Farah AND Michael

Is anyone else stunned? I knew she had cancer, but him...all I know for sure that he had was plastic surgery. You know how they say that everyone is only 6 people away from knowing everyone else? I have a Farah connection. Remember that poster of her...the one with the red bathing suit with the points? The guy that printed that and made a gazillion dollars, lives around the corner from my house. Well, he did, I think he might be in jail now. He was involved in a lot of shady crap. Anyway, the house is up on a hill and we always called it "the house that Farah built". Michael...no connection to him, except he may know Lebron J@mes and Lebron lives about 10 minutes from me and when S1 was in high school he used to cook breakfast for LBJ at a local national eatery (rhymes with 'awful house')when LBJ would come in with his buds. (yes, he was a good tipper, not over the top but kind) S1 NEVER called us and told us so we could swing by to get a peak. S1 is totally not impressed by anyone "famous" ...except Stephen Colbert...he loves him. He quotes him. He sends me links to his show. He wants to be him. So...today two famous people have died that are a weird combination if you think of them arriving at the pearly gates...wow, that's a conversation I would pay to hear.

Got 20 G's?

If you happen to have a spare $20,000 stuffed in your mattress and the lumps are getting to you, let me know and I will send you my address. I figured out today (while very down, and ticked off that my anti-nut medicine doesn't seem to be working--but then again, it's hard to tell when one level of nuttiness blends into another :) anyway, I figured out today that if I had the aforementioned bucks, I could fix both broken cars, (I did mention that I canceled the collision coverage on the older car right before S1 smashed it right? just refreshing your memory), I could pay off ALL our bills (BigD's medical bills from last fall, a credit card that we had to use for an emergent situation--no, not pizza, help the boys with their 6 month rent that is due soon, and I could start my new business. What new business you ask? I haven't talked about it here because it is a wonderful idea, that hasn't been tapped yet and most certainly someone with some extra cash in their mattress WOULD steal the idea. When I do it, believe me, I will share. It will change lives. I am not even kidding. The few people I have entrusted with the idea, have been blown away. My next step is to a lawyer to figure out all the legal crap that has to be covered with this idea. It may vary from state to state and I need to talk with a slick willie to make sure all the T's are crossed. I have been working on this and tweaking it for about a year, I have my mission statement written, my business plan drawn up, my brains are in place (well, the ones I am hiring, not my actual brain) and once I get these immediate concerns taken care of....I will be off to bring happiness to the world, a little at a time :) I do wish though that this sunshine would brighten my mood. I get so stressed when money becomes an issue in my way. I have always been frugal (my friends call me cheap but what the hell to those spend-thrifts know--hell, they even shop for clothes more than once a year, wasteful people.) I am far better with money than BigD. If it is in his pocket, it is spent. Years ago he realized, after missing a payment here and there, that I was the one that should be taking care of our finances and it has worked out well for us. But, on the other hand, he glides along blissfully while I am stressing out here. He does not want us to help S1 with either car repair. (the broken one is his and the one he broke is ours, but he broke it) Total, it will come to about 4 grand. Ok, so here is a college junior working the only job he could find, it is part-time, he is paying rent and utilities, so where is he supposed to come up with that kind of money (legally)? I want to help him but I also need to respect my spouses feelings so I am stuck in the middle AGAIN. It seems to be a spot I am in too often. On top of all that, I got an email today from the people that we were going to rent the beach condo from before all this crap happened and we had to cancel all of our plans. They just wanted to let us know they still had that week open (yeah, I bet they do, we aren't the only ones staying home this year) and their note, though very very sweet, just reminded me that things suck right now. Pity party over for the day. Send cash.

Remember last week?

