Final diagnosis

Not good. S1's car is DOA unless SOMEONE can come up with $1500 to fix it. As far as I am concerned it isn't worth it. The car has over 150,000 miles on it and I think if SOMEONE is going to come up with $1500 it should be put toward a "new" car. (Of course, I know absolutely nothing about cars, except how to drive them). Does anyone know what a head gasket is? Is the the gasket that is in charge of all the other lesser working class gaskets? Well, his is broken and apparently like humpty dumpty, it can't be put together again. He also has a leaky exhaust (I have that after eating beans sometimes) and his spark plugs are not sparking or plugging I guess. So we have a very pissed off 20 year old, who is being greatly inconvenienced and is basically 'grounded' until he gets some wheels. He then told me he may drop one of his classes so he has time to work. This I am NOT thrilled about. It is a foreign language class that will almost guarantee him the job he wants as it is a very specific language that is much needed in the international government arena where he wants to work. When he started there were over 30 kids in the class, there are now 6. How come this parenting thing is so damn hard? I had to literally take a walk to keep away from my computer~~~to stop myself from looking for a car for him. I am sooo damn bad about wanting to do EVERYTHING for everybody. I need to learn how to step back but I don't have ANY experience in that department. I think I am this way because my own mom was so helpful to me till I was out on my own after college. This is the only way I have ever known how to parent. I have been deeply engrossed in the boys lives from day one and for the most part it has served me very well....they talk to me, the trust me, and share their lives with me. The only drawback is that I feel so guilty. (This is all ME...they do not make me feel this way...in fact they tell me that I worry too much about them, but they know it is out of love and caring, not anything else) I feel like I NEED to help whenever and however I can and knowing that I can't (financially) is really hard on me. Especially with S1. He is my fragile one, yet the one with the most potential to succeed in life greatly and I don't want that delayed. He deserves it. That last part sounds like I am showing a preference for him over the others. It is not that. The other two are very laid back, happy-go-lucky and will be successful in whatever they choose to do, by the mere fact that they chose it. S1 is special in different ways and will crumble if his life goal isn't within reach. Well...I am just starting to ramble now. I am so glad I discovered blogging. Sometimes writing out my thoughts helps me put things that are emotional into perspective. Thanks for hearing me out.

*UPDATED Being a bitch or encouraging self sufficiency?

I can’t decide which I am doing right now. Oldest son called from college in a panic this morning. He lives off campus and his car is “broken”. I don’t know diddley about cars so for me to describe it would be as effective as me trying to explain how tons of jetliner can stay up the air without falling. So…I won’t go into that part of the story but here is my question…well, I will get to the question in a minute, first I need to lay some foundation. Oldest son has a bit of a worst case scenario personality. If something is wrong, in his interpretation it is REALLY wrong. If he is sick, he goo*gles till he is sure he has malaria. This is not a good trait unless he applies it towards his classes and then it makes him a fabulous student. He wants to succeed so he does. I have mentioned before..he is freakishly bright and that is not just a proud momma talking. Anyway, he calls telling me in a somewhat frantic voice that his car is his “life line” and how can he possibly “survive” without it. (I casually mention that the university shuttle does travel down his road but that was met with “it doesn’t go by all the time, only about once an hour”…to which I think…..yeah, so sit your butt down and wait for it like a regular person….but he isn’t a regular person. He is a man with a plan and doesn’t like diversion. He lives for structure and routine. So, he calls the local Ford dealership (mistake #1 son, don’t ever call a dealership…they are very expensive) and makes an appointment for today and wants me to come to university town to follow him there with his “broken” car then take him over to university and wait till he finishes classes at 5, return him to the dealership to pick up the car, ohhhhh AND pay for it too. I almost fell for it without even thinking. He is my child that I would walk on the hottest coals for (I would walk hot coals for the other two as well, but they don’t have the same exacting personality as oldest does and they go with the flow whereas oldest has a very low threshold for stress and needs more structure in his day/life. I decided as I was showering to leave that I would call the dealership myself and see what they had to say. They informed me that running the diagnostics would be $114. THAT IS BEFORE ANY ACTUAL REPAIR/LABOR WOULD EVEN COMMENCE. I about crapped. I took it upon myself to call a local car repair place in university town and he told me they charge $65 and if they can tell what is wrong by popping the hood, they wouldn’t charge the diagnostic fee. Sounds good to me. I called oldest back and told him what I had done and that he needed to call local repair man and make an appointment there. I intervened but still made him do some legwork. He called me back and told me they couldn’t fix it till Wednesday and good lord, today was only Monday…he may just shrivel up and die by then. How would he get groceries? How would he eat dinner? How would he take out this new girl he has been seeing? The intelligent person in me wants to tell him to suck it up and deal with it. Shit happens. That is exactly what I would do if this same event happened with the other two boys. So I am straddling the fence here. How much do I help? How much do I let him figure it out without stressing him out to the point where he can’t study? Since I am working from home, BigD and I could share one car for a few days so I am thinking about letting oldest use one of our cars. This would be a lot easier if he were at a school too far away to even consider this, but he is about 45 minutes from here. What do I do? Be honest, I need some real people thoughts here. At age 20 should I still be intervening or telling him to figure it out? * Well the world hasn't collapsed around him. I already knew what I had to do, it is just hard to let go and let him handle things. Ironically he is very mature for his age in most areas but some, the ones that change his routine or cause him inconvenience, set him off. He worked part-time for 2 years in high school to buy his car (it had 140,000 miles on it when he got it two years ago) so it means quite a bit to him having his own wheels, plus living off campus means a little extra hoofing to get around. He ended up taking the car to the second place, leaving it there and catching a bus to class. He is annoyed but dealing with it. Hopefully he will have it back by midweek and it will be one more thing in his 'I took care of it myself' column. Thank you all for the smack upside my head reminding me that my job really is to let him learn and keep an arms distance. As for helping him pay for the repair, it is something I really need to do. He is taking an accelerated program at school and really doesn't have time to work with his class load. He is trying to graduate in 2 1/2 years instead of 4....so mom will type a little faster for a couple weeks to help him out.

