ONLY HALF NUTS

wild and wacky day

2012-01-12T10:24:00.002-05:00

Okay, so lets recount the past 24 hours shall we?

When we last spoke I was whining about the unprofessional, vibrating office. Since that time many things have happened.

BigD had his final doc appointment before being cut loose to return to life as previously scheduled. All went well and he is allowed to return to work though he has decided that another two weeks at home would be nice (just shoot me now) so he won't actually be unglued to me until the end of the month.

Before heading to his appointment I printed out my updated resumé and instead of faxing it to the office that is looking I decided to drop it off in person. They know me, but just in case they needed a facial recognition I wanted to have that going for me.

My quick in and out drop off turned into an hour long interview with three supervising staff members culminating with a job offer. The ad for the position hasn't hit the papers yet. It begins tomorrow. Yes, I know, I should have bought a lottery ticket on my way home.

The job was actually more full time than part-time so I initially turned it down, but we continued talking and they decided to fill it with two 25 hour people instead of one 40 hour person. Me being one of the 25 hour people. J.ob-sharing is a wonderful thing. We agreed on a salary, they offer free o.ptical and d.ental even for part-timers, there is a very generous u.niform allowance, 401.k, profit sharing....and the list goes on and on.

So lesson #1---if you aren't happy with where you are do something about it. Speak up. If you don't try, you will never know.

Then I called the doc I am leaving. I figured I owed it to him to explain why I was leaving and that it wasn't his fault. We talked a very loooooong time and he understands completely and said he has been trying to have changes made but his suggestions and requests are falling on deaf ears. So, like I said, sadly he is stuck.

I then called and left a message for the manager to call me back so I could tell her I wouldn't be there today (because of sickness, not because of the fact that I am quitting) and she never got the message. Ah yes. Another typical drop the ball event in that office. If I were a patient there, I would go screaming into the night. I guarantee you, someone will be misdiagnosed or a diagnosis will be missed because of the lack of follow through. Glad I won't be there to witness it.

So, she called me this morning and APOLOGIZED to me for the work conditions at the office. Doc had told her that he and I had talked so she already knew. It was nice I didn't have to tell her because I probably would have over-shared my review of the practice. This way, I could leave quietly, no fanfare, and a touch of class.

The invisible weight has been lifted from my shoulders but all the stress of the past several weeks has caught up with me and I feel like crap. I am off to find a cure for what ails me.

dilldough and other office talk

2012-01-11T07:09:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know it isn't really spelled that way but if I put in the correct spelling I would get too many goog hits from sexually frustrated people.

The title actually reflects the first conversation that the office staff discussed my first day at the new job. No shit. The office is so small you can't even whisper without patients hearing and these girls are discussing their vibration devices like they were discussing mocha vs vanilla latté. There are five of us in an area suited for two. Chairs can't be slid back enough to get up without hitting the person behind you.

Yesterday the manager was on the phone YELLING at her boss with the window open and an overflow of patients in the waiting room. I made eye contact with the doc and he and I were both slackjawed during the fifteen minute phone argument. He is disgusted. I am disgusted. He is stuck. I am not. When I was just about at my breaking point (sanity wise.....I actually like the job but the drama is unbelievable) doc said to me with a glaze in his eye that he made a huge mistake joining this group. He is an employee just like me. But, I have the ability to move on and he is screwed. There are too many reasons to list here why he can't go backwards, but he can't. The ink is dry on his employee status----and they are treating him like one as well. Meetings are being held and he is not "invited" as it is a partner meeting. It has to be humiliating for him after having a successful practice for 30 years. He took some very bad advice from someone he shouldn't have listened to and joined this mega-group. As of this point, there have been no advantages for him. I take that back. No instead of being on call every other weekend, it is every third. He sold his soul to the devil for an extra weekend. He really should have done more research before making the leap. If nothing else, this is a perfect example of letting someone else make a big decision for you.

Since we are the "new guys" so to speak at the office we need to adapt to the way things are done there, which is fine, I go with the flow---except that pulling out pen.is shaped chocolate at the front desk and eating it lovingly in full view of patients is beyond my comprehension of a professional work environment.

In two days I have found out which vi.brators are the 'best'; which bars in the area have the best beer/and guys to pickup (this advice came from one of the girls that I found out yesterday is married) and apparently it is okay to yell shit when the person next to you is on the phone with a patient. I happened to be the one on the phone, not the one saying shit, just to clarify. Though there have been many moments I would have liked to yell it too.

I was telling a friend who works in a sane office how ridiculous this place is and yesterday she left me a voicemail that she mentioned to her manager my situation and the manager told her to call me and have me get my resumé to her today. They know me so I have a shot at actually being offered a position. If my charming nature and the fact that I am willing to plead on bended knee do me any good, I may be posting soon about another new job. If not, I will post the name of the best vi.brator according to the current staff.

doctor visit

2012-01-03T10:43:00.003-05:00

Needless to say this entire weekend sucked for me. Unfortunately since BigD caught me crying he turned into a ridiculous annoying mess himself. I know so many women that would kill for a man fawning over you, staring at you, talking to you while you sleep, grab you and pull you in for a hug because you simply manage to walk out of the bathroom, tell you he loves you 80 fucking gazillion times in three days, but....for ME, while it is all very sweet, it is also terribly irritating.

The moment I would finally be focused on something other than my potential cancer diagnosis, he would be looking at me with his moist eyes and it would throw me right back into my own terror mode. I had to ask him over and over to PLEASE quit asking me "how are you". The odd part is that for the first half of our marriage he was very non-demonstrative and actually rather unsupportive of me. My job was never as important as his, the house was never quite clean enough, the infertility was 'my' problem and I needed to 'get over it' etc. You get the point. But, in the past few years he has found his feminine side and has been discussing feelings and has told me that he really realizes that I did an amazing job raising our children...etc. Yep, real honest to god feelings.

Part of me really likes the change. The other part....the part that is worried...wants him to shut the fuck up and go to another room. I walked into our bedroom last night and he was sitting on the bed staring at a photo of the boys and he was crying. Sweet jeebus he is lucky I didn't chuck the loaded laundry basket I was carrying right at his head.

When I am worried is doesn't help to see terror on someone elses face. I was worried all weekend that the boys would see or hear him and then they would know there was a problem and I had an issue I was checking into. I asked BigD to please not tell them. I truly think that was tough for him because he wants to 'share' his concern.

Now, keep in mind that he had surgery six weeks ago yesterday, and was home for two weeks prior to that so he has been here eight weeks and I am really ready for him to go back to work. God help me when he retires someday.

So, this morning I drove 45 miles to the big city hospital and met with the Maxillofacial Surgeon. He shot numbing spray up my nose but didn't bother to wait until it numbed before shoving a long lighted scope up into my brain (well, he stopped short of the brain, but just barely and yes it felt exactly like you think it would) He then did these amazing moves with two tongue depressors...kinda ninja like moves...holding, twisting, lifting, pushing and told me that the things I am concerned about he doesn't feel are cancer. He has no explanation for the intermittent funky smell as my max.illary sinuses look okay, the lesion on my tongue he feels is an area that healed oddly after having been lacerated (ie: bitten when I was shoveling in food at some point), and the pain along the entire rim of my tongue and the sunburn feeling on the top surface of my tongue are all non-issues. If you have any clues as to what I can do to alleviate the edge pain and/or burning feeling, feel free to share.

So, there you have it. My entire 4 day weekend sucked, I aged 50 years, had to deal with a husband that was moved to tears a.l.l.w.e.e.k.e.n.d and had to take my first day of work at a new job off because they don't call in people from their other locations for just 1/2 day so I had to take the entire day off.

This was so bad this weekend that in my imagination I was going to be the female version of R.oger E.bert (if you don't know who he is, goog his image post surgery) and had decided to make a personal video for each of the boys so they could remember not only what I looked like *before* but also hear my voice because I was certain I would lose that too.

If nothing, I have learned to stay the hell away from the computer and let someone who actually graduated with a medical degree decide my health course. But, you can bet your butt that I am going to keep an eye on my oral situation because I also know that not every doctor graduates at the top if his class. Think about it. Every graduating class has the one (or ten) that the other grads are shaking their heads about, thinking "how in the hell did he/she graduate"? I also have another appointment for a second opinion scheduled for tomorrow (made the same time I made todays appt) that I will probably keep. Crazy? Maybe, but read the second sentence of this paragraph again.

Thank you for your well wishes and kind comments. It sounds stupid because we haven't met, but it really did boost my sagging mood to read that you care.

I don't know where to begin

2012-01-01T09:25:00.003-05:00

2011 was an interesting year. A full year of job fluctuation stress that I really don't have the strength to go into here but it's safe to say I aged twelve years in the past one. BigD had triple bypass surgery that really was completely unexpected (he isn't old, doesn't drink or smoke, isn't overweight (well not really), blood pressures have always been normal to low normal, etc etc. Then bam. One small thing led to a Thanksgiving week bypass and many weeks of him being home and wanting to be at my side when I am not at work. Of course that means he is camped out in my home office when I am here and if any of you want to know anything about Stora.ge Wars, Am.erican Chopper, or The Turt.le Man just ask. I bought myself a nice TV a year ago for my office to watch "my" shows now my remote is programed for the above.

2012 isn't starting out much better. I have an appointment Tues morning with a specialist in head and neck cancer. Long story short, for 6-8 months I have had a constant subtle smell that smells like a dirty ashtray or the smell you get when you first turn on your furnace in the fall. A little stale, metallic etc. Anyhooo, my doctor was on a sabbatical (ie: state mandated 90 day probation.....-she got turned into the state medical board by a pissed off wife because the doc had a fling with the pissed off wife's husband) Hey, I don't care who she bonks as long as I am not in the exam room when it happens....she is a good doc and knows her shit. Anyway, in researching this "smell" issue I have discovered that it typically happens in people that have cancer in the head and neck.

Anyway, I just tried to ignore what I thought was a sinus infection and waited till she got back. I went in got a script for an anti-biotic, which subsequently caused th.rush in my mouth. (for those of you that have little ones that get it from nursing, get it treated because it hurts. I feel terrible I never took it seriously when my guys got it--I didn't know that it made them uncomfortable). ANYWAY...she then gave me two back to back scripts for an oral medication to swish around to take it away. When it didn't really help I started looking things up. Dr. G.oogle is my friend and worst enemy.

All the while, and for up to a year I have had a little reddish/pinkish raised soft spot on my tongue that I figured was from using my tongue as a stress meter all year and smashing it against my teeth. I think I may take up nail biting instead.

After doing some research I am seriously, very seriously, concerned I have oral c.ancer. Of the dozen symptoms I have too many. I googled a photo of a tongue cancer and up popped a photo of a tongue with the same pinkish/reddish raised soft spot, in the exact area where it is prevalent, (side of the tongue in case you want to run to the bathroom and check your tongue). The photo could have been a photo of my tongue. No shit.

My tongue hurts around the entire edge, back to front to back, it has started to burn off and on, and the real kicker is that tongue cancers are squ.amous cell. If you look back to a new years post a couple years back, remember I got the call on new years eve that my "it doesn't look like anything" (according to the dermatologist) lesion came back as sq.uamous cell. If you remember it was also in an area that NEVER EVER has seen sunshine.

So, on Tuesday which is supposed to be my first day at my new job in a very face paced, high stress office, I had to tell the boss that I wouldn't be there, as I am going for a biopsy. Fuck. I am going to be tagged the problem child from day one.

So for the past week I have been crying in the shower, zoning out when I have many things to do, and thinking about the fact that if it is oral CA, according to my research it is the 6th deadliest cancer killing one person every hour and only 50% of people survive five years. Who knew?? I have a son getting married this year, I want to retire someday and take real vacations, I want to babysit for grand-kids, well---the list is longer than you can imagine. Until now the thought of looking at my tongue for anything abnormal (and who the hell knows what that means) never even crossed my mind.

BigD isn't even allowed to drive yet, in fact he isn't allowed in the front seat because of the airbag and the fact that it would rebreak his ster.num, so I will make the 45 minute drive to the doctor with BigD in the back seat and most likely we will both be a wreck. He has been crying off and on all weekend because he knows I am scared and he can't do a damn thing about it. The boys and their ladies are here and it is helping distract me, but then I look at them and feel my eyes welling up and have to head to the bathroom until the wave of fear and anxiety passes.

So, how 2012 shapes up is yet to be determined.

Filet time

2011-11-20T07:45:00.002-05:00

BigD is having his chest opened tomorrow, his breastbone sawed in half and pulled apart with a heavy metal retractor (goog a photo and see what fun it looks like) , his heart stopped for 4-6 hours, his vessels rerouted, then his breast bone will be pulled back together and wired shut, finally ending with a lovely 7-10 inch scar down the middle of his chest.

It all sounds so simple.

Lets just hope tomorrow isn't the day the surgeon decides to quit drinking and gets the DT's, or he feels a head cold coming on and lets out a gigantic sneeze and the bloody scalpel slips out of his hand and slices the aorta, or a young inexperienced surgeon begs and begs to help (think kids in the kitchen) and the frustrated old surgeon says 'whatev' and lets him take over.

This is the way my mind works. I can't tell anyone in my real life because they would think I was nuts, or mean, or whatever. So, I come here to let you judge my bizarreness.

Am I nervous? A little. But not about the surgery. It is taking place in the #1 cardiac facility in the world. Kings and Queens have been in the very OR that BigD will be in. The surgery itself will be fine. I am worried about after. Depression, anger, pain, and those are just what I will experience. He may have some issues too.

Nagging feeling part deux

2011-11-08T11:17:00.002-05:00

So, where was I?

BigD went in yesterday for his heart cath. We were both nervous. Me, because I knew to what extent that he had changed over the past year. Him, because he didn't want to hear any bad news. Both of us, because we knew things weren't "perfect".

S3 was off school so he wanted to come along. This in itself caused a "WHA?" reaction. 17 year old boy kid has a day off school, and asks to get up at 6am, drive to the big city to the north and spend the day hanging out in a hospital that gives him incredible heebeejeebees instead of sleeping in, grazing the fridge and playing ps3 all day. Did I tell you he is a great kid?

Once we got BigD checked in and prepped, they told us to go eat. The procedure would take between 45 minutes and 90 minutes. 45 if they found nothing. 90 if they had to place st.ents. We went to eat and as a side note, I found it a bit ironic that the best cardiac facility in the world, the one where sheiks and kings bring their faulty tickers, has an array of artery clogging specialties on the menu. I guess it is job security for them assuring repeat patients.

Anyhoo, on our way back to the cath lab we ran into future DIL's dad. I can't go into details, but lets just say he has something to do with the above mentioned sheiks and kings when they arrive into the fair city for ticker repair.

Future DIL dad (from now on will be FDILD) has a tendency to talk . A LOT. I wanted to get back to the lab but he kept talking. No sweat because the desk at the lab had my cell number and said they would call me if the doctor finished and wanted to talk to me. We were gone for a little over an hour when we finally made it back to the cath lab. When I walked to the desk, the sweet lady sat up and said "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?". Apparently they had been calling my phone and paging me for over half an hour. As she was telling me this, my phone made the sound it makes when a voicemail arrives. It was her message from 30 minutes earlier. Crap.

