Friday, May 22, 2009

Grocery dipshits.

I am sure you have them in your town. But then again, it is entirely possible they ALL live in mine! I will set the stage. It is a holiday weekend. It is the first “summer” holiday, where people plant flowers, see the neighbors that have hibernated all winter, and one where people cook out food. In order to cook that food on your grill, first you have to get it to your house. So, my first question is to my grocer…the one with the lovely store with 12 checkout lanes that only had 2 of them open..THE DAY BEFORE THE FIRST GRILLING HOLIDAY WEEKEND OF THE SUMMER. Are you kidding me? We were wrapped around those aisles like snakes with carts full of warming meats, with salmonella colonizing and laughing at me, and melting ice-cream that will be disgusting after it refreezes from a mush to a solid again, while your two worst cashiers are manning the only two checkouts open. Now, I don’t work in the food biz, but I think your employee that is in charge of staffing, needs a good swift kick in the ass for not realizing that you would need to have, say, half of your registers open, at minimum. The only upside of these snaking lines is that I had a chance to observe some of ~natures mistakes~ my fellow citizens. I am one of those people that can pretty much figure out someones story by watching them and listening to them for a short time. Take the man who was two carts in front of me. He was obviously putting on a show for all of us observe what a wonderful father and husband he is…after all, HE was shopping with his kids so that makes him wonderful, right? Not so much. Between his two brats boys screaming and climbing on top of the obnoxious carts that are made in the shapes of humvees, (when they are too old and too BIG to be using the kiddie carts anyway) he was pulling apart marshmallows for them to share. Really? They weren’t allowed to have one whole one at a time but 75 halves were okay? Did you even see where their sticky fingers were going or the fact that the kid that was on the floor was using his ½ marshmallow like a sticker to pick up all the crap on the floor BEFORE putting it IN HIS MOUTH. Yeah dude, you are father of the year and the fact that you were louder than your kids, was not a mark in the plus column. I bet because you went to the store for your wife, you think you are getting laid tonight. If she is smart, she is home packing while you are gone with the little snots. To the lady behind me, you came so close to having your eyelids stapled to your forehead. Were you worried that someone might try to sneak in front of you? Is that why you kept ramming your cart into me? Maybe you thought it would get you to the cashier quicker? Lady, trust me, nobody was going to jump in ahead of you, but by the third time I turned around and gently pushed your cart off my heels, I was trying to figure out how I could find out which car was yours and crazy glue your locks… know, because I was ahead of you in line and all….I would get to the parking lot before you. Oh, and please, the next time you are going to the store, take a shower some time that week. So I spent an hour on a 10 minute shopping trip, spent almost 100 bucks, came home and S3 and S2, whined that I didn’t buy anything “good”. Yeah, this weekend is gonna be a riot.


Anonymous said...

I work in retail and I see a lot of crazy people. However, most customers are generally not much of a problem. I just cannot stand people talking on their cellphones when I am ringing them out. That makes me want to drink. After all, I can't yell at them and expect to keep my job.

I like your joke about how that man thought shopping with the kids would result in him getting laid.

Athena said...

Great rant!

*mary* said...

Why do they do that EVERY TIME? As though the store forgot, or did not anticipate the pre-holiday crowds. Get real. That always happens here, too.

Last night (LATE when I went) two off-the-clock emplopyess were behind me whispering about something clandestine. I don't know exactly what- but either an affair they are having, or drugs. My point- go really late at night. The people are weirder, but there are less of them!


Anonymous said...

I have pushed carts before. I hate those kiddie carts and it's not just because they slow me down. Kiddie carts are very hard to control. They are like lawsuits on wheels. I am always afraid I am going to hit something with one of them. It would be nicer if stores did not have them. Make the kids walk (it's a start at the problem of childhood obesity).

Ina in Alaska said...

That was really funny! I bet Marshmallow Daddy was not married but had his two brats with him for assured, he would have to suffer the consequences of his deeds later when they got sick.

Cart lady would not have gotten off as easy as you let her if I was in front of her.... that was extremely rude!

I too love to observe people. Thank goodness for the iPhone. Fantastic fun while waitiing on lines.

blairspage said...

OMG... LMFAO! I do the same thing when I'm at the store! It is VERY annoying when only a handful of lanes are open. Then again, we only have Wal-Mart here because I live in Wal-Mart country... Bentonville... so that's really the only place to shop!

I always check out through the Garden Center. They HATE to see me coming with a full load of groceries! TeeHee!

Hugs - Tiff

Michele said...

I think I was in lane #2 of your store! LOL
Just think what marshmallow mommy and daddy had to deal with when all that sugar hit! Screaming, yelling, running at mach 5! (evil laughter!)
We have the same type of people here, but the ones that annoy me the most are the ones who forget to get dressed before they go out shopping. You've seen em'-- pj pants, old shirts and fuzzy slippers BUT the hair and make up is flawless.
I people watch all the time. Makes work go by faster, restaurants funner, and shopping entertaining!