Friday, January 01, 2010

2010 isn't looking very good

I am sitting here, trying not to vomit.

The phone rang about 90 minutes ago. It was S2 telling us that S1 was in a bad way.

He started drinking earlier tonight and has gotten so drunk they were afraid for his safety.

He was talking about wanting to die.

My heart is sick right now. I don't understand any of this. He is so smart, yet he refuses to believe that he has a problem. I am seeing now, that there is indeed a problem.

I know most young people, he is 21, that are in college have some sort of party time, but evidently this has been going on for a very long time. S1 is a master at hiding things, especially his feelings.

BigD hopped in the car and went to college town. He just called and S1 is ripping his father apart...."I never loved you" , "we have never been close" "just leave me alone". It breaks my heart. BigD may be strict, but he is very loving and all the boys should know that he loves them. He says it, he shows it, he means it.

So, here I sit at 2:30 in the morning wondering what do to next. I don't know how far this is going to go, if there needs to be some sort of an intervention to keep S1 from throwing his life away. We have no idea if alcoholism runs in his genes etc.

This is the third trip that BigD has had to make to college town in 3 years. It doesn't sound like alot, but there have been multiple times that I am sure we were not even aware of the gravity of the situation.

S1 has never had many friends. He doesn't think like his peers. He will sit and discuss/debate foreign policy, economic climates, political theory and on and on, but has a hard time relating to kids his own age. To him, they are all immature and don't have a focus. He had a long term girlfriend ( 2 1/2 years) that he split with 1 1/2 years ago and he hasn't had a serious relationship since. He says he isn't looking, yet when I talk to him, I can hear in his voice that each girl he dates, he is hoping settle down with. He likes consistency. Career wise, he tells me his wishes for the future and they mostly include some type of c0vert operations, C.IA, etc.

How do I make him realize that none of those dreams will come to fruition if he is throwing it all away now. He is brilliant, but not very smart.

I am sick with worry and I don't know what to do.


Fiona of Cork said...

It seems like those of us that internalize and think too much about things beyond our control are the ones who are more likely to turn to substances. Has S1 ever been in counseling? Do you think he would be willing to give it a shot?

You know what I've been going through...and even though I had spent many years in counseling before this, this time it's very different. This time it's about the why. And the ways to change the way I think. Our brains are like muscles...we really can work them and force them to change. But it's ten times harder than working any other muscle.

As the person on the other side of this issue all I can say is that no amount of love or persuasion or guilt or anything that you can offer will make him want to change or get help if he doesn't want it for himself. It's taken me months and months to finally figure that one out.

I hope he gets better. I really do.

Tina said...

I have no advice. I wish I did. Just know I love you like a good friend and am sending you a big hug right now. Please let us know how he is.

Sink said...

So painful. I know. My husband is an alcohol and drug counselor, and I still have no answers.

preppyplayer said...

Oh OHN, I am sorry this is happening. But as you said, at least it is in the open and now can be addressed.

Contact the school and make use of the facilities and services there, Maybe they can offer him better coping strategies rather than alcohol.
As for your husband remind him that Kids ( S1 is still a kid) hurt the ones they love and those who love them the most because it is a good test of unconditional love.

Life is a challenge. I hope and pray for the best my friend.

Yo-yo Mama said...

I also advice you to contact the school about making use of their resources.

As for S1 making the remarks to his dad? I can tell you only this: only a child who knows subconsciously that by saying such things he knows his dad will love him no matter what says these things to release whatever demons he has verbally b/c he doesn't know what else to do or say.

Anonymous said...

Calvary here again: Life is not what it "was" but how you "perceive" it and S1 has added up a lot of grievances to "explain" his behavior. It is always the fault of someone else when you are trying to excuse the way you are acting.

I know he will be in counseling, but it's a long haul and no quick fix.

Due to having the same situations where two nephews are concerned: One went to a "camp" where they had to rough it for a year.

One just kept on with his downward spiral.

Now? The one who returned from camp and returned to his ways of dealing with life.

The one who had NO intercession, is keeping on with his downward spiral.

Something got missed somewhere along the way with the "camp" that was SO expensive it backrupted his parents.

Athena said...

Oh OHN, I'm so sorry. I'm just catching up again and this is so sad. I hope that S1 is doing better. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you - what a rough go you've had!