I instantly had two thoughts. Yippee...they were done in less than 30 minutes because all was good. Thought number two...Shit, they were done in less than 30 minutes, not enough time to stent so things are in the crapper.

They told me BigD was being admitted upstairs.....as in intensive care.....and we could go there. By this time S2 had shown up so the three of us went up to wait for BigD's arrival. We waited and waited. The kind desk lady called back to the lab for us to find out why BigD hadn't arrive upstairs yet and she said they were waiting on transport. Another 15 min went by and her phone rang and I heard our name. She called me to the desk with an odd look on her face and told me BigD was staying in the lab until he was discharged. HUH? Nothing made any sense. We made our way back downstairs.

We walked into the holding area of the lab and BigD was laying on the bed eating a turkey sandwich, baked chips (it is a heart facility afterall) and smiling. I was so confused. Patients don't go from being assigned a room in ICU to being discharged an hour later.

BigD said he talked to the doctor and the doctor said that there was only one area with a problem and he didn't think it needed to be stented. Now, thats what BigD heard. It's actually NOT what the doctor said.

Another hour passed while we waited for the doc to finish up another case and he came in to talk to us. What he actually said was........there is one vessel with 100% closure. As in completely. It is the major vessel. Yep, the wi.dow m.aker. Somehow BigD has developed an alternate circulation system and two new vessels have sprouted to take over the work. The man is a freak of nature. He managed to avoid dropping dead. Because it is 100% blocked he need not worry about a heart attack in that major vessel. It's already screwed. So now his other vessels are the ones that need to be addressed.

To say that my head is swimming still, would be an understatement. I have a ton of medical background, especially cardiology, and if I am befuddled, I can't imagine what the random patient must be thinking.

BigD has two options. He can either have a d-ouble by-pass or he can do nothing. Those seem like very unlikely equal options. Needless to say we have much to discuss, many more facts to ascertain, and multiple things to consider.

You know that nagging feeling in your gut?

2011-11-03T06:55:00.004-04:00

The one that makes you hesitate for a second to process some information. It's the thing that you repress because it conjures up uncomfortable thoughts, or things you just want to avoid in general.

Starting six months to a year ago BigD started to "change". By that I mean he seemed withdrawn more. He would sit for hours playing mahjong and seem disinterested in everything. Since he had been taking a very low dose anti-D for years I recommended (when I wanted to scream) that he ask the doc for a dosage increase. Having been on the lowest dose for about ten years it seems realistic that it has lost it's effectiveness. Anyhoo....I noticed other "symptoms" as well. He was lethargic (p.s.doc..check the thyroid too), sad, emotional (continually telling me how wonderful I am, while it's terrific--he would almost be tearful--and I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be kissing my hair and whispering how much he loves me...sweet but annoying at the same time), then I started noticing the physical symptoms. The weight gain (Well, I AM a kick ass cook), the ashen color of his skin when he would exert himself, the rest breaks that became so frequent it took him twice as long to do any yard work, etc. When we were in N.Y.City this fall I was walking along the parade route while he was marching and the thought flashed through my mind that I have seen that same pallor (ashen) and sweat on patients I was with in the ER during their MI's.

Knowing that it would piss him off, but doing it anyway, I subtly asked him repeatedly over the last six months if he was okay, if he felt okay. He admitted that he had been feeling down and that he felt out of shape (he is-and never used to be. I saw him on more than one occasion in his work capacity subdue the meanest of dudes without any difficulty). BUT, he also has no self control. We have talked about it over and over. If I make cookies (yes, temptress than I am, I DO cook and bake and the rest of us eat a sensible amount) he will eat 8 instead of 2, and then try to lie about it. I have taken to hiding my junk food to keep him healthy (I'm lying. I want it when I want it and if it's gone momma gets cranky).Last week I took 18 frozen cookie dough balls out of the freezer and baked them to have for dessert that night. I ate two, then left for the store. When I got home, there were 8 left on the plate. (There were going to be 5 of us at dinner). I was stunned. He ate 8 damn cookies that were for dessert.

He has been a regular at the R.ed C.ross donating every 52 days. They turned him away last week because his blood pressure was through the roof. He wasn't going to tell me but I saw the paper they gave him and confronted him. He said yep, it has been higher every time he has it checked. So, for the next three days I checked it a couple of times a day and it was ridiculously high. Now I got pissed. He had been taking this supplement crap to help with weight loss (hey, I have an idea...HOW ABOUT NOT SUCKING DOWN 8 COOKIES BEFORE DINNER) and it contains a legal version of amphetamine called phe.ntermine. He said that if it is sold over the counter it must be okay. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that he is as smart as he is when he is so stupid. He was taking some other crap for this and that too so I told him no more. If he wanted to kill himself he needed to do it at work because we get a huge death benefit then. I was kidding. Kinda.

Long story short, I got him in to see his doctor thanks to a friend that plugged him into a cancellation spot for the next day. He goes. BP is crazy high. Weight is up 25 lbs from last time. He finally admits to the doc that he has this *feeling* in his throat, upper chest, when he exerts. Not pain mind you, just a *feeling*.

Doc orders a nu.clear stre.ss test for yesterday. I took a book thinking I would have plenty of waiting room time. Not so much. Cardiologist comes out pretty soon and tells me that BigD has significant blockage. When I press him for which vessel, he tells me "the one on the front". He doesn't know that I am schooled in heart shit so I ask him if it is the L.AD. He gives me a look and briefly smiles and says yes. This my folks is commonly called "The W.idow Ma.ker". You literally have five minutes to get help if this one closes off. Five minutes.

So on Monday BigD is scheduled for a heart c.ath (they wanted to do it yesterday but the 'good' doctor is away until Monday. BigD was ordered to go home, don't do anything, don't work, don't get stressed, nothing. Seriously I can't believe the hospital let him go. It's a huge liability if something happens to him over the weekend.

We are looking at s.tents or bypass. We will know once the cath is done. Then comes the hard part. Getting him to eat healthy food. This is a man that lives on fat, grease and sugar. This isn't going to be pretty. I make healthy stuff at home, but when he is out and about he is on his own and his resistance to the smell of ribs, greasy burgers, fries, is very low. It would even be okay if he ate that stuff in moderation, but he is a second and third helping guy and he never leaves anything on his plate. It drives him crazy to see people not eating ALL their food. You would think he grew up in the depression for gods sake. His parents were fine financially, they were never ever hungry, so I have no idea where this clean plate obsession (that has gotten progressively worse over the past few years) came from.

So fun times ahead for the OHN household.

Not really a downer

2011-10-18T07:27:00.002-04:00

Hey. Sorry about that last post. I am not a debbiedowner....well, at least not out loud. I can't be held liable for what happens INSIDE my head.

So, lets lighten things up a little.

The "boss" closed his practice and now I am working for a HUGE medical conglomerate with 100+ employees and guess what?? Nobody smiles. Everyone hates their job. There is a power struggle between two women that each think they are the boss (neither are, but both want to be) and they don't like each other and on a daily basis try to undermine what the other one has said. Fun times.

Fortunately, what I do, I do primarily alone, going to the office at my convenience, usually before patients start arriving. There are a couple days a week that I am with the patients and I enjoy that. They come in grumpy and sick, usually end up having a finger stuck up their asses, or a scope rammed in their johnson, and if I can make them smile before they leave, I have had a good day.

I have been able to stay out of the middle of the firestorm that is brewing and observe and it's really getting fun. My prediction is that the revolving employee door at this place will be spinning constantly.

That being said--I did update my resumé. In fact I have written a couple of different ones to a couple of specific areas of interest of mine and will keep my ears open. The one advantage to age is that I have experience in more than one arena so I can fill a void in many types of settings. I am not looking for a career....just a 15-20 hour a week paycheck to supplement my dwindling business income, but my goal is to work from home again. After doing that successfully for 15+ years, I have found that I rarely have to fight with myself for a lunch break, and my four legged office mates are quiet, never have ego issues and are generally good workers. The farting is a bit much, but I have an office with lovely windows that open.

Now, I want to leave you with a link to a craig.slist ad. I was catching up on some blogs this morning and this was posted by one of them. It made my whole morning. http://nh.craigslist.org/clt/2647453265.html I will have to track back to http://www.midgetmanofsteel.com more often if he leaves me with gems like that.

A day late...doesn't it always happen that way?

2011-09-30T10:43:00.003-04:00

I was getting caught up on my magazines last night and there was an essay contest in one that for some unknown reason, felt compelled to enter. I wrote it all out (the essay subject was "when did you first understand the meaning of love") and as I was typing the submission email address I saw that the deadline had passed. (*note to self, read magazines closer to the time they arrive).

Anyway, since I can't share it with the thousands of people that read the magazine, I will share it will all three of you that read here.

My father was a charming, abusive, alcoholic. He was a pillar in the community, well liked, handsome, and in a position of power.

In her day and because she was Catholic, my mother knew that divorce was not an option. She endured his rages, threats and beatings not knowing what else to do in the era of the 1940’s and 1950’s. When I was born in the late 1950’s my mother was able to keep me sheltered, for the most part, from the turmoil but eventually one event led to a momentous decision for a woman in a small community in 1963.

After a particularly loud confrontation I walked into our kitchen in time to see my mother lying on the floor with my father standing over her in an alcohol infused rage. When she saw the look of terror and confusion on my face she made the decision, in that instant, to file for divorce.

Friends and family had to have known what was happening all those years. They didn’t know about the verbal abuse, or the times that the bruises and broken bones didn’t show. They didn’t know about the times she woke up with a gun pressed against her forehead with him asking her why he shouldn’t kill her that morning. Because of the era, and the way that “family matters” were not discussed with others, she never felt as though she would have any support and none was ever offered.

That morning, she didn’t care, the time had come. She told me later that she would not allow another child to live in such a horrid environment and that even if we had to live hand to mouth we would be safe. My brother had been witness to many episodes as he is a good deal older than I am, and ironically he has very little memory of any of the torment he was subjected to at the hands of our father.

So, knowing that she would be completely on her own with a young daughter, with no emotional or financial support from family and friends, and a community that would be stunned, she divorced my father because her love for me superseded everything else. It is an intense love that I thought I understood, but realized at the age of 32 I really never knew how intense it really was. That was when our first son was placed in my arms after struggling for eight years to become a mother myself. I got it. I finally really understood the whole “throw yourself in front of a bus for your child” love.

After word got around town that mom had filed for divorce, friends and family all quietly approached her and told her they wished she had done it years before. Everyone did know what was happening but because of the way things were, they couldn’t interfere in another family’s business, and they were also afraid of the ramifications from a powerful man.

Now, I hear myself telling my sons the same thing I heard from my mom for so long. They will understand how much I love them, when they have children. It took me 32 years.

Yep. Still kickin

2011-08-23T07:58:00.002-04:00

Hello. My name is OHN and I am a bad blogger.

Life has completely run away with my time. I have started to post here about 8 gazillion times but there never seems to be enough time to put it all down. Face.book has drawn me away like a drug because it's quick and I don't have to think.

Small recap: S1 is engaged. Yep, I am officially going to be a dreaded MIL. Though considering my soon to be DIL begs S1 to spend ridiculous amounts of time here, I think we are going to get along fine. As long as she learns how to make a bed, unload a full dishwasher, load an empty dishwasher-not fill the sink with dishes, wipe toothpaste out of the sink, not leave wet towels on the floor, and closes the fridge door once in awhile. All that said, she is lovely and a PERFECT match to S1. The soon to be DIL didn't have her mom around much growing up so some of the finer things that make a brilliant June Cleaver homemaker have not been shared with her. I am up to the task of gently showing her...bwahhahahahha.

On the home-front, since we last chatted, things have hit the shitter more than once. The marriage has been tested, jobs have been lost, finances have been stretched, and I have thought about running away from home. Seriously. I am a budget genius. I can make a dollar spend like five. Considering that S1 and future DIL, along with S2 and his sweetie (I introduced them, did I tell you that story??) are cleaning out the fridge on a regular basis make 1=5 necessary. It's the proverbial double-edged sword people. I LOVE the fact that my adult children still enjoy "home" but its tough to feed seven, when I am geared for three, on the spur of the moment. I have attempted to rectify that by telling them I need a little warning when they are coming. Dropping in is fine, but don't expect to be fed then. When they say "it's ok, we can order pizza", I have had to resort to telling them that spending $45-50 for one meal on pizza pies isn't in the budget right now. Which brings me to the next ohhh poor me moment:

Remember over a year ago when I was here whining about my job security. Well, Doc finally decided to pack it in and close his practice. So I have about 4 weeks before my income falls another $1000 a month (after falling $1000 a month last year) if you don't have a calculator handy, it is about $24,000 a year less than I made a couple of years ago. Yes. It makes a difference. I have been looking, right along with all the recent college grads that are slinging burgers-because the job market isn't too open in case you haven't heard. To make matters a little more complicated, my experience is all in the medical field in one aspect or another, so my market is a little specific. I am not opposed to changing fields mid-stream, but I have no idea what else to pursue without heading back to the college scene, then join the above mentioned recent grads at Mc.Donalds. I am resilient and I will find something. Anyone need their dogs walked?

Now, on to the marriage. What can I say? There are days where my patience is tried to the thinnest possible thread. Where I am the queen of monetary distribution, BigD is the opposite. He has no clue why I want to make sure we have a nest egg for emergencies (like when our 20 year old oven blows up, or my tires are bald). He will see that we have money in the bank and think....hey great, I'm gonna go buy $500 worth of shit I don't need at H.ome D.epot. It's okay though, because he can put it on the credit card. Here is a man that tracks and apprehends murders, rapists, and assorted other felons, yet he doesn't understand why he can't spend money at will. His thought (and the basis for our most recent "chat") is that if he is making it, he can spend it.

I made a spreadsheet (okay, actually it was just a word document with a numbered list) of what our actual expenses are monthly. House payment, insurances-(car, house,life, medical) prescriptions, utilities, gas, cable (yes, this IS a necessity as it bundles with our internet that I need for work), and the list goes on and on to include food etc. When it is down on paper it looks absolutely impossible that we are able to pay everything, and on time, with our income, but I make it work. When he saw the list that I presented without an attitude-I swear-he went off on a tirade that he works as much as he can, earns as much as he can etc etc. He totally missed the point. I am not asking him to make more money, just to understand that the money he (we) makes needs to be spent wisely and not on impulse. I am not a shrink, but I do know that part of his thought process is insecurity about being a good provider. He is a fine provider, its just that his siblings are all mega-mega-money makers and he has always felt "lesser" than them. This is ridiculous but he has always felt the need to keep up with them. I wish I had seen years ago his level of need for sibling approval, many things would have been different. I would have talked him out of our huge home, and the trappings that make us appear to be much more well off than we are. The appearance is very important to him. It's all smoke and mirrors people. I was young and naive.