just one more

This is a wonderfully creative (short 1:20) piece from a 20 year old....I love it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

Little bit of love

If this doesn't warm your heart on a cold February morning....well my friend, you must have a heart of stone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rooyt3ptNco (you may have to copy/paste as my linky thingy isn't working)

much needed levity

I almost quit my new job this morning. I am having a real problem with the company not being very streamlined. When I am doing a job, any job, I do it right. Being methodical and precise is part of who I am so when I have to deal with people that are supposed to be management I expect them to ACT like management. Twice in the past two days I have gotten emails from people that completely contradict each other. I called today and could only speak with a third individual that told me to listen to management A and ignore management B. Ok..but its my ass on the line if B is the one with clout. I can't imagine someone going into this particular job/company without years of experience as they don't bother to take even one day to provide any type of instruction. They have their own operating system that has all sorts of quirks and subtleties and even as recently as today (my 5th day with them) I discovered that there are F key prompts that I could be using....I can't believe they don't do at least a short demo for part of a day when a newbie starts! I have been thrown in the deep end of the pool and nobody has pointed out where the water wings are. Very frustrating. Anyway...in the midst of a mini meltdown this morning, I clocked out for my 15 minute break (15 minutes per 5 hour shift) and checked my email. My wonderful husband had sent me the following in an email. It made me laugh when I really needed one. The subject line reads: "How do you know when someones butt smells?" Feel free to click on the image to enlarge :) Gotta love that man.