Things have done a 180°. So far this week, I got great news. The poopshoot biopsy results...AMAZING. Nothing bad. I am good to go for another 50,000 miles or 5 years, which ever comes first. (as long as I remember to oil regularly--ewwww;) Then S1 reached another maturity milestone. He handled a negative situation with aplomb. (as I always tell S2 when I use "big words"...look it up). He has recovered from his wallet theft with no scars, and when told by a girl he was crushing on that she just wanted to be "friends" he didn't characteristically implode. He said ok, and told me about another girl he has been running into lately and he may ask her out. WOW. If you knew him, you would know why this makes me feel so damn good. S3 had to have three whopping teeth pulled this week. I was dreading it more than he was because having a whining, bloody drooling, guy around wasn't going to be my idea of a good time. He SAILED through it, only had about 4 hours of whining, only took one pain pill (which leaves 29 of the suckers for momma) and he is eating solid food already. He is my kid alright :) (Yeah, and by the way, what normal oral surgeon prescribes 30 strong pain pills for a 14 year old? Either S3 is amazing because he only needed one, or this doc is out of his gourd. Though, he was really hot. I mean REALLLLYYY hot. It's a good thing he didn't have to sedate me because I am sure I would have made an ass out of myself TELLING him how hot he was ;) Today, BigD's paycheck was auto-deposited and the amount was about 800 freaking dollars more than normal. I called him and he told me why (unfortunately it is a one shot deal) but it sure does make the weekly bill paying a more relaxing event. Hell, I may not even have to have my three stacks titled:: MUST PAY TODAY; CAN WAIT A LITTLE; and HA! TRY TO GET MY MONEY SUCKERS!. Then a girl that S2 went to high school with, just randomly showed up at the door, telling him that she heard through the grapevine he was thinking about selling his car. He owes his dad and I $700 for repairs we helped him with and she is offering $1500 so that puts $800 in his pocket (he paid $2100 two years ago, so technically he got two years out of it for $600)...he is a happy camper. I DO think though, that he will miss having wheels, so we will see what happens there, but hey, the rust bucket won't be parked in my way any more :) I have already warned him that my car is MY car, not OUR car. Also, BigD is leaving on Sunday for a 3 day conference so I will be shoving all the animals over to his side of the bed and I will blissfully sleep and not wake up with a bruised butt. Oh, I think I forgot to tell you that I one night last week he was moving around in his sleep and his knee kicked my butt so hard it left a bruise. He didn't believe me till I showed him. I told him that he had better hope one of these nights I don't start dreaming that I am squeezing oranges :) That's my week in a nutshell from the nuthouse.

An assignment for you.

Mama Kat doles out assignments like the nasty English teacher that got a thrill out of knowing your assignment was going to take you forever to do and she knows she won't even really read it before she grades it, because she doesn't give anyone anything higher than a C+. So, if you don't want to get "the LOOK" from Mama Kat, you had best follow her orders and answer one of her questions on your blog. As for me, I will do all. I have nothing else to do because I am sitting with S3 whose face is stuffed with gauze after having 4 teeth yanked out today. This is supposed to be a post for tomorrow but I have to turn my paper in early Mama Kat, I have to work many hours tomorrow and won't have time. Please don't take points away. I am inept at getting my green linky thing to work so here is her address: http://mamakatslosinit.blogspot.com/ The Prompts: 1.) Grab your current read. Let the book fall open to a random page and share two “teaser” sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12. (inspired by Heather) 2.) What do you aspire to be? (Inspired by The White House) 3.)Share a piece of unsolicited parenting advice...only I'm soliciting it. 4.)Tell us about your blogline...how long have you been blogging, when did you start, what were/are your goals for your blog, etc. (inspired by Corn) 5.)If you had 5000 dollars to give away or donate to a charity...explain what you would do with it and why. (inspired by Hallie's letter) Okay : 1) "How many men do you know who pick up on the subtleties of human behavior the way women do? It has nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with the unique way women perceive things" (To be truthful, I finished the book two days ago and haven't started a new one. It is by Robin McGraw (yeah, Phil's wife) and I picked up the book at a $3.00 table at Borders, not sure if I would even like it and I was surprised at how much I did.) 2)I aspire to be a caring, nurturing mother to the boys that really think that they no longer need to be mothered, but someday will realize how smart I really am, and trust me with their kids. Oh, and I aspire to be rich too. 3)Ahhh, unsolicited advice...I do that really well. The one thing that always worked for me is talking. talktalktalktalktalk all the time and about everything. Truthfully, I started talking about everything when they were just toddlers. Drawing answers from them about things they see, think, wonder about etc. It has shown the kids that my ears and heart are always open and they tell me all sorts of things, some of which I probably would be fine not knowing about, but yet, they trust me and have learned to communicate. I think their wives will thank me one day. 4)I would have to go back and look, but I think this is probably year 3 of my ramblings. Ironically it all started because of a comment I made on someones infertility blog (having ridden that horse myself) and decided I had more to talk about...so here I am. 5)Well...assuming that it was mandatory that I give it away, and not use it to bail my sorry ass out of debt, or make car insurance payments, medical bills, utilities and on and on and on,....I would start a scholarship fund for the average kid. I would call it the "average but great kid" scholarship. There are very few places where really good kids, that are average students, can catch a break on college tuition. Hey, they all can't be 1st in their classes and quite honestly, these kids can be wonderful leaders, every bit as much as the valedictorians who will get full rides and may or may not contribute significantly to society. So darlings, it is your turn. Mama Kat has a pointer and she knows how to use it.