Years ago he was in charge of our bills. Because of his line of work everything is in my name--liability etc. Guess whose credit hit the crapper when he would "forget" to pay the bills. I finally convinced him that since I am the one that grocery shops, was buying the necessities for the kids etc, I needed to have the checkbook because he wasn't always here when I needed it. I then slowly started asking "hey, I have the checkbook, want me to pay the phone bill?" and from that point on he was actually relieved to be relieved of the task of bill payments so I was off and running. At some point along the way he has forgotten how stressful it is to have $3000 worth of bills with $2000 in the account.

We got a small inheritance from a distant relative and I was breathing a sigh of relief knowing we could beef up our emergency fund, then I saw the glimmer in his eye. He had plans for all of it. Hence, another "chat". We have had more "chat's" in the past year than we have in the past thirty years. They are rather loud chats at this point. Though, this most recent one did end with him doing two home repairs that had been put off for YEARS and together they only took 2 hours. TWO HOURS and I have waited years without any nagging. I hate nags, and he knew they needed to be done so bitching about it would have just raised my blood pressure. He did hang his head like a sad puppy when he was done and admitted he should have done them long ago. (I told him some of his glimmer money was going to be spent on me hiring a husband for the day to do all the little things that haven't been done----he may have been thinking stud service, but I was thinking stud service....two entirely different kinds of studs :-)

Anyway, I have been under tremendous pressure from many avenues this summer and have neglected to write. I really should have remembered that it makes be feel incredibly good to purge here. At this point, I seriously doubt that anyone even reads this but it's good therapy for me. I have been reading some blogs, but not much. Even my favorites (yep, yours) have not been read for a bit. Hell, one went and got an awesome job and if we weren't Fbook friends I wouldn't have even known. Another traveled the world to speak at Blog.her. We WILL meet someday Eden, DD, Becky....and the list goes on and on. I have "met" some great people here and I feel like I have walked away. I haven't, life just got in the way for a bit. I will be back bitching as usual in no time.

You don't have to leave a comment, but if anyone is actually still reading, a quick "yep, still hanging with you OHN" would be great.

What I did today

2011-06-14T11:30:00.003-04:00

Okay. Whew, been a long time huh? Yeah, about that...sorry. I have been doing tons and will jot it all down here soon. But, in the meantime I wanted to share with you a letter I wrote this morning to a physician I started working for A WEEK AGO. Yes, I could only stand it one week. People...if you go to a doctor, and you have a test, CALL THE OFFICE for a copy of the report. If they don't call you, it doesn't mean all is peachy. Things fall through cracks, idiots are attracted to doctors office staff positions (ever wonder why every 6 months or year that you go there are new people??)

Anyway.....the letter is as follows. The dark print is the actual letter. The red, I would have loved to add in, but yet was able to restrain my strong desire to do so.

Dear Dr. Needsabettersystem:

I feel the need to explain to you why I am leaving my new position. My first day I was given (a ridiculous) 45 minutes of training, though most of it was spent by my trainer eating, chatting and texting with her cell phone (along with a few trips to the medication room...hmmmmm). Very few of my questions were answered, and I found much (all) of the (little) information she provided was either incorrect or incomplete. I am very surprised that there is not a procedure manual dedicated to your particular desires in regard to your EMRD data entry. (considering this computer system has supposedly be in place for three damn years). While the girls in the office have been helpful, (they too spend extreme amounts of time talking about their various tattoos, piercings, and drug addict baby-daddies), they are very busy with their own responsibilities, and because of that, my training has been haphazard at best, with me having to interrupt them to clarify information. (and when I do ask a question nobody else knows the answer and stare at me and each other like I just told them J.erry Sp.ringer is waiting to interview them).By my third day, I was no further along than on my first day. As a business owner myself, I recognize the value of a dedicated employee, but it is imperative that the employee be sufficiently trained for their position. (I am smart. Make no mistake, one solid day training on a new system program, I would have it nailed). With 20+ years experience in various areas of medical office work, I am more than capable, but I am concerned about the liability of records not being processed correctly and potentially creating a significant issue. (such as the physicians having their asses sued off AGAIN because they missed an extremely abnormal report because nobody knows what the fuck is going on). So, with these concerns, along with others, I resign effective immediately, so as not to waste your time and to allow you to fill the position in a more expedient manner.(with some other chick that can share nipple piercing stories with the rest of the staff, that if they are lucky and put all their knowledge together, would equal one good brain.)

Sincerely,

OHN

ME? You want to know about ME?

2011-04-14T08:55:00.003-04:00

I don't usually do memes but my buddy Deathstar ( http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com/) sent out a challenge and I don't back down from a good challenge. Plus, I am trying to avoid some boring projects.

ABC meme

A. Age: 53 (not sure when I sailed past 32)

B. Bed size: King. I need my space.

C. Chore you dislike: Windows. Even with that windex crap you rig to a hose my windows looks bad. I have 39 windows (plus ones that never get cleaned because they are not reachable) so it is a huge pain in my ass to do windows.

D. Dogs: Two. I have had solos all my life, but once I got a second, I vowed to have two at all times for the rest of my life. Would you want to be the only human in a house of dogs????

E. Essential start to your day: Cold L.ipton green tea, or white raspberry tea. I had a peach S.napple addition that I had to break. Even now when I cruise down the tea aisle in the store I have to tell myself to keep walking past the beloved S. Oh, and I hate coffee. All kinds. (except for the caramel frappé at McD's...but that kills my guts)

F. Favorite color: If its clothes, probably blue, though I don't have any. I wear a lot of black, though don't particularly like it.

G. Gold or silver: I wear both. At the same time. So there fashionistas who say it is a faux pas.

H. Height: I use to be 5'6", now am creeping down to 5'5". Before I die, I suspect I will be 2'4"

I. Instruments you play(ed): Piano lessons x 1 year, organ lessons x 1 year (yeah, still hate my mother for that one..she may as well have tattooed dork on my forehead)

J. Job title: Job seeker.

K. Kids: Yes. Three. That I always wanted and never thought I would have.

L. Live: Midwest, where it is cold more often than not. I crave beaches. The only thing keeping me here is kids. I need to convince them that island living is the way to go.

M. Mom’s name: Can't say. Too unusual and googleable.

N. Nicknames: Punky, Pookie, and sometimes punkypoo.

O. Overnight hospital stays: I don't remember them all, but they all had to do with either trying to get pregnant, trying to stay pregnant or delivering the results of the prior two.

P. Pet peeves: Stupidity. There is no reason, for anyone, to ever be stupid. Also, people that don't wash their hands. Howie Mandel is my hero.

Q. Quote from a movie: "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch"

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. I only have a left hand to balance my body. Other than that, it is useless.

S. Siblings: One. Oy-vey.

T. Time you wake up: 5:50 am during the week. 7:00 am on weekends. Yes, to me that IS sleeping in.

U. Underwear: If I have to leave the house...you know, for that accident my mom always warned me about.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: cruciferous

W.What makes you run late: WAITING FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I am always on-time or early.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Pick a body part. They have all been irradiated.

Y. Yummy food you make: I'm a baker. Love to bake. I make up massive batches of cookie dough, make little balls and freeze them so I can make cookies whenever I want without making a mess. (You're welcome, it IS a great idea.)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Monkeys. I want to sneak in at night and set them all free. I think they are more intelligent than many people I know.

So, there you go.

Newly marrieds??

2011-04-07T07:37:00.003-04:00

You might want to click away. I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to rip that bloom off your rose and tell you that someday, you will realize that your now perfect husband, really never was perfect, and truly does not fart rainbows and unicorns.

I found myself having to take S3 to school this morning (car issues--don't get me started on that) and for most of the ride I was explaining to him (okay, so it was more of a rant) that before he gets married he should go buy and do everything he thinks he will ever want to buy and do..because once he is married you have another person in your life that thinks they are allowed to have an opinion.

As you know over a year ago we started our kitchen re-do. I found the perfect granite in 15 minutes at the granite place. It took BigD over a month to decide that he picked it out and it was perfect. Next came the sink. Then lord-help-me the light fixtures. I found all of them and it took him weeks to decide they were perfect.

When I see something I like, I know it. I don't need to think about it twice. If I do, then it is obvious to me that I must not like it enough.

Which leads me to the kitchen table. Right now, we have our dining room table in the kitchen, and subsequently have an empty dining room. We only use the dining room when we are forced to host holiday feasts, other than that we are kitchen people.

BigD hates our dining room set. It was my grandmothers...and before you can say ewwwww, it must be dated, and old and ugly...it isn't. It is old, but it is hand-carved oak and gorgeous. It is a small set, because people used to be smaller, ya know? So it fits in our kitchen but BigD hates it. Fine, lets get a new kitchen set. Simple huh?

Shit.

I have been looking for months. I keep emailing possible sets to myself and showing them to him. He doesn't like any. He wants metal. Yes, I said metal. We have a tusc.an kitchen, cracked walls, exposed brick, dark granite, dark brownish cast iron sink, cherry cabinets, new black/bronze hardware, black fridge, and yes, the light fixtures are a dark antique bronze (think powdercoat) with warm fluted inverted globes.Trust me, a metal table would not fit the vibe of the kitchen at all. I haven't seen any that aren't too small, or that don't have a glass top. If you knew my crowd, you would know that it would be easier to keep an elephant pen at the zoo cleaner than a glass top table in our kitchen.

Also, I want something that we can put a leaf in when all the boys and their girlfriends/spouses/et. al arrive for a meal. All the sets I see with metal are 4 chairs. So if you do the math, me, BigD and three sons, (not including their upcoming families), someone needs to sit on the floor. (I vote BigD). I found a very pretty set that was a combination of black and cherry (hmmmm, sounds like it would really look great in a kitchen with cherry cabinets and black hardware) and he said "that's not what I had in mind".

I am just so sick of all the crap. He made the statement last year that I had no opinion on the types of plantings he wants to do outside....that's HIS area. Well, fuck you very much.

Before you tell me to just go ahead and get what I want because the kitchen is MY area...note that he still is angry about something that happened (minor) 25 years ago and every chance he gets he brings it up. I am married to a child.

So, I decided this morning I am done. I won't look any more and next year I will be writing a post about BigD finding this lovely cherry and black set that would be perfect. Except by then, they won't be available.

I still swear, being a lesbian is the way to go.....if I didn't have to have sex with women.

Have you ever

2011-03-24T08:56:00.004-04:00

put something in the fridge, something that you ate 1/2 of for dinner the night before, only to get your mouth all prepared for it's greasy goodness for breakfast, and find that some inconsiderate SOB ate it? WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING.

I had it wrapped up, stuck up on the top shelf, and BigD knew it was mine. S3 and I had to make a run to a neighboring town last night and they happen to have a Fi.ve Guys burger place (soooo good and soooo bad for you). Since we don't make this trip often, when we do, we stop and pick up the burgers. I CALLED BigD to see if he wanted one. Nope. Not hungry. That is, until I fell asleep and he snuck his sorry ass down to the kitchen and ate my dinner/breakfast.

Ordinarily anything in the fridge is fair game, but, the fridge at this moment is full of food, (Italian meatloaf, various veggies, au gratin potatoes, various fruits, roasted chicken, ham etc) yet he chose MY 1/2 burger to satisfy his nocturnal munchies. If you are wondering why I only ate 1/2, it's because they are big. Really big. While I could have eaten the whole thing, and even licked the wrapping, I don't want to gain back the tonnage that I have lost.

I called BigD at work and asked him if he was guilty. He said "yeah, I was hungry", then had the nerve to say "remember that leftover donut from a couple of weeks ago, I wanted that and when I went to eat it, it was gone" OHHHH, I get it. One donut from a box of 12 (of which he had already eaten a few) that was put on the counter for anyone to enjoy is exactly the same as eating someones dinner.

OH, and just last week he was telling me how he really wanted to lose weight. He needs to. He is walking heart attack waiting to happen. (don't judge me for having any treats in the house, if I don't, he pouts and whines and gets actually pissed--no, he isn't 12, but at times his age is questionable). Remember, I am NOT his mother. I love sweets. I would probably have convulsions if I didn't have them...often. BUT, I don't eat all of them at once and I buy the least fattening treats I can----with the exception of Fat Tue.sday. Baby, that day, I will eat all the custard filled, chocolate iced poonchkies I can find.

So, I had to settle for a breakfast that was nowhere near as delightful as my grilled onion and mayo cheeseburger would have been. Remember, he said he didn't want a burger. I thought mine was safe. Now I know better. It's war.

Surgery, love and job loss

2011-02-05T16:32:00.006-05:00

S1 had surgery this week. He has been having problems for YEARS with his sinuses and has been telling everyone that he couldn't breathe at all out of his LEFT nostril. **

**This is as far as I got with this post that I started WEEKSago...those of you that know me on Fbook, have heard some of this. I can't believe how long it has been since I have come here and bitched about something.

The story gets much more interesting. To continue......he ended up having a golf ball removed from his RIGHT sinus. Okay, it wasn't really a golf ball, but the whateveritwas was the same size. It took about an hour and a half with teensy little instruments shoved up his nose and into the sinus to remove it. They doctor casually said while S1 was signing the consent, that they are working very closely to the brain and eyes during this procedure and there was always the chance that one of them could be damaged. Nice.

So if you noticed, I said he was having trouble for years with the left side, but the whateveritwas was on the right. Poor kid. The whateveritis took up the ENTIRE sinus cavity so no air was being exchanged there......and on the left side, his airway was as thin as a hair. I can only imagine how smart he would be if his brain had actually been getting oxygen all these years. We then found out that to correct the thin airway they had to break his nose. Lovely.

So, we were a week out...all was good...then the panicked phone call came. He woke up on day 7, rolled over and started gushing blood out of his nose. Now, S1 has a very low panic threshold when it comes to medical things so I didn't panic until I heard his girlfriend in the background talking about the amount of blood. It was obviously time for a trip to the hospital.

They went to the car, but we had an ice storm and the car was frozen. Did you know that panicking when you are bleeding makes you bleed more? Now you do. It became obvious that 9-1-1 needed to be called. They came, transported to podunk general in S1's town. The ER couldn't stop the bleeding so they called the surgeon (40 miles away) to see what they should do. His order was to get him back in the ambulance and bring him to realhospital where the surgery had been done.

Needless to say I was at the hospital before the ambulance arrived. S1 looked like hell when he arrived and my heart rocketed up to my throat. It doesn't matter how old your kid is, he is still your kid. They got him a room and we waited. We waited for him to quit bleeding, then when he did quit bleeding we waited for it to stay quit, or whatever you call it.

He was in for 4 nights. 4 very long nights. Not because of him, he was doing great. His room mate was a drug seeking, loud, demanding SOB. The nurses were so patient with this guy but at one point even they were done with him and told him he was cut off from his drugs. The one drawback, is the only time he was quiet was when he was stoned, so we were in for more obnoxiousness.

So S1 was discharged, and because this had scared the shit out of him, and the surgeon said no work for a week, he came home instead of going to his apartment. I have loved having him here, but this is the part we come to the too much cooking and laundry. You see, his girlfriend is here too. She is wonderful, we have grown to love her, but I have also learned that she really doesn't get the concept of day to day things. She is very smart, but not too bright. Last night she ate late and didn't bother to put the milk, burgers, cheese etc in the fridge before she went to bed. I got up this morning and they were all on the kitchen counter. I have seen a little pattern developing here. Lessons in housekeeping will be given but I will be so slick about it, she won't even know. She will wake up one day and it will all be in her head.