Helloooooooo

Nope I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I simply started my new job. How is it going you ask?? Well, if you are a physician you need to take heed to what I am about to say. Since the day I graduated from college I have worked in some area of medical care/testing. I have worked with physicians that are outstanding and some that scare the crap out of me. This post really has nothing to do with their intelligence..it has to do with their mouths, and what is in them when they are talking. For the past 10+ years I have transcribed records dictated by you. As you know these are medical/legal documents and I take pride in knowing that I have been providing you with these documents that cover your butt should you ever be reviewed or, god forbid, sued. But, this is a two way street, see, you have to speak in a language that I understand. If English is your second language then try to use the words in such a way that they sound remotely like English. It took me quite a long time earlier this week to realize that "puhdud" meant period. There is a growing list of words now that are new to me...well not really, I know the English versions of those words but your version, not so much. Taking a breath now and then, or even pausing when you come to the end of a thought is a nice touch. Also, if you could refrain from eating the double whopper and Slurpee while talking, that would be nice too. Oh, and when you belch or fart, yeah, I can hear that too. I have been spoiled for the past 10 years with clients that I have known forever and I know what they are going to say before they even know. I specifically targeted, ok profiled--I admit it, physicians that I knew locally. I still love you guys. Last night one of you sent me work that was so quick and easy that when I calculated what I made using an hourly scale...it was hovering around $30 an hour. I love you Dr. S. My new job is with a big teaching medical center. The cases are fascinating and much more involved than my local, FMD, Ortho, Uro etc. These patients are the sickest of the sick and my morbid personality really enjoys all the details. I am sick, I admit it. The other thing that you non physician people need to know is simply TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF! I have spent the last 3 days listening to list upon list of illnesses that could be prevented, or at least postponed, by not smoking, not gorging yourself with fat and actually moving your body around a bit each day. It is CRAZY how many 50 year old's are in horrid enough shape that they are ending up in ER's all over the place with total blockage in their main coronary artery (they call it the widow maker for a reason people). Even after all these years it still blows my mind that people recovering from heart attacks still choose to smoke. (I sometimes wonder if a head CAT scan would be in order to see if they actually DO have brains). So, if I only pop in a few times a week for awhile, this is why. See, I get paid by production (kinda like the 9 year old working in the factory in Bangladesh) so my little fingers are flying on my keyboard for 5 hours each day and when I am done....well, typing a post isn't high on my list. I am sure after a couple of weeks of getting used to the numbness I will be back in full force. Oh hell, who am I kidding....even pain can't keep me from giving my opinion on just about everything. But, don't even get me started on the octuplet lady with 6 kids already at home under the age of 7.She is craaaazy. PUHDUD!

For your viewing pleasure

I am trying something new. Almost 2 years ago Santa brought a Flip video camera to the family and other than high school graduations there really wasn't too much on it. I have decided to use it more and today seemed like a good day to shake off the cobwebs and try it out again. Excuse the poor quality of the video...it was taken through the kitchen window. This is how we spend our time when there is no school because of snow. Poor little Cosmo. He is our little rescue beagle. His teeny little legs get so tired that S3 usually has to carry him back to the door. If you have been reading for awhile you know that he is much smaller than our last 2 dogs were..at 75 lbs and 130 lbs each...this little guy maxes out at about 20-25. ENJOY!

Conspiracy

Am I the only person in the world that didn't know about this?????? I have spent my entire life bitching every time the roll comes flying out of the box and this thing that holds the roll in place has been there the WHOLE TIME! And you know what>>>>>it is even on the plastic wrap box,,,,,yes, even the generics. Where was my mother?! This is important stuff, right up there with "no they are lying when they tell you they are only going to put it in a little bit" or "make sure you have on clean underwear". I am stunned. Conspiracy's are everywhere

Grrrrr Mr. Blogger

I have written two brilliant posts today and blogger keeps giving me an error message. SO, instead of thrilling you with witty prose, I am going to give you a couple photos from the past few days. The "boys" waiting for their turn at the controller. (Yes, I do let my dogs on the leather couch and yes I know they shouldn't be there.) When is a cake not a cake? When it is a perfectly sculpted pile of snow on my bird bath thanks to mother nature. Walking into my office. Does anyone else have OCD dogs that line up their toys? Well...that's about it for now. BigD and S3 are out till 8 so I am off to do absolutely nothing, in absolute quiet, ALL BY MYSELF.

Can't let today pass

MY President took the oath of office today. Yes, he may be the President of the entire country but today I feel as though he belongs to me. I have defended him to some members of my family that think he will ruin our nation. I have watched with immense pride as my two oldest sons voted for the first time in their lives. I am very rarely wrong in summing up an individual based on many traits and this man has scored very high on my class meter. I think he is smart. I think he is confident. I think he will effect the change that is so desperately needed to turn our country back into the country that other nations admire and not jeer. My President, if given a chance to prove himself to the naysayers, will without a doubt, be historical, and not just because of his race.

One question

Click here: YouTube - The Animal Odd Couple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U After you look at the video...I have one question * * * * * * * * * * * how the the dog get a spinal injury in the first place? Me thinks the friendship may have been tested by a not so subtle move by the elephant....hmmmm, the untold story.

Global warming...my ass!

