ME? You want to know about ME?

I don't usually do memes but my buddy Deathstar ( http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com/) sent out a challenge and I don't back down from a good challenge. Plus, I am trying to avoid some boring projects.

ABC meme

A. Age: 53 (not sure when I sailed past 32)

B. Bed size: King. I need my space.

C. Chore you dislike: Windows. Even with that windex crap you rig to a hose my windows looks bad. I have 39 windows (plus ones that never get cleaned because they are not reachable) so it is a huge pain in my ass to do windows.

D. Dogs: Two. I have had solos all my life, but once I got a second, I vowed to have two at all times for the rest of my life. Would you want to be the only human in a house of dogs????

E. Essential start to your day: Cold L.ipton green tea, or white raspberry tea. I had a peach S.napple addition that I had to break. Even now when I cruise down the tea aisle in the store I have to tell myself to keep walking past the beloved S. Oh, and I hate coffee. All kinds. (except for the caramel frappé at McD's...but that kills my guts)

F. Favorite color: If its clothes, probably blue, though I don't have any. I wear a lot of black, though don't particularly like it.

G. Gold or silver: I wear both. At the same time. So there fashionistas who say it is a faux pas.

H. Height: I use to be 5'6", now am creeping down to 5'5". Before I die, I suspect I will be 2'4"

I. Instruments you play(ed): Piano lessons x 1 year, organ lessons x 1 year (yeah, still hate my mother for that one..she may as well have tattooed dork on my forehead)

J. Job title: Job seeker.

K. Kids: Yes. Three. That I always wanted and never thought I would have.

L. Live: Midwest, where it is cold more often than not. I crave beaches. The only thing keeping me here is kids. I need to convince them that island living is the way to go.

M. Mom’s name: Can't say. Too unusual and googleable.

N. Nicknames: Punky, Pookie, and sometimes punkypoo.

O. Overnight hospital stays: I don't remember them all, but they all had to do with either trying to get pregnant, trying to stay pregnant or delivering the results of the prior two.

P. Pet peeves: Stupidity. There is no reason, for anyone, to ever be stupid. Also, people that don't wash their hands. Howie Mandel is my hero.

Q. Quote from a movie: "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch"

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. I only have a left hand to balance my body. Other than that, it is useless.

S. Siblings: One. Oy-vey.

T. Time you wake up: 5:50 am during the week. 7:00 am on weekends. Yes, to me that IS sleeping in.

U. Underwear: If I have to leave the house...you know, for that accident my mom always warned me about.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: cruciferous

W.What makes you run late: WAITING FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I am always on-time or early.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Pick a body part. They have all been irradiated.

Y. Yummy food you make: I'm a baker. Love to bake. I make up massive batches of cookie dough, make little balls and freeze them so I can make cookies whenever I want without making a mess. (You're welcome, it IS a great idea.)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Monkeys. I want to sneak in at night and set them all free. I think they are more intelligent than many people I know.

So, there you go.

Newly marrieds??

You might want to click away. I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to rip that bloom off your rose and tell you that someday, you will realize that your now perfect husband, really never was perfect, and truly does not fart rainbows and unicorns.

I found myself having to take S3 to school this morning (car issues--don't get me started on that) and for most of the ride I was explaining to him (okay, so it was more of a rant) that before he gets married he should go buy and do everything he thinks he will ever want to buy and do..because once he is married you have another person in your life that thinks they are allowed to have an opinion.

As you know over a year ago we started our kitchen re-do. I found the perfect granite in 15 minutes at the granite place. It took BigD over a month to decide that he picked it out and it was perfect. Next came the sink. Then lord-help-me the light fixtures. I found all of them and it took him weeks to decide they were perfect.

When I see something I like, I know it. I don't need to think about it twice. If I do, then it is obvious to me that I must not like it enough.

Which leads me to the kitchen table. Right now, we have our dining room table in the kitchen, and subsequently have an empty dining room. We only use the dining room when we are forced to host holiday feasts, other than that we are kitchen people.

BigD hates our dining room set. It was my grandmothers...and before you can say ewwwww, it must be dated, and old and ugly...it isn't. It is old, but it is hand-carved oak and gorgeous. It is a small set, because people used to be smaller, ya know? So it fits in our kitchen but BigD hates it. Fine, lets get a new kitchen set. Simple huh?

Shit.

I have been looking for months. I keep emailing possible sets to myself and showing them to him. He doesn't like any. He wants metal. Yes, I said metal. We have a tusc.an kitchen, cracked walls, exposed brick, dark granite, dark brownish cast iron sink, cherry cabinets, new black/bronze hardware, black fridge, and yes, the light fixtures are a dark antique bronze (think powdercoat) with warm fluted inverted globes.Trust me, a metal table would not fit the vibe of the kitchen at all. I haven't seen any that aren't too small, or that don't have a glass top. If you knew my crowd, you would know that it would be easier to keep an elephant pen at the zoo cleaner than a glass top table in our kitchen.

Also, I want something that we can put a leaf in when all the boys and their girlfriends/spouses/et. al arrive for a meal. All the sets I see with metal are 4 chairs. So if you do the math, me, BigD and three sons, (not including their upcoming families), someone needs to sit on the floor. (I vote BigD). I found a very pretty set that was a combination of black and cherry (hmmmm, sounds like it would really look great in a kitchen with cherry cabinets and black hardware) and he said "that's not what I had in mind".

I am just so sick of all the crap. He made the statement last year that I had no opinion on the types of plantings he wants to do outside....that's HIS area. Well, fuck you very much.

Before you tell me to just go ahead and get what I want because the kitchen is MY area...note that he still is angry about something that happened (minor) 25 years ago and every chance he gets he brings it up. I am married to a child.

