Thursday, January 25, 2007

Google rocked my world.

Google rocked my world two days ago. I was helping a blogger friend with some adoption information and accidentally and shockingly found our sons birthmother. She had posted contact information on an adoption site so that if son#1 ever wanted to find her, he would be able to without much problem. After I picked myself up from my boneless heap on the floor and took a Xanax, I decided to e-mail her. I got a new screen name, since AOL is kind enough to allow each account several names it was easy to create a new persona. I wanted something that wouldn’t be at all familiar to anyone. Anyhow, I wrote. Not a lot at first because I was stunned and really didn’t know what to say. My main reason for contacting her is that by my calculations she was probably married by now and possibly had children. Our son has some medical issues that can be genetic and if for no other reason, I wanted her to know that her other kids may develop the same condition. I did tell her a few things about him but not too much in case it was not really her…well, it was. She e-mailed back and told me things that only she would know and we have been sharing e-mails the past few days. I wasn’t sure when I was going to tell my son, or how he would react. He is a very sensitive kid and went through a tough period a couple years ago. Things have completely turned around for him and he is a very happy well adjusted young man now and I really didn’t want to churn up his heart and I wasn’t sure if this would or not. On the other hand, he turned 18 recently and has every right to be aware of his biological history. On the positive side, she sounds wonderful. I have always been very open and honest with my boys, sometimes probably too open but that’s just me and since they all feel close to me and are willing to talk, I guess they are okay. I decided to tell my son today about the contact. I practiced in my mind all day how and what I would tell him. Obviously it would be the truth but I wanted to make it as palatable as possible. I printed out our communication for him to read if he chose to then told him I wanted to have a chat. He is a very no-nonsense kid with a wonderful dry witty sense of humor and the whole time I was giving him the prelude he wanted the meat of the story…to quote him "cut to the chase Mom". I started to tell him the background of how I stumbled upon some information, yada, yada, yada and finally got to the part about corresponding with his birthmother. His reaction was a little less interested than I thought it would be. In fact he really didn’t care much at all. I gave him the highlights of her current life, married, children, job et cetera and that was enough and he went to the fridge for a drink of OJ before taking a quick nap and heading off to Starbuck’s with his girlfriend. Here I am, my head reeling like Linda Blair minus the pea soup (though I was close to puking several times the last couple days) and he says as much as –yeah, who cares? I suppose that is a good thing…maybe he doesn’t care because we have filled every one of his parenting needs and he is happy with the status quo. Actually there is a part of me that is ready to jump to the moon with happiness that he didn’t dissolve into tears telling me he had always had a longing to meet her. The other part of me is a bit confused. If I were him, I would be so curious about so many things. He really doesn’t care. When I asked him if he minded if I e-mailed her a photo, he didn’t care. When I asked if he minded if I asked her a few more questions, he didn’t care. I kept looking into his eyes to see if it was a denial thing or maybe shock or fear and all I saw was the same look I get when I ask what he would like for dinner…he didn’t care. I think I have aged 10 years in the past 48 hours.


DD said...

That's...well...WOW! I'm sure once things sink in, it may be next week, or next year, he may have some more interest. Sometimes for kids his age, just knowing it's there if he wants it is enough.

One Mother's Journey said...

WOW. You are SO much braver than I would be. I'm not sure I could handle that, geez, even the thought turns my stomach. I don't share well... I'm sure you've had every emotion known to man over this. It will be interesting to see how your son processes the information and if maybe in a few days or months decides to contact her. I'm sure it must be very conflicting. Wow, just wow.

Nickie said...

Wow! That's the kind of thing you need time to prepare for and it just plopped itself into your lap. You handled it very well.

I gotta think he'll have more interest in the future and it's so great that you brought it to his attention. Now he won't be as scared to bring it up if/when he wants to find out more.

You rock, you know that right?

UtRus said...

wow. you really did the right thing in my opinion. if you had made this a "secret" that would possibly have backfired later. good work. i don't have an 18-year-old but i kinda remember what it was like being 18. maybe it'll just take a while for it all to sink in with him and he'll go at his own pace when the time is right.

congratulations to you for being a good mother and more importantly an honest, brave person!!!

Beagle said...

You handled that with such grace!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Really wow. As an adopted child, this really hits home. I really don't think my mom would be strong enough to do the same thing.

At 18, I don't know that I was ready to meet my birth parents. I met my birth father at 26, I was already married and it was a good time in my life for the turmoil it caused. My 2 brothers aren't really interested in meeting their birth families, so I guess it is different with every child.

I would take his lack of interest as a positive thing - you have loved him unconditionally, answered his questions and he feels safe and secure. Maybe once he lets the information sink in, he will change his mind.

I am really amazed that you found her. If you ever have any questions for me about reunions and stuff like that, you can email me at any time. For that matter, your son could as well. I know your family doesn't know about your blog, so I don't know how you would explain it! My email is
disenchantedreality at hotmail dot com.