I really need to move. I recently discovered an island in the Caribbean named Barbuda. You must google images of this island. Go ahead, I'll wait. Someday I will live there and not here, where this morning the wind chill is 15 degrees BELOW zero. This isn't funny folks. I much prefer white sand to white snow. Ok, all you winter lovers, I think snow is beautiful, yes, I really do. If it could snow at about 72 degrees life would be great. I know I have been unusually quiet lately. I have been reading and commenting more than writing. I am in a bit of a funk. Do you ever have those times where you just feel overwhelmed by even the smallest task? I have been trying to pinpoint what the problem is, gnawing at me constantly in the back of every thought, and I think it basically all comes down to cash. I don't have enough. I was supposed to start my new job on December 1st but at that time we were in the middle of dealing with BigD's lung booger so I told them to go ahead and fill my position. Unbelievably they didn't. They held it open for me. FOR 4 WEEKS. Then I told them I just couldn't work the hours they wanted. It would take me away from S3 and all of his sports and activities that occurred between 3 pm and 8 pm and I would be working both Friday and Saturday evenings till 8. I would literally be clocking in as S3 walked in the door from school every day. As hard as it was to tell them no, I had to. I am too old to start working a grunt shift that keeps me from my family. I told them this on a Friday afternoon. On Monday they called and said they wanted me to stay with the company (this blew my mind because I hadn't even started and they were acting like I was an important part of their team) and offered me a day shift. Wow. I start this coming week and I will tell you, I can't wait to start having those paychecks deposited into my account. (I still have my regular clients but they are not enough to bring in my portion of the family chunk necessary for survival). I have a stack of bills from doctors, hospitals, college tuition x2, books, along with the usual insurance, house payments, property taxes, gas, electric, phone, etc etc etc. It will take me a very long time to get back into the position where I will be able to pay a bill when it arrives, but I have to believe that it will happen. (As a point of reference, I am known to be very frugal so we aren't talking about unnecessary expenditures here, no mani-pedi runs, no steak dinners out with friends etc. I have friends that ask me how I am able to make $1 last like $5....yes, at times I am sure they even call me cheap instead of frugal but hey, it's a talent I can't deny:) When I pay bills it feels so good to be able to cross that off the "to do" list and having them all sitting on my desk, piling up day by day, is very very stressful for me and makes me very distracted from anything joyful. AND I AM COLD. I AM NOT PLEASANT WHEN I AM COLD. So, all of you witty bloggers, keep blogging and posting your funny or thoughtful or ordinary posts and I will keep reading and escaping from my funk and for that I thank you. Love, Debbie Downer

New computer madness

For Christmas BigD got me a new computer. Well actually all the parts for a new computer. S1 built it for me last night (after returning a faulty motherboard initially). Well...S1 hates Micro*soft so when he builds computers for people he uses a Lin*ux/Ubun*tu system that is really slick. But, me being old and stuck in my ways....I am having one hell of a time getting used to this system this morning. You know, old dog-new tricks. Worst of all, none of my favorites are on this system. I am SO glad that blogger introduced me to the dashboard faves thing so I do have many of my blogs at that link but there are others that I check once in awhile so I am going to have to add them as I think of them. If you know anyone that deserves a kick ass computer with free phone tech support for life (from a really smart, self proclaimed geek) let me know. You too can be the owner of such a computer (with ridiculous processing speed--so fast it goes to the next page while I am still THINKING about clicking the mouse) for about $600-$700 bucks. (his fee, includes everything:) For work I am hoping the new system is compatible with the new employer...if not, you will probably hear my scream..wherever you are. I have a phone conference today with their Human Relations Department head. Oh crap...it's in 15 minutes...gotta run. Speaking of old dogs, I want to leave you with a challenge. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