So, I decided this morning I am done. I won't look any more and next year I will be writing a post about BigD finding this lovely cherry and black set that would be perfect. Except by then, they won't be available.

I still swear, being a lesbian is the way to go.....if I didn't have to have sex with women.

Have you ever

put something in the fridge, something that you ate 1/2 of for dinner the night before, only to get your mouth all prepared for it's greasy goodness for breakfast, and find that some inconsiderate SOB ate it? WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING.

I had it wrapped up, stuck up on the top shelf, and BigD knew it was mine. S3 and I had to make a run to a neighboring town last night and they happen to have a Fi.ve Guys burger place (soooo good and soooo bad for you). Since we don't make this trip often, when we do, we stop and pick up the burgers. I CALLED BigD to see if he wanted one. Nope. Not hungry. That is, until I fell asleep and he snuck his sorry ass down to the kitchen and ate my dinner/breakfast.

Ordinarily anything in the fridge is fair game, but, the fridge at this moment is full of food, (Italian meatloaf, various veggies, au gratin potatoes, various fruits, roasted chicken, ham etc) yet he chose MY 1/2 burger to satisfy his nocturnal munchies. If you are wondering why I only ate 1/2, it's because they are big. Really big. While I could have eaten the whole thing, and even licked the wrapping, I don't want to gain back the tonnage that I have lost.

I called BigD at work and asked him if he was guilty. He said "yeah, I was hungry", then had the nerve to say "remember that leftover donut from a couple of weeks ago, I wanted that and when I went to eat it, it was gone" OHHHH, I get it. One donut from a box of 12 (of which he had already eaten a few) that was put on the counter for anyone to enjoy is exactly the same as eating someones dinner.

OH, and just last week he was telling me how he really wanted to lose weight. He needs to. He is walking heart attack waiting to happen. (don't judge me for having any treats in the house, if I don't, he pouts and whines and gets actually pissed--no, he isn't 12, but at times his age is questionable). Remember, I am NOT his mother. I love sweets. I would probably have convulsions if I didn't have them...often. BUT, I don't eat all of them at once and I buy the least fattening treats I can----with the exception of Fat Tue.sday. Baby, that day, I will eat all the custard filled, chocolate iced poonchkies I can find.

So, I had to settle for a breakfast that was nowhere near as delightful as my grilled onion and mayo cheeseburger would have been. Remember, he said he didn't want a burger. I thought mine was safe. Now I know better. It's war.

Surgery, love and job loss

S1 had surgery this week. He has been having problems for YEARS with his sinuses and has been telling everyone that he couldn't breathe at all out of his LEFT nostril. **

**This is as far as I got with this post that I started WEEKSago...those of you that know me on Fbook, have heard some of this. I can't believe how long it has been since I have come here and bitched about something.

The story gets much more interesting. To continue......he ended up having a golf ball removed from his RIGHT sinus. Okay, it wasn't really a golf ball, but the whateveritwas was the same size. It took about an hour and a half with teensy little instruments shoved up his nose and into the sinus to remove it. They doctor casually said while S1 was signing the consent, that they are working very closely to the brain and eyes during this procedure and there was always the chance that one of them could be damaged. Nice.

So if you noticed, I said he was having trouble for years with the left side, but the whateveritwas was on the right. Poor kid. The whateveritis took up the ENTIRE sinus cavity so no air was being exchanged there......and on the left side, his airway was as thin as a hair. I can only imagine how smart he would be if his brain had actually been getting oxygen all these years. We then found out that to correct the thin airway they had to break his nose. Lovely.

So, we were a week out...all was good...then the panicked phone call came. He woke up on day 7, rolled over and started gushing blood out of his nose. Now, S1 has a very low panic threshold when it comes to medical things so I didn't panic until I heard his girlfriend in the background talking about the amount of blood. It was obviously time for a trip to the hospital.

They went to the car, but we had an ice storm and the car was frozen. Did you know that panicking when you are bleeding makes you bleed more? Now you do. It became obvious that 9-1-1 needed to be called. They came, transported to podunk general in S1's town. The ER couldn't stop the bleeding so they called the surgeon (40 miles away) to see what they should do. His order was to get him back in the ambulance and bring him to realhospital where the surgery had been done.

Needless to say I was at the hospital before the ambulance arrived. S1 looked like hell when he arrived and my heart rocketed up to my throat. It doesn't matter how old your kid is, he is still your kid. They got him a room and we waited. We waited for him to quit bleeding, then when he did quit bleeding we waited for it to stay quit, or whatever you call it.

He was in for 4 nights. 4 very long nights. Not because of him, he was doing great. His room mate was a drug seeking, loud, demanding SOB. The nurses were so patient with this guy but at one point even they were done with him and told him he was cut off from his drugs. The one drawback, is the only time he was quiet was when he was stoned, so we were in for more obnoxiousness.

So S1 was discharged, and because this had scared the shit out of him, and the surgeon said no work for a week, he came home instead of going to his apartment. I have loved having him here, but this is the part we come to the too much cooking and laundry. You see, his girlfriend is here too. She is wonderful, we have grown to love her, but I have also learned that she really doesn't get the concept of day to day things. She is very smart, but not too bright. Last night she ate late and didn't bother to put the milk, burgers, cheese etc in the fridge before she went to bed. I got up this morning and they were all on the kitchen counter. I have seen a little pattern developing here. Lessons in housekeeping will be given but I will be so slick about it, she won't even know. She will wake up one day and it will all be in her head.

