parenting is forever

This may be a long post, and it may ramble a bit, but I have to say what is going on in my heart and head this morning. It is one of those feelings where you feel if you don't get it out, you just might explode. Early this morning, around 1:40 am, our phone rang. That by itself is heart stopping when all of your children are not at home tucked safely into bed. BigD answered and quickly sat up and started talking in his "professional" voice. There is nothing worse than only being able to hear one side of a phone conversation and hearing the words, "unconscious", "ambulance", "hospital" coming out of your husband. His voice that is usually incredibly strong, became a higher pitch, and took on a very worried tone. After a series of questions BigD was asking the person on the other side of the line, I was able to piece together that Son #1 was taken from his dorm where he was found lying in the hall, in his pajamas, confused, disoriented, unaware of who he was or what was wrong. One of his floor mates called for help and the campus police and ambulance were dispatched. The caller was the campus police officer and he told BigD that he didn't think son was drinking that it seemed more like a medical problem-hence the transport to the ER. Husband and son #2 (who woke up when he heard me scrambling for an insurance card and SSN for the ER) took off for the hospital near the college which is about 45 minutes from here. (the only reason I didn't go was that BigD knows his way around all things police and ER related so I knew he could get all the important info and the fact that son#3 was blissfully sleeping and waking him would serve no purpose so I stayed home). Let me tell you, until BigD called about an hour later, I was a series of emotions from terrified, to nauseated from the adrenaline. When BigD called he said son 1 was talking and seemed to be somewhat oriented. On the medical end his blood sugar was very low and they were concerned about that. I had spoken with son1 around 9 pm when he was eating a steak sandwich with double meat (ahhh-campus restaurant food) and seemed fine. There is something about S1 that I have never really posted about because so many of my blog buddies are adopting and I didn't want our story to frighten them away from the most wonderful time in their lives. S1 has a medical condition that ironically didn't show up till he was older and I am so glad that it didn't. Honestly as a potential adoptive mom, had they told me my child would have this disorder, I would have been terrified and I am sure it would have changed the way that I parented him...but as they say, ignorance is bliss so we knew nothing until later..the same as MANY birth parents so I am not "blaming" anything on the fact that S1 is adopted..he is our son, just like the other two..no difference. Anyway--S1 takes a couple of medications to keep him on a constant level so to speak and my guess was that he probably wasn't taking the medication. Then the bombshell. BigD called about 3 am to inform me that son was shit faced drunk. He was able to SOMEHOW not give any indication of intoxication. Even the seasoned police officer was clueless. S1 had a blood alcohol level of .231 (HUGE). He is a scrawny 140 pound kid and it is amazing that he wasn't in serious condition. He confessed to BigD that after he talked to me he went with a group from his evening class and they all celebrated their good grades with a fruity punch that 'someone' made. No idea who made it or what was in it. I have a friend that has talked to her daughter about roofies etc being placed in drinks...I never gave a thought to tell son not to drink anything that wasn't his. (Before you yell at me, I HAVE told him not to drink at all but I am not stupid and I was no angel in college...though he doesn't know that). I am so torn this morning. I am angry, sad, confused, disappointed, worried and the worst feeling of all is that somehow I feel like I let my son down. In my next post, I am going to post a journal entry that a classmate wrote about son1. It was an assignment that had them interviewing each other about something that changed their lives....son1 doesn't know that I read these entries but since they are to publish it in a blog type format, I have access and have been blown away by some of his entries. This particular entry will explain to you why I feel like I have let him down. I just hope he knows how much of my world revolves around my love for him. Nobody ever said parenting was so damn hard...or if they did, I didn't listen.