HOLY FREAKIN SHIT (* with an update)

First goo.gle now face.book.

For those of you that have been reading for awhile, you will remember about 3 years ago( January posts 2006-I think), I was helping one of my blog buddies figure out how to do some sleuthing to try to find her child's birth parents.

In the midst of helping, goog.le rocked my world by popping up S1's birth mother. Yep. Smack dab in the middle of my monitor.

She had listed her contact info on his 18th birthday, (I discovered it 3 months later) and I got up the courage to email her. We had a few exceptionally nice emails, I passed on the info to S1 and told him he had my blessing if he was curious and felt the need to contact her. She sounds very sweet.

I honestly don't know if he ever did anything with the info. I printed out all of her correspondence to me and mine to her. I put it in an envelope with all the adoption info we had from the agency, along with the hospital photos of her and S1's birth father holding him. There was also a very sweet letter she wrote him. The kind of sweet that a 15 year old would write, wanting to sound so mature and articulate.

I don't think he ever even opened the envelope, because I think he would have told me. He knows that I am not threatened by them anymore ( I quit worrying they would swoop in and take him away when he was about, oh, about 15) and if he had been in touch, I am fairly certain he would have shared the experience with me.

SO....today, I am harvesting my farmv.ille crops, milking my cows and deciding whether to buy another damn pig. I open my home page to see what all my fbook buds are up to today, and read some of Jerry's jokes, and there is a message in the inbox.

Yeah, you KNOW where this is going.......

I open it up and it is from some guy with the subject line "Hi". I almost deleted it thinking it was some dude creepin on old ladies with fbook's. Lo and behold, I start reading the note and holy freaking shit...it is a note from S1's birth father. He says he emailed me a year ago and never heard back (HELLO?? no kidding???? I DELETE emails from people that I don't know who put "hi" in the subject line........doesn't everyone??)

So obviously, my stomach starts churning and I have to decide how I want to respond. I did, telling him that because of the way that you can find out almost anything, about almost anybody now, I needed more proof he was actually who he said he was.

While I sit here and wait for my inbox to show a message back, I decided to start creeping on his fbook. DAMN. S1 looks a lot like him. It is freaky to see the man that was part of bringing my son into this world, staring at me in photos.

He seems like an okay guy.

I looked to see who he is friends with, and they all look normal.

He is even friends with S1's birth mother......that I never even gave a thought to looking up on fbook before.

He doesn't share his info unless you are a friend, but I didn't see anyone that looked like a significant other in the photos, so I don't know if he ever married. I am betting I will find out though. He is probably about 40 now. He was older than S1's birth mother and in the adoption data we got, it stated he wanted to go into the military. On his fbook.....he posted a status that he had just passed his 2oth anniversary of service, so he obviously followed up on that interest.

I am just sitting here shitting myself. I have to decide the right time to call S1 and tell him. I have never kept anything from him about his adoption, and certainly won't start now. My biggest worry is that it will be upsetting to him. He really is very sensitive and HATES change. This is change people.

One thing I forgot to ask this guy was how he knew my name....hmmmmm. Maybe the birth mom told him..i dunno.

My stomach was upset all afternoon with a stupid GI bug, now this. Hell, by tomorrow, I will be able to fit into my skinny jeans. (if I can get out of the bathroom long enough to put them on that is).

**UPDATE**

I texted S1, NOT TO TELL HIM, that would be really crappy, but to tell him to call me if he was free and by himself. It wouldn't be cool to hear this with a room full of smelly room-mates.

He called a few minutes ago and the convo went like this:

Me: Hi hon...do you have a minute?

Him: Yeah, what's up?

Me: Are you alone?

Him: No, girl/friend is here, we are about to leave to go watch the game.

Me: Lets just talk later then.

Him: NO! I would just be wondering what you want...go ahead...just tell me.

Me: It is kind of mind blowing news honey, I would rather you be comfortable, and maybe it would be better if you were alone.

Him: JUST SAY IT (getting exasperated...a tone I know well).

Me: Well...I was on my Fbook and saw a message from someone I didn't know, and almost didn't bother looking at it.

Him: Aaaand...........who was it?

