Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I need opinions

Wow! was I a Debbie Downer last post. Sorry about that. Sometimes I vent and feel so much better after and that was one of those times. Thanks all of you that expressed concern over my marriage. I am pretty certain that all is well. Next week we will have been married 26 years and honestly for the most part I wouldn’t really change anything,,,not even the bad times. Actually, those times have helped me grow into a much more confident and self sufficient woman. While the "bad" times are happening it is hard to see the bright side but once things have settled and I can think more clearly there is always a positive. Now for the thing I need your opinion about. I have a dilemma and I think I handled it correctly but let me know what you think…. About 2 weeks ago son#3 asked if his friend *Damian (name changed but fits the kid in question) over to play. Sure I said! Damian arrives and seems a little off to me but hell, he is 12 and aren't all 12 year old boys a little off?? Anyway I was upstairs folding clothes quietly (our laundry is on the second floor…best idea I ever had, btw). We have a 2 story family room so looking out of the laundry room I can see the family room/kitchen area. So, I look out of the laundry room in time to see Damian picking up one of the kitties. (insert awww moment thinking he was going to cuddle with our little fuzzball). In a split second I see him taunting the dog with the cat. Shaking the cat at the dog. If that wasn’t bad enough, in another split second Damian throws….yes, I said THROWS the cat across the family room, launching him about 12 feet. I was absolutely horrified. When I let out a very loud "DAMIAN what did you just do"? he looks up at me and says "oh, sorry" with absolutely NO remorse. The only thing he was upset about is that he got caught. The little demon child then shrugs his shoulders and walks out the back door. Needless to say my blood was boiling by that point. I went to tell Big D and he looked at me like surely I was mistaken..sorry, no mistake, saw it with my very own eyes. At that point I called in son#3 and told him to get Damian’s things packed up (yeah, Damian thought he was coming to spend the night even though I have never met his mother nor did she call to confirm this supposed arrangement). I was so incredibly pissed that I was afraid I was going to launch HIM across the room, so I had son#2 drive him home. Again no call from mom about why her son was home again after she thought he was going to be here, even though she never called in the first place about that! I sat son#3 down and for the first time in my momming history, I told one of my kids that they were not to play with a certain individual any more and that Damian was not welcome in our home. I was blunt, and honest with son#3, told him why and why it concerned me, especially the lack of remorse. This kid scares the hell out of me…do we have an upcoming Jeffr*y Dahm*r on our hands?? He started with animal abuse too as do many serial killers and just plain old nut cases. My question is…one of my friends thinks I went too far in banning the little (monster), um child from my home. What do you think?? Be honest, I can take it if you all agree with my friend I just need to hear from people who don’t know the kid and his family as my friend does. (To make matters worse, I saw him this weekend with his family and their PUPPY..I almost went up to his mother to tell her what he did but we were in a gathering for a game (son and Damian play on the same sport team) and I didn’t think it was the right place to tell someone that her kid is frightening. Put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would do.


serenity said...

Ok so my disclaimer - I'm not a mom.

That said... I personally don't think that you're being too harsh after what you witnessed. I'd probably do the same thing, but my animals are a HUGE part of my life. And will be of my child's too, should I be lucky enough to have a family.

At the very least, the kid has some serious anger issues. So I think you did right by banning him from the house. Son #3 is old enough to understand why, and hopefully he does.

About approaching his mother? I'm not sure about that one. I don't think I'd have the balls to tell someone that they raised their son to be abusive to animals. But that's just me, and I'm a wimp when it comes to confrontation like that.

DD said...

If your friend thought you were too harsh, how does she think she would have handled it in your position?

What did son#3 think when you told him?

And in my opinion, you did the right thing. It's your house. I can understand if the child was doing something that maybe he didn't know he wasn't supposed to do (eating chips on the couch), but from what you described? He's got issues.

Beagle said...

I doubt I would have had the nerve to say anything to the mother either but I think you have every right not to have him in your house. Throwing an animal across the room? Not good.

I'm curious too, what did your friend think you should have done?

Kellie said...

You were so NOT overboard - you have every right to be concerned.

True Story - after my divorce 100 years ago, I moved back to Wisconsin to be close to my family. I was thrilled that I moved right next to a girl (woman) that I went to school with - we were really good friends and we both found ourselves divorced and with kids that same age. I will delighted her son would play with mine and they'd go to school together. WRONG - so, so wrong.

The first time the kid was at our house he stole several things. I think the boys were about 7 or 8 so they still played with toys. Anyway, several of Niko's action figures "disappeared". Pretty normal, but it ticked us off and Niko and I agree that this kid would not be left alone in rooms next time.

