Sunday, January 01, 2012

I don't know where to begin

2011 was an interesting year. A full year of job fluctuation stress that I really don't have the strength to go into here but it's safe to say I aged twelve years in the past one. BigD had triple bypass surgery that really was completely unexpected (he isn't old, doesn't drink or smoke, isn't overweight (well not really), blood pressures have always been normal to low normal, etc etc. Then bam. One small thing led to a Thanksgiving week bypass and many weeks of him being home and wanting to be at my side when I am not at work. Of course that means he is camped out in my home office when I am here and if any of you want to know anything about Stora.ge Wars, Am.erican Chopper, or The Turt.le Man just ask. I bought myself a nice TV a year ago for my office to watch "my" shows now my remote is programed for the above.

2012 isn't starting out much better. I have an appointment Tues morning with a specialist in head and neck cancer. Long story short, for 6-8 months I have had a constant subtle smell that smells like a dirty ashtray or the smell you get when you first turn on your furnace in the fall. A little stale, metallic etc. Anyhooo, my doctor was on a sabbatical (ie: state mandated 90 day probation.....-she got turned into the state medical board by a pissed off wife because the doc had a fling with the pissed off wife's husband) Hey, I don't care who she bonks as long as I am not in the exam room when it happens....she is a good doc and knows her shit. Anyway, in researching this "smell" issue I have discovered that it typically happens in people that have cancer in the head and neck.

Anyway, I just tried to ignore what I thought was a sinus infection and waited till she got back. I went in got a script for an anti-biotic, which subsequently caused th.rush in my mouth. (for those of you that have little ones that get it from nursing, get it treated because it hurts. I feel terrible I never took it seriously when my guys got it--I didn't know that it made them uncomfortable). ANYWAY...she then gave me two back to back scripts for an oral medication to swish around to take it away. When it didn't really help I started looking things up. Dr. G.oogle is my friend and worst enemy.

All the while, and for up to a year I have had a little reddish/pinkish raised soft spot on my tongue that I figured was from using my tongue as a stress meter all year and smashing it against my teeth. I think I may take up nail biting instead.

After doing some research I am seriously, very seriously, concerned I have oral c.ancer. Of the dozen symptoms I have too many. I googled a photo of a tongue cancer and up popped a photo of a tongue with the same pinkish/reddish raised soft spot, in the exact area where it is prevalent, (side of the tongue in case you want to run to the bathroom and check your tongue). The photo could have been a photo of my tongue. No shit.

My tongue hurts around the entire edge, back to front to back, it has started to burn off and on, and the real kicker is that tongue cancers are squ.amous cell. If you look back to a new years post a couple years back, remember I got the call on new years eve that my "it doesn't look like anything" (according to the dermatologist) lesion came back as sq.uamous cell. If you remember it was also in an area that NEVER EVER has seen sunshine.

So, on Tuesday which is supposed to be my first day at my new job in a very face paced, high stress office, I had to tell the boss that I wouldn't be there, as I am going for a biopsy. Fuck. I am going to be tagged the problem child from day one.

So for the past week I have been crying in the shower, zoning out when I have many things to do, and thinking about the fact that if it is oral CA, according to my research it is the 6th deadliest cancer killing one person every hour and only 50% of people survive five years. Who knew?? I have a son getting married this year, I want to retire someday and take real vacations, I want to babysit for grand-kids, well---the list is longer than you can imagine. Until now the thought of looking at my tongue for anything abnormal (and who the hell knows what that means) never even crossed my mind.

BigD isn't even allowed to drive yet, in fact he isn't allowed in the front seat because of the airbag and the fact that it would rebreak his ster.num, so I will make the 45 minute drive to the doctor with BigD in the back seat and most likely we will both be a wreck. He has been crying off and on all weekend because he knows I am scared and he can't do a damn thing about it. The boys and their ladies are here and it is helping distract me, but then I look at them and feel my eyes welling up and have to head to the bathroom until the wave of fear and anxiety passes.

So, how 2012 shapes up is yet to be determined.

9 comments:

Pale said...

OMG, OHN. I am so sorry that you have all this stress and nastiness. PT that you end up back here very soon ranting about how Dr. Google scared the **** out of you for nothing.

Tina said...

I love you. Now i am crying. I hope you are wrong.

Brandy said...

How is it that we're facebook friends and I had no idea this was going on?? I can't imagine how much I would be freaking out. I look at Dr. Google too often and flip myself out. I will most definitely be praying for and sending you my very best thoughts.

OHN said...

I haven't said anything to anyone yet Brandy. No friends and not even family. BigD is the only one who knows. I didn't want to wreck everyone's holidays until I had a definitive diagnosis.

Yo-yo Mama said...

Woman. I could so pinch your right now for carrying around all that weight and not letting off some steam before now. You don't have to. We are here to listen when you can't tell anyone else, OK?

I hope BigD heals quickly.

Has your dentist not mentioned anything about the sore in your dental checkups?? You let us know what gets said at the biopsy, OK? No waiting six months.

And anyone who ever would think loaning their shoulder to you is a burden, even during the holidays, when you need them needs a judo chop to the neck.

Jade said...

Goodness girly! Wish I could give you a hug! You have endured quite a bit this past year and possibly he start of this year. My thouughts and prayers are with you and your family during this stressful time.
On a side note, looks like you and I will both start new high stress jobs this week.
Please let your blog readers know how you're doing as you get updates. You are cared about by manyy out there

Jade said...

Goodness girly! Wish I could give you a hug! You have endured quite a bit this past year and possibly he start of this year. My thouughts and prayers are with you and your family during this stressful time.
On a side note, looks like you and I will both start new high stress jobs this week.
Please let your blog readers know how you're doing as you get updates. You are cared about by manyy out there

preppyplayer said...

YIKES!
Trust your intuition AND at the same time?
Stay away from WebMD as that site will really make you crazy. I hope your diagnosis isnt serious, but obviously- something is wrong.
Good for you that you are getting to the bottom of it.
You shall overcome and prevail.

Gil said...

Praying all goes well. I will keep my fingers crossed. Please let us know how things go. May 2012 only go up from here... please God.