Me: Oh honey..are you sitting down? (he said JUST SAY IT again)

Me: It was from your birth father.

Him: Oh. God, I thought it was something bad, like they found out your skin cancer, mole thingy, was the worst kind or something. I really don't think that is big news mom. I reeaallly don't care.

I went on to tell him that he seems like he is an okay guy and that he did go into the military like he had wanted...blah blah blah. His only reaction was who cares. He was worried about his momma. Can I even begin to tell you how much I love this kid? There are no words.

Now, I do predict that in the upcoming days he will call and ask me the B-fathers name at least so he can scope him out. Oh, yeah, he didn't even ask his name. Can you believe it??

The only reason I went ahead and told him while he was with girl/friend, is that I know her and she is wonderful. If he had to be with anyone when he hears anything the least bit upsetting, it would be her. She is very grounded and he is really comfortable with her.

As for me, I am still reeling. Technology is great. I predict someday it will kill me.

Late night tv

I am too old to stay up half the night any more, and then get up and be working by 6.

Hell, who am I kidding, it was even hard when I was 20.

So, because of all the hoopla this week over the Conan vs Jay, I felt it was my obligation as a citizen to at least record the last Conan broadcast from N.B.C.

I am old enough to remember J. Carson. The original Tonight Show host. I remember hearing my mom chuckle from the other room when I was supposed to be sleeping and on occasion even caught the show as I got older. Those were the days when the guests could quite possibly show up three sheets to the wind, and everyone smoked. Everyone.

So, this morning, I watched the last Conan broadcast. To be honest, I don't remember watching the show before (so I guess I am partially responsible for him being unemployed since it had to do with ratings. Sorry Conan...bring the wife and kids over for some meatloaf and mashed potatoes with a side of corn. You can even smush the corn into the potatoes for a new taste sensation.)

This guy..Conan...he is a class act. I know he will land on his feet, I just hope the hundreds of staff personnel do too. Again Conan, I am sorry I didn't support you every night. A girl has to get up early and work, ya know? See you around 6 tonight for dinner. <> So a very unofficial poll ...who do you prefer, Jay or Conan?

3 AM=me screaming COME AGAIN!!

Get your filthy minds out of the gutter.

This post has nothing to do with sex, though I did say "come again??" once our conversation started.

But, I need to back up and start about 3 hours earlier.

It all started because S3 grew. He is 1/8 inch from being 6 feet tall and is still sleeping on the twin bed that he got from his brother, when his brother grew to a bigger bed.

I was talking to my sister-in-law (the nice one, not the bitch), and told her that S3 didn't fit in his bed anymore and was waking up in the morning with achy legs and back because he couldn't even put his feet over the bottom of the bed because of the foot board on his hand-me-down bed.

She offered a double sized bed that our dear old auntie bought about a year before she died. She told me that since it was only a year old, it still had plenty of life in it and I ran it past S3 and he said sure.

Yesterday we took a sledgehammer to the old bed. Believe me, nobody would have wanted it. It had been a bunk bed, and the top bunk disappeared to the magic wood pile years ago, so this was literally 1/2 of a bed. It was very well used by 3 boys growing up, so it was time to say goodbye.

S3 had a blast smashing it to bits for our fire-pit.....now we just had to wait for the new bed to show up.

It arrived a couple of hours later and when we unwrapped it we just stood there and stared. It had a big 'ol stain. I am talking HUGE. Like bladder the size of a football huge...stain of old lady pee.

My SIL forgot that it was there and felt awful but by then, the old twin mattress he had been sleeping on had been hauled off to the dump, about 1/2 hour earlier. Timing. It really is everything ya know?

So, when the helpers left it was just S3 and I here. When I told him I would cover the mattress in an impenetrable plastic cover then a mattress pad, then the bed linens. He just looked at me and quietly said "Mom, I won't sleep on it..it's disgusting". It wasn't so much what he said, as how he said it. Sad. So sad. He is an amazing kid, great student, has huge dreams of saving the world, and he just didn't want to sleep on a bed that was stained by old lady pee. He doesn't know that she DIED in that bed last summer. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EITHER or I never would have agreed to take it. (I found out when my SIL called late last night to ask if S3 liked the bed--I tactfully avoided telling her that he refused to even go near it).

