300 questions

No, I didn't actually get 300 questions. But, here are the questions I did get, with my answers:

Tina from http://littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com/ asked:

Where are you RIGHT now and what are you wearing. And why isn't there a post dedicated to the person who shared with you the secret of the spaces?? HMMMMMMMmmm?? hehe

Well Tina, you DID give me the right answer about the spaces. I guess all that air way up there where you live makes a girl pretty smart. As I read your question I am, as I usually am, sitting at my computer in my office (which has a couch and a TV, so it is a combo office and sleeping spot for the boys) and I am wearing a light blue XXL Tall-T (stolen from the laundry that S2 left here when he went back to school) and my plaid, baggy, flannel boxers. No wonder it took me so long to get pregnant.

Rebel from http://greentshirt.blogspot.com/ asks:

I would like to know if you will consider coming to BlogHer in NY next year and being my roommate/partner in crime/drinking buddy for the weekend.

Well Rebel, if you can stand seeing me in the above outfit, it is entirely possible. I have thought about going to Blogher but have been intimidated by the thought of all those smart women in one place. I have serious self esteem issues and prefer to live in my little bubble where I am the smartest one. (albeit the only one).

The lovely DD of http://ddtko.wordpress.com asks:

Would you like to become a grandparent sooner (in less than 5 years) or later? What kind of grandma do you think you'll be?

Well S1 is going to be 21 in November, S2 will be 20 in the spring....so, yeah, I think if it was closer to the 5 year mark, sure. I would rather be a younger one than an older one. Though, S2 will be a much better dad. S1, is wound a little tight and a teething baby might make him come unglued. This is the kid that gets pissed when the dog barks at the UPS guy, so patience...not so much. As for what kind of grandma I will be, I will LOVE it. I hope they live close so I can snag them for a day here and there. Our kids didn't get to know grandparents because of age and distance and we didn't get to have any "couple time" because there was nobody to swoop in and take the kids for a bit. I would like to be able to do that. Plus, it will be fun watching my sons be tormented by THEIR kids. Sweet revenge. Get 'em all sugared up and send 'em home :)

Deathstar, a strong woman and someone I would like to meet, at http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com is very nosy. She wonders: Okay, I'm in, panties or g-string? If you were on a desert island, and could bring 3 things, what would it be? How did you meet your husband? How did you lose your virginity? Answer any question or all of them!

Dear lord, either panties or nothing. I spend too much time picking things out of my ass crack as it is. Ok, for the desert island, you said things, not people, so I am leaving my kids home. I would take a case of books (a fraction of the ones that I have yet to read), LOTS of chocolate and some sunscreen. Ahhhh the husband question. It is really one of those stories where in normal circumstances we never would have met. I lived in a nice apartment complex that had a pool. The docs I worked for were closed on Wednesdays so that was my day off too. Normally, I would have been holed up in my apartment, avoiding my slutty room-mate, and watching TV (with the sound of the slutty room-mate having crazy monkey sex in the next room). But, this day was a beautiful day, early June, so I headed out for the pool. As you can imagine, it was empty being the middle of the week in an apartment complex that was 99% young working people. Well, when I walked through the gate, there were 4 guys at the pool. One of them was really really cute (it wasn't my husband, it was his best friend) and for some unknown reason, I suddenly and EXTREMELY UNCHARACTERISTICALLY plunked myself down near the guys instead of heading to the far end of the pool. All of the guys got up and went into the clubhouse but one. He was sound asleep. When he woke up and looked around, he had the dumbest look on his face and it made me laugh. He smiled and 22 months later we got married. ...which leads me to the virginity part...of course it was on my wedding night, and if anyone tells you it was in John S's basement when I was 17, they are lying!!

My gal from the east coast, preppyplayer http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com asked:

If you won a million bucks, what are the first five things you would do with it?

I thought this would be an easy one but not really. The first couple of things ~~ I would pay off the house, and set aside a huge chunk to take care of us in our old age (if left up to the kids, we would live in the cheapest nursing home with limited food and heat). That leaves three more things. I would gather all of our family (the 5 of us) along with each of our families (my brother--eeegads, his kids, husbands brothers and their wives and kids etc) and would go on a cruise. I have always been envious of people that go on family reunion type vacations. Although ours would be a bit bizarre, because of the mix of people that would go, imagine the blog fodder it would give me!! So, that leaves two more. I think then, I would find several families that are really doing without, but are good, decent people, trying hard and just not having the luck they need. I would find a way, anonymously to make sure they had the things they needed. No too over the top, no fancy cars or mansions, just the things they need to have an easier life. Doing it this way, I could help more than a few families. Lastly....this is something that I really really want to do before I die. I want to offer scholarships for the "average" kid. Not all kids are in the top 5% of the class and not all are awesome sought after athletes. They are kids like mine. Good, fun, decent, happy, intelligent kids that sure could use some help with tuition and books etc. I would call it "The Average Joe and Jane Scholarship". I would want to pick the kids myself based on their answers to a few questions I would ask. Then I could die a happy woman.