The second incident happened when we were out for a walk around the neighborhood - the kid rode his bike up behind my husband and had a rock in his hand. Had I not turned when I did and scared the shit out of myself, my husband and the kid - he would have thrown the rock at my husband's head. Nice.

So this time I thought I'd talk to the mother since we had been friends. I didn't attack, I just told her I was concerned and wanted to feel her out about what the kid was like. She reacted poorly and didn't believe me.

A few days later we were at the table eating and we heard loud crash and massive yelling and pounding. I ran to the window and the kid had thrown a metal foldup chair through their plate glass window and ran outside and used the chair to pummel his mothers car. He totally trashed it. I bet he hid it 50 times. Turns out he was pissed because she burnt a pizza and he didn't want to wait for her to cook another one.

The last incident was the clincher in my book. This kid drew about 10 pictures of Niko in various stages of death and then gave him the pictures on the bus one by one telling him this was how he was going to kill him. Remember this kid was like 8 or 9 - all the pictures were of the kid electricuting my son, burning him in a fire, stabbing him with a knife, shooting him with a gun, spearing him with a stick. Sick stuff. And all the images had a weird gord shape around them. So I asked my son when we was showing them to me (and I was freaking out inside) what the gord thing was and Niko said - that's a penis, he always draws penises around everything. So what does that tell you?

Well it told me to call social services and I had a restraining order put on the kid. They moved because the kid was no longer allowed to ride the bus with my son because of the order. The mother has never talked to me again... which is ok.

Now, at 17 - the kid is serving 25 years charged as an adult for beating and raping a 10 year old boy.

You did the right thing. Period.

Shinny said...

I have done that same thing. There are still a couple kids banned from ever coming to our house. They didn't hurt any of my pets or my son but they sure do make my son have a horrid attitude while they are there and after they leave.
You have every right in the world to decide who is or isn't welcome in YOUR house. Plus, that kid could have seriously injured one of your pets and he didn't even care. I would have been hard pressed not to beat the snot out of him right then and there.

I have to hijack your comments here, Kellie! You are back. Come see me! Thanks OHN for letting me use your space.

OHN said...

Thanks girls. My friend thought I should have sat the demon child down and explained in detail what he did wrong and why I was sending him home. I tried to tell her that HE KNEW why he was going home and sitting holding his hand chatting wasn't going to help. I am really concerned about this boy. I have been very careful who I have told about this incident (except the entire universe on the internet:) but the mom's I confided in were not surprised. Apparently he has a history of aggressive behavior (believe it or not one mom told me she LOVES it when he is on her sons team because they always win because he can "knock kids on their butts". It sounds like we live in hicksville, trailor trash USA but we really don't.

Kellie--I am so very glad for you that they moved away. I really believe that women have instincts that we can tap into, you know, those little "gut feelings" we get that we just know. I am seeing a pretty dark future for this kid too. As a side note, I have also heard that his mom is a little "different" that may be why she never even called to see where her son was supposedly spending the night! Geesh!

PCOSMama said...

Okay, I remember from growing up that if my Mom hadn't met the other Mom, I wasn't going to that person's house. Definitely not spending the night! It's just part of being an active and concerned parent. Especially nowadays with all the crazy crap happening in schools and stuff - some kids are just wicked!

That being said, I probably would have said something to the kid, even if it was just,"That is unacceptable behavior in my home. I'm sorry, but you need to leave." Just to kinda drive the point home.

Either way, the kid would be out of my house! He's old enough to know better and you are right to not want your son around him. Hopefully it was just a random act, but you never know. When it comes to your family, it's always better to be safe than sorry.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I definitely think you did the right thing. That kid definitely has some issues, and you don't need to have him in your home. Hopefully your son understands.

Sitting in Silence said...

You did the right thing.
What a right royal little bratt.
How dare he !. I would have marched his backside inside to his mother as well and explained to her just why he was home so early.

Thing is..U really do have to question why you never heard from her in the first place,that alone set's off warning bells.

You did the right thing by telling your 12 year old he is not welcome.

You need that like a hole in the head.

Demeter said...

It is very disconcerting what you have experienced with this child in your house. I come from a family of psychologists, and psychoanalists. What they say is that violence towards animals is the first manifestation of a sociopathic personality which is someone who has absolutely no remorse when they harm someone.

Patience said...

Definitely the right thing.... I can not tolerate cruelty to animals in any shape or form, and think you did the right thing by stopping your son having exposure to that little shit!

steph said...

I would invite the mother over, or find some way to talk with her about it. She may not take it well, but she might. Nothing can be expected of her if she's not aware.
And maybe if you say something, then the next person will and so on and so forth until she gets it.

But I would stick to your guns about his not coming over, and furthermore, that your son is not to associate with him.

And your other entry with the letter from the girl is priceless!!!

steph said...

So what DID you end up doing with/about this??