So, he and I talked and as my heart was breaking for him I made a decision.

I had been saving to get myself an fancy ass camera. I had the cash. I took the boy to the store last night and bought him a new mattress. One of his very own. Not one that has been handed down by his brothers. It dawned on me during our conversation that all of his clothes....all of his toys....all of his almost everything has been handed down. This kid has never complained once. NEVER.

On the way to the mattress store, over and over he said he would just sleep on the floor, that he didn't want me to spend my camera money etc etc. I told him that I was doing something that I wanted to do, not that I felt I had to do. This would make me happier than a camera, (okay, so truth be told, that is a teeny weensy lie, I would have more pleasure from a new camera..there I said it) and I could start saving again...I did it once, I could do it again.

Even walking into the store he was saying "mom, really, you don't have to do this, I can sleep anywhere, you know that". THEN he laid on the classic series.....and smiled. It will be delivered tomorrow and he and I are both excited.

So, when BigD got home from his meeting I told him what I had done. Can I tell you that even after 29 years this guy can still surprise me?? Not only was he NOT pissed (this kind of thing has a tendency to make him a bit cranky) he was glad. He too realized that S3 got the short stick often, mostly because he is too kind to speak up. **note to self.....remind S3 a couple times a week,what an amazing kid he is **

Then BigD said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. Uh-oh.

He told me, he thought it was time that we did a little updating at the old OHN homestead. We built the house 20 years ago and it is starting to look a little dated (OK, it actually started to look dated about 10 years ago, but with 3 kids, the only updating going on was the contents of the ever vanishing insides of the fridge).

He actually said lets do it.

I don't know who the person is that morphed into BigD's body, but this guy can stay. He is wayyy more mellow. :)

Can I tell you that I am so excited I don't even know where to start? I was up till 4 this morning redesigning my kitchen. In my head my countertops are all granite, my ugly light fixtures are replaced by my dream fixture, with my awesome cookware hanging off the sides, the cook top island is extended to where the table and chairs are now and the table and chairs are banished to the basement. At the end of the island is where we will eat our bread and water (all I will be able to afford once we start, as we are doing this on a cash basis...no debt, thank you very much) on lovely tall stools, and the sliding glass door to the deck that is now "locked" with a wooden dowel, will be replaced by french doors, now that there won't be a table in the way any longer. Mind you, BigD is totally unaware of my slightly vigorous plan, but damn...somehow this is going to happen.

I love my walls so they are staying just the way they are. I had a decorator come in about 4 years ago and do a Tuscan brick and cracked wall theme and it is gorgeous so no changes needed there. (Yes, I will take photos as this idea progresses).

For those of you that just read about my bathroom remodel....the part where I said I would NEVER do this again...well, much like childbirth, some memories fade, and we then repeat the offending act. I guess that is what makes the world spin on its axis.

Knock Knock--Hello???

The coyotes in my back yard didn't get me. I have just been so freaking busy.

So lets recap.

S1 and the whole drunken, obnoxious incident. Bizarrely the best thing that has happened in a long time. Like 18 years. The boy was able to purge many things and my worry about he and his dad never being close again??? They are closer than they have ever been. I could put a whole paragraph here about how guys are weird and handle problems SO differently than women, but suffice to say that I really don't care HOW they got to the point of closeness they have now.....I am just glad they are there.

Normally, with a month long break from school, he would have stuck around at his apartment and not spent much time at home. At this point, he has been here since the 'instant asshole, just add whiskey' night. He has been watching sports with BigD, doing the grocery shopping for me, helping S3 GUT, clean and rearrange his room and on and on.

I have wondered who this kid is that looks just like the independent, can handle anything on his own kid. He looks just like S1 but he has done a 180 as far as wanting to spend time with the family.

I won't lie. I am loving every minute of it.

So, now we just have to get through tomorrow. That's the day we spend at the Clevel@nd Clinic having all the testing for his possible connective tissue disease. I won't be breathing till we are done.