Jen Anderson of the wonderful http://fashionablylatetotheparty.blogspot.com wonders:

If money was no object, what "of the month club" would you sign up for?

This is a tough one. There are so many things that I would like to do. If money was no object, that would mean I wasn't tied to my computer working 14 hours a day, so, I would be free to do things. I think I would join the "trip of the month club". One weekend a month, you could go anywhere, any city, any island, and just recharge.

So that about wraps it up. So how come none of you guy readers asked anything? I imagine, like at my house, you were busy with the remote in one hand and the other one down the front of your pants. I can never tell if the guys are guarding the jewels or keeping their fingers warm. Or both.

Who’da thunk it?

So, I guess I am a little behind the curve. Did y'all know that there is this handy little place online called CR@IGS LIST? All this time I thought it was a place for medical residents to find hookers to kill, or a place to buy someone else’s crap to add to the crap in my house.

Did you know that you can actually look for a freaking job there???? Cowabunga.

I was up till 1:30 this morning emailing and faxing my resume to every state in the good old US of A. Alabama through Wyoming.

So….Monday morning, all these lovely office managers will run to check their emails, hustle to their fax machines, see how incredibly brilliant I am, and decide the practice cannot last another day without me.

So, think I will have a job offer by the end of business on Monday?

Well, hell, a girl can dream, can’t she??

Oh,,,,and keep those questions pouring in. So far Tina, of the lovely wayyyy north is the only one that is the least bit curious, and no, I am not at all concerned that she asked what I am wearing.

300

I just realized I made my 300th post. See, I told you I had an opinion on everything.

So, to celebrate my 300th, I have decided to have my first ASK~OHN session. You ask. I will answer in an upcoming post.

You can ask ANYTHING..personal, serious, curious, whatever. You can send the questions to onlyhalfnuts@gmail.com or you can ask them right here, right now. I will accept questions for a week.

C'mon, you know you have something you really want to know.

High school

· I wrote this yesterday but because blogger was being a butt, it wouldn’t publish…so it is a day late but still true.

Well, it is official. My youngest child is in high school. Today was the first day and it went relatively well.

- He didn't end up face first in a toilet getting a swirly.

- He didn't end up face down in a garbage can in the cafeteria.

- He only "hates" one of his teachers (to be fair, most of the people in the world hate this woman..you would too).

- He didn't oversleep this morning.

- He doesn't have any homework tonight.

- And, he only has one more day till he has two days off. Not a bad gig.

- As for me, I have come to the conclusion that I really really really hate the company I am working for right now. On the up side, it has given me the push I need to get my company rolling again. At this other company, I can ask a very simple, direct question to three different supervisors and get three COMPLETELY different answers. There is absolutely no consistency to any of their policies or procedures and it drives me crazy. I hired on to work part-time, as I still have my own clients to consider. They offered me full time and I explained that I could only commit to 25 hours a week. This is the umpteenth week that they have sent out emails stating there is "mandatory extra hours" required for the weekend. HELLO?! I have a huge issue with this repetitive practice.

- Firstly, when you are hired in at 25 hours, they cannot expect you to do 39 (yeah, just under the full time cut off where they would have to pay benefits or an overtime pay differential) without something in your life losing out....like family, or god forbid, blogging time.

- I asked them a few weeks ago if they were looking to add staff as I knew some girls that would love to pick up some extra hours. Their answer.....no, we won't hire people that work anywhere else at the same time, *even in their off time. Well, now I know why....they want their staff to be available for MANDATORY hours that are not compensated in any additional manner, no pay differential, no time off for good behavior .

They apparently didn't read my application very closely because I CLEARLY stated that I have my own company and still work, picking up the excess from my girls, that I DON'T overwhelm (this could be why they have been with me over 10 years without one complaint..EVER).

*I wonder if they can tell us when to use the crapper too….oh, yeah, I forgot, if you leave the computer for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, you are required to make it up at the end of your shift…so a 3 minute potty break twice in a 5 hour shift equal a 5 hour, 6 minute shift. Assholes.