A complicated man

I know none of you have been able to sleep wondering if I was still po'd at BigD. Well he is out of the doghouse. I took some wise person's advice (thanks Jerry:) and told him that he really upset me when he yelled at me for helping him (after HE asked me to help). You know what??? He was clueless. He didn't even realize how bad he made me feel. Sometimes he leaves me speechless, other times I sit here and write a whole post about him. The thing about BigD is...well, he is complicated. He is the youngest of 3 sons from parents that were the epitome of their era...the 50's. Mom always had on a dress and apron (she wore pants for the first time when BigD was in high school and it was a BIG DEAL, BigD and his brothers all remember when she did that....because it was so shocking!). Dad owned his own business and came home every day for lunch and when he went back to work, Mom cleaned, did laundry and started on dinner that was served promptly at 6 pm. Dad was the king of his castle and Mom was the homemaker. Both of BigD's brothers are extremely successful in business and for some reason BigD has always had this inferiority thing going on because he changed majors in college from business to law enforcement. He took an elective in that arena and was hooked. For some reason, he feels as though he is "less successful" than his brothers. He still refers to himself as the 'blacksheep' of the family. There has always been a little bit of the youngest child complex even though they are all grown men with families. He is very lucky though, they are all still very close. There are many things that make BigD the man that he is. He adores our children (and tolerates me most of the time:) He is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde though. At work he is a tough, no crap taking, black and white, right and wrong kind of guy. There is no shade of gray when it comes to the laws and how they are followed. He has advanced degrees in many areas of law enforcement, and could talk circles around anyone about just about anything. Why is it then that he feels like a lesser person than his brothers? It is a pride thing. He is a *gasp* civil servant, a government employee, a 'blue collar' worker. This man has pride oozing from his pores and when he is placed in a situation where he is presented in anything but a good light, he becomes a scared, angry 10 year old. Not angry in a violent way...I would never tolerate that after having an abusive father, but angry on a personal level, internalizing all his insecurities and occasionally snapping with a sharp tongue. Nobody that knows him would ever believe what I just wrote. He comes across with all the confidence of a true leader. And he is f.u.n.n.y. REALLY funny. He can get laughing to the point where he is crying and can barely breathe....watching him laugh makes everyone laugh. Being a true child of his family, it doesn't cross his mind to grab the vacuum or dust rag. I am fairly certain that he doesn't know that we own a machine that you can put dishes in dirty and they come out clean.....the same for clothes. He is not at all helpful around here but he is the first one to complain when things are not in order....which quite frankly they rarely are. With 3 sons, 2 dogs, a cat, a huge house and the fact that I work 60 hours a week...well, you get it. I can't possibly have it all done, all the time. (with the two oldest living at college things are a bit cleaner and more in order...somewhat). Anyway,,,,this is a complicated man and even after 27 years, I am still learning things about him but mostly I am learning things about myself, which for the most part, is a good thing.

marriage and other crap

Ok..so the next time I am boohooing about poor BigD losing a body part, remind me of tonight and what an asshole he is. He couldn't connect his new printer to his computer..got half way done and told me to try. I tried..it wasn't compatible with his operating system so he just needed an update. While I updated his ubuntu it froze. Soooo had to go back to square one and reinstall. I backed up his documents and proceeded to redo the system. So tonight he comes barreling into my office BITCHING that I screwed up his computer...he can't find his links to his *ahem* sites. I told him they were still there, they just weren't on the desktop. He knows NOTHING about computers except how to turn it on, click on links and open email. (Seriously he doesn't even know what blogging means.) The only reason I didn't go off on him was because S2 and S3 were there and I didn't want them hear me tell him that his porn is safe and sound and them to sneak to see what shit he looks at on gross sites. So, now he is pissed at me FOR NO REASON after he ASKED ME to install his printer that he couldn't install. WTF! On days like this it is very easy for 27 years of marriage to feel like 26 too many. He has the personality that when he doesn't know how to do something and it is pointed out to him, he gets very defensive...see he is perfect. He can't stand for flaws to be pointed out..so we don't. We tiptoe around him and yes, talk about him behind his back...cause that's what family does you know. His own mother warned me about him.."he doesn't take criticism very well, even when he was little"...I should have listened..we mothers know our sons. When he was "sick" I was his angel, could do nothing wrong, he wanted me to sleep on a chair beside his bed so I was there when he woke up, etc etc....well, looks like things are back to normal. Yep, at least for today, BigD does stand for BigDick (and not in a good way).

Referral to another blog

I am still not convinced that these are little old ladies but they sure do write insightful posts. If you haven't read any of their stuff...shoot on over there and check them out. (They especially got rolling when S.Palin was hot in the news, so if you have time to check out some of the posts from early last fall, it is worth a cup of coffee to sit yourself down and get a laugh) http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/2009/01/05/getting-the-bad-guys/

Life in 100 words

Teendoc sent out a challenge to write you life story in 100 words. Exactly 100. Try it. Surprise baby born when mom was almost 40. Grew up with much love from her, parents divorced when I was 5, shitty dad out of picture by age 8. Got stepfather at age 10, moved to new city, too shy to make friends=miserable. Hated snob filled private high school. After college found job, found husband, still live in town where we were married. 8 years infertile, 4 losses-all girls, have 3 sons. Built both houses lived in since married. Working hard to pay life’s bills=very stressed. Finally like myself. Very proud of sons. Mostly happily married. Wouldn’t change a thing.