While S1 was recuping at home he asked me how to tell if a diamond is a good one. HUH??? Oh shit, I knew where this was leading. So, we sat and talked about size vs quality vs price, picking it out ahead or asking then letting her pick it, and I really didn't want to say too much. I don't want it to come back and bite me in the ass, so I gave him several answers and told him to pick one. He has to save a bit more (he is a cash and carry kind of guy) but he is ready. SHE IS THE ONE. He is trying to think of a good place/way to ask her....romantic but not uncomfortable...memorable but not over the top.

Thankfully we love her (except for the lack of common sense in the home area) and it will be a good match (I hope). For her birthday we went out to dinner with her dad, brother, and grandparents and had a blast. I am sure the waiter hated us, and the 6 tables surrounding us were hanging on every word BigD and BigE (same line of work so there was a lot of shop talk going on) were saying. I am sure we looked like a motley bunch from I.rish to Afri.can Ameri.can with skin tones from pale as a marshmallow, to dark as the night and none of us stopped talking for a minute. I'm gonna like these people :-)

So, the announcement was made public on Tuesday at work.....doc is closing his office and joining a group. So, where does that leave me you ask?? Who the hell knows. He said we will be offered positions at the (established with full staff) group, but they may or may not be: our same position, our same pay-scale, our same location..blah, blah, blah. So with gas hovering around $3.50 a gallon, none of the satellite offices would make sense unless I would get a significant bump in pay. Since I still have my business (though it is swirling down the proverbial drain with changes in healthcare) I don't want a typical 9-5 M-F job. Not because I think I am too good for that, just because I do have commitments to the remaining clients I have to still complete their work.

In a perfect world I would snag new clients and be able to work from home and only shower when necessary. My second choice would be to sleep with one of the practice partners and take pictures, and tell him that if I didn't get to stay in the local office, with a raise, work M-F but only from 7-12, the wife would get the shots of my glorious self with her cheating SOB husband. Third I could go out and try to find a "real" job, but that's too much work.

The timing of this really couldn't be worse either. I am in the middle of redecorating two bedrooms and am only 1/2 way done. I have to finish because BigD has a big-wig muckety muck coming to town in May and he (and forgodssake, I just found out his wife) will be staying here. If it was just the guy I wouldn't be as stressed. But you all know that we women are judgmental bitches so things really have to look nice or I could be featured on a reality show...a cross between h.oarders and old whiny people. (Big-wig has a relative in that production arena).

So kids....that is a brief update on what is happening at chez OHN. There are many more things I will update, but right now I have to go figure out how to finish two bedrooms with things I find on peoples tree lawns, in the dark, the night before trash day.

The verdict is in

I have been absent for a good reason. (okay, laziness too)

I received an invitation from my county court system to grace them with my presence and to decide the fate of one of my peers. Not actually a person I know, but a peer in the sense of "jury of his peers" kinda thing.

BigD laughed at me when I excitedly told him. He said no way would I be selected because I am married to one who detects things. BULLSHIT I cried.

So, with my response questionnaire indicating that I did in fact receive their invitation, I also included a note to the judge. (One, who by the way has known BigD for about a zillion years). BigD's reaction when I told him I wrote the letter, well, I wish I had a camera. His face froze in that --oh shit, what did you say--look.

I very respectfully explained that just because I put a check in the box on the form where it asks if we are related to anyone in law enforcement, it certainly DID NOT mean that I was unable to make an intelligent, well informed, decision based on the facts of a case. I could have elaborated and said that I have known many an officer to screw up a report, or evidence or, whatever. I did hold my tongue (or pen, as the case may be).

So, on the reported day I sat in the potential jurors box with 59 strangers and we waited as questions were asked of the initial 8 chosen, then as they were dismissed for various reasons, they started picking from our reserve box. Since this was a civil case, I had a better chance that I would be one of the 8 finalists (I like to think of it as a competition), and I was, and I was elected the queen...I mean the foreperson.

They instruct you not to make any opinions or decisions until ALL of the facts of the case were presented. Okay, now, if you are human, this is probably not possible. What person doesn't check out the defendant, and the plaintiff? We all do. I had a very open mind, but a quick glance at each, showed a stark difference in their appearances, probable educational opportunities completed for each, and mannerisms that seemed to yell out loud. Once each took the stand, these impressions became even more pronounced.

Then a funny thing happened. Each lawyer started talking. The plaintiffs attorney was soft spoken, but passionate. I didn't think I liked him, but by the end decided that if I ever needed a lawyer I would look him up. The defendants attorney was slick. Very well dressed in an expensive suit, handsome, and had it all going on.......until he opened his mouth. He talked down to the jury like we were 4th graders, he kept losing his glasses, repeated the same inconsequential information over and over. Maybe in his experience that is the level of intelligence of juries he has known, but it wasn't the case in our pool. So, while the defendant was a wormish guy with , he had a slick attorney. The plaintiff was a well educated professional woman, with a lawyer that started out being a weenie but we all agreed in deliberations that he was actually a far superior lawyer than the expensive suit.

Lost yet?

So, the case. D (defendant) ran a light, hitting two cars, including the P (plaintiff) who was sitting at a stop light. She stated that the collision (as the attorney kept calling it) caused her considerable back pain, spasms, and had altered her lifestyle. For a year she was unable to pick up her kids and had to spend considerable time in physical therapy, having injections (which were vividly and dramatically described as being ENORMOUS needles injected into the spine, and her insurance didn't cover her medical bills, with a deficit of about $7000. The attorney asked that we consider her loss of life enjoyment and recommended that we find in her favor for about $25,000. He stated this would help her become whole again.