While S1 was recuping at home he asked me how to tell if a diamond is a good one. HUH??? Oh shit, I knew where this was leading. So, we sat and talked about size vs quality vs price, picking it out ahead or asking then letting her pick it, and I really didn't want to say too much. I don't want it to come back and bite me in the ass, so I gave him several answers and told him to pick one. He has to save a bit more (he is a cash and carry kind of guy) but he is ready. SHE IS THE ONE. He is trying to think of a good place/way to ask her....romantic but not uncomfortable...memorable but not over the top.

Thankfully we love her (except for the lack of common sense in the home area) and it will be a good match (I hope). For her birthday we went out to dinner with her dad, brother, and grandparents and had a blast. I am sure the waiter hated us, and the 6 tables surrounding us were hanging on every word BigD and BigE (same line of work so there was a lot of shop talk going on) were saying. I am sure we looked like a motley bunch from I.rish to Afri.can Ameri.can with skin tones from pale as a marshmallow, to dark as the night and none of us stopped talking for a minute. I'm gonna like these people :-)

So, the announcement was made public on Tuesday at work.....doc is closing his office and joining a group. So, where does that leave me you ask?? Who the hell knows. He said we will be offered positions at the (established with full staff) group, but they may or may not be: our same position, our same pay-scale, our same location..blah, blah, blah. So with gas hovering around $3.50 a gallon, none of the satellite offices would make sense unless I would get a significant bump in pay. Since I still have my business (though it is swirling down the proverbial drain with changes in healthcare) I don't want a typical 9-5 M-F job. Not because I think I am too good for that, just because I do have commitments to the remaining clients I have to still complete their work.

In a perfect world I would snag new clients and be able to work from home and only shower when necessary. My second choice would be to sleep with one of the practice partners and take pictures, and tell him that if I didn't get to stay in the local office, with a raise, work M-F but only from 7-12, the wife would get the shots of my glorious self with her cheating SOB husband. Third I could go out and try to find a "real" job, but that's too much work.

The timing of this really couldn't be worse either. I am in the middle of redecorating two bedrooms and am only 1/2 way done. I have to finish because BigD has a big-wig muckety muck coming to town in May and he (and forgodssake, I just found out his wife) will be staying here. If it was just the guy I wouldn't be as stressed. But you all know that we women are judgmental bitches so things really have to look nice or I could be featured on a reality show...a cross between h.oarders and old whiny people. (Big-wig has a relative in that production arena).

So kids....that is a brief update on what is happening at chez OHN. There are many more things I will update, but right now I have to go figure out how to finish two bedrooms with things I find on peoples tree lawns, in the dark, the night before trash day.

The verdict is in

2011-01-26T09:28:00.005-05:00

I have been absent for a good reason. (okay, laziness too)

I received an invitation from my county court system to grace them with my presence and to decide the fate of one of my peers. Not actually a person I know, but a peer in the sense of "jury of his peers" kinda thing.

BigD laughed at me when I excitedly told him. He said no way would I be selected because I am married to one who detects things. BULLSHIT I cried.

So, with my response questionnaire indicating that I did in fact receive their invitation, I also included a note to the judge. (One, who by the way has known BigD for about a zillion years). BigD's reaction when I told him I wrote the letter, well, I wish I had a camera. His face froze in that --oh shit, what did you say--look.

I very respectfully explained that just because I put a check in the box on the form where it asks if we are related to anyone in law enforcement, it certainly DID NOT mean that I was unable to make an intelligent, well informed, decision based on the facts of a case. I could have elaborated and said that I have known many an officer to screw up a report, or evidence or, whatever. I did hold my tongue (or pen, as the case may be).

So, on the reported day I sat in the potential jurors box with 59 strangers and we waited as questions were asked of the initial 8 chosen, then as they were dismissed for various reasons, they started picking from our reserve box. Since this was a civil case, I had a better chance that I would be one of the 8 finalists (I like to think of it as a competition), and I was, and I was elected the queen...I mean the foreperson.

They instruct you not to make any opinions or decisions until ALL of the facts of the case were presented. Okay, now, if you are human, this is probably not possible. What person doesn't check out the defendant, and the plaintiff? We all do. I had a very open mind, but a quick glance at each, showed a stark difference in their appearances, probable educational opportunities completed for each, and mannerisms that seemed to yell out loud. Once each took the stand, these impressions became even more pronounced.

Then a funny thing happened. Each lawyer started talking. The plaintiffs attorney was soft spoken, but passionate. I didn't think I liked him, but by the end decided that if I ever needed a lawyer I would look him up. The defendants attorney was slick. Very well dressed in an expensive suit, handsome, and had it all going on.......until he opened his mouth. He talked down to the jury like we were 4th graders, he kept losing his glasses, repeated the same inconsequential information over and over. Maybe in his experience that is the level of intelligence of juries he has known, but it wasn't the case in our pool. So, while the defendant was a wormish guy with , he had a slick attorney. The plaintiff was a well educated professional woman, with a lawyer that started out being a weenie but we all agreed in deliberations that he was actually a far superior lawyer than the expensive suit.

Lost yet?

So, the case. D (defendant) ran a light, hitting two cars, including the P (plaintiff) who was sitting at a stop light. She stated that the collision (as the attorney kept calling it) caused her considerable back pain, spasms, and had altered her lifestyle. For a year she was unable to pick up her kids and had to spend considerable time in physical therapy, having injections (which were vividly and dramatically described as being ENORMOUS needles injected into the spine, and her insurance didn't cover her medical bills, with a deficit of about $7000. The attorney asked that we consider her loss of life enjoyment and recommended that we find in her favor for about $25,000. He stated this would help her become whole again.

Medical records were produced to show the testing, therapy, medications etc that she endured since the collision. This was interesting because where some in the courtroom were confused or unsure of the terminology and what it all meant, for me, it was like brushing my teeth. None of it was foreign and I explained a few things during deliberations that were stated to us in a manner that would (and did) make a few jurors feel that her injuries were horrendous. Actually, the medical records played a big role in our decision too. She admitted that she had back problems in 2000, but none since. While reviewing her PT records, the therapist (who by the way, had fabulous detailed notes....much better than any physician) mentioned that the patient told her that she had "flares" of her back issues during both of her pregnancies. These actual records were not shown to us, in fact were were told "the plaintiff hadn't seen a doctor since 2000" but she obviously had to see one a few times during pregnancy. Things started to not add up.

The real deal breaker in deliberations though, were the details of the damage to her car. With all of her debilitating issues, and the descriptions of the way her life was altered, we expected that at the least, her car would be a mess. In reality, the only, ONLY damage was a broken driver side mirror. Yep. This life altering accident hadn't even scratched the side of her car, it merely knocked off the mirror. $198 repair.

All of us agreed that while the defendant was a goofy weirdo, and did cause the accident, the accident most likely did not cause of the plaintiffs back pain. She had it in 1998, 2000, had it during two pregnancies (her youngest was 2 at the time of the accident) and could have hurt her back doing something as simple as getting out of a chair. The evidence was simply not here.

We found the defendant was guilty of causing the accident by running the light (at one point he couldn't tell the difference between 10 feet and 75 yards.....yeah, like I said he was goofy), but we didn't award the plaintiff any damages.

So, going into the trial with opening arguments, my first impression was that this was going to be a fairly simple case, and by the end I just hoped that if I were ever a defendant or plaintiff, that the jury was actually awake and paying attention.

Things are not always what they seem. I know people make jokes about jury duty, and lie and connive to get out of reporting, but honestly, I would do it again and again.

I may be screwed...and not the good way

2011-01-02T09:03:00.002-05:00

Firstly...Happy 2011 everyone. I hope it is the best year for you and many wonderful things happen. If not, well find someone to blame.

So, to todays topic. I got ANOTHER email forward from BigD. It's ANOTHER O.bama is the devil/anti'christ/muslim/terrorist...etc. It really hit a nerve. I firmly believe that everyone should be allowed their own beliefs and freedom of speech. I also believe that I don't have to agree.

Let me tell you firstly...I do not think our President is outstanding. I don't think he is satan either. This most recent email questioned something that a very simple g.oogle search would clarify or demolish. I made a decision that will most likely cause marital ramifications as BigD never thinks he is wrong. Ever.

I am on the list of "forwards" that he sends these emails too....a list of hundreds. BigD, because of his career and involvement with several organizations has many email contacts. Most are government type employees, or friends of long-standing. Well......this morning I sorta snapped and hit the dreaded (or cherished) 'reply-all' button and proceeded to very sweetly (taking his feelings well into account) tell him that he needs to quit buying into the rhetoric and chicken-little emails that he receives and forwarding them BEFORE even wondering if they are true.

He is of the thought that if it is written....well hell, it must be true. This drives me insane. He needs to get off the bandwagon and sit down and really think about what he KNOWS, and if he doesn't know, take the time (maybe 2-5 seconds) to do a quick online search to see if what he is forwarding is factual.

So, I typed a sweet reply all, non-confrontational, not degrading (though the snark in me was dying to leap onto the keyboard) and told him that he is a smart man and to check his facts. I then kindly asked him (and the hundreds of people on his email list) to read the following article and give it some thought. So, now I ask you to do the same. I would love to know what you think.

http://ireaderreview.com/2011/01/01/ot-divide-and-conquer-vs-shared-purpose (this blog is also a terrific one to subscribe to for free books for your K.indle---this person sends out an email several times a week with lists of current (many genre) books that are free on A.mazon for a short period of time. I have found some great new authors reading a free book. Yeah, some are duds..but hey..free so I can delete if they don't snag my attention).

Feedback on the article please :-)

Gotten a "practical" gift from hubby? This is magnificent

2010-12-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1543292789?bctid=3130509001

It'll never happen to me.....oh shit

2010-11-30T15:44:00.003-05:00

It did.

All weekend I have been trying to check my checking account balance and the banks site wouldn't let me sign in. I wasn't too surprised because this is the same bank I had issues with earlier,,,,,though this was a website, not the local branch morons.

Yesterday I was busy so I waited until today to call the bank to see what was up.

They had frozen my account.

WHAT???!!!

I always balance to the penny and have about eight hundred bucks in there (wayyy more than normal) so WTF?

The bank rep told me to hold while she transferred me...........to the FRAUD department. If I were an old southern lady, I would have come down with a case of the vapors.

Apparently some lovely individual tried to use my debit card number to buy over $1500 worth of items at R.alph L.auren in London. The London that is in England. On the other side of the ocean. Since I don't have any gaps of time where I have been missing from home, chances are I wasn't the one in London. England. This was on the 19th of November. Today is the 30th. If the bank was suspicious enough to freeze the account, don't you think a quick call or email to me might be in order?? Shitheads.

So I spent the day deleting that card from any auto-pay feature at any online shopping place that I frequent. Pay-pal, A.mazon, etc. Now don't start lecturing me about the hazards of using a debit card online. I know. I preach that to the boys all the time. I will tell you that I do not EVER click on links in emails from anywhere requesting data... even if they tell me it is urgent or my recent purchase will implode-blah-blah-blah....I do not frequent questionable sites, my debit card is never out of my reach, and it has never been lost. I am what they call a "smart" consumer, well aware of phishing, spamming, I know to check the browser before I enter info to make sure it is a secure site and all that crap. So, this leaves me to wonder what happened. Obviously someone snagged my number (along with the 3 digits on the back-which is even worse) to attempt purchasing.

Did I tell you that as well as the $1500 attempt on the 19th, they also attempted to buy a bus ticket...again in London...YESTERDAY. This was only a $51 charge and the bank says that I need to file a dispute form to fight it. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD MY ACCOUNT FROZEN AT THE TIME. When I called the bank today, they said it was "in process". How it was "in process" on a frozen account is beyond me. Double shitheads.

So, no more debiting for me. Which really sucks because it was really nice to be able to use that for my little nonsense items like K.indle books at 99 cents or a fast trip to the store for milk. I don't want to use a credit card for teeny crap like that and I never have cash in my purse. According to my children "nobody" uses real checks any more (and I have actually heard those are more dangerous because they have your routing number and account number, which when used wisely by a savvy thief, could wipe you out. )

The FRAUD lady told me even she has been victimized the same way. Hers was linked back to using a card to pay for a burger....then all hell broke loose. She said people sometimes open a small checking account with a debit card and only keep enough in it that you are willing to lose, and make a deposit when you do want to use it. Yeah. Really convenient lady. So I need to plan ahead if I want to order that awesome pair of gently used crocs on ebay? What if it is Saturday night and the auction is over before Monday morning when I can make a deposit? If I lose out on those purple and yellow striped, form fitted, plasticey substance material shoes .....well, I can't even think about it.

So y'all have been warned.

a few quick things

2010-11-07T09:05:00.003-05:00

I don't have time to elaborate on anything important.

There are a lot of important things happening here.

A week from tomorrow I officially lose my last big client. That means an additional loss of my income by 90%. This does not make a cheerful OHN. Before long, I won't be only-half-nuts....I will be full-blown-nuts. If people in this country knew what was really going on with health care, you would run screaming into the night.

A simple example of one issue......say you have a pesky little breas.t cancer. You see your doctor. He sends you to a surgeon that you aren't sure you like, but, heck, your family doctor sent you there so he must really like him. Yeah....not really.

Most likely your family doctor has a short list to pick from because he is in association with a large medical center, or the same "group". In our area the C.leveland C.linic, U.niversity H.ospitals, or S.umma Care System are the three biggies that are sucking up ALL the doctors. If your doc **belongs** to the Clinic, he isn't going to refer you to U.niversity, even if U has the BEST oncologist for your cancer. Sad and wrong on so many levels.

**yes, I mean belongs, because once you join them, you are on a salary that is commensurate with your numbers of patients seen, surgeries performed, number of referrals to others in your association etc. So, in effect they do own your doctor.

This last account I had was forced to join the Clinic. You are wondering how a physician can be forced?? Simple. If you don't join, and you are a specialist (ortho, uro, gyn etc) your referrals dry up. Specialists rely heavily on physician referrals. So unless they want to just hope for referrals by old patients (" hey Bill...go see Dr. Feelsalotofprostates, he is great") they are screwed. No patients means no practice.

Ironically, my last account...is a wonderful man that HATES the fact that he will now be salaried and told what paintings he is allowed to hang in his office (no, I am NOT kidding, there is actually a list he is to select from that are accepted by his new "boss"). He will be forced to use their internal charting system so OHN is out. I honestly think he feels almost as badly as I do about it.

So, there's that.

S3 got his license this week. Need I say more? He is a great kid, extremely careful, but very very green. I give it till Christmas before I get the call that a portion of my car is deformed in some manner.

S1 told me he is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him. My first question was if she was pregnant. She's not. Apparently her parents are freaking out that she is basically living with him and said they wouldn't mind if she was engaged. I tried to explain to S1 that there needs to be a little bit better reason to get engaged, than getting her mom and dad off her back. S1 will be 22 this week and she is 21. They are wonderful together, and most likely WILL end up together, but sheesh....