A must read

The link below is to a blog that I started reading not too long ago. He is a very insightful young surgeon and I personally think this is the best New Years post I have ever read. http://ohiosurgery.blogspot.com

Good morning 2009

So what was I doing when the big ball dropped you ask? I don't remember. I am fairly certain it involved some drool and some snoring. We did manage to go to dinner with all 3 boys before the two youngest scattered to "parties" (that were mediocre at best according to the report this morning). BigD and S1 had a rousing game of scrabble in the kitchen while polishing off the gift nuts we received. Me...well, I turned on my electric blanket (I promise I will be more 'green' conscious this year but I refuse to give up the blanket suckas).I cranked the blanket up to the sweat like a whore position, grabbed the remote which is usually ensconced tightly in BigD's grip and watched mindless television with my 2 doggies snuggled up beside me. It doesn't get better than that. I hope 2009 is the best of all years for all of you. I hope your wildest dreams come true, your jobs stays stable, your bank account grows and most importantly, you are surrounded by the people that you love.

Your chuckle for the day

If you are a youngin you may not relate to this but it had me wanting to share because it is too good not to. Send it on to your parent's or anyone you think would appreciate the humor. http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

two photos

Hello all.....I may regret this. In the event that you know us in real life, please tell me so I can make sure I never include you in any of my "I hate this person" posts. It would be embarrassing. Anyway....the following photos are of S2--the one that thinks he is not at all good looking. Obviously he is stupid. He has no girlfriend because he is afraid he will get shot down if he asks someone out...you know, because he is so unattractive and all.

The second photo is of me, BigD, S1, S2, S3 and really old aunty. I could fill the whole internet with hilarious stories at old aunty's expense but since it is considered cruel to laugh at people, I will not do that today. Tomorrow, maybe. Trust me when I say that dementia can be fun. She still has a quick wit and knows she can't remember and even laughs at herself. OH, and for those of you that thing BigD looks old because of his white hair, he got that white hair when he was 29. Coincidentally a mere 2 years after we married. Everything is always MY fault.

Please note that I am the woman in the photo that is hiding behind everyone because I have gotten so damn fat. I have a story about that too but I will save that for another day too because the oven timer just buzzed and I have to take the cookies out.

Ugly? A matter of opinion

My family is so very cruel. Every morning when I plug in the tree there is something missing. MY ORNAMENT. For years, I have lived through a chorus of "that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen", "are you going to scrub the pot with that after dinner" "I hope the lights melt that damn thing" and on and on and on.

Each morning MY ORNAMENT is missing. I have to search to find it. Sometimes it is buried deep within the tree. One time I found it in a sauce pot in the cupboard. It has survived being thrown over me, monkey in the middle style. This is the ornament that some day, when my ashes are glistening on a white sandy beach somewhere, my little snot heads will talk about and I bet will actually argue about who gets to keep moms ornament.

I have had it for as long as I remember. I have no idea who gave it to me or maybe even made it for me, but my little pot scrubbing Santa, in all its plastic goodness has hung on every tree I ever remember and will continue to do so. Ugly is a matter of opinion and my opinion is the only one that counts :) Anyone else have an ugly on their tree?

This little girl

She had such a confusing childhood. Nothing unlike many children have, but she didn't understand so many things. At a very early age she learned how to not make noise because it might make her father mad. When he was mad he was very mean. She thought it was all her fault because she didn't know what else could possibly make someone so angry. She tried so hard to be quiet, not leave toys laying around, and she tried to be invisible.

She learned to escape into her little fantasy world in her head. It was just like a television show. You know...the one where the family all sits at dinner, laughing, and the kids tell the parents how swell they are. The one where the father calmly explains why he said "no" to a particular request. The one where the father never hit the mother or the mother was never lying on the kitchen floor with blood around her. The television shows that were an escape from that was happening in her house, not daily, but too often. Ozzie and Harriett, The Cleaver Family..they were all what she wished for.

She was so confused but relieved when her father told her that he was moving out. He blamed her mother, saying she was a bad mother. This was very confusing because she seemed like a really good mother. In fact her mother was the one that always protected her.

There were words swirling that a 6 year old didn't understand. Divorce. Alcoholic. Safety. There was whispering. Nobody in her town had parents that were divorced. She was the only one and everyone was whispering about it which made her want that fantasy life even more. She had no idea that the reason people were whispering is that they were worried for her...she was too young to understand all of it. All she knew is that people were looking and talking about her and it was embarrassing.

That Christmas she asked Santa for a doll. This was a special doll that actually moved when you wound up the special wheel on her back. He told her that if she was very good, she would get the doll. She was certain it wouldn't be there because she must have been very bad. Her father had moved to a different house, her mother was nervous, the police stopped by to say hi but she knew that police arrested bad people and took them away and she was sure she had been bad for all of this to happen.

