Monday, November 05, 2012

over 365 days now

A kind blogger friend sent me an email to check to see if I was still kicking. I was answering her email when the vomit below came pouring off the ends of my fingertips and it became way more than just a quick email response so I thought I would share with all of you. Lucky, huh?

I have fallen off the face of the earth. Somehow yesterday was July and now Thanksgiving is almost here. Things have been great and awful at the same time. Our oldest was married on the beach in North Carolina three weeks ago and because the bride’s parents are completely narcissistic they were no help in planning the wedding so she asked me to help. It was so much fun but so completely stressful.....because along with them not helping her with plans, there was no money flowing either. (They are fine...both just bought new cars, remodeled a basement, vacationed in the Caribbean....etc) They are really good at talking about how much they adore her but her needs are not important. (To son and his new bride wanted just an intimate 20 people---family only---ceremony on the sand with some picnic food after so it wasn't like she was asking for a princess wedding). So because of their "ways" the parents ended up adding to the guest list till it was doubled and still only coughed up the bucks for cupcakes and 1/2 of her dress alteration fee. The kids paid as much as they could, but by the time all was arranged it cost us an assload of money.  
The reason I even mention all this is because of the "awful" part in third sentence hubby has now been without work for one year. His last day of work was one year ago last Thursday. To say this has put a strain on the marriage is like saying dogs smell when they are wet. Our income is literally cut in half, our bills have gone up and my husband is home, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. More than the money situation sucking, having him here all the fucking time is driving me batshit crazy.
You know how prisoners are put on suicide watch and checked every 15 minutes, well that's my life right now. I'm not suicidal though....homicidal maybe. I literally can't even go into the bathroom without him asking me something through the door (kinda like a 2-year-old who needs you RIGHT NOW to ask where the remote for the tv is). He has applied for jobs, been interviewed then shocked when they passed him over. HELLO????? he's 58. Too young to retire forever but too old for most employers to even take a look at him or his credentials. There is a job possibility right now that if it doesn't happen I seriously don't know how I will handle it. We are fighting like we never have before. During our last one he said something really nasty (that's his way of fighting) and I started to laugh like a lunatic (short line between sanity and crazy) and when he said "what do you want, do you want me to leave?" I told him that was hysterical because we can't even afford to get divorced. Seriously. I have become a master at shutting down any feelings and am existing on remote control. (learned long ago as a child and has come in handy this year). When I ask him to please quit using the credit card for things (he's bored so he heads to the big home repair store) that we don't have to have right now, he gets irritated and says he is just fixing things up now that he "has time". The little things that needed fixing would take a weekend....not a year....and the real things that need fixing need an actual trained contractor person which is expensive.

I am hoping that things change soon or I will get to the point emotionally where there won't be any bouncing back and that my heart will be so stuck in irritation and annoyance that the love will have been smothered completely. Honestly, I just need some privacy in my own home. I can't go to the bathroom, can't head up to bed 30 minutes early to read, etc etc....I have a 6 foot tall puppy on my heel all the time. It's sad when going to work becomes my escape instead of the other way around. (as a side blood pressures are great at work, when I check them here at the house they are always crazy high....wonder if there's a connection.)


Gil said...

I'm not sure what to say, other than *hugs*. Stressful doesn't even begin to cover it, does it? I'm sorry your son's inlaws didn't assist with the wedding, throwing it back at you. I'm sorry your DH is on your heels all the time. I'm sorry that work has become your place to de-stress. And I'm sorry we haven't heard much from you lately, though I can understand why. So I'll just send hugs and hope that the stars turn around for you guys sometime soon. There must be someone who would hire him at 58...

Deathstar said...

I would honestly fly you over here for a vacation if I could. It kind of feels like you're trapped, doesn't it? Does your husband have any friends? Or are they also working during the day? I don't suppose he wants to be a Walmart greeter does he?

Yo-yo Mama said...

Is it possible you can "volunteer" him for community services and events?

Your in-laws are off to a wonderful start I see. I guess it would be best for your own peace of mind to just put it behind you, even as the bills continue to come in. The children will know what's important, especially if they decide to have children. Remember, you are providing emotional (if not just a bit of financial) support for you son and his wife; not for the free-loading parents.

Jade said...

Wow.. you have had quite a bit going on lately! I can't imagine what it would be like to be with my sig other all the time. Breaks a re definitely needed. I'm so sorry you're noot getting that right now.
On a poositive note, congrats on your kiddo getting married! What a wonderful experience to have as a mom.
I know liife feels tense lately for you, maybe blogging more will help you process all that tension? Please know that you're being thought about.

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Deborah said...

Can I buy you a starbucks or an iced tea in the midwest someplace? lol Not sure how I stumbled upon this blog but two minutes into it I thought perhaps I was reading my own blog and realized I think we are supposed to be friends lol So sad you stopped to hear an update. Your honesty is quite frankly a breath of fresh air compared to most of the people who cross my path. P.S Im not trying to sell anything...promise :) Just wanted to give you a virtual high five/pat on the back for your ability to find the humor amid the chaos!!!

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