- When I wondered if I was just being whiny, and not playing well with others, I ran the scenario past several people and they were shocked I hadn't told them to sit on a fork by now.

- So, I am starting my cold calling, trying to beef up MY accounts so I can tell these biotches they won't have OHN to push around any more.

Have you ever...

Dug out an old purse that you haven't used in years and found money inside? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I just did that and found an old 50 DOLLAR BILL jammed down inside. I can't tell you the last time I carried a 50 in a purse. Lets just say you are much more likely to walk away with a few singles if you steal my wallet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So you ask, what I am I going to do with it? Back to school shopping for S3 without me saying "NO! you CANNOT get that, it is ridiculously overpriced!" He is going to get the backpack that he has been drooling over...the one that WILL last him all 4 years of high school.....which he starts on Thursday. He is there till 2 today for his orientation. The school is so large that it is divided into 4 "neighborhoods" and you spend your entire 4 years in your wing of the school, except for the amazing performing arts center and outstanding field house. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I sad? A little. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Am I excited for him? Absolutely. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do I worry about him? Actually, not too much, he has a good head on his shoulders and for the most part, his brothers have been very good role models. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, with the money don't have to spare out of the checkbook, I may have to get myself a little manicure. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 50 bucks....yeahhhhhhhh.

Suggestions please

I just found out that all the boys will be on spring break at the same time. This hasn't happened in the last few years because of them being in different schools. I need something to look forward to, so I am looking for a vacation spot, on the ocean, that will be warm in late March, that will make everyone happy. Suggestions? I looked at cruises-it would be about 7000 bucks with airfare etc for the 5 of us...too much (unless you want to subsidize the trip;) My only criteria is sand and oceanfront...I have to hear the waves or it isn't worth going. If you have a place at the beach, how about renting it to a delightful family?????? So, throw your two cents in, cuz momma needs a plan.

AWKWARD

So, I will set the scene. Last weekend we went to a water park with all the boys and with a friend and his teenage kids. We have vacationed with them before and always have fun (though this time it was minus the Mrs. because there is a NASTY divorce brewing...a post on the whole weekend to follow shortly). Anyway.... We were watching all the people in the wave pool when the following conversation took place: _____________________________________________________________ BIGD TO FRIEND: "Wow, look at the size of the fun bags on that one!" ______________________________________________________________ FRIEND TO BIGD: "Which one?" _________________________________________________________________ BDTF: "The one in the striped suit". __________________________________________________________________ FTBD: "That's Molly" _________________________________________________________________ Insert awkward silence and gaping mouths. __________________________________________________________________ Molly is friends 17 year old daughter. __________________________________________________________________ BigD needs to make an appointment with the optometrist or at least look at the face after he looks at the boobs and BEFORE he opens his mouth. ___________________________________________________________________ (No, in our family it isn't odd for BigD to point out huge boobs in front of me..sad but true.) ____________________________________________________________________ *Molly is not her real name in case you are googling to find a picture of her boobs.

ambivalence-sort of

According to Mr. Webster, or is it Mr. Merriam, what is their connection anyway? Were they just really smart lovers that sat around all day explaining words to each other? Maybe Merriam is Mr. Websters first name....if so, his parents really didn't want him or they wouldn't have named him Merriam. Now that we have that straight...here is what they say about he word ambivalence: (which ironically, they invented the year my mother was born, but that has nothing to do with this post so just forget that for now).

• Main Entry: am·biv·a·lence
• Pronunciation: \am-ˈbi-və-lən(t)s\
• Function: noun
• Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary
• Date: 1918

1 : simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action 2 a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

— am·biv·a·lent \-lənt\ adjective

— am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb

SO...I had no real use for that word for most of my life as I never really knew what it meant until my brother was going through his second divorce and kept telling me that "the counselor" told him his soon to be ex was ambivalent. If I had to be married to him I certainly wouldn't fluctuate about leaving. My ass would have flown THROUGH the door just to get out faster. This post isn't about my brother either, so just ignore that last thought too.

The post is about my children. Oy Vay! (Am I allowed to say that if I am not Jewish?). The older two are going to be sharing a house at college this year (with three additional guys so you can only imagine what the place will look AND smell like in short order. Lets just say, I will help them move in, then I won't be back. We can meet for meals somewhere or they can come home, but I am not about to undergo a series of immunizations to step foot in the place.

So, this is where the ambivalence comes in. I am going to miss them like crazy AND I can't wait for them to get the hell out of the house.

Things I will miss:

Humor--they crack me up ALL THE TIME.

