Friday, January 01, 2010

So far 2010 sucks.

Yeah, I know we are only a few hours in but last night, was undoubtedly the worst night I have had in a very very long time.

When BigD got to the apartment, S1 was belligerent. F-this, F-that about his brother "calling in the cavalry", and on and on. One of the guys went out and brought back some food for S1 and things started to calm down.

Suddenly the shit hit the fan and the fight was on.

S1 proceeded to throw punches (which I bet were rather amusing as he may be 6'2" but he only weighs 145 pounds soaking wet. You would be able to wrap your fingers around his calves.)

BigD has had 32 years of dealing with asshole drunks.....but this is his son.

To back up a little........when BigD got there, he and S2 went into S1's room and found him with a pencil and paper, writing what appeared to be a suicide note. He ranted at them, on and on about how he has been screwed over (unbelievably it all stems back to that sleeze he was sleeping with all fall. I KNEW he was developing feelings...he admitted that he had fallen VERY in love with her and she went back to her boyfriend and he felt crushed---he now swears he will never let anyone in close again.)

BigD looked over on the bed and there was a Le@thermans t00l on the bed. He really felt this was a serious gesture and made the decision that S1 needed to be home, as he felt that S1 and I are close enough he would talk, but more importantly listen to me.

What happened next, may prevent S1 and BigD from ever having a relationship again.

BigD put him in handcuffs, practically carried him out of the apartment and seatbelted him in the back of his car.

Yes. You read that right.

I cannot even begin to tell you my feelings when he called me and told me they were on their way home and S1 was cuffed in the back like a dirtball.

Even as I type this, I can't quit crying. This is my little boy.

I guess S1 had some choice words for BigD the entire ride home. S1, having total recall and a photographic memory brought up things that happened YEARS ago. The time when BigD and I hit a rough patch and he overheard us talking. BigD at that time said he was leaving, and quite honestly I was ready to hold the door for him.....but we worked things through. Marriage can be tough, but to a kid, it is very hard to see that not all things are black and white.

ONE time when S1 was in middle school, BigD made the mistake of grabbing S1 by the shirt collar (BigD knows that this was wrong and has felt bad about it since then) and yelled at him about something (if I remember, I think it was something stupid like a messy room with an added smart mouth attitude) and S1 now thinks that he was always treated this way. He is forgetting the 99% of the time that the family has laughed, played and just been together.

I am sick.


It is now almost 6 pm. S1, BigD and I all had a very long talk. Many things came out. S1 said there was never going to be anything close to a suicide attempt. The note he was writing was for his brother to tell him to stay the F out of his life and quit acting like a parent. (S2 doesn't drink and DOES have a tendency to act like "dad" to his brothers. ) S1 did tell me that he cannot believe that his own father put him in handcuffs. To be honest, I can't either. But, I can't second guess BigD. He was there during the worst of it, I wasn't. I was here waiting for a call.

S1 apologized to his brother for being a very mean drunk. He tried to explain that this happens to him when he drinks whiskey. The last time he had whiskey was a year and a half ago, and a similar reaction happened. He has now told us he will stick to the occasional beer. I want to believe him, I really do, but I also think he has some demons in his head.

At one point last night/early this morning, he told me he is afraid he has a brain tumor, and is afraid he is going to die. I promised him we would see as many doctors as he wanted to give him peace of mind. As I mentioned before, we have a day of appointments scheduled in two weeks that will shed much light on almost anything he may have. That appointment day can't come soon enough.

So, I sit here with my son up in his room, with a bandaged knee from some nasty road rash from falling in the street while running away from the apartment (when he heard dad was on the way), a sore head from when he had to be restrained so he wouldn't hurt himself, and a broken spirit. He is such a sensitive guy that he shuts off his emotions so he won't be hurt.

Today, he told me he said things that have been in his head for a very long time, and while he is sorry about how it all happened, he is glad some of it came out, and is no longer bottled up.

I don't know how much of what he said today is lip service to placate me and how much he meant, probably some of both.

