Friday, May 18, 2007
I have avoided blogging for the past week because I was afraid I would blurt out something that I would regret later. I have learned over time that it is generally best I keep my mouth shut when I am distracted, confused or emotionally wrought. For starters Mother’s day sucked. I have only had one Mother’s day in my adult life that was great. For years I struggled to become a mother so those days were obviously joyous only in a fake smile for my MIL and a tearful hug for my mom while my heart was breaking. I loved being with my Mom on that day but since she wanted me to have children almost as much as I did, we usually ended up talking about that and we would end up with tears in our eyes. The first Mother’s day I was actually a mom was brilliant, wonderful, glorious and nothing could have brought me off my cloud. The following year my mom died. For me a large part of my life ended. She was my hero and my angel. She was an amazing woman. She never conquered any mountains or won any awards but she deserved a gold medal for her strength and courage and never ending love for me. (Yes, even when I was an obnoxious teen). This year Mother’s day sucked because Big D decided to have a meltdown with son#2. To be truthful, they are so much alike and it amazes me that #2's traits that bother Big D the most, are actually traits I see in him. Son #2 did something quite benign (IMO) and it sent Big D over the edge. There was yelling, crying, more yelling and it ended with Big D talking about moving out. I know that he wanted me to cry and beg him not to but I have reached the point in my life where I have decided that I cannot be his keeper and told him that while none of us wanted him to leave, I would not want him here if this isn't where he wanted to be. I think it is far more unhealthy for someone to stay out of guilt or obligation than it is for them to leave. He and I don’t agree on parenting styles. I am sure that most of it is because we were raised on opposite ends of the spectrum. He was raised with a firm father and a mouse of a mom (lovely lady but never ever uttered a feeling of her own…she always deferred to Big D’s dad for anything that required a decision). I on the other hand was raised alone with just my mom and we actually got along extremely well. Sure there were times between the ages of 13-17 that I wished she would disappear but the only time I ever remember being disciplined was at age 15 when I snuck to the mall with a friend and had my ears pierced(after being told that it was not allowed). That one got me grounded for 2 weeks because in moms generation the only girls that had pierced ears were sluts~a few years later I stood with her while she had hers done~then I grounded her. When our boys do something stupid I always hope that I am the one that sees because I can intervene and give a sensible punishment…you know, the kind that fits the crime. Big D on the other hand usually lowers the boom fast and furious. Groundings for a tool left out or clothes on a bedroom floor. I am sorry…I just really don’t agree. These boys are courteous, helpful, kind, generous, non-law breaking, non smokers, non drinkers, no drugs, and I think they deserve credit for the above..Big D thinks that is all stuff that should not need to be rewarded with any pats on the back. I don’t know if there is a right or wrong answer here. Not having had a dad I have nothing to compare D’s fathering skills to. Him having a meek mom that never stood up for him gives him nothing to compare me to. I think we are at a stalemate. He ended up not moving out and telling me that he loves all of us so very much but this isn't the first rocky road we have traveled in the past 25 years and it probably won't be the last. The first time we had a major marital problem was the summer of my 40th birthday and since that time I have grown into myself in so many ways and have discovered that I don’t NEED him here but I do WANT him here. There is a big difference. If the day comes where one of these events turns ugly and can't be worked out, I know I could survive and that is a great feeling. It is a self confidence that was severely lacking for most of my life. Sorry for the ramble..sometimes it helps when I write, then read, my feelings. It kinda clears out the cobwebs.