Sunday, December 31, 2006
Happy New Year to all of you. For all my blogs that are trying to expand their family, my wish to you is a baby filled 2007. Those of you that are trying to quit a bad habit, think about how you are hurting those you love, that may be the motivation you need. Those of you that are feeling low, go out of your way to make a friend by being a friend. As for me, I think I will write my story. I will start at the beginning and post pieces as I go along. There are too many things that nobody knows and it is all part of what makes me, well, me. I found out today that our very young neighbor has entered Hospice. She is not someone I know well though our youngest boys play together. I knew she was sick but I didn't know she was dying. I think the thing that makes me feel the worst is that I never really cared for her. She always had an air of superiority and I thought she was stuck up. Now I never will get to know her and it makes me sad that I never gave her a chance. Maybe she would have been a good friend. All I can think of is all the times I am whiney about stupid things that in comparison are miniscule to what their family is enduring. What a crappy way for them to start a new year.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
I spent a couple of days with family in Michigan and fell madly in love with their dog. I want another one-no I don't, yes I do, no I don't..you get the idea. What I want is the perfect dog..no shedding, cuddly, housebroken but not old, sweet, small enough to fit on the chair with me but not so small it quivers and pees everytime it gets happy. I made my family promise me when we lost our two dogs that they would not get me a Christmas puppy..you know what~I think I was secretly a little disappointed--no I wasn't, yes I was, no I wasn't...whatever. I have a list why getting another dog right now would be wrong..I have to remember to post it all over the house to keep me from caving!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Being a mom basically means working all the time. Whether you are at your paying job or home, you are working. Yesterday I heard the following three questions in a 20 minute time span while I was sitting on the couch reading a new book I got for Christmas: Son#1 "Mom, what’s wrong?" Son#2 "What are you doing Mom?" Son#3 "Are you sick?" THEY WERE ALL TOTALLY SERIOUS! Okay boys this is what a mother looks like when she isn’t cooking for your bottomless food receptacles, washing mountains of your smelly socks and underwear, cleaning the house that you can defile in moments upon entering, refereeing yet another ridiculous disagreement between three semi grown young men that should grow the hell up, answering endless phone calls from cute little lovelies that want to be your girlfriends, and actually working a FULL TIME job on top of it all. If nothing else it screamed to me that I need to spend more time on my ass so it isn't such a foreign sight to my family. I decided today, again, that I will be only laundering hubby’s and my clothes. They all know how to run the washing machine and for a period of time, all were doing their own laundry. When I really looked at the clothes in there today…somehow many many articles of apparel belonged to the boys…they have been slowly sneaking their clothes in my wash loads….not any more. One of them is a bit weird about touching things that have previously touched a body, even his own…he won't use a towel more than once and uses a couple of them each day. The other one, will use them over again but has to find one that is dry on his floor where it landed the day before (don’t even ask-his room is uninhabitable.) The last one I have to push into the shower and describe what soap is..(though he is noticing girls so I am thinking that will change soon and he will join his brothers in either the only touch a towel once or the bedroom floor towel supply.) During the summer they all had certain things they had to accomplish before leaving the house. Once school started I let up a bit because they needed to concentrate on their grades…well guess what guys, we are a week into winter break but summer rules apply starting today. Too bad they don’t know I have this blog and won't ever read this, but rest assured they will all get "the talk" tonight!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Every Saturday morning I get a copy of an e-newletter that just cracks me up. It proves how many completely stupid people there are all over the place. If you are bored, check it out. http://thisistrue.com. It is free, no, I don't know the guy and have nothing to gain. I think we can all use a little chuckle now and then. I now have 3 hours to bake 6 dozen cookies, wrap 27 presents, clean the house, and go grocery shopping. I am woman, hear me roar. (for those of you that are waaay younger than me, that was a song long ago sung by a lady named Helen Reddy--I have no idea what ever happened to her). Bye for now~
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
I own my own company. I love being my own boss. Some people are just nasty a**holes. One of my clients called yesterday screaming at me for something that turned out to be TOTALLY UNRELATED to my service. The problem was with one of his office staffers. Ok,I can take it with the best of them but don't call yelling at me for something that has nothing to do with me. I think the thing that ticks me off the most is that this particular physician goes on frequent rants, all while proclaiming to be "a good Christian"..don't even get me started~I just have to remember that for every one like this guy, there are 20 that I get praise from for doing a great job-so why does it bug me so much that this guy is a jerk?
