Thursday, January 25, 2007
Google rocked my world.
Google rocked my world two days ago. I was helping a blogger friend with some adoption information and accidentally and shockingly found our sons birthmother. She had posted contact information on an adoption site so that if son#1 ever wanted to find her, he would be able to without much problem. After I picked myself up from my boneless heap on the floor and took a Xanax, I decided to e-mail her. I got a new screen name, since AOL is kind enough to allow each account several names it was easy to create a new persona. I wanted something that wouldn’t be at all familiar to anyone. Anyhow, I wrote. Not a lot at first because I was stunned and really didn’t know what to say. My main reason for contacting her is that by my calculations she was probably married by now and possibly had children. Our son has some medical issues that can be genetic and if for no other reason, I wanted her to know that her other kids may develop the same condition. I did tell her a few things about him but not too much in case it was not really her…well, it was. She e-mailed back and told me things that only she would know and we have been sharing e-mails the past few days. I wasn’t sure when I was going to tell my son, or how he would react. He is a very sensitive kid and went through a tough period a couple years ago. Things have completely turned around for him and he is a very happy well adjusted young man now and I really didn’t want to churn up his heart and I wasn’t sure if this would or not. On the other hand, he turned 18 recently and has every right to be aware of his biological history. On the positive side, she sounds wonderful. I have always been very open and honest with my boys, sometimes probably too open but that’s just me and since they all feel close to me and are willing to talk, I guess they are okay. I decided to tell my son today about the contact. I practiced in my mind all day how and what I would tell him. Obviously it would be the truth but I wanted to make it as palatable as possible. I printed out our communication for him to read if he chose to then told him I wanted to have a chat. He is a very no-nonsense kid with a wonderful dry witty sense of humor and the whole time I was giving him the prelude he wanted the meat of the story…to quote him "cut to the chase Mom". I started to tell him the background of how I stumbled upon some information, yada, yada, yada and finally got to the part about corresponding with his birthmother. His reaction was a little less interested than I thought it would be. In fact he really didn’t care much at all. I gave him the highlights of her current life, married, children, job et cetera and that was enough and he went to the fridge for a drink of OJ before taking a quick nap and heading off to Starbuck’s with his girlfriend. Here I am, my head reeling like Linda Blair minus the pea soup (though I was close to puking several times the last couple days) and he says as much as –yeah, who cares? I suppose that is a good thing…maybe he doesn’t care because we have filled every one of his parenting needs and he is happy with the status quo. Actually there is a part of me that is ready to jump to the moon with happiness that he didn’t dissolve into tears telling me he had always had a longing to meet her. The other part of me is a bit confused. If I were him, I would be so curious about so many things. He really doesn’t care. When I asked him if he minded if I e-mailed her a photo, he didn’t care. When I asked if he minded if I asked her a few more questions, he didn’t care. I kept looking into his eyes to see if it was a denial thing or maybe shock or fear and all I saw was the same look I get when I ask what he would like for dinner…he didn’t care. I think I have aged 10 years in the past 48 hours.