new item with each paycheck and put one previously worn item in the donation pile. You may not need to do this, but I know myself and I do need to do this.

Okay...next on the menu.

I have been wanting to post this for quite some time, and have re-composed it 10 different ways, but now can't find my draft, so I am gonna wing-it.

If you remember, at the beginning of the year (New Years to be precise) we had a huge issue with S1 being out of control. He was so drunk that BigD had to rescue him from himself, threw the cuffs on him and brought him home. That was also the same week I found out that the skin thingy I had was more than a thingy, that it was cancer. The night BigD brought S1 home he told him during the ride and it totally blew away the kid. I think that was his defining moment....the one where you suddenly realize that your parents won't always be here.

So, that was in January. The first week of March, a family friend was told by one of his friends that he was looking for a young person to work for his new, expanding company. The kid had to be smart (remember S1=freakishly brilliant), honest and willing to work. Without knowing that we had undergone any of the crap in January, this family friend recommended S1 to this corporate wheeler-dealer. S1 had an interview and in mid March accepted a position with the company (full time) while still going to school (full time). To say he was stressed would be an enormous understatement. I was very very worried that he wouldn't be able to handle all the pressure.

Never underestimate the power of happiness when something clicks. S1 not only DID NOT crumble, he flew. He finished the semester with a 3.2, while learning an entirely new career that has nothing to do with his major. Was he tired? Oh yeah. But he wanted this. He knows the windows and doors it can open for him. (I can't tell you the company or get into specifics, I will just say is has to do with Hom.eland Se.curity, cyber crap and assorted other things).

In the meantime......remember the girl that he was crazy about? The one that he has been a "friend" to while she would cry about all the guys that were so rotten to her? The girl that he liked so much that he told me that he told her that he could no longer be her friend, because he liked her in the 'other' way, and not just as a friend. He wanted more. For a few weeks they didn't talk. He was cranky, short tempered and missed her, but he had to cut it clean to move on, and maybe meet someone.

Well, after those couple of weeks she called telling him that she really missed their talks. They met for ice-cream and slowly have become the couple that S1 wanted to be all along. She has been here almost every weekend with him. The best way to explain how I feel about it is that I like the way S1 is when she is around. He is happy, natural (no male chest pounding or bravado) and he laughs.

I think the girl (now to be known as S1GF for S1's girlfriend) is delightful. She is smart (4.4 GPA), funny, has a ton of common sense (not always found in terribly bright people by the way), and the best part......she thinks I am amazing :). Yep....S1 was teasing me about putting me in a home for old people, she smacked him and said if she had anything to say about it, I would never be put in a home. I think I love this girl.

Where it will go is anyone's guess, but for the happiness of my son and the peace she brings him, I hope it goes where he wants it to, wherever that may be. They have run into some interesting issues because of the fact that they are a biracial couple. It amazes me that in 2010 that is still an issue for some people. My own family for instance.

Remember my brother? Yeah. He's still an ass. I had to tell him about S1GF because when he shows up here this summer it would be very likely that he would walk in and say something REALLY stupid and then we would have to kill him, and then I would have to have the carpets cleaned again.

When I told him, his response.....priceless. "What? They run out of white girls in Ohio?". I hung up on him. Yes. I really did. He is such a tasteless moron. It defies me that we have any genetic material in common.

Honestly, when I told S1GF about him and the fact that he will undoubtedly say something obnoxious, she laughed and said "bring it on". Did I mention that I love this girl? Though she did say it wouldn't be fair for her to fight with him as she would be trying to match wits with an unarmed man. So true. So true.

In the middle of all of this life crap, I also had my kitchen redone. Ripped out the old crappy counters (almost 20 years worth of cooking done there) and had some gorgeous granite installed. Photos will come when I get a chance.

So do you forgive me for not being around for a bit? If you find out who the person was that dropped me from their reader list, let them know I am back. I hate feeling unloved.

I have plenty more topics to cover so y'all come back soon.

Ohh yes. Yes I did.

I ran into an old friend at the grocery store earlier this evening. We both were at the service counter waiting to buy some stamps.

We were getting caught up, and when we were finished with our purchases, we moved over about 8 inches so we weren't blocking the counter.