Friday, December 15, 2006
I am notorious for being, shall we say, frugal.I can't remember the last time I paid full price for anything. Today I hit the motherload. My cell phone has been missing an antenna for about 2 weeks. Since I use it for work, it was getting rather old having to run to a window to get a signal every time I got a call. I trucked off today to my friendly cell phone store and asked for a new antenna--they don't carry those at this store but for $25.00 I could order one or go to a larger Spr*#t store. Uhh, I don't think so. My contract is up so I am free to shop around. When I told that to the darling little sales girl I could see her squirming to keep me as a customer. To make a long story short, I ended up with 3, yes, 3 new phones-GOOD phones (think $300 each if purchased), not like the oldies we have been carrying around....so for the price of an antenna for my ancient phone I got a new one for me and two for my older boys for Christmas-SCORE! These phones do everything but wipe butts and the monthly fee is only $10.00 too so I am quite proud of myself. After I left there I went to our local office supply store (where my son happens to work after school and on weekends). I won't tell you which one but it isn't Office Max and it isn't Office Depot and it starts with an S. Anyway, when I was checking out, I asked the cute little check out girl if they gave discounts to family members of employees (I figured what the heck, one of my main purposes in life is to embarrass my kids), she kinda laughed and said "sure, why not"....and took off another 15% off my total. SCORE! Then off to Kohls--same thing...same 15% discount...SCORE! Came home and got a phone call about a video arcade game we were trying to sell....got $100.00 for it (we got it for free about 4 years ago, but estimated current value about $150-$175)-the guy was thrilled to get a deal and I got a SCORE! What a day :)
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I wish I had taken a picture of son#2's toe before we left for the doctor today. He has been struggling with the same ingrown toenail for months...3 rounds of antibiotics, yet this morning when I saw his toe by accident I was horrified! Apparently he has been self treating with hydrogen peroxide, antibiotic cream and tweezers--needless to say it was time for another trip to the doctor.He hadn't wanted to show it to me and didn't tell me how bad it was because he didn't want to have anyone touch it, since it was so painful--DUH! I was able to get an appointment with the local podiatrist thinking he would just give more antibiotics-blah, blah-well not so lucky. Son#2 ended up with outpatient surgery on a toe that would not get numb even with 4 injections of lidocaine. I sat there and held his hand, just like I did when he was a little boy, and I swear I could feel everything too. His whole body was shaking and he was covered in sweat. Of course I had to watch the whole damn procedure because nothing grosses me out, but my heart broke for him because it hurt so much....he is a real trooper. He does think that the crutches will be a chick magnet tomorrow in school though :)
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I am too old to adopt or have more kids but I think if I could be guaranteed a little girl, I might go for it. I am living in a house that is full of testosterone. I adore my boys but what I wouldn't give for someone to watch Lifetime movies with that would "get it" when I feel weepy. Last night I was watching a movie quietly when I heard all the testosterone yell, whoop and holler--it was about the kid that got the Heismann award. In our house you have to be an Ohio State fan or you are not allowed to live here. I pretend alot, because I really don't give a shit about football.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Before I start work in the morning I try to catch up on the 17 (yeah, I know, I spend waaaaay too much time online) blogs that I began reading several months ago. I noticed that 9 of them are now expecting, some with twins. Two more are pending with + home tests, one has avoided a scary cancer scare that while it ripped away her chance of pregnancy, may have saved her life. Now I don't want to brag but isn't it a tad suspicious that since I started reading these blogs (some of whom have been on the horrid infertility treadmill for quite some time) that these ladies are now expecting. I would like to think that I am directly responsible somehow...and none of them even had to rub my belly or anything. We were infertile for 8 years. IT WAS FOREVER. Each time I read one of your stories I am transported back to that time in my life where my only thought was becoming a mom...I feel your pain when you experience a miscarriage, having been there 4 times myself. The emotions are raw and nearly impossible to repress.For me, each positive pregnancy test was a baby--no matter how long the pregnancy lasted, it was our baby and I couldn't succeed in giving it life. I felt like a failure--surely I had done something "wrong". This is an open note to all of you still struggling~~there are so many decisions to make~try to step back from the situation and see it with fresh eyes~if you don't have a support system with your family (they rarely really understand the depth of your pain, while they do sympathize-unless they have been through it, they don't really get it), find someone who has been in your shoes and talk,talk, talk. It really does help. I wish blogging had been around when I was struggling. I would be happy to talk/email to any of you that need to vent or have questions about adoptions and scary pregnancies. I am truly excited for the 9 of you that are queasy :)
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
There are so many wonderful blogs that I read daily that I want to have a list linking them (like the rest of you have). For the life of me I cannot figure out how to do that. Anyone have any ideas for me? Or at least where in the blogger I would find a way to do this?