S1 (the freakishly brilliant one) gets me going on these tangents where he starts quoting things I should know, and dont. He is a political junkie and is more informed than most senators and congressmen (not joking here...he could converse them to their deaths) and he has a wry sense of humor that many people don't "get". They look at him, unsure of how to respond and before they figure it out, he is on to the next subject.

S2 (the easygoing, laid back, I'll get around to it, kid). This ones grades didn't rise above a 2.3 but everyone loves him. He walks into a room, smiles and all is good. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes that I cry. His imitations are DEAD ON and he will stay in character for so long I start to get pissed because I don't know who I am talking to, him or the character.

Things I will NOT miss:

Not having clean dishes in the cupboard because they use 4387 dishes and glasses per day.

Taking my last COLD lipton white tea from the fridge, late at night, I wake up I curse them under my breath.

The late hours. They just plain suck. The boys aren't the ones that wake me up. They are very quiet when they come in....it is the DOGS. They hear the car pull in and start thumping their tails , which are typically somewhere near my head when I am sleeping (do all dogs sleep facing away of just my strange mutts?) and the thumping wakes me up....then hot flashes KEEP me up.

Leaving the garage doors open all night. I have asked, pleaded, threatened and they still can't seem to hit that little teeny button by the door. They don't even have to physically close the door, just push a little button so our garage ceases to be the place where all raccoons, stray cats, chipmunks and bunnies live. (I have found all of the above-though not on the same morning-in my garage.

Lastly....them using my car. S1's car died so we worked that out but S2 had to sell his piece of shi...um, car to an unsuspectin....nice guy, so he would have enough money for his rent. I thought he was a little too OK with selling it, until I realized he assumed we would be sharing MY car. See, I said MY car, not OUR car. It isn't even the fact that I don't want him to use it...if he used it as a car-- instead of a locker-room-- I wouldn't care as much. Yesterday I went to the store and when the cute bagger boy went to put the groceries "in the back" he said, "where should I put them?" The entire back was loaded with clothes, a football, shoes-multiple pairs, a case of water he bought and never brought into the house, 3 folding chairs caked with dried mud and two wet towels.

So, as you can see from the disparity of the number of things I will miss vs the number of things I won't miss...it is time for them to leave.

They move Saturday. Sunday I am cleaning my house, boxing up whatever they leave, sticking it away for them to take to their house someday and reclaiming my home. Yeah, yeah, I know it is still their home too but until they start coughing up the dough for the payments, utilities, taxes, food, etc...they are only allowed visitation.

I reserve the right to whine and complain about missing them in subsequent posts....seeeeee...ambivalence--this post did have a point.

So....here's the story of my blissful weekend

This is not the plane we arrived on.

Do you remembering hearing about the bomb threat at LaGuardia airport last week? Guess who started their NYC adventure sitting on the tarmac for two hours waiting for the bomb squad to clear our gate as it was a crime scene.? Welcome to my weekend.While sitting, we had the perfect view of the cottoncandyhaired ones own transportation. Probably a bit more leg room than we had.

It was a whirlwind of fun and I was completely exhausted. We ran on practically no sleep, beginning with the night before I left, because I was so afraid I would oversleep and miss our 6 AM flight. (Yes, I am the crazy one that chose that time—to maximize the time away--thankfully we are only about 25 minutes from the airport).

Our first stop was the hotel where we were told we would be sharing ONE queen bed. My friend and I looked at each other and both of us were thinking that might not be the most comfortable way to spend a weekend. I was prepared to camp in the lobby if necessary. Later that day, they switched us to a suite….MUCH better.

Since we were running a little late I was worried that things wouldn’t align for us to meet up with one of the sweetest people around. We “met” through blogs and she offered to show us some hidden parts of the city. We found some excellent bargains and it was wonderful. My friend was a little concerned that I didn’t really “know” this person, but I am an excellent judge of character and I knew that Patty (http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com) was a keeper and I wasn’t the least bit concerned about her being a psychotic killer :)

When we parted ways with Patty, we checked into our new bigger room, rested for 30 seconds and off we went again. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and we started our million mile march through Manhattan. For your viewing pleasure, I took about 100 photos, but in an effort to not make you nuts, I will only share some and will try to describe what and where they are.