She has just started selling real estate and I asked her how it was going. She told me that she actually showed the house next door to me, but the potential buyers felt that for the price point, it should be in perfect condition and it needs some paint and carpet (this is the house where we dog sat a few months back and the sweet pup was so distraught over his family being gone he had DIARRHEA all over the place. S3 was gagging and couldn't clean it up, so I did. It was disgusting.) Anyway, without giving you an exact asking price, lets just say it is what would be considered a home that an executive would buy. She also told me that it is a divorce situation....which didn't surprise me at all. Frankly the guy is kind of a toad. He never speaks unless he is at the door asking for our ladder. Zippo on personality, and frankly, S2 and I both think he is a pedop.hile He just gives us the creeps. (Yes, weirdos even live in expensive neighborhoods. Sadly at their asking price it could be years before they sell.)

So, she asked me what the guy did for a living. I told her where he worked and she queried how on earth he could afford that home (his position is more one of community service type job than actual employment). I told her that his wife is VP of a huge national corporation, and she was the one with the bucks.

She then surmised that the reason he hasn't done any interior sprucing is that he really doesn't want to sell because he will probably be moving to a less desirable area. I told her it was because he is a lazy slob.

Guess who was standing behind me at the service counter. Yep. Lazy slob.

Yes folks. This crazy shit happens to me all the time. I almost choked trying not to laugh. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, as he was LITERALLY 8 inches from me. If he had farted I would have felt it. When my friend saw me with the OH SHIT look on my face, and in fact I actually uttered those words, she instantly knew. We walked away practically hyperventilating.

When we were a safe distance away I asked her how long he had been standing there (my back was to him) and she had no idea. Believe me, with me telling her where he worked and in the next breath telling her where the wife worked......I can guarantee you there are no other people in our town with those EXACT jobs. He not only knew I was talking about him, but that I figured out he is a lazy slob.

I came home and told BigD, S2 and S3 what happened and we were all laughing so hard we were crying. Truth be told, when we saw the Realtor sign go up in the yard the OHN household did a little happy dance. I am betting he won't miss us either :)

I need opinions...seriously. This is long and involved but I need help.**update

I have a dilemma and sincerely would appreciate input from any of you reading this.

I need to decide if my attending a funeral would help or hurt.

Here is the back story. A few years ago one of my employees became more than an employee, she became a friend. She was going through a messy divorce from her (executive) alcoholic husband. She spent many hours telling me about their situation and told me time and time again how much she appreciated my friendship and allowing her to vent. This mess went on for a couple of years.

After her husband moved out of their beautiful new home, she was just starting to settle in, as a soon to be single parent to her kids. The youngest was 2. One day, the ex called her at work (she is a Nur.se Prac.titioner with her own patient base) and he threatened to kill himself. She called his parents and they arrived at the home, to find that he had in fact hung himself in the garage. (he had been told that day by his superior, that he needed to get his shit together, get treatment or his job would be eliminated....he was an executive for a local company)

At the time BigD was working a shift at our local hospital. When he arrived and saw this mans name as a DOA, he called me, knowing that I would want to help my friend. It was time for the kids to arrive home from school, and the house was being treated as a crime scene and BigD was very worried that the kids would come home to that.

I immediately called my friend, and asked if she wanted me to come over and snag up the kids or anything. After a minute, she asked "how did you hear?". I told her BigD was at the hospital and he had called concerned for the children. Her mother was on the way to intercept the kids so my help wasn't needed at that time.

Because BigD heard about the death while he was working at the hospital, and because he called me (even though it was not gossip, but sincere concern for the kids), the deceased man's parents went ballistic, and my friend wasn't too thrilled either. They were fearful that word would get out that their son/husband had committed suicide. (keep in mind, this is a fairly small community and you can't fart without your neighbor knowing). Anyhow, one thing led to another and the victims parents, and my friend, demanded that the hospital fire BigD as he had violated H.IPAA by calling me with the "news". BigD tried to explain that once a suicide call goes out over the p.olice radio, it is public knowledge, hence H.IPAA wasn't violated, but the hospital feared a lawsuit so they told BigD they were very sorry but that he was out. Since it was just an "off-d.uty" job, it really wasn't a huge deal to us, but it made us sad that he was let go, for trying to do the right thing at the time. This all transpired about 3 years ago. The friend had to quit working part-time for me and concentrate on building her own client base, as the s.uicide left her without any life/health insurance etc.

This morning, BigD called me to tell me that my friends 16 year old daughter and 13 year old son were in a horrific car accident going to school. The daughter was killed and the son, most likely, will not survive.

I am absolutely sick for this mom. I simply cannot imagine the devastating news she got this morning. I can't think about anything else.

