Tuesday, June 12, 2007

memorable events

When you hear someone say that today is an anniversary do you assume it is of a happy event? It is one of those words that can mean so many things. When you are young and dating "like duh, an amazing guy" you celebrate your monthly anniversaries because you never really know if you will make it to the year mark. When you are married you celebrate that you have been able to stay together this long without inflicting severe bodily harm on one another with a mere death ray stare after your partner says or does something so completely stupid it is hard to believe they really did that, and that you are STILL married and CELEBRATING this anniversary. Then I think all of us have anniversaries that we would give anything to not have to remember. The babies lost, the parents lost, and multiple other moments in time that have formed you into the person you are. Seventeen years ago today my mom died. I can't believe it has been so long. Son #2 was 6 weeks old, son #1 was 17 months. Her death was totally unexpected and sadly the result of a medical resident's mistake. At the time countless people urged me to sue the resident, hospital and everyone in between but I couldn't bring myself to do that. He (the doc in training) was about my age and didn't harm her with any malice or intent. He made a mistake. A mistake that changed my entire world. It took my sons adoring grandmother that they would never know. She was the one person I could tell anything to and not be judged. (In fact she pretty much thought that I was brilliant--ahhhh a mom's blind love). I miss her every day and can't believe it has been so long and so much life has passed since then. All the important milestones in my adult life have happened without her knowing. Honestly it was about 2 years before I quit reaching for the phone to call her to tell her about something or about nothing at all, just to tell her hi and I love you. I realize after reading so many blogs about sucky moms that I was very blessed...though I already knew that but it just drives home the point. As for another subject...I have had a couple people email me asking what I ended up doing about demon boy (remember Damian the cat throwing devil??) well after thinking about it and talking with a couple of people that know the family well...apparently this would NOT be news to his parents. This boy has been banned from several homes and his parents really don't give a rats ass about why. There are some major issues going on in that house and it is best that I just keep son 3# away from there. What DOES break my heart is that he is being cast aside as a lost cause at 12. The rescuer in me wants to sweep him up and guide him into a productive adulthood. I will never understand people that have children and then fail them so miserably. Also since I posted last son #1 graduated from high school. I handled the whole evening great, nary a tear till one kid got up at the end and gave a fabulous little speech (which I might add, he did without note cards which is something that neither the superintendent or the school principal could do) and at the end of the kids speech, he asked the other students to join him in applause for their parents, to thank them for all their love and devotion all these years.... I lost it. Yep, tears 'o plenty. I sat there and watched the little boy that I first held when he was just 3 weeks old, graduate and begin the next chapter in his life. Where the hell did all the years go?? Well this post sure is dismal. I hope I don't drive you away with my droning on and on...I think it is just the day.

9 comments:

Mandy said...

Delurking to say, I'm sorry to hear about today being one of those sad anniversaries. Losing a parent is one of my greatest fears. Especially my mom. I'm sorry that your sons weren't given the chance to have such a wonderful grandma in their lives.

Too often I take my mom for granted. She's visiting right now from Michigan. After reading your post, I'll make sure to give her an extra hug before heading to bed tonight...

kath said...

What a sad and dreadful way to lose a parent, I am so sorry for this loss.
And as for the son? That graduation day sure does sneak up on you, doesn't it? Where do those days go?

okay... as for the toe walk...
that is something that I would not have paid any attention to in the days when I was raising my kids.
( they range from 29-35)I was an active and involved parent... and insatiable reader....and rarely heard of autism.
Now, so many years later, a day never goes by that I do not hear the word, or just have it as part of my consciousness.

The school where I work has a high percentage of autistic kids... and I see that walk many times a day.
It is a warning sign... but the problem is that so much about autism is just not known... not talked about...there would be very little chance of you just knowing that was a symptom. If your son is 18, and was not diagnosed until now.. he must have a mild form.. and that is good. If his symptoms were worse, he would probably have been diagnosed sooner...

May I suggest reading anything you can get your hands on by Dr. Temple Grandin? She is autistic.. she had severe symptoms as a child.. and has gone on to be very strong force in teaching about autism.

http://www.templegrandin.com/

please feel free to keep in touch if you like.. I hope you do, I would like to learn more about your son..

And mostly, do not beat yourself up.... you sound like a wonderful person, and loving mother.. and some things just are. There are still many things that you can do to support your son.

Beagle said...

This post was not dismal it was beautiful.

I am so sorry that you lost your mom way too soon and yet glad for you that you had such a great mom for the years that you did.

Congrats to your son for graduating and to you for raising him well!

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry for your loss. The anniversaries can be so hard.

Congrats to your son on graduating.

topcat said...

Hey there! Thank's for saying hi on my blog :)

steph said...

For me your post brought back my primal thoughts on the cycle of life. You probably lamented about those milestones longer then most as you had to share it with your mom somehow. You probably had the entire conversation with her in your head when the phone call wasn't going to happen.
We celebrate life with birthdays and anniversaries, but are somehow looked at as morbid or dismal for remmebering the losses. I think every life change deserves a moment of thought contemplation. Remembering her passing reminds you of how remarkable she was while alive, and the impact she had in the world.
I hope I am remembered~

Sitting in Silence said...

Hi,
Sorry about your loss. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. x

Big Brother said...

Come across your comment on my blog and just came by to say hello. I understand about your mother because we lost our dad quite young and we all still miss him. As for the parental failure, as a teacher I have seen many of these. I've always believed that in Dante's Inferno there should be an extra deep circle of hell just for parents who ruin their children's lives.

Cibele said...

Hi, thank you so much for stopping by at my blog. I am sorry about this sad anniversary. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose a wonderful mom as yours sound to be...
Congratulation to your son, I hope that the next chapter of his life will be a full of happiness, wonders, and victories… I am sure he has special place for you on his next adventure!