Medical records were produced to show the testing, therapy, medications etc that she endured since the collision. This was interesting because where some in the courtroom were confused or unsure of the terminology and what it all meant, for me, it was like brushing my teeth. None of it was foreign and I explained a few things during deliberations that were stated to us in a manner that would (and did) make a few jurors feel that her injuries were horrendous. Actually, the medical records played a big role in our decision too. She admitted that she had back problems in 2000, but none since. While reviewing her PT records, the therapist (who by the way, had fabulous detailed notes....much better than any physician) mentioned that the patient told her that she had "flares" of her back issues during both of her pregnancies. These actual records were not shown to us, in fact were were told "the plaintiff hadn't seen a doctor since 2000" but she obviously had to see one a few times during pregnancy. Things started to not add up.

The real deal breaker in deliberations though, were the details of the damage to her car. With all of her debilitating issues, and the descriptions of the way her life was altered, we expected that at the least, her car would be a mess. In reality, the only, ONLY damage was a broken driver side mirror. Yep. This life altering accident hadn't even scratched the side of her car, it merely knocked off the mirror. $198 repair.

All of us agreed that while the defendant was a goofy weirdo, and did cause the accident, the accident most likely did not cause of the plaintiffs back pain. She had it in 1998, 2000, had it during two pregnancies (her youngest was 2 at the time of the accident) and could have hurt her back doing something as simple as getting out of a chair. The evidence was simply not here.

We found the defendant was guilty of causing the accident by running the light (at one point he couldn't tell the difference between 10 feet and 75 yards.....yeah, like I said he was goofy), but we didn't award the plaintiff any damages.

So, going into the trial with opening arguments, my first impression was that this was going to be a fairly simple case, and by the end I just hoped that if I were ever a defendant or plaintiff, that the jury was actually awake and paying attention.

Things are not always what they seem. I know people make jokes about jury duty, and lie and connive to get out of reporting, but honestly, I would do it again and again.

I may be screwed...and not the good way

Firstly...Happy 2011 everyone. I hope it is the best year for you and many wonderful things happen. If not, well find someone to blame.

So, to todays topic. I got ANOTHER email forward from BigD. It's ANOTHER O.bama is the devil/anti'christ/muslim/terrorist...etc. It really hit a nerve. I firmly believe that everyone should be allowed their own beliefs and freedom of speech. I also believe that I don't have to agree.

Let me tell you firstly...I do not think our President is outstanding. I don't think he is satan either. This most recent email questioned something that a very simple g.oogle search would clarify or demolish. I made a decision that will most likely cause marital ramifications as BigD never thinks he is wrong. Ever.

I am on the list of "forwards" that he sends these emails too....a list of hundreds. BigD, because of his career and involvement with several organizations has many email contacts. Most are government type employees, or friends of long-standing. Well......this morning I sorta snapped and hit the dreaded (or cherished) 'reply-all' button and proceeded to very sweetly (taking his feelings well into account) tell him that he needs to quit buying into the rhetoric and chicken-little emails that he receives and forwarding them BEFORE even wondering if they are true.

He is of the thought that if it is written....well hell, it must be true. This drives me insane. He needs to get off the bandwagon and sit down and really think about what he KNOWS, and if he doesn't know, take the time (maybe 2-5 seconds) to do a quick online search to see if what he is forwarding is factual.

So, I typed a sweet reply all, non-confrontational, not degrading (though the snark in me was dying to leap onto the keyboard) and told him that he is a smart man and to check his facts. I then kindly asked him (and the hundreds of people on his email list) to read the following article and give it some thought. So, now I ask you to do the same. I would love to know what you think.

http://ireaderreview.com/2011/01/01/ot-divide-and-conquer-vs-shared-purpose (this blog is also a terrific one to subscribe to for free books for your K.indle---this person sends out an email several times a week with lists of current (many genre) books that are free on A.mazon for a short period of time. I have found some great new authors reading a free book. Yeah, some are duds..but hey..free so I can delete if they don't snag my attention).

Feedback on the article please :-)

Gotten a "practical" gift from hubby? This is magnificent

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1543292789?bctid=3130509001

It'll never happen to me.....oh shit

It did.

All weekend I have been trying to check my checking account balance and the banks site wouldn't let me sign in. I wasn't too surprised because this is the same bank I had issues with earlier,,,,,though this was a website, not the local branch morons.

Yesterday I was busy so I waited until today to call the bank to see what was up.

They had frozen my account.

WHAT???!!!

I always balance to the penny and have about eight hundred bucks in there (wayyy more than normal) so WTF?

The bank rep told me to hold while she transferred me...........to the FRAUD department. If I were an old southern lady, I would have come down with a case of the vapors.

Apparently some lovely individual tried to use my debit card number to buy over $1500 worth of items at R.alph L.auren in London. The London that is in England. On the other side of the ocean. Since I don't have any gaps of time where I have been missing from home, chances are I wasn't the one in London. England. This was on the 19th of November. Today is the 30th. If the bank was suspicious enough to freeze the account, don't you think a quick call or email to me might be in order?? Shitheads.

So I spent the day deleting that card from any auto-pay feature at any online shopping place that I frequent. Pay-pal, A.mazon, etc. Now don't start lecturing me about the hazards of using a debit card online. I know. I preach that to the boys all the time. I will tell you that I do not EVER click on links in emails from anywhere requesting data... even if they tell me it is urgent or my recent purchase will implode-blah-blah-blah....I do not frequent questionable sites, my debit card is never out of my reach, and it has never been lost. I am what they call a "smart" consumer, well aware of phishing, spamming, I know to check the browser before I enter info to make sure it is a secure site and all that crap. So, this leaves me to wonder what happened. Obviously someone snagged my number (along with the 3 digits on the back-which is even worse) to attempt purchasing.