When I found this picture I had planned on telling all of you that this Santa was actually our mailman that dressed up on Christmas Eve and for $10 he would make a stop at your house, pose for a few pix and be on the way to his next house. I am here to tell you, Mr. Bozer was THE BEST SANTA EVER! He was a good friend of my mom's and spent an extra few minutes at my house before heading back to the North Pole to load up the sleigh. It was an amazing thing for me....I actually had the REAL Santa come to my house. I didn't know for years that so many people were trying so hard to make me happy. They understood all the things that were happening that I thought were my fault. Now I look back and wonder what would have happened had they not all been there to support my mom. After my parents divorced, many asked her what took her so long. You have to understand, this was a different time. A time when 50% of marriages didn't end. A time when you stayed married no matter what.

I started this post to tell you a happy story of a little girl who got the doll she really wanted. The one that she would treat with love and could be the baby she could take care of and protect. I had no idea all of this other stuff would come out. I guess some memories stick around long after you thought they were gone.

My bloods a boilin

Short but VERY LOUD, LARGE FONT rant here. I have a real problem with Ticketmaster. If you want to see any event in our area,(major city, not podunkville) you have to buy your ticket/s from them. They are a bunch of bottom feeders. I just bought 2 tickets to the Transiberianorchestra for S1. This is his Christmas present. (the whole point of this post isn't to have you sit there and think "she bought him THAT?"---he is not a typical 20 year old, we have covered this before, now go back to my rant) These tickets were $37 each. Two tickets should be $74. Right? How come they ended up costing $93.30 you ask? Because this company charges $7.50 convenience fee PER TICKET, a handling fee PER TICKET and then they charge you TO PRINT THE TICKET ON YOUR OWN PRINTER AT HOME!! $19.30 in extra charges. Assholes.

People

I have lost a reader. When you only have 12 to begin with, and you lose 1, it is noticeable. Hell, thats like getting an extra large pizza with a piece missing....or buying a jumbo package of toilet paper that is a roll shy. I know why this reader left. It was my snide remark about the shoe thrower. This reader took offense and let me know about it. To set the record straight...IT WAS A JOKE. I never expected to ever be Heather "Dooce" Armstrong ~~ that blogging queen has thousands of readers and gets hundreds of responses to her posts, but hell, I can't even get 12 to stick around? Maybe it was my delivery. Maybe this person was the last person in the US to still think Dubya was a good leader and can't understand why a man felt the need to lob a shoe. Maybe I need to work on my material. I will try to come up with some more interesting material and get back with you. In the meantime....are all you kiddies ready for Christmas?? We won't be having much of one around here if mr. mailman, mr. ups man, and mr. fedex man don't show up soon. I will be wrapping a lot of pieces of paper with item descriptions written on them and passing those off as the real thing. I only went to one store to shop. Honest. And it was a drug store. All the rest was via ebay, overstock, and amazon. Christmas cards..not only are they not sent, I haven't bought any yet. So those of you that are anxiously waiting for my card to appear....please don't wait. Go about your business, move along, there is nothing to see here. I was supposed to have both of the college boys home now. Only one is here. S1 has decided to stay at his apartment a little longer. Seems as though there is a female that has been circling him for a few weeks and finally came in for the kill last week and they have been seeing each other daily since. Yes...I did say S1. The same kid that had dated the love of his life for 3 years. His only real girlfriend ever. Over Thanksgiving she told him she wanted to be able to date other guys to be sure S1 was her true love....the only catch was, she didn't want him to date anyone else. Yes. She really told him that. Well he was broken hearted, we sat on his bed for 3 hours one night and I tried to explain women to a young man with no sisters...this was not easy. He was crushed. I was crushed that he was crushed. I was also a little peeved that she really thought this idea of her dating and him not dating was an acceptable idea. So fast forward~~the circling girl came in for a landing and S1 is having fun. Another young adulthood crisis averted. Oh, and circling girl is older. 3 years older. Is graduating this year. She thinks S1 is wonderful, so I know I will like her :)

Tell the truth

How many of you would like to give the shoeless man a high five? (you only need to watch the first 10 seconds). C'mon, you can't tell me that this didn't make you think hmmmmm. Though the first thing I thought when I saw it was why did it take his SS agents sooooo looooong to react. (insert another hmmmm here.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0125Qrn24EQ

Somebody didn't read the directions

ANYONE GOT A STRAW?