I had my cancer removed. Again. Waiting for the margins to be clear and then hopefully the heybaby area will never again be seen by anyone outside of my bedroom. Seriously.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO BUT S1 KEPT WALKING INTO MY OFFICE AND I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE WHAT I WAS DOING SO I DECIDED TO JUST KEEP IT AND POST AFTER THE C. CLINIC DAY.

That was yesterday. It was a very very long and exhausting day. S1 didn't sleep well the night before and I didn't either. We both were quietly thinking about what news the days events would bring.

I can tell you here, what I didn't tell anyone in the family. I am always in charge of making any type of vacation plans. We are planning to go to South Carolina next summer, but I couldn't let myself make condo reservations because I know S1, and I know that if he had a big red scar running the length of his bony skinny chest, he would elect to stay home and not come with us. He doesn't even like to take off his shirt in the summer because of his extremely thin build (I have never had any idea what having a thin build is like, but a girl can imagine;) so I had been coming up with excuses about not liking each condo for some offbeat reason. I lied to my entire family.

We started with an MRI (I am still not sure if it was a full body or not...this is one of the things I still need to find out). After that he had to have an extensive echocardio.gram with emphasis on the aort.a and the root and all the valves (ok, basically that is what an echo does;). After that was the appointment with the geneticist who asked a multitude of questions and did an exam that included measurements. S1 did have multiple positives on the questioning but when it came to family history, that is when the knife in my chest was twisted once again. I hate the look in S1's eyes when he has to say the words "I'm adopted and I don't know any "family" history". As I have mentioned before..he HATES to be 'different' than the norm, or at least what he considers the norm. Anyway, the doctor (who was adorable and about 8 3/4 months pregnant) was sweet and didn't make a big deal about it. She handled what could have been an uncomfortable pause, or an "oh no" reaction, with ease and just tactfully moved on. I could have kissed her.

By the end of the exam, she stated that she was "certain" (which took me by surprise as rarely do doctors stated anything with certainty...at least none that I have known) that he did not have a connective tissu.e disorder, but quite possibly more of an arthritic condition. She suggested that he see an rheu.matologist when the pains in the joints and aching of the muscles began to effect his lifestyle in a negative manner. While her announcement of certainly was wonderful, I was still nervous about what the cardiovascular doc was going to say about the MRI and echo.

We got to his office and had to wait 2 hours. By this time S1 was climbing the walls and quite testy. He asked if we could just skip the visit and leave since the other doc said he was fine. As much as that appealed to me after sitting for 2 continuous hours watching H.aiti on CN.N, I told him we had to finish up the day. There was NO way I was going to get him back there again.

So, we met the uberspecialist in Mar.fan cardiac problems. He was a strange dude. No personality to speak of and he talked so quietly (and with an accent) that I kept leaning closer and closer to him just to hear what he was saying. I came damn near close to sitting on his lap.

So, his final word. S1 has a slightly enlarged aorti.c root but not to the point where there would be any surgical indication. Trust me, when a surgeon DOESN'T suggest surgery...it's a good day. He recommended that S1 just pop back in for another echo in about 5 years to make sure there was no change, but other than that....go have a good life. Hot damn.

BigD had driven separately because he had to stay in Clevel@nd town for a meeting that night, so as we parted ways. S1 and I got into the car, and his elation was palpable. I started to cry when he said "This....this was a good day". I knew he had been worried but didn't know the extent of his worry until I heard his relief. He was almost giddy. We drove to the nearest App.le store so he could get a new battery, and passed a Cheesec@ke Factory. He looked at me and said "you hungry?" with a big smile on his face. When we left there $42 later, he was full on top of happy.

He talked and talked and talked the whole way home. When we got home he was laughing and teasing with S2 (and with only 17 months difference in age, they have a hot and cold friendship....lately because they live together it has been more cold). This morning, S2 told me that it has been a looonnnnggg time since he had seen his brother this relaxed. My damn eyes leaked once again.

Now, the last medical stuff he has to endure is an upper endosc0py to make sure he doesn't have a malabsorption problem or celia.c disease. (6'2 140 lbs--try buying jeans for this kid). He is scheduled for that early Feb, but after yesterday, he ranks his worry about this at closer to 0 than 10.