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Go grab a cup of coffee--this is a long one~~~ Last night I had a dream that my step-father was getting married again. For you to realize how bizarre it is for me to even dream about him, I will have to explain a bit about him. When he and my Mom met, they were both in their late 40’s, with bad marriages behind them. He was a very striking, handsome man and my Mom was swept off her feet. He owned his own business, drove a terrific car, and appeared to be the epitome of a financially secure, humorous, attractive man. They had dated for about 2 years (on weekends since he lived the next state over and worked during the week) when he proposed to her giving her a glaring 5 carat diamond engagement ring. When she told me she was marrying this man, I was so happy, mostly because my Mom was happy. My own father had been an abusive alcoholic that I will post about later. Anyway, they married and had a commuter marriage for about a year because my grandma was very ill and my Mom wouldn’t leave her to move to the new husbands state. New husband was very very sweet about this and understood completely so every Friday he would drive 2 hours to our home, spend the weekend and go back to his job on Sunday night. Looking back, I think it would have been better had this arrangement stayed this way. When my grandma passed away Mom sold our house and we moved to new husbands town and begin our life as a "new family". That’s when things started to change. For the sake of keeping this a blog post and not a novel, I will abbreviate some of the things that ensued. Like most second marriages they each came into it with "baggage" which was to be expected. This was all in the days before pre-nups were everywhere but they had one because it was a second marriage for both of them. The house was his, but Mom was allowed to live there till she passed away should he pre-decease her but the furnishings in the house were hers. Also in the prenup was a line that if she passed away first, he got the ring back.Things went along for a couple of years pretty routinely. Slowly he started to withdraw. He would eat in a different room, watch a second television in a separate room, and eventually he quit talking. Mom kept trying to find out what the problem was but he refused to talk. Literally, not even a guttural response. Needless to say things were getting weird. At one point he started giving her invoices for the ½ of the utilities, he would keep a list of the foods he ate and eventually there were separate grocery lists, one for him and one for Mom and I. Yep, we were descending into some kind of weird hell. He then spent a year sitting in the living room. We could pass in the hall like complete strangers. I spent a lot of time hiding in my room because I was so creeped out. He eventually moved out-taking only the living room TV, he just quit coming to the house. Actually Mom and I started laughing a lot more again and enjoyed each others company. By this time I was in high-school and his absence was actually welcome because I didn’t have to explain this weird guy sitting in the living room. After he was gone about a year, Mom got a call from him. He wanted to meet for dinner. As it turns out they met at the restaurant he had been eating at for this entire past year. He said he was ready to tell her what was wrong. It had nothing to do with her or me, it was his own demons creeping up from his impoverished childhood. They ended up really talking like they had never talked before and he eventually moved back in and things improved. Mom was laughing again, though we still had to pay for any extra sandwiches or cookies we ate-yeah, I know still weird but manageable. Apparently when he was a boy, he was the only one in his family that spoke English. They were Polish immigrants and he was the one, as a young boy, that was sent out to beg for credit so the family could eat, which apparently is something they didn’t do on a regular basis. When he left school in the 6th grade (a fact he never shared with my Mom, she found out from his sister many many years later) he was put to work to support the family. He made a vow at that time, that he would never go hungry again which would explain why he would eat leftovers till they were moldy instead of throwing them out. This is another example of how our childhood molds our adult lives. (No pun intended). Fast forward to 1994-my Mom died. I was married by this time and living about 2 hours away. She was in a hospital near my home when she died and step father was staying with us. Mom had wanted to be buried in her home town that was about 4 hours from my home so we made all the arrangements and off we went. Then things started to get weird again. On the way home from the funeral, he asked for "the ring" back. Oooookaaaay-no problem, just buried my best friend and he is worried I might run off with the ring…Well, I got it for him and he then presented me with an invoice totally $13,000 that he said Mom "owed" him for her part of the water, heat, and RENT for the past few years. HUH? Yeah—Mr. Weird was back. By this time I was an adult and had a voice. I subsequently sent HIM an invoice for maid service, (all the years of cooking and cleaning, laundry, furniture rental, sex (insert big gross here) and everything else she provided for him. Quite the coincidence that the invoice for her services were about the same as his for the "rent" et cetera. Now the only contact I have with him is Christmas cards, getting him caught up on my family and just basically being kind to an elderly man with a lot of demons in his past. I think his is probably a sad life (he does have children from his first marriage) spent mostly alone, but that is the way he prefers it. Anyway, last night I had a dream that he was getting married---wonder if the whole cycle would repeat itself~~