BigD's lung is fillin' up with lung juice again. We are headed BACK to Pittsburgh again on Thursday for what we HOPE will be a quick round-trip visit. Hopefully they will just stick a pin in him. This time, I am throwing a small suitcase in the back of the car...j.u.s.t. i.n. c.a.s.e.You know that if I don't we will definately have to spend the night (or more) but being prepared means that we will be home~~before having to sleep somewhere other than my bed. I knew something was up because his voice changed again and he started to get back his annoying little cough cough. I called the office and they wanted us to come over today but neither of us was prepared mentally to go there again, yet. Plus tomorrow morning S3 has an appointment to have his toenail removed (ewww, gross, I know) and I am not going to reschedule at this point because he has been gearing himself up for this. He is not the most courageous tiger in the zoo and this is taking all the nerve he can gather. SO, when I called the office they agreed to let BigD get a chest xray here in small town and fax them the report. They said there isn't a ton of lung juice there right now and we had to pinky swear that we would go to an ER if he got short of breath or symptomatic at all other than the cough, cough. Somewhere in this flurry of activity, I need to do some Christmas shopping! I will have some pretty pissed off guys in my house if Santa doesn't swing by our shack on Christmas eve and leave a little sumpin sumpin under the tree. But tonight I am going to look at puppies. God help me if they are as cute as everyone has told me. A friends dog had a litter of 8 and I have avoided going there (having a hubby in and out of the hospital has helped me keep away) but I have to see them tonight as I am picking up S3 at their house in a bit. Please remind me over and over that I DO NOT NEED ANOTHER DOG in my life. I love my 2 and NO they DON'T need a little sister. (7 girls and only 1 boy puppy who already picked his family). I may post a photo though, if they let me take one. (a photo, not a puppy)

GO AHEAD, PET HIM, HONEST--HE WON'T BITE

30 SECONDS LATER:

FINALLY!!

Got the call today......drum roll please~~not cancer.

While that is terrific news it came with a bit of an unexpected diagnosis. Apparently at some point in time BigD had an infarct in one (or more) of his pulmonary vessels causing a large area of scar tissue that became a globby cystic jelly filled fibrous mass.

We will have a followup with Super Uber Doc in a couple of weeks to ask some more specific questions pertaining to what comes next but for the time being, the last 2 1/2 months of worry is over.

Now for your viewing pleasure is a photo journal of our trip. Some of the photos at the end are gross so if you are eating dinner right now, don't look. The night before the big CUT we spent the night in a hotel after going out and buying toothbrushes etc etc. This photo of the bed in the morning is an indication of how well we slept.

I LOVED the humor in these next shots.....the first one says "please follow the arrows"

After yet ANOTHER PET scan...we had to go see the Uber Doc which required signing in and then registering with my new BFF....check out her name, and YES she was :) She was delightful!

This next photo made me soooo sad. This kid was about 18-19. We sat in the waiting room for 2 hours waiting for BigD to be taken back to the surgery dept. This kid was waiting for someone to go back too. It took every ounce of my being to not go over to him and beg him to please start taking care of himself. He is a medical disaster waiting to happen. In the two hour time frame we sat there, he went through 3 cans of pop, a gift size container of M&M's and a couple bags of chips. So sad.

Once BigD was taken back to surgery they plunk the family in this terrific waiting area. It is actually 6 waiting areas in one.Each one had a TV, rocker, chairs and lamps. It was very comfortable. Each patient is given a number and you can follow along through the surgery process by finding their number on the board. It tells you what part of the surgical process he/she is in at that time. Very cool idea. The following are photos of the "room" S3 and I stayed in while BigD was an inpatient. My BIL is a wonderful, world traveler that floated us some of his Marr*iott points and we had a nicer room than we have had on some vacations.

Here is the view from the room and a shot that made me chuckle.

The sign says not to block the door :) NOW HERE COMES THE ONES THAT HAVE A TAD OF GROSSNESS TO THEM. ALTHOUGH IF YOU ARE LIKE MOST PEOPLE THAT SLOW DOWN AT THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT JUST TO SEE SOMETHING...YOU MIGHT LIKE THESE.

Two chest tubes, not one, but two, because he always has to be a showoff.

The goal is NOT to fill these. This is where they put your extra parts when they discharge you. We are sooo freakin glad to be home.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS....THEY WORKED :)