Where the hell do I live?

From the look of this piece in our town paper you would think that I live in the wilderness somewhere. I am actually 20 minutes from a major city that any of you would recognize. I did take he opportunity to scratch out the names of the streets, not because I think YOU are weird, it is the other guy, the one down your street, that may decide to track me down. You, well I would totally go out to lunch with you. Enjoy. (June 5th was an especially interesting day). click to enlarge

6 days of fun

Here is the view of my life since last Sunday. Sunday was the day I started the 'prep' for the test on Monday. It entailed eating no food but chugging 2 liters of nasty liquid concocted to make me eliminate anything that had passed through my lips for the previous week. n.a.s.t.y. two liters in 80 minutes. yuk. Ok, so that done, on Monday morning at 5:30 I had to down only a mere 10 ounces of lemony salt water that was supposed to assure that the previous days concoction had done its job. It had. My colon was clean enough to squeak. Then comes the test. I was given large doses of drugs that I woke up from twice. Long enough to look at the monitor and see mister reeealllly long camera tunneling through the regions of my intestines that I really never cared to see. Oh, and the times I woke up, I YELLED..OWOWOWOWOW and was given more drugs. Thank you mister ass doctor. (He really is a very nice man and told me later in his broken tongue--you neeted verdy much suddashun--yeah, lucky me. Apparently when S3 was csectioned out of me, mister baby doctor threw my bowels back in on a whim hoping they would land where they needed to be. Guess what? They didn't. mister ass doctor had to straighten out the kinks, though since they have been there for 14 freaking years, they will probably spring back that way before I know it. Then mister ass doctor said that he had to take biopsies from the REALLY HIGH UP small intestine to check for some sort of condition that he thinks I might have. More on that when the report comes back. So that was Monday...lets move on to Tuesday. I had to work because, no workee, no payee. My intestines felt like someone had rotorootered through them, oh yeah, someone had. But like a good little worker I worked. I was interrupted no less than 25 times by various males in this home asking what we had to eat (told them to look in the fridge, that the list I had written on my arm washed off in the shower), where are there any clean towels (look on the floor of whatever room you were in last when you used a towel), when will you be done working (the same time I have been done working every day, forever), can you make my airline, hotel and car reservations (make them yourself you 54 year old helpless person--well actually I said, I would when I got around to it, but I wanted to say the first part), do we have any _______[insert anything here cause we all know that I am the only one that knows where anything is], once again, look where it has been kept your entire life......anyway, you catch my drift. Lets jump to Wednesday. Remember that post where I told you that we are letting S1 use BigD's car because he is living in college town and working this summer?? Remember? This is the pristine jeep that is unbelievably 12 years old. It runs and looks brand new, well it did until S1 crashed it. Yeah, that was a fun call. The day before I had changed our insurance coverage to not carry any collision on that car, cuz, you know it is 12 and we would probably not even need collision. Not even kidding...the DAY BEFORE the crash this was accomplished. A $500 deductible sounds pretty good right now considering to fix the jeep will cost in the area of $5,000 that we don't have. fuck. The lady he hit thankfully was nice and didn't get out of her car limping or screaming about her back or neck. She just decided to get her car fixed and our insurance company ponied up almost 6 grand for her repairs. Can't wait to see how this changes our premiums. again,fuck. Now Thursday brings its own set of fun to the table. S1 called and was freaking out. It seems as though he had a little gathering at his little apartment Wednesday night and when everyone left, someone helped himself to S1's wallet. Gone. Poof. School ID, license, gas credit card, debit card, 40 bucks cash (his share of the electric bill for the month)and worst of all, the wallet itself. It was his very first wallet. He got it for Christmas when he was 13 and it had a crisp 20 dollar bill in it. Not only that, but when he got his license I had given him a coin with a guardian angel on it that he kept in the wallet. Honestly, I think we are both most upset about that. (though it didn't keep him from getting into an accident a couple of days earlier, but then again, he wasn't hurt so maybe it did work). He filed a police report and told them who he suspects took it and they told him, good luck proving it and that he will most likely never see it again. They probably snagged the 40 bucks and ditched the wallet in a dumpster somewhere. We have checked the gas account and debit card balance (reported the theft to both) and so far nobody has used it so it probably IS in a dumpster. Today, well today just sucked all around. I woke up 10 minutes before work (having overslept because I couldn't get back to sleep after the nightmare I had) and had to wake up and jump right in, which meant engaging my brain..fast. I had to make reservations for BigD to go to his yearly conference. Originally I was supposed to join him for a couple days to "reconnect" but now, with the car damage, and other financial crap, I won't be going. I was even supposed to meet the dear and wonderful Beagle there and now it is not going to happen. I really really need to get away and now am completely hateful of anyone that tells me how excited they are for their upcoming vacation. Yes, OHN can be a bitter bitch. So, BigD and I won't be reconnecting for awhile and really, I am not in the mood anyway. This afternoon, when he got home from work, he needed to eat, as he didn't get time for lunch today...he looked me square in the eye and asked "where is the toaster"? It took a minute for it to register that he was asking me where an appliance was that has been in the same place for the last 17 years. He is very very lucky I didn't throw it across the room, in his general direction. So how was your week?

