Saturday, January 02, 2010

No special effects

Just tossing and turning. I think this is a whole new style I may adopt. In case you can't tell, that is my hair when I woke up. Things are better today. I still feel like I may be slightly off kilter, but S1 is still here, having not bolted back to his apartment to avoid family. (Which is really a very good sign. He likes his solitude and to be honest, I think he is staying a couple of days to show me he is okay. He knows how upset I was/am. )

Though, I am a practiced child of being able to smile and carry on when the inside of my head is exploding. I am not sure if it is the Irish in me, or the years of hiding my terror of my father, or I just come from "strong stock" as I have been told by some.

When I woke up this morning, I stayed in bed for about 1/2 hour just petting Cosm.o and trying to get my "center" back. I realized that if BigD and S1 can compartmentalize what happened the other night, and move on, I should try to do the same. Problem is......I get flashbacks. I have had them all of my life from various events that my mind has captured a permanent photo.

I can be cruising along great then out of nowhere, I hit a wall with images. It is worse when things are quiet and I am not busy. Sometimes they nag and nag until I am so tired of them popping up in my head, I could scream. It is almost like self torture. I have no idea why I can't think of puppies and rainbows instead.

I also seriously want to thank all of you for your very kind comments. There are so many things I put here that nobody in my real life knows about. BigD is huge about not "airing our dirty laundry" (he likes appearances of perfection) but in reality, I know EVERYONE has at least a smudge on their silk, and doing a little airing might help release the stain. I am not sure, but I am glad I can come here and purge a bit. It really does help. Having all the kind comments is strangely comforting and I feel like so many of you would be a blast to have over for a picnic.

I might even wear my new hairstyle.

19 comments:

Tina said...

As I was reading, Colby says "Mom, what kind of weird dog is that?" I figured you needed the laugh.

As for flashbacks, I know exactly where you're coming from. Every now and then memories of my Dad hit me like a Ma.ck truck, to the point it's almost breathtaking. And stupid things from when the kids were smaller that I still feel guilty about. Must be an ovaries thing.
So, when's the picnic?? :)

OHN said...

HA! I love kids. They are so funny and don't even know it :)

dana said...

Blogging in a lot of cases is all about purging. It's even nicer to purge to people who are on the same wavelength so that you can feel a connection to another human. YOU need the connection with another human as much, no, MORE than S1 in order to survive this.

Have you considered AL-ANON? Someone, somewhere, for YOU and BD.

Keep YOURSELF sane FIRST, so you can be there to get S1 sane, SECOND.

awomanmyage said...

Okay, just catching up on your posts. Ohmigosh, I am so worried about you. What's going on with the skin cancer - what's the prognosis - how are you dealing with that? I'm sure you can hardly think of yourself when your son is going through so much. I pray that he gets the help that you needs - sometimes an objective person can bring some clarity.

My Aimless Infatuation said...

I wish there were only a "smudge on my silk". Mine look like they have been buried. The only reason that I don't purge more is that my son reads my blog. I wish I had been smart enough to keep my blogging to myself,but at the time I needed his help to start it. So,purge all you need to,we are here for you.

Michael Guzzo said...

I know EVERYONE has at least a smudge on their silk

You got that right, we're all smudged up.

Anonymous said...

I am a personal fan of the hair style and of airing laundry....if people didn't air their laundry I would think my family was the ONLY crazy family around.....as it is, the more laundry aired, the more I realize...still crazy, but not alone :D

you are not alone...
forgot my password, it's me tz from zimmerhouse

Dodi said...

Here catching up, and OMG. Air away if it helps you - and I'm so sorry for what is being thrown your way right now.

Jody said...

I can only hope things get better for you. Family can suck sometimes.

hope548 said...

I was blog-free over the holidays and have caught up and am just so very sorry for all of the drama you and your family have been through.

I hope you are all able to continue talking and get back to peaceful.

Mama K said...

some ppl pay big money for hairdos like that ;] ....sorry bout all you are dealing with, with your son... I know first hand how hard it is...

Demeter said...

I hope your tests provide the information you want to know about S1. You know your kids so well and are so connected to them that nothing will fall through the cracks. You will get your answers to have peace of mind. I hope your 2010 gets better as you hear better news.

buffalodick said...

Bed hair is not new..But on you, it looks good!

beyondinfertility said...

That is some seriously fabulous hair!

Ahhh, smudged silk. What an understatement in our household!

Flicka said...

I just came over here to checck out your blog and...oh my word, what a time you've been having. I don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and praying for you. And for your sons.

xoxo
Flicka

Jen said...

I also worried about putting too much personal stuff on my blog but really, its MY blog and it feels great getting stuff out. Especially when you have great blog friends there to listen and support you. So type away, I'll be there for ya! And by the way, I la la love your header picture!! Cracks me up!

I am not proud follower number 50!!

hope548 said...

I just wanted to pop in and say that I hope things are going better and that you're having a good week!

preppyplayer said...

Ohn, hope all is well, miss you.

Unknown Mami said...

I'm glad you have a place where you can express yourself. You need to vent.