When BigD got to the apartment, S1 was belligerent. F-this, F-that about his brother "calling in the cavalry", and on and on. One of the guys went out and brought back some food for S1 and things started to calm down.
Suddenly the shit hit the fan and the fight was on.
S1 proceeded to throw punches (which I bet were rather amusing as he may be 6'2" but he only weighs 145 pounds soaking wet. You would be able to wrap your fingers around his calves.)
BigD has had 32 years of dealing with asshole drunks.....but this is his son.
To back up a little........when BigD got there, he and S2 went into S1's room and found him with a pencil and paper, writing what appeared to be a suicide note. He ranted at them, on and on about how he has been screwed over (unbelievably it all stems back to that sleeze he was sleeping with all fall. I KNEW he was developing feelings...he admitted that he had fallen VERY in love with her and she went back to her boyfriend and he felt crushed---he now swears he will never let anyone in close again.)
BigD looked over on the bed and there was a Le@thermans t00l on the bed. He really felt this was a serious gesture and made the decision that S1 needed to be home, as he felt that S1 and I are close enough he would talk, but more importantly listen to me.
What happened next, may prevent S1 and BigD from ever having a relationship again.
BigD put him in handcuffs, practically carried him out of the apartment and seatbelted him in the back of his car.
Yes. You read that right.
I cannot even begin to tell you my feelings when he called me and told me they were on their way home and S1 was cuffed in the back like a dirtball.
Even as I type this, I can't quit crying. This is my little boy.
I guess S1 had some choice words for BigD the entire ride home. S1, having total recall and a photographic memory brought up things that happened YEARS ago. The time when BigD and I hit a rough patch and he overheard us talking. BigD at that time said he was leaving, and quite honestly I was ready to hold the door for him.....but we worked things through. Marriage can be tough, but to a kid, it is very hard to see that not all things are black and white.
ONE time when S1 was in middle school, BigD made the mistake of grabbing S1 by the shirt collar (BigD knows that this was wrong and has felt bad about it since then) and yelled at him about something (if I remember, I think it was something stupid like a messy room with an added smart mouth attitude) and S1 now thinks that he was always treated this way. He is forgetting the 99% of the time that the family has laughed, played and just been together.
I am sick.
It is now almost 6 pm. S1, BigD and I all had a very long talk. Many things came out. S1 said there was never going to be anything close to a suicide attempt. The note he was writing was for his brother to tell him to stay the F out of his life and quit acting like a parent. (S2 doesn't drink and DOES have a tendency to act like "dad" to his brothers. ) S1 did tell me that he cannot believe that his own father put him in handcuffs. To be honest, I can't either. But, I can't second guess BigD. He was there during the worst of it, I wasn't. I was here waiting for a call.
S1 apologized to his brother for being a very mean drunk. He tried to explain that this happens to him when he drinks whiskey. The last time he had whiskey was a year and a half ago, and a similar reaction happened. He has now told us he will stick to the occasional beer. I want to believe him, I really do, but I also think he has some demons in his head.
At one point last night/early this morning, he told me he is afraid he has a brain tumor, and is afraid he is going to die. I promised him we would see as many doctors as he wanted to give him peace of mind. As I mentioned before, we have a day of appointments scheduled in two weeks that will shed much light on almost anything he may have. That appointment day can't come soon enough.
So, I sit here with my son up in his room, with a bandaged knee from some nasty road rash from falling in the street while running away from the apartment (when he heard dad was on the way), a sore head from when he had to be restrained so he wouldn't hurt himself, and a broken spirit. He is such a sensitive guy that he shuts off his emotions so he won't be hurt.
Today, he told me he said things that have been in his head for a very long time, and while he is sorry about how it all happened, he is glad some of it came out, and is no longer bottled up.
I don't know how much of what he said today is lip service to placate me and how much he meant, probably some of both.
That doesn't ease any of my worry though. I don't care if he is 21 or 81, he will always be my little boy. I want to tuck him under my arm and just keep him safe from all demons, real or imagined.
I love my boys so much, it makes my heart ache.
The image of him in handcuffs in the kitchen, waiting for his dad to go get the cuff key to unlock them, is an image that will haunt me forever. So will the look in S1's eyes.