S2 is overloaded with school, internship, and work. The whole time he was ranting, I was thinking "yep bud, get used to it...it's called life")

Oh, and it's cold here. 31 as I type this. This means that our gas bills will soon be hovering in the $350 a month range. Not good. I may have to dig out the fishnets, hit up G.oodwill for a miniskirt, and find a profitable corner.

Oh, and two weeks before I found out that the client was going to be gone, we ordered about $3000 worth of replacement doors (entrance and sliders) for our house. (much needed as when we have a blowing snow, we actually get poofs of it in our kitchen, after years and years and years of boys and animal use, and the main entrance door has been slammed so many times it is a miracle it still closes....so while it is crazy timing, it hopefully will at least help with the heat bills) Of course, the opening isn't standard size so we had to special order. ugh.

Well, the complaint list could take all day to write and the title of this was a few quick things. Hey, if nothing else I will have more time to fill up this space. OH that reminds me...the writing gig, it fell through. I checked a little deeper and found out some things that made that little bell ding in my head that said don't do it. So I'm not.

Have a happy day :-)

While women like me.......and many of you....

2010-10-29T12:22:00.003-04:00

have to jump through hoops to get/stay pregnant and/or go through expensive, THOROUGH background checks to adopt. ...all in the desire to be a parent...yet there are no laws, rules, or hell, even nosy neighbors to keep women like this from procreating.

Shit like this makes my head explode. http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/police-pennsylvania-mom-michele-kalina-killed-her-babies-kept-bones-in-closet/19689622

I need your help

2010-10-20T17:56:00.002-04:00

Promise you won't laugh.

I have been asked to write a relationship and advice column for a local paper.

I SAID DON'T LAUGH!

What I need....are questions. Lots of questions. Ask away. You can leave them here in the comment section and I will compile them for my column and when it is first published, I will put a link here for you. The editor is giving me free reign and I get paid on the amount of readership I have. You may remain anonymous.....or make up a fake name...it doesn't matter.

I just need as many questions as possible. (they actually don't HAVE to be about relationships...part of the deal was that I would give advice about anything)

Go ahead. You know you want to know what to do about your annoying Aunt Mildred, or your pain in the ass mother-in-law or nosy neighbor. (nope, this isn't the big new business I have been hinting about.....more on that one later)

What does your mom drive?

2010-10-14T18:49:00.004-04:00

I dropped S3 off at school the other day. This white van was also dropping off a student. As often happens we ended up heading in the same direction for quite some time until we hit a traffic light. A long light. Long enough for me to take out my phone and snap a photo.

So, if this was your moms van.....wouldn't you just be sooo proud?

* * * * * * * * I hope you can click on it and make it bigger. If not it says:

"my inner child is a mean little fucker"

AND

"yes, I am a bitch, so fucking what?"

And no.....just because you have a Marine sticker on the back, doesn't take away the low class effect.

Friday at 5:15

2010-10-10T08:04:00.002-04:00

I was getting ready for a sunny and warm, 70 degree plus,weekend (rare in October where I live).

I came into my office, where my phone was flashing a message light.

It was a cell number that I didn't recognize, but since I am in the middle of being a queen of a fundraiser I suspected it was a disgruntled parent bitching about something I have no control over.

I couldn't have been more wrong, and my weekend has spun out of control since.

I have told you here before that I work with several physicians offices providing them SUPERB service (yeah, tooting my own horn here, but they have actually all told me that)but that times, well they are a-changin, and now they all need to go to EMR by 2014. My fav doc (x10years) had told me that when the time came that he had to be compliant, he wanted me to still provide his service and we would come up with our own version of EMR to be compliant, but where he still didn't have to touch a computer.

At 5:15 on Friday, I get a VOICEMAIL from his office manager. She is delightfully sweet, but on the flake meter, she is a full blown croissant.

She tells me that doc has signed with the C.leve.land C.lin.ic and as of a date soon, very soon, he will have to use their system and will not need my service. She went on to say how wonderful I am, how sorry she is, I have gone above and beyond over the years, blah, blah, blah. All I am hearing is 'you're fired bitch'.

I KNOW these solo guys aren't making any money. They are almost forced at this point to joint a huge institution as an employee to guarantee their own incomes. (Don't even get me started about fucking insurance companies and their wealth of power they have over EVERYONE---need heart surgery? Lets check with a dipshit with NO MEDICAL BACKGROUND on the other end of the phone at the INS co to get approval. Ohhh, she says no, so guess you get to die without surgery.....think I'm exaggerating??? Not much) To files claims, you get 90 days to submit. You do it in 10. They wait 75 to send it back telling you the doc needs to sign on the line below the one where he signed (not kidding here), and by the time you resubmit, the magic 90 day mark has passed and payment is denied. Yes, they do it on purpose. I am convinced for every claim they can deny, they get a bonus.

See I told you not to get me started.

So as of a fast approaching date, I will no longer be clearing $1000 a month from that account. That added to the big client that I lost 2 years ago,(another $1500 or so) well, lets just say I may have to find some hot pants, fishnets and a corner soon.

I still cannot believe she left me this news in a voicemail on a Friday, after office hours. (though, croissant remember?)I am not angry. Not in the least. He needs to do what he needs to do. Now that the C.Clinic has bought up everything in my area, he wouldn't get referrals if he didn't join. Being a specialist, he lives on referrals. He is a great guy. I will and have sent family to him, and will continue to do so.

So my lovelies...I am in need of reinvention again. I started my last business with a thought and some determination and I will do it again. I have had an idea brewing for over a year to fill a niche that hasn't been filled and I KNOW it would be a go, but it will cost a few bucks to get started (lawyer fees for the 'we are not responsible' clauses, brochures, postage, calls--LOTS of calls, and website building etc) and I am not sure that when I am facing losing my income (though $30,000 a year it isn't huge to lots of you, it DOES make a big difference as none of our income is disposable....I even think twice before I call for a pizza delivery...I keep very close tabs on income and outgo).....so spending money, not knowing how quickly there would be income, is scary.

When I started my last company I had that feeling in my gut that it would fly. I have it again, and I am even more passionate about the concept of this one, as it will be life changing for so many people.

But, this weekend I am still too stunned to really jump into something. I can't really think very clearly. Right now I am worried about house payments (property taxes, etc), car insurance, utilities (house heat in Ohi.o is crazy from Nov-April and we have a big ass house), and all the other costs in a normal life. BigD is a pu.blic serv.ant remember? His income is equal with mid-west pu.blic serv.ant pay, which means it's okay, but not enough.

(I do still have the part-time job in the one docs office a couple mornings a week and will talk to them tomorrow about his upcoming merger (again, solo so he needs to do something) and be certain that I am still included when the merger happens....I have been told I am....so if I am not, well, the next few posts probably won't be very pretty.

Can you be friends with someone you haven't met?

2010-09-30T18:58:00.003-04:00

If you had asked me that a few years ago, I would have looked at you like you had three legs and told you OF COURSE NOT.

Now, I find myself realizing that in fact I was an idiot a few years ago and the correct answer is OF COURSE STUPID.

Through this teensy weensy little blog I have "met" some really great people. Not great in the sense that they have ended any wars, but great in the sense that if we met for lunch, we could talk and laugh, or bitch and cry, for hours.

I found out today that one of those friends found out she has cancer. Malignant Melanoma. I know many people think "oh, it's JUST skin cancer". Your skin is your body's biggest organ.

I know she is afraid. She has a husband and two adorable kids. Who wouldn't be scared? The worst part of all>>>>>even though I am certain she will be fine, she will still need treatment and she has no insurance. For a while now she has been unemployed. Where she lives there really aren't too many choices for her. (husband having insurance isn't an option)

She is part of "America's uninsured" that everyone talks about, but if you have insurance you really don't give it much thought. I have been thinking about that, and her, all day.

I am not too worried about her recovering from the medical aspect, but the cost of her care...ouch.

So, yes, you can be friends with strangers. It isn't odd at all.

If she was a PITA then, she most likely still is one.

2010-09-18T09:01:00.003-04:00

Many moons ago, when S1 and S2 were in pre-school I was on the Board of Directors. Yeah...it was a REALLY important position. We made life and death decisions about whether we should allow juice boxes or not, how to make sure that none of the children brought a hidden token from home (those extremely taunting matchbox cars in pockets, or an especially beautiful hair clip, snuck from home )...you know, life altering decisions.

There was one mom that took her role in this leadership so seriously that there were meetings that she would be shaking by the end. It drove her crazy if anyone strayed off topic--ever so slightly--with a funny anecdote or a suggestion of change. This woman didn't just want to volunteer, she wanted to be the only one with an idea...one that would be implemented EXACTLY to her plan.

She drove us all a little nuts. This was pre-school, not Harvard.

Fast forward to last week. I was asked for some ideas for fund-raising for S3's sporting team, by some of the women that had been involved for a couple of years and they were tired of the same old same old same old ideas.

Of course, when they asked me, they did it in the perfect way, by flattering me. Yep. It really works. They told me I was smart, efficient, talented (yeah, they went a little overboard there) and wanted some fresh input.

I came up with an idea that was met with absolute glee, as it had never been done before, would make good money, quickly, and with little parental involvement (I believe the ones needing the money for the pay*to*play and equipment, ie: the players, need to pony up the effort to have their needs met.) So, all was sailing along. I agreed to do ALL the contacting, calling, organizing etc...so they were also thrilled that they could focus on some other things.

After sending out a mass email to all concerned at the school, athletic department, parents etc, I sat back waiting for the responses. Still feeling a bit like a loser from Middle School, I waited for the onslaught of "what a stupid idea" and "where the hell did you come up with that one" comments. Surprisingly, it was met with enthusiastic response.

Except for one parent. Guess who?

The pre-school nightmare mom. Her youngest son also plays the same sport. Her email contained NO salutation, no signature (her name is her email so I know from whence is came), just a brief string of words with no punctuation between......telling me that this idea just wouldn't work.

(She also adores Palin....thinks she is a genius..dear God). It was the best laugh I had all week. Out of 45 emails, hers was the only one that was negative. Truthfully....I think she was probably crazed that it wasn't HER idea :)

Keep your eyes open for her in your playgroup, pre-school, grade school etc. There is one of her everywhere. I think they spawn during the predawn hours and have clandestine meetings to determine who is going to infiltrate which organization. We can't let them take over.

It's gonna be a fun school year.

Oh, and for those of you that were concerned about the state of my marriage. Thank you. BigD goes through these funks and it rarely has anything to actually do with ME. I just take it all personally. He did agree to let me schedule a complete physical for him. Now I need to figure out how to talk to the doc first and tell him to prescribe some better antidepressants. I know how much BigD loves me. He shows it (yes, even in public--but not over the top gross ways) and tells me. He says I am "the glue that holds us all together". He is at a funny time in his life too. We girls have menopause, and men have it too. Nobody can ever convince me otherwise. He would love to retire but can't. Would love to be working somewhere else, but can't (long story for later), and feels very overwhelmed with all things related to home maintainance.

He has always had ENORMOUS pride in his "showplace" of our home. (Yeah, drives me nuts that he really feels the MUST have "the best" looking yard, house, etc etc...comes from his parents that were perfectionists to the max and also a bit of an insecurity complex on BigD's part that he wanted people to see how well he was doing) We have a huge yard with many islands, and "feature" areas. IT IS TOO MUCH WORK! I have been telling him for years he needs to scale back the "show". Finally...he has agreed. We are pulling in all the islands to a more manageable size--mulch alone was costing a whole paycheck--and making some adjustments to ease the amount of outside work that needs to be done. As the boys are getting older and actually moving out, he sees the writing on the wall. No way will he be able to maintain this on his own, and the little Mrs here....I have NO time to be farting around outside because the house is big too and I have more than enough to do already. (Most of the neighbors have landscapers, cleaning ladies etc. We have off and on had some help but part of BigD's pride is that he needed to do all the stuff himself--a proof of sorts--that he was worthy or some other kind of macho BS.)

Anyway...things are status quo for now. Thanks for your concern :)

Things are sucky..or is it suckie?

2010-08-28T09:22:00.003-04:00

I have been absent here for quite some time. Along with being busy things have just been sucky/suckie at chez OHN for a bit.

To be honest, I really don't know what is going on. I am sure there is a component of unsettledness (yes, it is a new word that I will petition Webster to add)to my emotional state with S1 and S2 both being basically gone and on their own for real this time. S1 is working and finishing up his degree a couple of classes at a time. When the job was offered, it was a stepping stone to what he really wants to do, so he would have been nuts to turn it down.

S2 is transferring schools to have a shot at getting into a co-op program for an amazing opportunity. The agency he is aiming for only hires every 5-8 years and there are 5x as many applicants as there are positions. This acceptance into the co-op guarantees you a spot after graduation (provided you don't turn out to be a terr.orist, or some other unswarthy creature). He met the 3 BIG GUYS in charge for this area of the country and they all were courting him. They loved what they saw in him and he has been on cloud 9.

So, obviously they are doing well....so why am I in such a funk?

I will tell you. BigD has been a shithead to me for about a month now. No matter the question I ask, even simple like..."do you want me to fix something to eat?"...is met with a growl and a snappy answer. I tell you, it is getting REALLY old.

We had a period in our marriage 12 years ago that we almost split. Nobody knows. At that time he said he just wasn't happy, (and there was some other crap too involving sharing his feelings with a female friend...feelings he should have been sharing with me~~that is a post I have yet to write, but think I will because it is an important topic). We were able to work things out, but ever since then I haven't felt quite the same about him. There is always that lingering hurt and anger. Do I love him? Yeah, I do. Does he love me? Yeah, he does. But I also don't know how long I am willing to tolerate being treated like my presence is an annoyance. When I try to ask him about it, he gets irritated (just like asking about dinner)then 2 hours later he is telling me he loves me. I have whiplash people.

His father, near the end of his life, treated his wife (bigD's mom) like this too. I always vowed that I would never allow myself to be on the receiving end of gruff, grunted answers.

I am not old. Okay, compared to some of you I am VERY old, but I am not to the point in my life where I can look ahead and see the next 20-30+ years being an appendage rather than a partner.

He says "nothing" when I ask what is going on. He says he is tired, stressed etc....this is a man that loves to laugh and lately isn't seeing joy in very much. I even made a couple of doctor appointments for him. He has been on a very mild anti.depressant for years and I don't think it is effective any more. I am tempted to spike his water with a high dose.

This whole grumpy attitude is apparent to more than just me. The boys have all asked, in some form, "what the hell is dad's problem?" So, it isn't just me. In fact I had to convince S2 not to come to my defense. (the two of them are very alike, strong willed, thick skulled etc). He told me he can't promise that the next time he is here, if his dad snaps at me, that he won't come unglued and tell his dad to knock it off. I really don't want my 20 year old fighting for my honor. It doesn't sit well with me.

