Saturday, August 28, 2010

Things are sucky..or is it suckie?

I have been absent here for quite some time. Along with being busy things have just been sucky/suckie at chez OHN for a bit.

To be honest, I really don't know what is going on. I am sure there is a component of unsettledness (yes, it is a new word that I will petition Webster to add)to my emotional state with S1 and S2 both being basically gone and on their own for real this time. S1 is working and finishing up his degree a couple of classes at a time. When the job was offered, it was a stepping stone to what he really wants to do, so he would have been nuts to turn it down.

S2 is transferring schools to have a shot at getting into a co-op program for an amazing opportunity. The agency he is aiming for only hires every 5-8 years and there are 5x as many applicants as there are positions. This acceptance into the co-op guarantees you a spot after graduation (provided you don't turn out to be a terr.orist, or some other unswarthy creature). He met the 3 BIG GUYS in charge for this area of the country and they all were courting him. They loved what they saw in him and he has been on cloud 9.

So, obviously they are doing well....so why am I in such a funk?

I will tell you. BigD has been a shithead to me for about a month now. No matter the question I ask, even simple like..."do you want me to fix something to eat?"...is met with a growl and a snappy answer. I tell you, it is getting REALLY old.

We had a period in our marriage 12 years ago that we almost split. Nobody knows. At that time he said he just wasn't happy, (and there was some other crap too involving sharing his feelings with a female friend...feelings he should have been sharing with me~~that is a post I have yet to write, but think I will because it is an important topic). We were able to work things out, but ever since then I haven't felt quite the same about him. There is always that lingering hurt and anger. Do I love him? Yeah, I do. Does he love me? Yeah, he does. But I also don't know how long I am willing to tolerate being treated like my presence is an annoyance. When I try to ask him about it, he gets irritated (just like asking about dinner)then 2 hours later he is telling me he loves me. I have whiplash people.

His father, near the end of his life, treated his wife (bigD's mom) like this too. I always vowed that I would never allow myself to be on the receiving end of gruff, grunted answers.

I am not old. Okay, compared to some of you I am VERY old, but I am not to the point in my life where I can look ahead and see the next 20-30+ years being an appendage rather than a partner.

He says "nothing" when I ask what is going on. He says he is tired, stressed etc....this is a man that loves to laugh and lately isn't seeing joy in very much. I even made a couple of doctor appointments for him. He has been on a very mild anti.depressant for years and I don't think it is effective any more. I am tempted to spike his water with a high dose.

This whole grumpy attitude is apparent to more than just me. The boys have all asked, in some form, "what the hell is dad's problem?" So, it isn't just me. In fact I had to convince S2 not to come to my defense. (the two of them are very alike, strong willed, thick skulled etc). He told me he can't promise that the next time he is here, if his dad snaps at me, that he won't come unglued and tell his dad to knock it off. I really don't want my 20 year old fighting for my honor. It doesn't sit well with me.

So, that is the main reason I haven't been here. The funks. I am going to try to get BigD alone at some point today or tomorrow (that's another issue, I refuse to talk to him about anything that will spark a loud conversation when S3 is home. He is a really sensitive kid and his world as a high school sop.homore doesn't need to be rocked. He loves us both and it is really hard on him even when voices are raised about minor things, let alone marital crap) Honestly...it is quite possible that as soon as I finish posting this, BigD will come down and be delightful. It is the see-saw effect. I never know which guy is going to walk through the door, and it is sucky...or is it suckie?

10 comments:

Yo-yo Mama said...

If he's being a jerk even when not under question, then him being a crab while you talk to him about your concerns shouldn't put you off. If he gets mad or defensive, that's HIS response. It's not because you caused it. He's withholding something.

You definitely don't need to be walking on eggshells in your own home. Fuck that noise.

awomanmyage said...

I think your instincts are correct. There is something up. The problem with examining your feelings with your spouse is that they will almost always take the brunt of the shit. I speak from personal experience. I know I've been guilty of snapping DH's head off more than a few times. And at other times, he acts like me not wiping the counters is an invitation to locusts.

And if you need someone to vent to, I am here for you. Good luck.

Tina said...

Go with your gut, It's normally never wrong. We're all here for ya. xo

Gaston Studio said...

You guys definitely need to communicate, so go with your instincts. Life is too short!

preppyplayer said...

I agree with the others, trust your instincts.
Male menopause is real and he is at a turning point too.
Empty nest looming. Sons seizing opportunities. Some men become depressed at this time in their life when they realize they might not achieve all their goals. His "funk" is probably not about the two of you but more about himself.
As for him having a past "emotional" relationship with someone else. I do think that it is as hurtful as a physical one, but more forgivable.
I agree with you, have a sitdown and reestablish YOUR emotional relationship with him. From everything you have written I feel like he is a good man. And, I know you are a good person, I think you guys will work it out :)

Jenny from Chicago said...

Hello dear, haven't visited for a while but when I read this post I knew I had to comment.

I don't have any great advice (I'm still in the middle of a divorce but wouldn't recommend it) but I can tell you that you aren't alone. The blogosphere is a great listener. Use us.

Unknown Mami said...

I hope things are getting better. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Maybe he does need to up his meds. One thing is for sure, he needs to acknowledge that something is going on because obviously he is behaving inconsistently and often unpleasantly and you can't be expected to just take it and pretend like nothing is wrong. Good luck.

Guera said...

sounds a little bi polar too. A doctor's visit is definitely in order if you can convince him. That's no way to live for either one of you.

Dr. Deb said...

I don't think spelling counts when you're in a funk. I agree with the others, don't let his issue make you feel that it is has something to do with you.

Jerry Perisho said...

HUGS!