This cemetary is the biggest one I have ever seen. It is featured in many movies shot in NYC including "The Godfather". Sorry, we were speeding by and the driver couldn't remember the name. On the way into the city Destination...Manhattan There is a long story that goes with this photo, but the short version is as follows. It was getting late and we didn't want to take the subway. We hopped a cab in Chinatown and headed to midtown. The driver took a "shortcut" on the FDR so we wouldn't hit traffic. OOPS. There was construction. We were on the FDR for over an hour-this is one of the photos taken from the back seat- (for a 10 minute trip) and the driver was an adorable kid (24) from West Africa. He stopped the meter at 8 bucks and we started talking. He is single, desperately wants to become a teacher but being a noncitizen, he has to work as a cab driver to make money for his family back in West Africa. By the time we arrived at our destination, we knew as much about his family as he did. I felt like Opr@h. We gave him some ideas and he thanked us profusely as we exited his car. It was the least expensive ride we had all weekend. Of course, shopping was a huge portion of my weekend. I bought so many things, yet barely spent any money. These photographs are for S1. He loves old photographs and these were a big hit. They were 5 bucks. Score. I mentioned the lovely Patty. We went on an adventure with her and this is just part of my haul. Some of the stuff I bought is already in my jewerly box and I was too lazy to drag it all out so this is a sampling. (As an FYI, the coral colored earrings, I saw on an actress yesterday when I was watching a rerun of the show Royal P@ins on USA..she was the mother of a character, and I spotted them right away and was floored). The prices were UNBELIEVABLE! score. These are the two pashmina's I bought. They are much prettier than my cheapo camera shows. Our upgrade. Believe me when I tell you that most hotel rooms in NYC are barely big enough to turn around. Ours had two rooms, a kitchen and huge bathroom. Did you remember that it didn't cost us a dime? Score. Times Square during the day with barely any people. At night it is a whole different story. Lets just say don't store anything in your back pocket and hold onto your purse...it is wall to wall people literally a cattle chute for humans. Chinatown. There are so many sights, sounds and SMELLS along the way. Once you get off the tourist path and wander a bit into the neighborhood, you see where the residents do THEIR shopping. It was a fascinating experience. YES, these were LIVE. Dried varieties of fish, shrimp, etc. GOLD...very shiny gold. One random example of architecture in Chinatown. Public park in Chinatown....kids playing soccer, tae kwon do, relaxing on a Sunday. Little Italy. Fun, festive, good food and right next door to Chinatown. One of the fire departments that lost members in the WTC attacks. There were plaques on both sides of the building commemorating the firefighters that were lost that day. Hmmm...need a gun? You need to somehow enlarge this one. We watched this woman sit wtih this hydrant up her butt while we enjoyed our raspberry sorbet's. Pollo ala Nico at Da Nico's in Little Italy. The presentation was beautiful but to be truthful, it was a little dry and a little bland. Our sorbets while watching the fire hydrant enema. Main street through Little Italy. Note the elder in the upstairs window. He is the reason I took this photo. He was yelling out at his cronies. It was such an honest feel for living in this area. More L.I. Ok...so on Sunday morning it POURED rain. We had a backup plan in case that happened so we headed off to MOMA...(the Museum of Modern Art). It was near our hotel and the friend I went with was an art and design major in college so she was literally my personal guide. She knew about all the artists on display, even small details about their personal lives and what made them create their works at certain periods of their lives. The artist below......well we can only imagine what was going on in his mind at the time of this creation. Pollock. I think my kids have replicated this exact creation in 3rd grade. This one made me hungry. Sorry some of these are sideways, for some reason they wouldn't flip around for me. We were shocked to see a portrait of the two of us hanging in one of the galleries. Picasso. Never did like his stuff. Andrew Wyeth. I never knew the true story behind this piece. My friend cleared all that up for me. I would love to see inside one of these round apartments. I would also like to know how much the rent is. Times square at night...note the 2009 "ball" at the tip. On new years eve this is what you see. Rockefeller Center at night. These are just a sampling of the tiles that are hung in the Village. If you want more info, please visit the blog written by http://ournameisblog.blogspot.com..Lorrie Veasey. Little shops in the Village. We had wonderful conversations with many of the shop owners. Breakfast at the Waverly in the Village. It was fresh, hot and delicious. (Spinach and feta cheese omelet...yum). I could put dozens more photos here but you get the drift. It was a fantastic trip. I even bought furniture fabric in the Village that here locally would run about 45-50 a yard...I snagged an end of a bolt for 5 bucks a yard. When I get my little chair covered, I will show you. I was so tired when we got back that it honestly took me three full days to feel oriented again. Getting older sucks. I could have done this trip a few years ago without feeling like I was mowed down by a semi. Then again....if anyone wants to go tomorrow, give me a call :)

i am still alive

For those of you that were worried that I was left for dead, in a gutter, in NYC, I can assure you I am fine. I am in the midst of organizing photos to share and getting my trip details in order. IT WAS MARVELOUS.