So, that is the main reason I haven't been here. The funks. I am going to try to get BigD alone at some point today or tomorrow (that's another issue, I refuse to talk to him about anything that will spark a loud conversation when S3 is home. He is a really sensitive kid and his world as a high school sop.homore doesn't need to be rocked. He loves us both and it is really hard on him even when voices are raised about minor things, let alone marital crap) Honestly...it is quite possible that as soon as I finish posting this, BigD will come down and be delightful. It is the see-saw effect. I never know which guy is going to walk through the door, and it is sucky...or is it suckie?

phone companies

2010-07-24T13:46:00.010-04:00

An open letter to the scum sucking, bottom feeders that are cell phone companies.

Dear Sirs:

(I use the salutation loosely, as the correct salutation should more likely be Dear Shitheads).

I would like to commend you on your use of deceit and coercion in obtaining and constraining consumers. Your well trained personnel can successfully speak out of both sides of their mouths and look people in the eye while doing so.

Well done!

Also, I think it is brilliant that you know you have your grip on us by those tiny little hairs on the backs of our necks. We are helpless without our cells, and you know it. Kudos. Really, does anyone not have one? I have seen people that spend their nights perusing dumpsters, that have at the very least, a disposable cell in their pocket. (Might be “borrowed” from a nice couple that happened to be walking down a dark street one night, might be the one his dealer gave him to let him know when he could score…..not sure on either scenario, but I am sure you get my point). Many of us actually use our phones to earn a living….the very thing that enables us to send you enormous amounts of money each month.

So, it doesn’t surprise me, with your vast knowledge of society’s needs, that you are able to get away with charging loyal customers of 8-10 years duration, with a “small activation fee” so we can use the new phone we HAD to get because the one we got last year doesn’t work any longer. I am sure it is a freakish coincidence that most cell phones purchased in the last 5 years, last about as long as a solid relationship with a hooker. Ironically, stuffed in the back of a drawer, long forgotten, was a phone that was put to rest years ago, in favor of a cooler, more snazzy model. I dug it out, dusted it off, and lo and behold after a little bit of cuddle time with a charger….it hummed like one of Tiger’s dates.

So back to this “small” activation fee. Is my $18 (per phone) going to help your company? No, not really. But given the fact that (approximately) 1.2 billion cell phones were sold in 2009, (you can thank CNN, as they did the leg work for me), that is a tidy little profit for all of you. You go dudes!

Do you want a minute to add that up? Never mind, I have a calculator right here. Let’s see…….oh my! My calculator doesn’t have enough space for all those numbers! I did hear today that the little fee is what you use to pay your employees that don't work on commission. Can I have a job?

So, as you sit on your gilded thrones, having your neck massaged by someone who can’t afford one of your phones, please know that it is with great humility that I salute you. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that your company was run by the same people that give out loans to people with gambling addictions, then later “collect” your loan with interest that may or may not include a body part.

My only pleasure in all of this, is that a kind person gave me the heads up to completely avoid your stores, and do my phone buying at my local Best Buy. Guess what??? They sell YOUR phones cheaper than you do. Yep. Not only that, their equipment protection plan covers A.N.Y. problem. Drive over your phone? Covered. Drop it in the toilet? Covered. NO DEDUCTIBLE either. Sure beats the hell out of your “plan” that covers “some” problems, AFTER we pay you a $100 deductible to replace our phone with a refurb that will have its own set of problems. The kind people at Best Buy don’t work on commission either, so they actually tell you the truth. I KNOW…unheard of huh? OH…and better yet, those annoying rebates you offer us to suck us in, the ones we wait 6 weeks to get back??? Best Buy gives us the rebate price up front. Nothing to mail in. No, I don’t work for Best Buy, nor are the paying me anything to tell you about them. I just really appreciate their way of doing business.

So phone company, I only need to deal with you when I pay my bill each month. Thankfully, I can do that online and don’t have to talk to you liars and thieves.

Hugs,

The OHN family

BEACH BITCHING

2010-07-08T10:46:00.002-04:00

When to quit wearing a bikini?

When your c-section scars sit above your bikini line….move to a one piece

When your stretch marks can be seen from Google satellite….move to a one piece

When your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs…move to a one piece

When a tent wouldn’t be big enough to cover your ass….move to a one piece

When your nipples line up with your belly button….move to a one piece

When you try on the bikini you wore in high school, but you graduated from high school in 1965, and you think the bikini looks good….move to a one piece AND buy a new mirror.

Beach etiquette.

When I drag my ass out of bed at 7 in the morning, to take three umbrellas, and 5 chairs to the beach to claim a spot (common-expected occurrence here) DO NOT come down 15 minutes later, when I am back changing into my non—bikini swimwear, and plunk your fat ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY umbrellas and chairs. There are about 100 miles of coastline here, move to your left about 12 fucking feet.

I do not want to gaze at the back of your fat neck. I put my chairs where I did to enjoy the view of the water, not your ginormous head.

I do thank you though for not wearing a speedo. The board shorts are a welcome relief, I just wish that they weren’t sitting so low that there is a distinct possibility that your manhood could slip out. But, then again, with the size of your overhang, I am sure that horrific view would be obstructed. Oh, and take a break from the food bag..huh? Yes, bringing snacks to the beach is perfectly fine, but eating for 2 hours straight, is probably the reason that you can’t see your feet. I have seen women walking in the hospital to give birth that have had a belly ½ the size of yours. No, I am not exaggerating.

Stay tuned for more beach bitching. (Though I am reserving the right to bitch, I am having a wonderful time and wish you were here. Really. Because then YOU could run the sweeper, cook, do laundry and all the other shit that for some godforsaken reason, everyone seems to think that I need to do because I own a uterus~~they are sadly mistaken.)

I've been busy OKAY??

2010-06-24T14:56:00.003-04:00

I know, I know. I even lost a reader. So...here is what I have been up to.

I have lost 32 lbs.

(I will take a short pause while you give me a well deserved standing O)

How you ask? Finally coming to the conclusion that I was really really fat and all of my clothes were too tight, and I was eyeballing the next size up. I had to make a decision and realized that I really was miserable (if you are over your ideal weight but are happy, that's great, this isn't a slam to you....I did this for ME, because I was miserable).

So I worked out a plan for myself and I'll be damned....it worked. Most importantly, I feel so much better. I am off a blood pressure med, not groaning when I move from the chair to the refrigerator (yes, I still do frequent the fridge, I just eat 1/2 of my normal portion) and my pants are no longer tight. In fact, I need to get some new ones a couple of sizes smaller. One thing I really NEED to do, is REMOVE my bigger sizes from my house. If they are in my closet, I will always think that I can wear them if I "need" to. My next step is to buy one new item with each paycheck and put one previously worn item in the donation pile. You may not need to do this, but I know myself and I do need to do this.

Okay...next on the menu.

I have been wanting to post this for quite some time, and have re-composed it 10 different ways, but now can't find my draft, so I am gonna wing-it.

If you remember, at the beginning of the year (New Years to be precise) we had a huge issue with S1 being out of control. He was so drunk that BigD had to rescue him from himself, threw the cuffs on him and brought him home. That was also the same week I found out that the skin thingy I had was more than a thingy, that it was cancer. The night BigD brought S1 home he told him during the ride and it totally blew away the kid. I think that was his defining moment....the one where you suddenly realize that your parents won't always be here.

So, that was in January. The first week of March, a family friend was told by one of his friends that he was looking for a young person to work for his new, expanding company. The kid had to be smart (remember S1=freakishly brilliant), honest and willing to work. Without knowing that we had undergone any of the crap in January, this family friend recommended S1 to this corporate wheeler-dealer. S1 had an interview and in mid March accepted a position with the company (full time) while still going to school (full time). To say he was stressed would be an enormous understatement. I was very very worried that he wouldn't be able to handle all the pressure.

Never underestimate the power of happiness when something clicks. S1 not only DID NOT crumble, he flew. He finished the semester with a 3.2, while learning an entirely new career that has nothing to do with his major. Was he tired? Oh yeah. But he wanted this. He knows the windows and doors it can open for him. (I can't tell you the company or get into specifics, I will just say is has to do with Hom.eland Se.curity, cyber crap and assorted other things).

In the meantime......remember the girl that he was crazy about? The one that he has been a "friend" to while she would cry about all the guys that were so rotten to her? The girl that he liked so much that he told me that he told her that he could no longer be her friend, because he liked her in the 'other' way, and not just as a friend. He wanted more. For a few weeks they didn't talk. He was cranky, short tempered and missed her, but he had to cut it clean to move on, and maybe meet someone.

Well, after those couple of weeks she called telling him that she really missed their talks. They met for ice-cream and slowly have become the couple that S1 wanted to be all along. She has been here almost every weekend with him. The best way to explain how I feel about it is that I like the way S1 is when she is around. He is happy, natural (no male chest pounding or bravado) and he laughs.

I think the girl (now to be known as S1GF for S1's girlfriend) is delightful. She is smart (4.4 GPA), funny, has a ton of common sense (not always found in terribly bright people by the way), and the best part......she thinks I am amazing :). Yep....S1 was teasing me about putting me in a home for old people, she smacked him and said if she had anything to say about it, I would never be put in a home. I think I love this girl.

Where it will go is anyone's guess, but for the happiness of my son and the peace she brings him, I hope it goes where he wants it to, wherever that may be. They have run into some interesting issues because of the fact that they are a biracial couple. It amazes me that in 2010 that is still an issue for some people. My own family for instance.

Remember my brother? Yeah. He's still an ass. I had to tell him about S1GF because when he shows up here this summer it would be very likely that he would walk in and say something REALLY stupid and then we would have to kill him, and then I would have to have the carpets cleaned again.

When I told him, his response.....priceless. "What? They run out of white girls in Ohio?". I hung up on him. Yes. I really did. He is such a tasteless moron. It defies me that we have any genetic material in common.

Honestly, when I told S1GF about him and the fact that he will undoubtedly say something obnoxious, she laughed and said "bring it on". Did I mention that I love this girl? Though she did say it wouldn't be fair for her to fight with him as she would be trying to match wits with an unarmed man. So true. So true.

In the middle of all of this life crap, I also had my kitchen redone. Ripped out the old crappy counters (almost 20 years worth of cooking done there) and had some gorgeous granite installed. Photos will come when I get a chance.

So do you forgive me for not being around for a bit? If you find out who the person was that dropped me from their reader list, let them know I am back. I hate feeling unloved.

I have plenty more topics to cover so y'all come back soon.

Ohh yes. Yes I did.

2010-05-27T19:54:00.003-04:00

I ran into an old friend at the grocery store earlier this evening. We both were at the service counter waiting to buy some stamps.

We were getting caught up, and when we were finished with our purchases, we moved over about 8 inches so we weren't blocking the counter.

She has just started selling real estate and I asked her how it was going. She told me that she actually showed the house next door to me, but the potential buyers felt that for the price point, it should be in perfect condition and it needs some paint and carpet (this is the house where we dog sat a few months back and the sweet pup was so distraught over his family being gone he had DIARRHEA all over the place. S3 was gagging and couldn't clean it up, so I did. It was disgusting.) Anyway, without giving you an exact asking price, lets just say it is what would be considered a home that an executive would buy. She also told me that it is a divorce situation....which didn't surprise me at all. Frankly the guy is kind of a toad. He never speaks unless he is at the door asking for our ladder. Zippo on personality, and frankly, S2 and I both think he is a pedop.hile He just gives us the creeps. (Yes, weirdos even live in expensive neighborhoods. Sadly at their asking price it could be years before they sell.)

So, she asked me what the guy did for a living. I told her where he worked and she queried how on earth he could afford that home (his position is more one of community service type job than actual employment). I told her that his wife is VP of a huge national corporation, and she was the one with the bucks.

She then surmised that the reason he hasn't done any interior sprucing is that he really doesn't want to sell because he will probably be moving to a less desirable area. I told her it was because he is a lazy slob.

Guess who was standing behind me at the service counter. Yep. Lazy slob.

Yes folks. This crazy shit happens to me all the time. I almost choked trying not to laugh. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, as he was LITERALLY 8 inches from me. If he had farted I would have felt it. When my friend saw me with the OH SHIT look on my face, and in fact I actually uttered those words, she instantly knew. We walked away practically hyperventilating.

When we were a safe distance away I asked her how long he had been standing there (my back was to him) and she had no idea. Believe me, with me telling her where he worked and in the next breath telling her where the wife worked......I can guarantee you there are no other people in our town with those EXACT jobs. He not only knew I was talking about him, but that I figured out he is a lazy slob.

I came home and told BigD, S2 and S3 what happened and we were all laughing so hard we were crying. Truth be told, when we saw the Realtor sign go up in the yard the OHN household did a little happy dance. I am betting he won't miss us either :)

I need opinions...seriously. This is long and involved but I need help.**update

2010-04-28T13:53:00.006-04:00

I have a dilemma and sincerely would appreciate input from any of you reading this.

I need to decide if my attending a funeral would help or hurt.

Here is the back story. A few years ago one of my employees became more than an employee, she became a friend. She was going through a messy divorce from her (executive) alcoholic husband. She spent many hours telling me about their situation and told me time and time again how much she appreciated my friendship and allowing her to vent. This mess went on for a couple of years.

After her husband moved out of their beautiful new home, she was just starting to settle in, as a soon to be single parent to her kids. The youngest was 2. One day, the ex called her at work (she is a Nur.se Prac.titioner with her own patient base) and he threatened to kill himself. She called his parents and they arrived at the home, to find that he had in fact hung himself in the garage. (he had been told that day by his superior, that he needed to get his shit together, get treatment or his job would be eliminated....he was an executive for a local company)

At the time BigD was working a shift at our local hospital. When he arrived and saw this mans name as a DOA, he called me, knowing that I would want to help my friend. It was time for the kids to arrive home from school, and the house was being treated as a crime scene and BigD was very worried that the kids would come home to that.

I immediately called my friend, and asked if she wanted me to come over and snag up the kids or anything. After a minute, she asked "how did you hear?". I told her BigD was at the hospital and he had called concerned for the children. Her mother was on the way to intercept the kids so my help wasn't needed at that time.

Because BigD heard about the death while he was working at the hospital, and because he called me (even though it was not gossip, but sincere concern for the kids), the deceased man's parents went ballistic, and my friend wasn't too thrilled either. They were fearful that word would get out that their son/husband had committed suicide. (keep in mind, this is a fairly small community and you can't fart without your neighbor knowing). Anyhow, one thing led to another and the victims parents, and my friend, demanded that the hospital fire BigD as he had violated H.IPAA by calling me with the "news". BigD tried to explain that once a suicide call goes out over the p.olice radio, it is public knowledge, hence H.IPAA wasn't violated, but the hospital feared a lawsuit so they told BigD they were very sorry but that he was out. Since it was just an "off-d.uty" job, it really wasn't a huge deal to us, but it made us sad that he was let go, for trying to do the right thing at the time. This all transpired about 3 years ago. The friend had to quit working part-time for me and concentrate on building her own client base, as the s.uicide left her without any life/health insurance etc.

This morning, BigD called me to tell me that my friends 16 year old daughter and 13 year old son were in a horrific car accident going to school. The daughter was killed and the son, most likely, will not survive.

I am absolutely sick for this mom. I simply cannot imagine the devastating news she got this morning. I can't think about anything else.