Did I tell you that as well as the $1500 attempt on the 19th, they also attempted to buy a bus ticket...again in London...YESTERDAY. This was only a $51 charge and the bank says that I need to file a dispute form to fight it. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD MY ACCOUNT FROZEN AT THE TIME. When I called the bank today, they said it was "in process". How it was "in process" on a frozen account is beyond me. Double shitheads.

So, no more debiting for me. Which really sucks because it was really nice to be able to use that for my little nonsense items like K.indle books at 99 cents or a fast trip to the store for milk. I don't want to use a credit card for teeny crap like that and I never have cash in my purse. According to my children "nobody" uses real checks any more (and I have actually heard those are more dangerous because they have your routing number and account number, which when used wisely by a savvy thief, could wipe you out. )

The FRAUD lady told me even she has been victimized the same way. Hers was linked back to using a card to pay for a burger....then all hell broke loose. She said people sometimes open a small checking account with a debit card and only keep enough in it that you are willing to lose, and make a deposit when you do want to use it. Yeah. Really convenient lady. So I need to plan ahead if I want to order that awesome pair of gently used crocs on ebay? What if it is Saturday night and the auction is over before Monday morning when I can make a deposit? If I lose out on those purple and yellow striped, form fitted, plasticey substance material shoes .....well, I can't even think about it.

So y'all have been warned.

a few quick things

I don't have time to elaborate on anything important.

There are a lot of important things happening here.

A week from tomorrow I officially lose my last big client. That means an additional loss of my income by 90%. This does not make a cheerful OHN. Before long, I won't be only-half-nuts....I will be full-blown-nuts. If people in this country knew what was really going on with health care, you would run screaming into the night.

A simple example of one issue......say you have a pesky little breas.t cancer. You see your doctor. He sends you to a surgeon that you aren't sure you like, but, heck, your family doctor sent you there so he must really like him. Yeah....not really.

Most likely your family doctor has a short list to pick from because he is in association with a large medical center, or the same "group". In our area the C.leveland C.linic, U.niversity H.ospitals, or S.umma Care System are the three biggies that are sucking up ALL the doctors. If your doc **belongs** to the Clinic, he isn't going to refer you to U.niversity, even if U has the BEST oncologist for your cancer. Sad and wrong on so many levels.

**yes, I mean belongs, because once you join them, you are on a salary that is commensurate with your numbers of patients seen, surgeries performed, number of referrals to others in your association etc. So, in effect they do own your doctor.

This last account I had was forced to join the Clinic. You are wondering how a physician can be forced?? Simple. If you don't join, and you are a specialist (ortho, uro, gyn etc) your referrals dry up. Specialists rely heavily on physician referrals. So unless they want to just hope for referrals by old patients (" hey Bill...go see Dr. Feelsalotofprostates, he is great") they are screwed. No patients means no practice.

Ironically, my last account...is a wonderful man that HATES the fact that he will now be salaried and told what paintings he is allowed to hang in his office (no, I am NOT kidding, there is actually a list he is to select from that are accepted by his new "boss"). He will be forced to use their internal charting system so OHN is out. I honestly think he feels almost as badly as I do about it.

So, there's that.

S3 got his license this week. Need I say more? He is a great kid, extremely careful, but very very green. I give it till Christmas before I get the call that a portion of my car is deformed in some manner.

S1 told me he is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. My first question was if she was pregnant. She's not. Apparently her parents are freaking out that she is basically living with him and said they wouldn't mind if she was engaged. I tried to explain to S1 that there needs to be a little bit better reason to get engaged, than getting her mom and dad off her back. S1 will be 22 this week and she is 21. They are wonderful together, and most likely WILL end up together, but sheesh....

S2 is overloaded with school, internship, and work. The whole time he was ranting, I was thinking "yep bud, get used to it...it's called life")

Oh, and it's cold here. 31 as I type this. This means that our gas bills will soon be hovering in the $350 a month range. Not good. I may have to dig out the fishnets, hit up G.oodwill for a miniskirt, and find a profitable corner.

Oh, and two weeks before I found out that the client was going to be gone, we ordered about $3000 worth of replacement doors (entrance and sliders) for our house. (much needed as when we have a blowing snow, we actually get poofs of it in our kitchen, after years and years and years of boys and animal use, and the main entrance door has been slammed so many times it is a miracle it still closes....so while it is crazy timing, it hopefully will at least help with the heat bills) Of course, the opening isn't standard size so we had to special order. ugh.

Well, the complaint list could take all day to write and the title of this was a few quick things. Hey, if nothing else I will have more time to fill up this space. OH that reminds me...the writing gig, it fell through. I checked a little deeper and found out some things that made that little bell ding in my head that said don't do it. So I'm not.

Have a happy day :-)

While women like me.......and many of you....

have to jump through hoops to get/stay pregnant and/or go through expensive, THOROUGH background checks to adopt. ...all in the desire to be a parent...yet there are no laws, rules, or hell, even nosy neighbors to keep women like this from procreating.

Shit like this makes my head explode. http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/police-pennsylvania-mom-michele-kalina-killed-her-babies-kept-bones-in-closet/19689622

I need your help

Promise you won't laugh.

I have been asked to write a relationship and advice column for a local paper.

I SAID DON'T LAUGH!

What I need....are questions. Lots of questions. Ask away. You can leave them here in the comment section and I will compile them for my column and when it is first published, I will put a link here for you. The editor is giving me free reign and I get paid on the amount of readership I have. You may remain anonymous.....or make up a fake name...it doesn't matter.