We can handle a dietary issue a bit easier than a cardiac issue.

So. For today, all is good.

(that sound you hear is me collapsing on my desk from emotional exhaustion from the past two weeks...excuse me while I go find a miracle cream that can remove the extra wrinkles I earned in the process)

No special effects

Just tossing and turning. I think this is a whole new style I may adopt. In case you can't tell, that is my hair when I woke up. Things are better today. I still feel like I may be slightly off kilter, but S1 is still here, having not bolted back to his apartment to avoid family. (Which is really a very good sign. He likes his solitude and to be honest, I think he is staying a couple of days to show me he is okay. He knows how upset I was/am. )

Though, I am a practiced child of being able to smile and carry on when the inside of my head is exploding. I am not sure if it is the Irish in me, or the years of hiding my terror of my father, or I just come from "strong stock" as I have been told by some.

When I woke up this morning, I stayed in bed for about 1/2 hour just petting Cosm.o and trying to get my "center" back. I realized that if BigD and S1 can compartmentalize what happened the other night, and move on, I should try to do the same. Problem is......I get flashbacks. I have had them all of my life from various events that my mind has captured a permanent photo.

I can be cruising along great then out of nowhere, I hit a wall with images. It is worse when things are quiet and I am not busy. Sometimes they nag and nag until I am so tired of them popping up in my head, I could scream. It is almost like self torture. I have no idea why I can't think of puppies and rainbows instead.

I also seriously want to thank all of you for your very kind comments. There are so many things I put here that nobody in my real life knows about. BigD is huge about not "airing our dirty laundry" (he likes appearances of perfection) but in reality, I know EVERYONE has at least a smudge on their silk, and doing a little airing might help release the stain. I am not sure, but I am glad I can come here and purge a bit. It really does help. Having all the kind comments is strangely comforting and I feel like so many of you would be a blast to have over for a picnic.

I might even wear my new hairstyle.

So far 2010 sucks.

Yeah, I know we are only a few hours in but last night, was undoubtedly the worst night I have had in a very very long time.

When BigD got to the apartment, S1 was belligerent. F-this, F-that about his brother "calling in the cavalry", and on and on. One of the guys went out and brought back some food for S1 and things started to calm down.

Suddenly the shit hit the fan and the fight was on.

S1 proceeded to throw punches (which I bet were rather amusing as he may be 6'2" but he only weighs 145 pounds soaking wet. You would be able to wrap your fingers around his calves.)

BigD has had 32 years of dealing with asshole drunks.....but this is his son.

To back up a little........when BigD got there, he and S2 went into S1's room and found him with a pencil and paper, writing what appeared to be a suicide note. He ranted at them, on and on about how he has been screwed over (unbelievably it all stems back to that sleeze he was sleeping with all fall. I KNEW he was developing feelings...he admitted that he had fallen VERY in love with her and she went back to her boyfriend and he felt crushed---he now swears he will never let anyone in close again.)

BigD looked over on the bed and there was a Le@thermans t00l on the bed. He really felt this was a serious gesture and made the decision that S1 needed to be home, as he felt that S1 and I are close enough he would talk, but more importantly listen to me.

What happened next, may prevent S1 and BigD from ever having a relationship again.

BigD put him in handcuffs, practically carried him out of the apartment and seatbelted him in the back of his car.

Yes. You read that right.

I cannot even begin to tell you my feelings when he called me and told me they were on their way home and S1 was cuffed in the back like a dirtball.

Even as I type this, I can't quit crying. This is my little boy.

I guess S1 had some choice words for BigD the entire ride home. S1, having total recall and a photographic memory brought up things that happened YEARS ago. The time when BigD and I hit a rough patch and he overheard us talking. BigD at that time said he was leaving, and quite honestly I was ready to hold the door for him.....but we worked things through. Marriage can be tough, but to a kid, it is very hard to see that not all things are black and white.