The thing I need help with is deciding if it would be appropriate for me to attend calling hours or the funeral. She and I never argued, but it was made pretty clear that she was upset that I knew about her husbands death before it became public knowledge. Now, she has lost her daughter. I certainly don't want to upset her more, if my being there will remind her of her ex's situation. But I also feel that she is going to need to see that people care.

Please let me know your honest opinion. Feel free to pose this to your own friends and see if they have an opinion. I am really stuck on this one.

**I just got a call that the 13 year old boy died this morning at 8:57. His mother signed organ donation papers. So many people will have their lives begin again today, as this boys life ends. I cannot imagine the devastating grief of this mom.

I know, I KNOW!

I have been conspicuously absent from here. Not to worry. I am still kicking and have several snarky posts in my head. But, right now, I need to write a quick letter to the girl that was in my family room last night.

Dear girl whose name I can't remember:

I see you sitting on my couch, gazing adoringly at my almost 20 year old son, and know what you are thinking. You are picturing your wedding day. You probably have your bridesmaids picked out. I hate to burst your bubble, but my son has never mentioned your name before, consequently, I would hold off ordering your gown for the big day. Chances are he went back to school today and he will probably text you, or send you f.acebook messages, but trust me, you aren't "the one". I am pretty sure I would know your name if you were.

P.S. It was pretty awkward when I walked in the room (the room that has no wall between it and the kitchen) and saw you rubbing my sons thigh. Please don't do that again. And if you have to do that, please at least STOP or look embarrassed, not look like you are ready to rip off his/your clothes.

Sincerely,

Not your future mother-in-law.

The giveaway winner is.........

Tina! from http://www.littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com

So, you know why.....the panel consisted of several males. The fact that Tina actually PLANNED on putting out, well, that made her a clear winner in their eyes.

So, I guess the floosy wins :)

Tina...send me your address again. I probably have it somewhere, on some device, but I am too lazy to look.

Awards and such

Over the last couple of months that my life has revolved around the chaos that it has been, I have been very lax in thanking the lovelies that have bestowed upon me glorious awards. So, without further adieu I would like to thank Preppy Player http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com and my friend DD http://knockuout.wordpress.com for the new little decorations on the side of my blog.

But, these things don't come for free. Nope. I have to dig deep into my soul and bare it for all of you. So, first I will tackle Preppys:

The Rules: 1. List 10 things that make you happy. (and grateful)

2. Top 10 bloggers that brighten your day. (like the sun coming thru the clouds)

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. S1.

2. S2.

3. S3. (okay...so taking a spot for each kid....that's a cheating a little bit, but they each make me happy with all their individual idiosyncrasies, ideas, thoughts, mannerisms, and on and on....besides it is my list so I can use up as many spots as I want for whatever-deal with it).

4. My animals. Well, pretty much all animals. They fascinate me and at the same time, they make me into "the weird lady down the street that talks to the animals". I have been known to talk to other families dogs when they are pooping in my yard. Usually is is something along the lines of 'GO SHIT IN YOUR OWN YARD...YOUR PEOPLE ARE INCONSIDERATE AND STUPID'.

5. Funny television. Right now I am hooked on Psych. It is one of those shows that if you don't really pay attention to the dialog and delivery, you miss a lot. Funny funny show.

6. Smart people. I love to be surrounded by smart people. People that don't have a clue, well, just walk on by, because you give me a sore neck from all the head shaking I have to do.

7. My DVR. Next to the discovery of knowledge that you can make cocoa beans into chocolate, the DVR is the best invention ever. Commercials turn my brain to mush.

8. Making people smile. I take it as a personal challenge when I am somewhere and the clerk/receptionist/whatever is a grumpy nasty person. I engage them in a conversation and am nauseatingly sweet and refuse to walk away till they at least crack the teeniest of smiles. It is a gottcha moment for me. Kinda like a notch on the bedpost.

9. Food. Oh dear god I love food.

10. Being on the beach. There really aren't too many things that are better than having my ass on the beach, reading a good book, watching my "adult" children play in the water, check out girls, tell awful disgusting jokes and just be with me. I know that before long they will have wives and kids and lives. I have to cherish the moments now.

10 1/2. Big D. He is like the saying my mom used to say "when he is good, he is very very good...when he is bad, he is horrid" (this was actually part of a rhyme about a girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead). This May we will have been married 29 years, so, lots of ups and downs are inevitable, but most of the time, he is my rock.