I just need as many questions as possible. (they actually don't HAVE to be about relationships...part of the deal was that I would give advice about anything)

Go ahead. You know you want to know what to do about your annoying Aunt Mildred, or your pain in the ass mother-in-law or nosy neighbor. (nope, this isn't the big new business I have been hinting about.....more on that one later)

What does your mom drive?

I dropped S3 off at school the other day. This white van was also dropping off a student. As often happens we ended up heading in the same direction for quite some time until we hit a traffic light. A long light. Long enough for me to take out my phone and snap a photo.

So, if this was your moms van.....wouldn't you just be sooo proud?

* * * * * * * * I hope you can click on it and make it bigger. If not it says:

"my inner child is a mean little fucker"

AND

"yes, I am a bitch, so fucking what?"

And no.....just because you have a Marine sticker on the back, doesn't take away the low class effect.

Friday at 5:15

I was getting ready for a sunny and warm, 70 degree plus,weekend (rare in October where I live).

I came into my office, where my phone was flashing a message light.

It was a cell number that I didn't recognize, but since I am in the middle of being a queen of a fundraiser I suspected it was a disgruntled parent bitching about something I have no control over.

I couldn't have been more wrong, and my weekend has spun out of control since.

I have told you here before that I work with several physicians offices providing them SUPERB service (yeah, tooting my own horn here, but they have actually all told me that)but that times, well they are a-changin, and now they all need to go to EMR by 2014. My fav doc (x10years) had told me that when the time came that he had to be compliant, he wanted me to still provide his service and we would come up with our own version of EMR to be compliant, but where he still didn't have to touch a computer.

At 5:15 on Friday, I get a VOICEMAIL from his office manager. She is delightfully sweet, but on the flake meter, she is a full blown croissant.

She tells me that doc has signed with the C.leve.land C.lin.ic and as of a date soon, very soon, he will have to use their system and will not need my service. She went on to say how wonderful I am, how sorry she is, I have gone above and beyond over the years, blah, blah, blah. All I am hearing is 'you're fired bitch'.

I KNOW these solo guys aren't making any money. They are almost forced at this point to joint a huge institution as an employee to guarantee their own incomes. (Don't even get me started about fucking insurance companies and their wealth of power they have over EVERYONE---need heart surgery? Lets check with a dipshit with NO MEDICAL BACKGROUND on the other end of the phone at the INS co to get approval. Ohhh, she says no, so guess you get to die without surgery.....think I'm exaggerating??? Not much) To files claims, you get 90 days to submit. You do it in 10. They wait 75 to send it back telling you the doc needs to sign on the line below the one where he signed (not kidding here), and by the time you resubmit, the magic 90 day mark has passed and payment is denied. Yes, they do it on purpose. I am convinced for every claim they can deny, they get a bonus.

See I told you not to get me started.

So as of a fast approaching date, I will no longer be clearing $1000 a month from that account. That added to the big client that I lost 2 years ago,(another $1500 or so) well, lets just say I may have to find some hot pants, fishnets and a corner soon.

I still cannot believe she left me this news in a voicemail on a Friday, after office hours. (though, croissant remember?)I am not angry. Not in the least. He needs to do what he needs to do. Now that the C.Clinic has bought up everything in my area, he wouldn't get referrals if he didn't join. Being a specialist, he lives on referrals. He is a great guy. I will and have sent family to him, and will continue to do so.

So my lovelies...I am in need of reinvention again. I started my last business with a thought and some determination and I will do it again. I have had an idea brewing for over a year to fill a niche that hasn't been filled and I KNOW it would be a go, but it will cost a few bucks to get started (lawyer fees for the 'we are not responsible' clauses, brochures, postage, calls--LOTS of calls, and website building etc) and I am not sure that when I am facing losing my income (though $30,000 a year it isn't huge to lots of you, it DOES make a big difference as none of our income is disposable....I even think twice before I call for a pizza delivery...I keep very close tabs on income and outgo).....so spending money, not knowing how quickly there would be income, is scary.

When I started my last company I had that feeling in my gut that it would fly. I have it again, and I am even more passionate about the concept of this one, as it will be life changing for so many people.

But, this weekend I am still too stunned to really jump into something. I can't really think very clearly. Right now I am worried about house payments (property taxes, etc), car insurance, utilities (house heat in Ohi.o is crazy from Nov-April and we have a big ass house), and all the other costs in a normal life. BigD is a pu.blic serv.ant remember? His income is equal with mid-west pu.blic serv.ant pay, which means it's okay, but not enough.

(I do still have the part-time job in the one docs office a couple mornings a week and will talk to them tomorrow about his upcoming merger (again, solo so he needs to do something) and be certain that I am still included when the merger happens....I have been told I am....so if I am not, well, the next few posts probably won't be very pretty.

Can you be friends with someone you haven't met?

If you had asked me that a few years ago, I would have looked at you like you had three legs and told you OF COURSE NOT.

Now, I find myself realizing that in fact I was an idiot a few years ago and the correct answer is OF COURSE STUPID.

Through this teensy weensy little blog I have "met" some really great people. Not great in the sense that they have ended any wars, but great in the sense that if we met for lunch, we could talk and laugh, or bitch and cry, for hours.

I found out today that one of those friends found out she has cancer. Malignant Melanoma. I know many people think "oh, it's JUST skin cancer". Your skin is your body's biggest organ.

I know she is afraid. She has a husband and two adorable kids. Who wouldn't be scared? The worst part of all>>>>>even though I am certain she will be fine, she will still need treatment and she has no insurance. For a while now she has been unemployed. Where she lives there really aren't too many choices for her. (husband having insurance isn't an option)

She is part of "America's uninsured" that everyone talks about, but if you have insurance you really don't give it much thought. I have been thinking about that, and her, all day.

