Tuesday, January 03, 2012

doctor visit

Needless to say this entire weekend sucked for me. Unfortunately since BigD caught me crying he turned into a ridiculous annoying mess himself. I know so many women that would kill for a man fawning over you, staring at you, talking to you while you sleep, grab you and pull you in for a hug because you simply manage to walk out of the bathroom, tell you he loves you 80 fucking gazillion times in three days, but....for ME, while it is all very sweet, it is also terribly irritating.

The moment I would finally be focused on something other than my potential cancer diagnosis, he would be looking at me with his moist eyes and it would throw me right back into my own terror mode. I had to ask him over and over to PLEASE quit asking me "how are you". The odd part is that for the first half of our marriage he was very non-demonstrative and actually rather unsupportive of me. My job was never as important as his, the house was never quite clean enough, the infertility was 'my' problem and I needed to 'get over it' etc. You get the point. But, in the past few years he has found his feminine side and has been discussing feelings and has told me that he really realizes that I did an amazing job raising our children...etc. Yep, real honest to god feelings.

Part of me really likes the change. The other part....the part that is worried...wants him to shut the fuck up and go to another room. I walked into our bedroom last night and he was sitting on the bed staring at a photo of the boys and he was crying. Sweet jeebus he is lucky I didn't chuck the loaded laundry basket I was carrying right at his head.

When I am worried is doesn't help to see terror on someone elses face. I was worried all weekend that the boys would see or hear him and then they would know there was a problem and I had an issue I was checking into. I asked BigD to please not tell them. I truly think that was tough for him because he wants to 'share' his concern.

Now, keep in mind that he had surgery six weeks ago yesterday, and was home for two weeks prior to that so he has been here eight weeks and I am really ready for him to go back to work. God help me when he retires someday.

So, this morning I drove 45 miles to the big city hospital and met with the Maxillofacial Surgeon. He shot numbing spray up my nose but didn't bother to wait until it numbed before shoving a long lighted scope up into my brain (well, he stopped short of the brain, but just barely and yes it felt exactly like you think it would) He then did these amazing moves with two tongue depressors...kinda ninja like moves...holding, twisting, lifting, pushing and told me that the things I am concerned about he doesn't feel are cancer. He has no explanation for the intermittent funky smell as my max.illary sinuses look okay, the lesion on my tongue he feels is an area that healed oddly after having been lacerated (ie: bitten when I was shoveling in food at some point), and the pain along the entire rim of my tongue and the sunburn feeling on the top surface of my tongue are all non-issues. If you have any clues as to what I can do to alleviate the edge pain and/or burning feeling, feel free to share.

So, there you have it. My entire 4 day weekend sucked, I aged 50 years, had to deal with a husband that was moved to tears a.l.l.w.e.e.k.e.n.d and had to take my first day of work at a new job off because they don't call in people from their other locations for just 1/2 day so I had to take the entire day off.

This was so bad this weekend that in my imagination I was going to be the female version of R.oger E.bert (if you don't know who he is, goog his image post surgery) and had decided to make a personal video for each of the boys so they could remember not only what I looked like *before* but also hear my voice because I was certain I would lose that too.

If nothing, I have learned to stay the hell away from the computer and let someone who actually graduated with a medical degree decide my health course. But, you can bet your butt that I am going to keep an eye on my oral situation because I also know that not every doctor graduates at the top if his class. Think about it. Every graduating class has the one (or ten) that the other grads are shaking their heads about, thinking "how in the hell did he/she graduate"? I also have another appointment for a second opinion scheduled for tomorrow (made the same time I made todays appt) that I will probably keep. Crazy? Maybe, but read the second sentence of this paragraph again.

Thank you for your well wishes and kind comments. It sounds stupid because we haven't met, but it really did boost my sagging mood to read that you care.


Tina said...

I love it when you are wrong, and since you made videos for your kids you can email me mine. ;)

Gil said...

I'm glad that one doc said all is well. Now to have that corroborated with a second opinion. So I remain very hopeful. Continue to keep us posted. And yes, WE CARE! *hugs*

Pale said...

Damn, Woman. Major exhale there. !! WOOHOOO!! VICTORY. For once, that went exactly the way you'd want it to. I'm ~so~ sorry you had to go through that. (I just snapped at my kids because they interrupted me before I got to the part where you are okay). GAAAWWWD. Truly AWFUL way to ring in the new year, but I bet you have a nice new lease on it now. !! (Not saying it was worth going through that to get there :) ...)

Great reminder (as if it's not, like, the 200th one for all of us) about Dr. Google.

OMG ... I am so with you on the purple prosie attention from the man. That would drive me beyond nuts, too. I just don't have the personality for those kinds of 'moments' more than once or twice every couple of years/decade.

Now that you mention it, though, I do remember reading something about ... heart surgery and ... released emotions. Very woo woo. Maybe Christiane Northrup? Also, is it possible he might be depressed (common after heart surgery?)? Maybe he should talk to someone? Maybe you should get him some reiki or some acupuncture? (Lori over at writemindopenheart.com could tell you more about the reiki.)

Or maybe you should just take a damn big vacation and drink a lot of umbrella drinks.

ANYWAY, so glad that you are both okay!! Best of luck with the new job!!

PS. Have you tried Kanka? I don't know if that would be useful in your case, but it works well for canker sores (helps them heal faster, relieves pain ... just ~don't~ spill it on anything). Otherwise ... maybe your dentist would have some suggestions?

Now behave yourself for a while, okay?

Anonymous said...

Listen,up, I am catching up on my reading while I am supposed to be resting and then I read your previous post. Quickly followed by this post. DO NOT DO THAT TO ME AGAIN! I was practically on a plane to where ever you live in middle America to give you a great big hug.

As for DH, he's gotten a taste of his mortality, it's no wonder he was so weepy. You are his rock and he can't imagine a world without you in it. I'm still worried about your symptoms though, so please let me know what happens after the second opinion doctor visit.

Anonymous said...

OH my dear god.

I'm so relieved. I had been thinking about you -- even though I hadn't posted -- I had read your previous posts and been worrying it into the ground -- and am just ...*whew*



The Hopkins Happenings said...

Good lord never a dull moment!! So very thankful that it doesn't seem to be serious! It did make me think about something that several people I know are addressing... metal in their mouths. Apparently those silver fillings/caps and root canals can be harmful. Some docs/dentists disagree, but others are saying that without a doubt, those procedures, or having that metal (I don't know what it is, lead? mercury?) in your mouth is dangerous, and over time seeps into your bloodstream and can cause lots of problems. Anyway, if you don't get any answers from the second doc it might be worth looking into!

Marta said...

As a faithful reader, but infrequent commenter, I was anxious for a follow up post on Big D's surgery..hoping to read an "all is well" entry. It was shocking and frightening to read about your symptoms and fears of oral cancer! OMG, I worried and prayed for you! So glad you posted again so quickly with a good report! ...I wonder if maybe you are rubbing your tongue along your teeth a lot, due to stress, without knowing it??,,making it sore??... Ah, here's to your second opinion agreeing with your first!!! <3

Jade said...

Wow. What an intense past few days you've had had an anxiety filled last few days. I'm glad to hear that the first dr is thinking things look good, I really hope the 2 says tthe same.

I want to encourage you to allow yourself to be vulnerable with BigD. It mightt not make you feel better in the moment buut in the long run itt will allow you to develope more indeptth security.

Thoughts and prayers are with you!