That doesn't ease any of my worry though. I don't care if he is 21 or 81, he will always be my little boy. I want to tuck him under my arm and just keep him safe from all demons, real or imagined.

I love my boys so much, it makes my heart ache.

The image of him in handcuffs in the kitchen, waiting for his dad to go get the cuff key to unlock them, is an image that will haunt me forever. So will the look in S1's eyes.


Tina said...

I'm in tears. I'm heart sick for you. I can just picture in my head how it all played out with S1 in handcuffs when he came through the door. Working as a guard I saw many times people being escorted through the door in handcuffs and the cop looking for the keys. Just know we're here for you to vent. I have to tell you though. I've been checking back all day waiting for an update, and seriously considered trying to find your number to call. How borderline psycho is that?? Now hurry up and get on FB so I can talk to you!! :)

preppyplayer said...

I am glad that he is safe and somewhat sound and back in the fold.
As bad as your kid looked in cuffs, I have tremendous empathy for the guy that had to do it.
I think your husband did what he had to and maybe took his "dad" hat off and dealt with the situation as a professional and with a professional's assessment.

Having been a bartender for many years I have never, ever met an easy drunk. I think big D did what he had to to keep the boy safe from himself.

Things will get better. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way :)

Unknown Mami said...

I am so very sorry. I wish you strength, patience and much luck.

My Aimless Infatuation said...

Been thru similiar situations and I know how heartbreaking it is. God Bless you all and give you stength to climb this mountain.

Beth said...

Wow! I am so sorry your son is going through such a hard time. I've said it before and I'll say it again, heart hurt is the WORST kind.

As the mother of two boys (17 and 19), I feel that boys sometimes get stuck in-between those worlds of having emotions and yet not being comfortable enough to share them with others.

It is hard to know what to do when suicide looks like a possibility. It sounds like your husband did what he had to do. Maybe one day your son will understand that.

Thinking of you guys.

Anonymous said...

It's "good" to have someone you can yell at, accuse, and make life miserable for. But there comes a time when the ones you're making miserable would like some of the "drugs" to make THEIR life manageable!

I know. You're scared to allow it, and scared to put your foot down and have a possible suicide on your hands to further add to your "guilt" (whether deserved or not).

Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho said...

OHN... some comments via personal email.
Love to you!

Lorna said...

Families and family dramas are where we really seem to get to experience the whole human emotional spectrum, isn't it? As long as we can somehow let each other know love is still here, it'll be okay. The strength of the human spirit is unfathomable. Loves to you and your family.

Pucciola said...

My father is law enforcement as well. And I believe he probably would have put me in cuffs if he needed to (in fact, when he first got his job he wanted to demonstrate to me how they worked and i got to wear the metal bracelets for a good 20 minutes before he took them off). Your husband probably thought that this was a good way to keep him from hurting himself and others. Just think of it that way.

I am grateful that your husband got there when he did and I'm sure now that your son is surrounded by family and love that he can start to mend his wounds, but it will take time.

My thoughts are with you

Athena said...

I am so sorry - this was really hard to read. I am sure that it was not easy for your husband to put cuffs on S1.

Again, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I just have nothing. There are no words. That's a hell of a day.

Jen said...

I am sorry to hear about all of this! I do know one thing, your kids are very lucky to have such a caring mom like you. I am glad he is home with you where he belongs right now. I agree with Beth, I am sure your husband did the right thing at the time. I am sure he would not have done that if he didn't feel he needed to. Sometimes we go to great lenghts to try to protect/save teh ones we love. They just may not see it that way. I am sending big hugs your way.

V said...

Hello, it took me forever surfing to find you again. I'm so sorry 2010 started off on such a sour note. I'm also in law enforcement and although it looks terrible, I'm sure BigD thought that it was better than having him hurt himself. It wasn't meant to humiliate, just protect him the way he's trained. I totally got that from the enforcement perspective but as a mom, I would have been upset as well. I hope the two of them can work things out. The Pollyanna in me says that years that start off crappy usually end well.

ZDub said...

Dude, this really sucks.

I'm so sorry.