I am not too worried about her recovering from the medical aspect, but the cost of her care...ouch.

So, yes, you can be friends with strangers. It isn't odd at all.

If she was a PITA then, she most likely still is one.

Many moons ago, when S1 and S2 were in pre-school I was on the Board of Directors. Yeah...it was a REALLY important position. We made life and death decisions about whether we should allow juice boxes or not, how to make sure that none of the children brought a hidden token from home (those extremely taunting matchbox cars in pockets, or an especially beautiful hair clip, snuck from home )...you know, life altering decisions.

There was one mom that took her role in this leadership so seriously that there were meetings that she would be shaking by the end. It drove her crazy if anyone strayed off topic--ever so slightly--with a funny anecdote or a suggestion of change. This woman didn't just want to volunteer, she wanted to be the only one with an idea...one that would be implemented EXACTLY to her plan.

She drove us all a little nuts. This was pre-school, not Harvard.

Fast forward to last week. I was asked for some ideas for fund-raising for S3's sporting team, by some of the women that had been involved for a couple of years and they were tired of the same old same old same old ideas.

Of course, when they asked me, they did it in the perfect way, by flattering me. Yep. It really works. They told me I was smart, efficient, talented (yeah, they went a little overboard there) and wanted some fresh input.

I came up with an idea that was met with absolute glee, as it had never been done before, would make good money, quickly, and with little parental involvement (I believe the ones needing the money for the pay*to*play and equipment, ie: the players, need to pony up the effort to have their needs met.) So, all was sailing along. I agreed to do ALL the contacting, calling, organizing etc...so they were also thrilled that they could focus on some other things.

After sending out a mass email to all concerned at the school, athletic department, parents etc, I sat back waiting for the responses. Still feeling a bit like a loser from Middle School, I waited for the onslaught of "what a stupid idea" and "where the hell did you come up with that one" comments. Surprisingly, it was met with enthusiastic response.

Except for one parent. Guess who?

The pre-school nightmare mom. Her youngest son also plays the same sport. Her email contained NO salutation, no signature (her name is her email so I know from whence is came), just a brief string of words with no punctuation between......telling me that this idea just wouldn't work.

(She also adores Palin....thinks she is a genius..dear God). It was the best laugh I had all week. Out of 45 emails, hers was the only one that was negative. Truthfully....I think she was probably crazed that it wasn't HER idea :)

Keep your eyes open for her in your playgroup, pre-school, grade school etc. There is one of her everywhere. I think they spawn during the predawn hours and have clandestine meetings to determine who is going to infiltrate which organization. We can't let them take over.

It's gonna be a fun school year.

Oh, and for those of you that were concerned about the state of my marriage. Thank you. BigD goes through these funks and it rarely has anything to actually do with ME. I just take it all personally. He did agree to let me schedule a complete physical for him. Now I need to figure out how to talk to the doc first and tell him to prescribe some better antidepressants. I know how much BigD loves me. He shows it (yes, even in public--but not over the top gross ways) and tells me. He says I am "the glue that holds us all together". He is at a funny time in his life too. We girls have menopause, and men have it too. Nobody can ever convince me otherwise. He would love to retire but can't. Would love to be working somewhere else, but can't (long story for later), and feels very overwhelmed with all things related to home maintainance.

He has always had ENORMOUS pride in his "showplace" of our home. (Yeah, drives me nuts that he really feels the MUST have "the best" looking yard, house, etc etc...comes from his parents that were perfectionists to the max and also a bit of an insecurity complex on BigD's part that he wanted people to see how well he was doing) We have a huge yard with many islands, and "feature" areas. IT IS TOO MUCH WORK! I have been telling him for years he needs to scale back the "show". Finally...he has agreed. We are pulling in all the islands to a more manageable size--mulch alone was costing a whole paycheck--and making some adjustments to ease the amount of outside work that needs to be done. As the boys are getting older and actually moving out, he sees the writing on the wall. No way will he be able to maintain this on his own, and the little Mrs here....I have NO time to be farting around outside because the house is big too and I have more than enough to do already. (Most of the neighbors have landscapers, cleaning ladies etc. We have off and on had some help but part of BigD's pride is that he needed to do all the stuff himself--a proof of sorts--that he was worthy or some other kind of macho BS.)

Anyway...things are status quo for now. Thanks for your concern :)

Things are sucky..or is it suckie?

I have been absent here for quite some time. Along with being busy things have just been sucky/suckie at chez OHN for a bit.

To be honest, I really don't know what is going on. I am sure there is a component of unsettledness (yes, it is a new word that I will petition Webster to add)to my emotional state with S1 and S2 both being basically gone and on their own for real this time. S1 is working and finishing up his degree a couple of classes at a time. When the job was offered, it was a stepping stone to what he really wants to do, so he would have been nuts to turn it down.

S2 is transferring schools to have a shot at getting into a co-op program for an amazing opportunity. The agency he is aiming for only hires every 5-8 years and there are 5x as many applicants as there are positions. This acceptance into the co-op guarantees you a spot after graduation (provided you don't turn out to be a terr.orist, or some other unswarthy creature). He met the 3 BIG GUYS in charge for this area of the country and they all were courting him. They loved what they saw in him and he has been on cloud 9.

So, obviously they are doing well....so why am I in such a funk?

I will tell you. BigD has been a shithead to me for about a month now. No matter the question I ask, even simple like..."do you want me to fix something to eat?"...is met with a growl and a snappy answer. I tell you, it is getting REALLY old.