The thing I need help with is deciding if it would be appropriate for me to attend calling hours or the funeral. She and I never argued, but it was made pretty clear that she was upset that I knew about her husbands death before it became public knowledge. Now, she has lost her daughter. I certainly don't want to upset her more, if my being there will remind her of her ex's situation. But I also feel that she is going to need to see that people care.

Please let me know your honest opinion. Feel free to pose this to your own friends and see if they have an opinion. I am really stuck on this one.

**I just got a call that the 13 year old boy died this morning at 8:57. His mother signed organ donation papers. So many people will have their lives begin again today, as this boys life ends. I cannot imagine the devastating grief of this mom.

I know, I KNOW!

2010-04-05T20:12:00.003-04:00

I have been conspicuously absent from here. Not to worry. I am still kicking and have several snarky posts in my head. But, right now, I need to write a quick letter to the girl that was in my family room last night.

Dear girl whose name I can't remember:

I see you sitting on my couch, gazing adoringly at my almost 20 year old son, and know what you are thinking. You are picturing your wedding day. You probably have your bridesmaids picked out. I hate to burst your bubble, but my son has never mentioned your name before, consequently, I would hold off ordering your gown for the big day. Chances are he went back to school today and he will probably text you, or send you f.acebook messages, but trust me, you aren't "the one". I am pretty sure I would know your name if you were.

P.S. It was pretty awkward when I walked in the room (the room that has no wall between it and the kitchen) and saw you rubbing my sons thigh. Please don't do that again. And if you have to do that, please at least STOP or look embarrassed, not look like you are ready to rip off his/your clothes.

Sincerely,

Not your future mother-in-law.

The giveaway winner is.........

2010-03-14T09:47:00.002-04:00

Tina! from http://www.littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com

So, you know why.....the panel consisted of several males. The fact that Tina actually PLANNED on putting out, well, that made her a clear winner in their eyes.

So, I guess the floosy wins :)

Tina...send me your address again. I probably have it somewhere, on some device, but I am too lazy to look.

Awards and such

2010-03-05T11:50:00.011-05:00

Over the last couple of months that my life has revolved around the chaos that it has been, I have been very lax in thanking the lovelies that have bestowed upon me glorious awards. So, without further adieu I would like to thank Preppy Player http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com and my friend DD http://knockuout.wordpress.com for the new little decorations on the side of my blog.
But, these things don't come for free. Nope. I have to dig deep into my soul and bare it for all of you. So, first I will tackle Preppys:
The Rules: 1. List 10 things that make you happy. (and grateful)
2. Top 10 bloggers that brighten your day. (like the sun coming thru the clouds)
10 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. S1.

2. S2.

3. S3. (okay...so taking a spot for each kid....that's a cheating a little bit, but they each make me happy with all their individual idiosyncrasies, ideas, thoughts, mannerisms, and on and on....besides it is my list so I can use up as many spots as I want for whatever-deal with it).

4. My animals. Well, pretty much all animals. They fascinate me and at the same time, they make me into "the weird lady down the street that talks to the animals". I have been known to talk to other families dogs when they are pooping in my yard. Usually is is something along the lines of 'GO SHIT IN YOUR OWN YARD...YOUR PEOPLE ARE INCONSIDERATE AND STUPID'.

5. Funny television. Right now I am hooked on Psych. It is one of those shows that if you don't really pay attention to the dialog and delivery, you miss a lot. Funny funny show.

6. Smart people. I love to be surrounded by smart people. People that don't have a clue, well, just walk on by, because you give me a sore neck from all the head shaking I have to do.

7. My DVR. Next to the discovery of knowledge that you can make cocoa beans into chocolate, the DVR is the best invention ever. Commercials turn my brain to mush.
8. Making people smile. I take it as a personal challenge when I am somewhere and the clerk/receptionist/whatever is a grumpy nasty person. I engage them in a conversation and am nauseatingly sweet and refuse to walk away till they at least crack the teeniest of smiles. It is a gottcha moment for me. Kinda like a notch on the bedpost.
9. Food. Oh dear god I love food.
10. Being on the beach. There really aren't too many things that are better than having my ass on the beach, reading a good book, watching my "adult" children play in the water, check out girls, tell awful disgusting jokes and just be with me. I know that before long they will have wives and kids and lives. I have to cherish the moments now.

10 1/2. Big D. He is like the saying my mom used to say "when he is good, he is very very good...when he is bad, he is horrid" (this was actually part of a rhyme about a girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead). This May we will have been married 29 years, so, lots of ups and downs are inevitable, but most of the time, he is my rock.

10 Bloggers That Make Me Smile: (I will preface this list by saying there are WAY more than 10, but I am only allowed to name 10 and some of them are private, so...here they are:
1.Eden http://edenriley.blogspot.com
2. Patty http://preppyplayer.blogspot.com
3. Jerry http://monologuewriter.blogspot.com
4. Tina http://littlepieceoftexas2.blogspot.com

5. Lorrie http://ournameisblog.blogspot.com
6. Thystle http://www.missthystle.com
7. Deathstar http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com
8. Cranky http://crankylitprof.wordpress.com

9. Kat http://www.mamakatslosinit.com

10. Ina http://ina-offret.blogspot.com
Be sure, these are not even close to all of the ones I peruse and laugh with, provoke thoughts, have great ideas, photos, locations, etc., but these are the ones that popped into my empty morning head.
Now, on to DD's. Hers involves me revealing 7 things about myself. While most people don't like memes....I love to talk about myself (in fact I think that meme should be called memememememememe, cuz they are all about me).

1. I am a fanatic about animals. When I see someone that I don't think is a good dog/cat owner, in my head, I secretly plot a way to get the animal a better home.
2. I have a huge issue with a busy mind. Even when I don't want to be thinking about something, it never shuts down. It flings from one thing to the next and in the length of time it takes to fill a glass of water, I will typically have had at least 10 thoughts/ideas/memories/CONVERSATIONS (yes, I have conversations in my OWN head with how people (mostly BigD) is going to respond to any comment I make. It can be exhausting. I have been told by friends that I most likely have A.D.D. though, I am able to completely focus when I am reading a good book. All the noise in my head goes away.

3.If it contains chocolate, I will most likely eat it.

4.I have recently been friend-ed on Fbook by a few high school acquaintances and am completely shocked that each one has told me that they remember me as very nice and kind to everyone. My memories of high school lean more toward the fact that I was terrified almost every day (not a safety issue...it was a private girls school, with a graduating class of 83 girls...and really, when we are all stuck wearing uniforms, how scary could it have been???).....I was the most insecure, quiet, daydreamer ever.

5.Though I love animals, I never owned a cat until I was 42. I bought into all the "they are sneaky" "they are loners", "they make the house smell".....then S1 rescued a starving kitty from a tree, brought him home and I realized all those people that were telling me that stuff are full of shit. Ours is sweet, loving, 'talks' to us on an hourly basis, DOES NOT jump on counters, cuddles with the dogs, and HATES to have a used litter box. Consequently, I clean it every morning and every night, and when people come over, unless he comes out to say hi, they have no idea a kitty owns this house.

6. I was engaged TWICE before I met BigD. (see, I told you I was insecure. I figured if I didn't say yes when asked, they would disappear and I would be a haggard old spinster). One of them had the life long goal of being promoted to the dayshift at the plant so he could hang with his buddies at the pool hall at night. Wonder why I let this one go. The other one. Wow, that should actually be a post in itself. In a nutshell, we met, he was 13 years old than me, I thought he was so cosmopolitan. He had been married 3 times before (that should have been a teeny hint to me, but, nah, I thought it was all the wives fault) Turns out, the whole time we were engaged, he was engaged to someone else. We had an argument one Sunday morning, he didn't call later and I was starting to think that maybe we should wait to get married. Fast forward 6 weeks. I get a letter in the mail from HIS WIFE, with a copy of their wedding announcement, including a photo, that was published in the paper. Yes people, he was engaged to both of us at the same time. Let's just say, I really dodged a bullet on that one. (Years after, I found out he had lied to me over and over and over again when we were together.....one of his wives was actually in the J.ohn B.elushi drug circle when he died, this guy who had told me he really wanted to have kids with me----had had a vas.ectomy and had 2 daughters already.....and those are just two of the highlights of his lies. The only thing he ever told me that was true was that I was too good for him. I shoulda listened sooner!

7.I am really scared to die. Not the actual dying part. The part where I won't be here. I don't want to miss out on things. I don't want my boys to have the kind of pain I had when my own mom died. I am insecure about the afterlife. Is there really a place I go when I am done here? I would like to have proof. I am not big on "really, just believe me" scenarios. Also, the whole "I'll be watching over you" thing......kinda creepy.
Now I need to get 7 of you to give up the goods. I am not going to pick you, because I don't want you pissed at me (yeah, those damn insecurities again) but if you would be so kind, we would all like to know more about you. Really. Seriously. After I just bared my soul, it is the least you could do.

FIRST EVER OHN GIVEAWAY!!!

2010-03-02T15:54:00.003-05:00

MUK-LUKS So here's the deal. I ordered these, and they are not my size. If I were to pay to ship them back, my refund wouldn't even cover my shipping, sooooooo, I decided to let my impulse buy, be your gain.

They have never been worn, still have tags, are size X-large (I wear a behemoth size 9.5 woman's shoe and they are too big--though would be great if I wore big woolly socks too, which would probably cause my feet to get that sweaty, shriveled, wrinkly feeling that DRIVES ME CRAZY!)

These are unisex, so guys or girls can wear them. Let me tell you, they are very very warm.They are green fleece/flannel lined and you can roll down the top for a cuff. Very stylish chickies. They are also machine washable.

So what do you have to do to to win these?

I will tell you.

You have to tell me about the worst date you ever had. It doesn't have to be with your spouse, it could be the date your mother made you go on with your cousin, or the blind date you were set up on, and the date actually was blind and nobody told you. Anyhoo.....when all the stories are in, I will give it about 10 days (because some of you are slackers and don't keep up with blog reading) and the winner will be chosen by a panel of dating experts, who were chosen by the proprietor of this blog.

(Remember, if you win, you will have to be willing to cough up your snail mail address so these can be sent. If you really want to keep it a secret, get a friend to let you use their address.....I promise no flaming bags of poo will arrive on the doorstep. Pinky swear.)

So call your friends, and tell them to enter too. If they win, it's totally your fault for telling them to enter.

On your mark, get set, GO.

So much to say

2010-02-20T17:36:00.003-05:00

but I don't know where to start. Topics to consider: 1) My sudden communication with S1's birth father. 2) My medical updates. 3) My kitchen redo update (also called, BigD is still alive, but I may have to kill him yet). 4) Reverse discrimination. 1) When we last met, I had just told you about S1's birth father sending me a message on F.acebook, or as I call it suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book.

In a 24 hour period, he and I traded 18 messages. They got longer and longer and more informational. I have to tell you...he is a great guy. So often, people (me included) think of birth fathers as mere s.perm donors. Wham, bam, oops and I'm outta here. They are rarely portrayed or thought of as people whose lives change with the adoption. They sign a paper and are never heard from again.

This is most definitely NOT the case with this birth father. He was so traumatized by the pregnancy and subsequent adoption that he decided that he didn't want children. He married, not to S1's birth mother, then divorced. At the end of his marriage, his wife told him she was pregnant. He was terrified and really didn't want to become a father. He didn't want to open up his heart like that again. They still divorced, but he is now the father of a wonderful 6 year old that he adores.

He said he has thought about S1 almost every day for the last 21 years. He has hoped that he was in a loving home and was thrilled to hear all that I told him. He told me that for the first time, he felt immense relief, and that I had given him the peace he had needed all these years.

I talked to S1 (in brief bursts) about this whole scenario. He really doesn't want to be in contact with either the birth father or birth mother right now. He knows they are merely a click away, when and if he is ready.

What I will tell you, is that I am stunned at how many things S1 has in common with his birth father. It is almost scary, yet intriguing at the same time.

So, now after 21 years of not giving this guy much credit.....he is now one of my suckyouinandwasteyourtime-book friends. Bizarre, to say the least.

2) My medical dramas.....all the medical crap that I ended 2009 and began 2010 with....the heart is normal. Completely normal. In fact fabulous. I will live to be 100.

Then the cancer thingy. While it was removed, a friend managed to completely freak me out with some g.oogle research and now I am following up with an OBGYN cancer guy just to be sure. It will most likely be a colossal waste of time, but I also don't want to every say "why didn't I?"

3) That brings us to the kitchen redo. So far I have bitten my tongue so many times it resembles ground beef. BigD isn't one to rush into decisions on the homefront. In the meantime, I have picked the granite, the sink, the light fixures have been researched and narrowed down, the length of the island extension that will become our new eating area etc etc. BigD? He is okay with the granite choice. I can't even address the other things because he simply cannot absorb this type of data. Give him some bloody fingerprints and an errant hair, and he is all over it like stink on shit. I KNOW that he will, at some point, decide that all of these choices were originally his, and it will be full steam ahead. The waiting...ugh. Lets just say, I would like this project done already. Waiting two or three more weeks just to come to the same conclusion is torture for me.

4) That brings us to #4. Reverse discrimination. I don't know if it is a real term, but if not, I declare it here. I have never mentioned much about my home here, because I don't want people forming opinions about me because of where I live or how I live here. Lets just say, that the area where I live is nice. Very nice. Many years ago we had the opportunity to either invest in stocks or real estate. We chose real estate. (good thing too, cause in case you haven't heard lots of people got really screwed in the market). We figured real estate is typically going to hold or increase its value. (at least until recently....those of you that have been hit by the housing crap...my heart goes out to you. Seriously.)

In the last 20 years, the value of our home has increased significantly. Our neighborhood is small and desirable. This brings me to the reverse discrimination part. Many times I am expected to not take advantage of a good deal when it comes along. People assume that because of where I live, I can afford to pay full price or at the very least, not get the discount that is offered someone across town. This is just plain wrong.

We work very hard to keep up our home, and don't waste money. You have read here that I am the queen of cheap. Not chintzy cheap, but get a good deal cheap. Why should I not be given the same consideration that everyone else gets? People also give me the 'how can you live THERE" look and attitude when they know what BigD and I do for jobs. They make assumptions that there must be something untoward going on. No, assholes, we made a great investment, and work hard to enjoy it.

So, if you want me to spend money on your service, give me the same quote for the same job that you give everyone else. Believe me, I know what the going rate is, and if you don't offer it, you will lose my business and I will move on to the next provider of the same service you offer....and I will tell my friends you are a jerk.

So, that gets us caught up for now. Do you have readers cramp yet? Thought so.

Are there statistics?

2010-02-09T19:51:00.002-05:00

On how many men are killed by their wives while trying to make decisions about updating a room in the house where the WIFE spends 90% of her life by a sink or near a stove?

I know one man that most likely will not survive. At the very least, blood will be shed.

This is one of those times where I sit back and ask myself, again, why do women have to marry men?

It's MY kitchen damn it. He can do what he wants to the man cave, garage, yard, whatever...leave my place alone. Trust me when I say that a shiny silver finish light fixture will look like shit in my Tuscan inspired, exposed brick kitchen.