10 Bloggers That Make Me Smile: (I will preface this list by saying there are WAY more than 10, but I am only allowed to name 10 and some of them are private, so...here they are:

1.Eden http://edenriley.blogspot.com

2. Patty http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com

3. Jerry http://monologuewriter.blogspot.com

4. Tina http://littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com

5. Lorrie http://ournameisblog.blogspot.com

6. Thystle http://www.missthystle.com

7. Deathstar http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com

8. Cranky http://crankylitprof.wordpress.com

9. Kat http://www.mamakatslosinit.com

10. Ina http://ina-offret.blogspot.com

Be sure, these are not even close to all of the ones I peruse and laugh with, provoke thoughts, have great ideas, photos, locations, etc., but these are the ones that popped into my empty morning head.

Now, on to DD's. Hers involves me revealing 7 things about myself. While most people don't like memes....I love to talk about myself (in fact I think that meme should be called memememememememe, cuz they are all about me).

1. I am a fanatic about animals. When I see someone that I don't think is a good dog/cat owner, in my head, I secretly plot a way to get the animal a better home.

2. I have a huge issue with a busy mind. Even when I don't want to be thinking about something, it never shuts down. It flings from one thing to the next and in the length of time it takes to fill a glass of water, I will typically have had at least 10 thoughts/ideas/memories/CONVERSATIONS (yes, I have conversations in my OWN head with how people (mostly BigD) is going to respond to any comment I make. It can be exhausting. I have been told by friends that I most likely have A.D.D. though, I am able to completely focus when I am reading a good book. All the noise in my head goes away.

3.If it contains chocolate, I will most likely eat it.

4.I have recently been friend-ed on Fbook by a few high school acquaintances and am completely shocked that each one has told me that they remember me as very nice and kind to everyone. My memories of high school lean more toward the fact that I was terrified almost every day (not a safety issue...it was a private girls school, with a graduating class of 83 girls...and really, when we are all stuck wearing uniforms, how scary could it have been???).....I was the most insecure, quiet, daydreamer ever.

5.Though I love animals, I never owned a cat until I was 42. I bought into all the "they are sneaky" "they are loners", "they make the house smell".....then S1 rescued a starving kitty from a tree, brought him home and I realized all those people that were telling me that stuff are full of shit. Ours is sweet, loving, 'talks' to us on an hourly basis, DOES NOT jump on counters, cuddles with the dogs, and HATES to have a used litter box. Consequently, I clean it every morning and every night, and when people come over, unless he comes out to say hi, they have no idea a kitty owns this house.

6. I was engaged TWICE before I met BigD. (see, I told you I was insecure. I figured if I didn't say yes when asked, they would disappear and I would be a haggard old spinster). One of them had the life long goal of being promoted to the dayshift at the plant so he could hang with his buddies at the pool hall at night. Wonder why I let this one go. The other one. Wow, that should actually be a post in itself. In a nutshell, we met, he was 13 years old than me, I thought he was so cosmopolitan. He had been married 3 times before (that should have been a teeny hint to me, but, nah, I thought it was all the wives fault) Turns out, the whole time we were engaged, he was engaged to someone else. We had an argument one Sunday morning, he didn't call later and I was starting to think that maybe we should wait to get married. Fast forward 6 weeks. I get a letter in the mail from HIS WIFE, with a copy of their wedding announcement, including a photo, that was published in the paper. Yes people, he was engaged to both of us at the same time. Let's just say, I really dodged a bullet on that one. (Years after, I found out he had lied to me over and over and over again when we were together.....one of his wives was actually in the J.ohn B.elushi drug circle when he died, this guy who had told me he really wanted to have kids with me----had had a vas.ectomy and had 2 daughters already.....and those are just two of the highlights of his lies. The only thing he ever told me that was true was that I was too good for him. I shoulda listened sooner!

7.I am really scared to die. Not the actual dying part. The part where I won't be here. I don't want to miss out on things. I don't want my boys to have the kind of pain I had when my own mom died. I am insecure about the afterlife. Is there really a place I go when I am done here? I would like to have proof. I am not big on "really, just believe me" scenarios. Also, the whole "I'll be watching over you" thing......kinda creepy.

Now I need to get 7 of you to give up the goods. I am not going to pick you, because I don't want you pissed at me (yeah, those damn insecurities again) but if you would be so kind, we would all like to know more about you. Really. Seriously. After I just bared my soul, it is the least you could do.