We had a period in our marriage 12 years ago that we almost split. Nobody knows. At that time he said he just wasn't happy, (and there was some other crap too involving sharing his feelings with a female friend...feelings he should have been sharing with me~~that is a post I have yet to write, but think I will because it is an important topic). We were able to work things out, but ever since then I haven't felt quite the same about him. There is always that lingering hurt and anger. Do I love him? Yeah, I do. Does he love me? Yeah, he does. But I also don't know how long I am willing to tolerate being treated like my presence is an annoyance. When I try to ask him about it, he gets irritated (just like asking about dinner)then 2 hours later he is telling me he loves me. I have whiplash people.

His father, near the end of his life, treated his wife (bigD's mom) like this too. I always vowed that I would never allow myself to be on the receiving end of gruff, grunted answers.

I am not old. Okay, compared to some of you I am VERY old, but I am not to the point in my life where I can look ahead and see the next 20-30+ years being an appendage rather than a partner.

He says "nothing" when I ask what is going on. He says he is tired, stressed etc....this is a man that loves to laugh and lately isn't seeing joy in very much. I even made a couple of doctor appointments for him. He has been on a very mild anti.depressant for years and I don't think it is effective any more. I am tempted to spike his water with a high dose.

This whole grumpy attitude is apparent to more than just me. The boys have all asked, in some form, "what the hell is dad's problem?" So, it isn't just me. In fact I had to convince S2 not to come to my defense. (the two of them are very alike, strong willed, thick skulled etc). He told me he can't promise that the next time he is here, if his dad snaps at me, that he won't come unglued and tell his dad to knock it off. I really don't want my 20 year old fighting for my honor. It doesn't sit well with me.

So, that is the main reason I haven't been here. The funks. I am going to try to get BigD alone at some point today or tomorrow (that's another issue, I refuse to talk to him about anything that will spark a loud conversation when S3 is home. He is a really sensitive kid and his world as a high school sop.homore doesn't need to be rocked. He loves us both and it is really hard on him even when voices are raised about minor things, let alone marital crap) Honestly...it is quite possible that as soon as I finish posting this, BigD will come down and be delightful. It is the see-saw effect. I never know which guy is going to walk through the door, and it is sucky...or is it suckie?

phone companies

An open letter to the scum sucking, bottom feeders that are cell phone companies.

Dear Sirs:

(I use the salutation loosely, as the correct salutation should more likely be Dear Shitheads).

I would like to commend you on your use of deceit and coercion in obtaining and constraining consumers. Your well trained personnel can successfully speak out of both sides of their mouths and look people in the eye while doing so.

Well done!

Also, I think it is brilliant that you know you have your grip on us by those tiny little hairs on the backs of our necks. We are helpless without our cells, and you know it. Kudos. Really, does anyone not have one? I have seen people that spend their nights perusing dumpsters, that have at the very least, a disposable cell in their pocket. (Might be “borrowed” from a nice couple that happened to be walking down a dark street one night, might be the one his dealer gave him to let him know when he could score…..not sure on either scenario, but I am sure you get my point). Many of us actually use our phones to earn a living….the very thing that enables us to send you enormous amounts of money each month.

So, it doesn’t surprise me, with your vast knowledge of society’s needs, that you are able to get away with charging loyal customers of 8-10 years duration, with a “small activation fee” so we can use the new phone we HAD to get because the one we got last year doesn’t work any longer. I am sure it is a freakish coincidence that most cell phones purchased in the last 5 years, last about as long as a solid relationship with a hooker. Ironically, stuffed in the back of a drawer, long forgotten, was a phone that was put to rest years ago, in favor of a cooler, more snazzy model. I dug it out, dusted it off, and lo and behold after a little bit of cuddle time with a charger….it hummed like one of Tiger’s dates.

So back to this “small” activation fee. Is my $18 (per phone) going to help your company? No, not really. But given the fact that (approximately) 1.2 billion cell phones were sold in 2009, (you can thank CNN, as they did the leg work for me), that is a tidy little profit for all of you. You go dudes!

Do you want a minute to add that up? Never mind, I have a calculator right here. Let’s see…….oh my! My calculator doesn’t have enough space for all those numbers! I did hear today that the little fee is what you use to pay your employees that don't work on commission. Can I have a job?

So, as you sit on your gilded thrones, having your neck massaged by someone who can’t afford one of your phones, please know that it is with great humility that I salute you. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that your company was run by the same people that give out loans to people with gambling addictions, then later “collect” your loan with interest that may or may not include a body part.

My only pleasure in all of this, is that a kind person gave me the heads up to completely avoid your stores, and do my phone buying at my local Best Buy. Guess what??? They sell YOUR phones cheaper than you do. Yep. Not only that, their equipment protection plan covers A.N.Y. problem. Drive over your phone? Covered. Drop it in the toilet? Covered. NO DEDUCTIBLE either. Sure beats the hell out of your “plan” that covers “some” problems, AFTER we pay you a $100 deductible to replace our phone with a refurb that will have its own set of problems. The kind people at Best Buy don’t work on commission either, so they actually tell you the truth. I KNOW…unheard of huh? OH…and better yet, those annoying rebates you offer us to suck us in, the ones we wait 6 weeks to get back??? Best Buy gives us the rebate price up front. Nothing to mail in. No, I don’t work for Best Buy, nor are the paying me anything to tell you about them. I just really appreciate their way of doing business.

So phone company, I only need to deal with you when I pay my bill each month. Thankfully, I can do that online and don’t have to talk to you liars and thieves.

Hugs,

The OHN family

BEACH BITCHING

When to quit wearing a bikini?

When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece

When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece

When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece

When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece

When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece

When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.

Beach etiquette.

When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.

I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.

I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.

Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)