Friday, April 06, 2007

THE MALE SPECIES

If you are a lover of all things male then you should skip this post as I am about to launch into a tirade about how unbelievably ignorant that particular species can be. A few weeks ago I had an abnormal pap, then another a couple weeks after that. My family physician referred me to a GYN specializing in abnormal testing. I went for what I thought would be a routine get-to-know-you kind of visit yesterday when Dr. Uterus saw the glint in my eye that he correctly interpreted as a patient that would likely cancel 4-10 visits before I actually came back to have any further testing done. Before I knew it, I was letting him see parts that even Big D has never seen. Dr. Uterus is well known for being a rather serious young man and in my opinion seemed very intelligent but not real comfortable with the face to face (he obviously prefers talking to nether regions). Anyway, to lighten things up (and to keep myself from screaming while the inside of one of my organs had chunks removed by some gawd awful equipment) I told him that at least he could have bought me dinner first. I thought the poor boy was going to hyperventilate. He was stunned then laughed very loud. His sidekick nurse looked at me like I had performed a miracle. The ice was broken, along with my cervix and uterus. We had a few more chuckles while he yanked out several chunks of my innards to be sent to Dr. Pathologist to see if we could possibly get the insurance company (because you know they DO rule the world) to allow me to have all these worthless parts removed and free me of all the crap said parts cause. Anyway, on to the tirade. I came home and while not going into specifics of what I had done, I let it be known that I was pretty uncomfortable and was going to take some pain medication (nice to take even without the pain;) and rest. Okay, I did tell them enough that they shouted EWWW and while running out of the room all thanked God that they weren't girls. As I walked in son #2 was staring out the window (insert my thought of him contemplating life and how to stop global warming) and I asked him what he was thinking about. In all seriousness he said that if the wind kept blowing like it is, and it continued to come from just the right direction, like it is, the garbage cans would blow close enough to the house that they might make it to the garage and he wouldn’t have to put them away. HUH? This one, he has a great future somewhere. Son 3# announced that he was going to friend J’s house and asked if I could take care of the neighbors dog (we are dog/house sitting for the hot little poodle next door-the one that prances around her yard in front of our poor ball-less Harley). Um, yeah son #3, I would love to put on boots, a coat, gloves, a hat (did I mention that it is snowing on April 5th?) and trudge next door to DO YOUR JOB THAT YOU AGREED TO DO—the answer is no..do it before you go to J’s house. Son #1 walked in about then to ask me what was for dinner. When I answered "what ever you find to shove in your mouth" he said we didn’t have any good food in the house (ie: cookies, pre-cooked lobster or filet, twice baked potatoes with bacon....this is the kid that will have a very very rude awakening when he arrives at college this fall and has to live on ramen noodles like everyone else :). I then offered to spring for Chinese food. He looked at me and as he turned to walk up the steps to his room he said "let me know when you get home with it". W.H.A.T.? Since we don’t have any places that deliver in our area we need to pick up. Without going into the fact that I called all of them spoiled rotten little snots, son #3 DID go do the pickup. Later in the evening I gathered them all around and asked what they thought they would have to do if I was no longer here…not in a morbid way, I may have said something to the effect of "you know some moms run away from their families and live idyllic lives on warm beaches". I am certain that the two cats and the dog would definitely starve to death, clothes would be worn till they smelled so bad that none of the sons would have any friends left, hairballs and slime would fill the house and all of the family would be sustained on Pepsi and Oreo’s since I wouldn’t be doing the shopping. In case you noticed that I didn’t mention Big D in this equation, he is a post all by himself. Lets just say, he never had any sisters and his mom was the epitome of a June Cleaver clone. He has never had a clue about anything female and probably never will.

12 comments:

DD said...

I may only be outnumbered 2:1 currently, but there are days that it's enough for me to take to my bed with my lavender scented hankie and hot water bottle.

Yikes on the biopsy business. I hope everything turns out, no matter what that is.

Colette said...

You crack me up! I love what you said to the Dr. Sometimes we need to bring them down a bit! I pray all goes well with you biopsy! Hugs and blessings

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

i once had a gyn with jokes on the ceiling. i was never amused.

very true post, well written too!

smiles, bee

Chris said...

I hope this biopsy business ends with good results.

Your family is hilarious (from an outsiders perspective :-)

Stephanie said...

OMG, that was a funny post! How do you deal with it all. I wouldn't blame you if you ran away to the beach! :)

Nicole said...

Thoroughly enjoyed the giggle I got from this post. I am from a family of all women, so I enjoy the peak into the other world.

Nickie said...

Oh girlfriend! Can I please come over and knock some sense into those boys? All 4 of them?? I'm feeling fiesty today. (Go see Heather's blog and my rant on the troll).

Too funny about your comment to the dr too. I have to make jokes in those kind of moments too. Just has to be done. Can't wait to hear that the test results come back normal and that insurance says you can get girlie bits yanked out just in case so you don't have to worry about it later.

Gotta make a point of teaching my boys to appreciate their momma. Like the old saying goes, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it!"

Cibele said...

I can relate so well to this post. My husband and I are from Brazil but we have been living here for 6 years. Nonetheless, he still thinks he is in Brazil, where he was raised with 3 servants and a "super mom" that brought him breakfast in bad. I keep asking him what He was going to do if I am not here to keep his life in order. I am sick of it1 Aside from this, he is a wonderful husband!
PS: Just want to wish you the best of luck with the biopsy results

steph said...

Ahhh. The lesser species. What can you do? You try to train them. Maybe a page out of dog training and get yourself a spray bottle and fill it with a little apple cider vinegar and water so that when they say or do anything they're not supposed to or shouldn't, you give them a little squirt in the eye. Worked with my dog.
Did I just compare males to dogs?
Yes I did (0:

Dr. Deb said...

I enjoyed your tirade of a post.

PCOSMama said...

Boys! Too bad they don't learn to be any less clueless when they turn into men... and husbands! They truly are from a different planet!

Good luck with the biopsy results. I hope everything turns out well and the insurance cooperates either way!

Anonymous said...

Oh, ha ha ha... men can be so odd. If only someone would raise them properly.