ONE time when S1 was in middle school, BigD made the mistake of grabbing S1 by the shirt collar (BigD knows that this was wrong and has felt bad about it since then) and yelled at him about something (if I remember, I think it was something stupid like a messy room with an added smart mouth attitude) and S1 now thinks that he was always treated this way. He is forgetting the 99% of the time that the family has laughed, played and just been together.

I am sick.

**UPDATE**

It is now almost 6 pm. S1, BigD and I all had a very long talk. Many things came out. S1 said there was never going to be anything close to a suicide attempt. The note he was writing was for his brother to tell him to stay the F out of his life and quit acting like a parent. (S2 doesn't drink and DOES have a tendency to act like "dad" to his brothers. ) S1 did tell me that he cannot believe that his own father put him in handcuffs. To be honest, I can't either. But, I can't second guess BigD. He was there during the worst of it, I wasn't. I was here waiting for a call.

S1 apologized to his brother for being a very mean drunk. He tried to explain that this happens to him when he drinks whiskey. The last time he had whiskey was a year and a half ago, and a similar reaction happened. He has now told us he will stick to the occasional beer. I want to believe him, I really do, but I also think he has some demons in his head.

At one point last night/early this morning, he told me he is afraid he has a brain tumor, and is afraid he is going to die. I promised him we would see as many doctors as he wanted to give him peace of mind. As I mentioned before, we have a day of appointments scheduled in two weeks that will shed much light on almost anything he may have. That appointment day can't come soon enough.

So, I sit here with my son up in his room, with a bandaged knee from some nasty road rash from falling in the street while running away from the apartment (when he heard dad was on the way), a sore head from when he had to be restrained so he wouldn't hurt himself, and a broken spirit. He is such a sensitive guy that he shuts off his emotions so he won't be hurt.

Today, he told me he said things that have been in his head for a very long time, and while he is sorry about how it all happened, he is glad some of it came out, and is no longer bottled up.

I don't know how much of what he said today is lip service to placate me and how much he meant, probably some of both.

That doesn't ease any of my worry though. I don't care if he is 21 or 81, he will always be my little boy. I want to tuck him under my arm and just keep him safe from all demons, real or imagined.

I love my boys so much, it makes my heart ache.

The image of him in handcuffs in the kitchen, waiting for his dad to go get the cuff key to unlock them, is an image that will haunt me forever. So will the look in S1's eyes.

2010 isn't looking very good

I am sitting here, trying not to vomit.

The phone rang about 90 minutes ago. It was S2 telling us that S1 was in a bad way.

He started drinking earlier tonight and has gotten so drunk they were afraid for his safety.

He was talking about wanting to die.

My heart is sick right now. I don't understand any of this. He is so smart, yet he refuses to believe that he has a problem. I am seeing now, that there is indeed a problem.

I know most young people, he is 21, that are in college have some sort of party time, but evidently this has been going on for a very long time. S1 is a master at hiding things, especially his feelings.

BigD hopped in the car and went to college town. He just called and S1 is ripping his father apart...."I never loved you" , "we have never been close" "just leave me alone". It breaks my heart. BigD may be strict, but he is very loving and all the boys should know that he loves them. He says it, he shows it, he means it.

So, here I sit at 2:30 in the morning wondering what do to next. I don't know how far this is going to go, if there needs to be some sort of an intervention to keep S1 from throwing his life away. We have no idea if alcoholism runs in his genes etc.

This is the third trip that BigD has had to make to college town in 3 years. It doesn't sound like alot, but there have been multiple times that I am sure we were not even aware of the gravity of the situation.

S1 has never had many friends. He doesn't think like his peers. He will sit and discuss/debate foreign policy, economic climates, political theory and on and on, but has a hard time relating to kids his own age. To him, they are all immature and don't have a focus. He had a long term girlfriend ( 2 1/2 years) that he split with 1 1/2 years ago and he hasn't had a serious relationship since. He says he isn't looking, yet when I talk to him, I can hear in his voice that each girl he dates, he is hoping settle down with. He likes consistency. Career wise, he tells me his wishes for the future and they mostly include some type of c0vert operations, C.IA, etc.

How do I make him realize that none of those dreams will come to fruition if he is throwing it all away now. He is brilliant, but not very smart.

I am sick with worry and I don't know what to do.