blog responsibly

I checked my email a few minutes ago and two people had commented on the post that I had no idea I had posted. How weird is that. It just goes to show you that with the right drugs, you could go through life with amnesia. BigD is getting ticked that I keep asking him what the doctor said. The most horrifying event of the day...BigD dressed me after the procedure. I don't remember any of it. That means that I probably didn't remember to suck in my gut. Shit.

clean as a whistle

What does that saying really mean anyway?? Since you put whistles in your mouth I wouldn't think they would be considered clean ANYHOO had the scopin this morning and everything was just peachy. Off to take a nap :) THanks for all of your kind comments and emails. OHN~hugs and kisses (the drugs made made me a softer, gentler OHN)

Waayy too much TMI

If you really don't want to read anything yukky, then I suggest you move along. I am about to bare my guts. Almost literally, but I WILL spare you photos of them. Lets start at the beginning. The first time I remember having problems in the, shall we say, bowel area, I was about 4. That is when the stress in my little life reached an all time high. As a result, I became a little 4 year old non-pooper. I vividly remember Mrs. Carter, my babysitter, sitting in the water closet with me, holding my hand, singing songs, to help calm me down enough to do what I was there for. She was the sweetest woman on earth. I remember having to drink all sorts of concoctions and going to a doctor that did things that should never be done to little girls. As life has gone on, my stomach/bowels have always been what goes ape-shit when I am stressed. From the outside I appear to be the most confident person alive. I am confessing here and now, it is all a sham. I am a jumble of nerves and paranoia. At some point, my guts decided that THEY would decide when to interfere with my life. It no longer was just during times of stress. Sometimes I could be clucking along just great then !BAM! the rest of my day/night is spent rushing to the little room where the magazines are kept. I have learned to live with this over the years. I put up with all the teasing from BigD about being full of shit (yeah, he is a riot) and then about 3 hours later I tell him no....not any more. The pain has gotten to the point where it hurts, A LOT. I guess that is why it is called pain. Anyhow, a couple of months ago, I was so sick from this that BigD wanted to take me to the ER. Our local ER is full of docs that I know, picnic with, and have known for years and years, so the thought of any of them wanting to "take a look" or "examine" my backside and innards....no freaking way. I toughed it out, but it was bad. Really bad. When I finally got in to see my female doc, she told me that since things has accelerated and now there was the extra component of what I thought was a period but was coming from the wrong place, it was time for the dreaded scope. Once again, it happens to be that my neighbor is the best GI guy in this region. So it looks like he gets the prize of going where nobody belongs. So, when you are eating your breakfast today, lunch, dinner, know that there is a part of me that is hating you. Today, my diet will consist of tea, water, jello, and a bunch of horrid pills and liquids that will make my body do what it does without prompting most of the time. I can't wait. I cannot even tell you how much I am dreading this prep. The scope..not so much. I will be doped up--hopefully REALLY doped up--and shouldn't hopefully call the doctor a sonofabitch during the procedure. He is such a sweet, gentle, soft spoken man and I would hate to have him know the real me :) I am so preoccupied with worry about the prep that I haven't even considered that they might actually FIND something wrong in there. So, last night BigD and I went to a wedding and reception of a girl that grew up next door. It was beautiful, the venue was AMAZING, and I can honestly say it was the best wedding and reception I have ever been to, including mine. The reception was indoor/outdoor, the night was clear and there was a full moon...fabulous. The food...wow. I haven't eaten that well in so long I don't remember when. So today, I get to starve, and visit the magazine room. Wish me luck. (I have no idea why I decided to even post about this gross subject...maybe it is my head that needs to be examined!)

passages

In our society we recognize passages of time, events, life, accomplishments etc. Today was one of those days for me. S3 has made the passage from middle school to high school. As of 1:30 he is officially a freshman. I just had to share with you a few observations I had while sitting on the rock hard bleachers in the gym for 2 freaking hours. My first thought was that the administration was dragging it out as long as possible to torture us parents because they have been stuck with our little darlings for the 3 years. I ruled that out, but not completely. Everyone on staff (at least it seemed like everyone) had something to say and basically they all had different versions of "don't turn into a turd in high school" study, blah, blah, get involved blah blah, don't cave to peer pressure blah blah...mind you, these are all great things, but I heard it 27 different ways and it was still the same thing. Then there were the awards. I think it is nice to recognize the kids that have really shown effort and school spirit, through academics and/or good citizenship but a reward for not missing a day of school all year???? THose are the little shits that came to school, heaving up their guts, or coughing up lungs and MADE THE REST OF THE KIDS SICK. But, I guess it is ok that S3 missed a week of school with 103 fever, so you could get A PIECE OF PAPER proving that your mother was a thoughtless bitch and sent you to school sick because she didn't want to be bothered with your little snotheaded self. And for you kid, you the one that got the award for not missing a day of school in ALL three years of middle school....watch your mommas back. I did have a chance to pick out S3's wife though. She is adorable and won so many freaking awards that by the last time she had to trot up to the stage, the poor girl was nearly out of breath. When I told him afterwards that he was allowed to marry her, he smiled and said "yeah, shes hot". Not really what I expected. Then we can move on to the pervy music teacher that is retiring this year. Every girl that came up front for an award, he checked out their legs. (Hey, I was bored and people watching is very cathartic for boredom). So many of the girls looked so cute in sundresses (this is the first year that they all looked appropriate, not a hoochie in the bunch, but most had skirts and tops or jumpers etc. Anyway this guy really started to piss me off. I wanted to yell to him to remind him that the girls had faces too. I am glad he is retiring. Did he really not think that after the 15th leer that someone would pick up on his gaze? EW. So, that's about it. S3 did win two awards, one for excellence in Language Arts ( in the stone age we use to call it English class) and an award for science. Don't ask how he did in math. He just got his phone back after a month because of his math grade. (aren't people that are smart in science supposed to be whizzes at math? For some reason it didn't work here.) Well ta-ta till next time.