I am too pissed to even write about it. THAT'S PISSED.

perfectly ordinary day

2010-02-03T16:16:00.003-05:00

I am working on the follow-up post to the birth-fathers sudden appearance on my f.acebook. In the meantime, I wanted to post this link. To those of you that have children, you will be nodding your head. To those of you waiting for your children, it is a little bit of advice from those of us that have crossed over to being parents. (this may require a tissue for some of you) I can almost guarantee that you will be sending it on to your parents, or friends. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0

HOLY FREAKIN SHIT (* with an update)

2010-01-27T18:04:00.003-05:00

First goo.gle now face.book.

For those of you that have been reading for awhile, you will remember about 3 years ago( January posts 2006-I think), I was helping one of my blog buddies figure out how to do some sleuthing to try to find her child's birth parents.

In the midst of helping, goog.le rocked my world by popping up S1's birth mother. Yep. Smack dab in the middle of my monitor.

She had listed her contact info on his 18th birthday, (I discovered it 3 months later) and I got up the courage to email her. We had a few exceptionally nice emails, I passed on the info to S1 and told him he had my blessing if he was curious and felt the need to contact her. She sounds very sweet.

I honestly don't know if he ever did anything with the info. I printed out all of her correspondence to me and mine to her. I put it in an envelope with all the adoption info we had from the agency, along with the hospital photos of her and S1's birth father holding him. There was also a very sweet letter she wrote him. The kind of sweet that a 15 year old would write, wanting to sound so mature and articulate.

I don't think he ever even opened the envelope, because I think he would have told me. He knows that I am not threatened by them anymore ( I quit worrying they would swoop in and take him away when he was about, oh, about 15) and if he had been in touch, I am fairly certain he would have shared the experience with me.

SO....today, I am harvesting my farmv.ille crops, milking my cows and deciding whether to buy another damn pig. I open my home page to see what all my fbook buds are up to today, and read some of Jerry's jokes, and there is a message in the inbox.

Yeah, you KNOW where this is going.......

I open it up and it is from some guy with the subject line "Hi". I almost deleted it thinking it was some dude creepin on old ladies with fbook's. Lo and behold, I start reading the note and holy freaking shit...it is a note from S1's birth father. He says he emailed me a year ago and never heard back (HELLO?? no kidding???? I DELETE emails from people that I don't know who put "hi" in the subject line........doesn't everyone??)

So obviously, my stomach starts churning and I have to decide how I want to respond. I did, telling him that because of the way that you can find out almost anything, about almost anybody now, I needed more proof he was actually who he said he was.

While I sit here and wait for my inbox to show a message back, I decided to start creeping on his fbook. DAMN. S1 looks a lot like him. It is freaky to see the man that was part of bringing my son into this world, staring at me in photos.

He seems like an okay guy.

I looked to see who he is friends with, and they all look normal.

He is even friends with S1's birth mother......that I never even gave a thought to looking up on fbook before.

He doesn't share his info unless you are a friend, but I didn't see anyone that looked like a significant other in the photos, so I don't know if he ever married. I am betting I will find out though. He is probably about 40 now. He was older than S1's birth mother and in the adoption data we got, it stated he wanted to go into the military. On his fbook.....he posted a status that he had just passed his 2oth anniversary of service, so he obviously followed up on that interest.

I am just sitting here shitting myself. I have to decide the right time to call S1 and tell him. I have never kept anything from him about his adoption, and certainly won't start now. My biggest worry is that it will be upsetting to him. He really is very sensitive and HATES change. This is change people.

One thing I forgot to ask this guy was how he knew my name....hmmmmm. Maybe the birth mom told him..i dunno.

My stomach was upset all afternoon with a stupid GI bug, now this. Hell, by tomorrow, I will be able to fit into my skinny jeans. (if I can get out of the bathroom long enough to put them on that is).

**UPDATE**

I texted S1, NOT TO TELL HIM, that would be really crappy, but to tell him to call me if he was free and by himself. It wouldn't be cool to hear this with a room full of smelly room-mates.

He called a few minutes ago and the convo went like this:

Me: Hi hon...do you have a minute?

Him: Yeah, what's up?

Me: Are you alone?

Him: No, girl/friend is here, we are about to leave to go watch the game.

Me: Lets just talk later then.

Him: NO! I would just be wondering what you want...go ahead...just tell me.

Me: It is kind of mind blowing news honey, I would rather you be comfortable, and maybe it would be better if you were alone.

Him: JUST SAY IT (getting exasperated...a tone I know well).

Me: Well...I was on my Fbook and saw a message from someone I didn't know, and almost didn't bother looking at it.

Him: Aaaand...........who was it?

Me: Oh honey..are you sitting down? (he said JUST SAY IT again)

Me: It was from your birth father.

Him: Oh. God, I thought it was something bad, like they found out your skin cancer, mole thingy, was the worst kind or something. I really don't think that is big news mom. I reeaallly don't care.

I went on to tell him that he seems like he is an okay guy and that he did go into the military like he had wanted...blah blah blah. His only reaction was who cares. He was worried about his momma. Can I even begin to tell you how much I love this kid? There are no words.

Now, I do predict that in the upcoming days he will call and ask me the B-fathers name at least so he can scope him out. Oh, yeah, he didn't even ask his name. Can you believe it??

The only reason I went ahead and told him while he was with girl/friend, is that I know her and she is wonderful. If he had to be with anyone when he hears anything the least bit upsetting, it would be her. She is very grounded and he is really comfortable with her.

As for me, I am still reeling. Technology is great. I predict someday it will kill me.

Late night tv

2010-01-23T08:00:00.002-05:00

I am too old to stay up half the night any more, and then get up and be working by 6.

Hell, who am I kidding, it was even hard when I was 20.

So, because of all the hoopla this week over the Conan vs Jay, I felt it was my obligation as a citizen to at least record the last Conan broadcast from N.B.C.

I am old enough to remember J. Carson. The original Tonight Show host. I remember hearing my mom chuckle from the other room when I was supposed to be sleeping and on occasion even caught the show as I got older. Those were the days when the guests could quite possibly show up three sheets to the wind, and everyone smoked. Everyone.

So, this morning, I watched the last Conan broadcast. To be honest, I don't remember watching the show before (so I guess I am partially responsible for him being unemployed since it had to do with ratings. Sorry Conan...bring the wife and kids over for some meatloaf and mashed potatoes with a side of corn. You can even smush the corn into the potatoes for a new taste sensation.)

This guy..Conan...he is a class act. I know he will land on his feet, I just hope the hundreds of staff personnel do too. Again Conan, I am sorry I didn't support you every night. A girl has to get up early and work, ya know? See you around 6 tonight for dinner. <> So a very unofficial poll ...who do you prefer, Jay or Conan?

3 AM=me screaming COME AGAIN!!

2010-01-22T12:51:00.006-05:00

Get your filthy minds out of the gutter.

This post has nothing to do with sex, though I did say "come again??" once our conversation started.

But, I need to back up and start about 3 hours earlier.

It all started because S3 grew. He is 1/8 inch from being 6 feet tall and is still sleeping on the twin bed that he got from his brother, when his brother grew to a bigger bed.

I was talking to my sister-in-law (the nice one, not the bitch), and told her that S3 didn't fit in his bed anymore and was waking up in the morning with achy legs and back because he couldn't even put his feet over the bottom of the bed because of the foot board on his hand-me-down bed.

She offered a double sized bed that our dear old auntie bought about a year before she died. She told me that since it was only a year old, it still had plenty of life in it and I ran it past S3 and he said sure.

Yesterday we took a sledgehammer to the old bed. Believe me, nobody would have wanted it. It had been a bunk bed, and the top bunk disappeared to the magic wood pile years ago, so this was literally 1/2 of a bed. It was very well used by 3 boys growing up, so it was time to say goodbye.

S3 had a blast smashing it to bits for our fire-pit.....now we just had to wait for the new bed to show up.

It arrived a couple of hours later and when we unwrapped it we just stood there and stared. It had a big 'ol stain. I am talking HUGE. Like bladder the size of a football huge...stain of old lady pee.

My SIL forgot that it was there and felt awful but by then, the old twin mattress he had been sleeping on had been hauled off to the dump, about 1/2 hour earlier. Timing. It really is everything ya know?

So, when the helpers left it was just S3 and I here. When I told him I would cover the mattress in an impenetrable plastic cover then a mattress pad, then the bed linens. He just looked at me and quietly said "Mom, I won't sleep on it..it's disgusting". It wasn't so much what he said, as how he said it. Sad. So sad. He is an amazing kid, great student, has huge dreams of saving the world, and he just didn't want to sleep on a bed that was stained by old lady pee. He doesn't know that she DIED in that bed last summer. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EITHER or I never would have agreed to take it. (I found out when my SIL called late last night to ask if S3 liked the bed--I tactfully avoided telling her that he refused to even go near it).

So, he and I talked and as my heart was breaking for him I made a decision.

I had been saving to get myself an fancy ass camera. I had the cash. I took the boy to the store last night and bought him a new mattress. One of his very own. Not one that has been handed down by his brothers. It dawned on me during our conversation that all of his clothes....all of his toys....all of his almost everything has been handed down. This kid has never complained once. NEVER.

On the way to the mattress store, over and over he said he would just sleep on the floor, that he didn't want me to spend my camera money etc etc. I told him that I was doing something that I wanted to do, not that I felt I had to do. This would make me happier than a camera, (okay, so truth be told, that is a teeny weensy lie, I would have more pleasure from a new camera..there I said it) and I could start saving again...I did it once, I could do it again.

Even walking into the store he was saying "mom, really, you don't have to do this, I can sleep anywhere, you know that". THEN he laid on the classic series.....and smiled. It will be delivered tomorrow and he and I are both excited.

So, when BigD got home from his meeting I told him what I had done. Can I tell you that even after 29 years this guy can still surprise me?? Not only was he NOT pissed (this kind of thing has a tendency to make him a bit cranky) he was glad. He too realized that S3 got the short stick often, mostly because he is too kind to speak up. **note to self.....remind S3 a couple times a week,what an amazing kid he is **

Then BigD said he had something he wanted to talk to me about. Uh-oh.

He told me, he thought it was time that we did a little updating at the old OHN homestead. We built the house 20 years ago and it is starting to look a little dated (OK, it actually started to look dated about 10 years ago, but with 3 kids, the only updating going on was the contents of the ever vanishing insides of the fridge).

He actually said lets do it.

I don't know who the person is that morphed into BigD's body, but this guy can stay. He is wayyy more mellow. :)

Can I tell you that I am so excited I don't even know where to start? I was up till 4 this morning redesigning my kitchen. In my head my countertops are all granite, my ugly light fixtures are replaced by my dream fixture, with my awesome cookware hanging off the sides, the cook top island is extended to where the table and chairs are now and the table and chairs are banished to the basement. At the end of the island is where we will eat our bread and water (all I will be able to afford once we start, as we are doing this on a cash basis...no debt, thank you very much) on lovely tall stools, and the sliding glass door to the deck that is now "locked" with a wooden dowel, will be replaced by french doors, now that there won't be a table in the way any longer. Mind you, BigD is totally unaware of my slightly vigorous plan, but damn...somehow this is going to happen.

I love my walls so they are staying just the way they are. I had a decorator come in about 4 years ago and do a Tuscan brick and cracked wall theme and it is gorgeous so no changes needed there. (Yes, I will take photos as this idea progresses).

For those of you that just read about my bathroom remodel....the part where I said I would NEVER do this again...well, much like childbirth, some memories fade, and we then repeat the offending act. I guess that is what makes the world spin on its axis.

Knock Knock--Hello???

2010-01-12T19:24:00.004-05:00

The coyotes in my back yard didn't get me. I have just been so freaking busy.

So lets recap.

S1 and the whole drunken, obnoxious incident. Bizarrely the best thing that has happened in a long time. Like 18 years. The boy was able to purge many things and my worry about he and his dad never being close again??? They are closer than they have ever been. I could put a whole paragraph here about how guys are weird and handle problems SO differently than women, but suffice to say that I really don't care HOW they got to the point of closeness they have now.....I am just glad they are there.

Normally, with a month long break from school, he would have stuck around at his apartment and not spent much time at home. At this point, he has been here since the 'instant asshole, just add whiskey' night. He has been watching sports with BigD, doing the grocery shopping for me, helping S3 GUT, clean and rearrange his room and on and on.

I have wondered who this kid is that looks just like the independent, can handle anything on his own kid. He looks just like S1 but he has done a 180 as far as wanting to spend time with the family.

I won't lie. I am loving every minute of it.

So, now we just have to get through tomorrow. That's the day we spend at the Clevel@nd Clinic having all the testing for his possible connective tissue disease. I won't be breathing till we are done.

I had my cancer removed. Again. Waiting for the margins to be clear and then hopefully the heybaby area will never again be seen by anyone outside of my bedroom. Seriously.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO BUT S1 KEPT WALKING INTO MY OFFICE AND I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE WHAT I WAS DOING SO I DECIDED TO JUST KEEP IT AND POST AFTER THE C. CLINIC DAY.

That was yesterday. It was a very very long and exhausting day. S1 didn't sleep well the night before and I didn't either. We both were quietly thinking about what news the days events would bring.

I can tell you here, what I didn't tell anyone in the family. I am always in charge of making any type of vacation plans. We are planning to go to South Carolina next summer, but I couldn't let myself make condo reservations because I know S1, and I know that if he had a big red scar running the length of his bony skinny chest, he would elect to stay home and not come with us. He doesn't even like to take off his shirt in the summer because of his extremely thin build (I have never had any idea what having a thin build is like, but a girl can imagine;) so I had been coming up with excuses about not liking each condo for some offbeat reason. I lied to my entire family.

We started with an MRI (I am still not sure if it was a full body or not...this is one of the things I still need to find out). After that he had to have an extensive echocardio.gram with emphasis on the aort.a and the root and all the valves (ok, basically that is what an echo does;). After that was the appointment with the geneticist who asked a multitude of questions and did an exam that included measurements. S1 did have multiple positives on the questioning but when it came to family history, that is when the knife in my chest was twisted once again. I hate the look in S1's eyes when he has to say the words "I'm adopted and I don't know any "family" history". As I have mentioned before..he HATES to be 'different' than the norm, or at least what he considers the norm. Anyway, the doctor (who was adorable and about 8 3/4 months pregnant) was sweet and didn't make a big deal about it. She handled what could have been an uncomfortable pause, or an "oh no" reaction, with ease and just tactfully moved on. I could have kissed her.

By the end of the exam, she stated that she was "certain" (which took me by surprise as rarely do doctors stated anything with certainty...at least none that I have known) that he did not have a connective tissu.e disorder, but quite possibly more of an arthritic condition. She suggested that he see an rheu.matologist when the pains in the joints and aching of the muscles began to effect his lifestyle in a negative manner. While her announcement of certainly was wonderful, I was still nervous about what the cardiovascular doc was going to say about the MRI and echo.

We got to his office and had to wait 2 hours. By this time S1 was climbing the walls and quite testy. He asked if we could just skip the visit and leave since the other doc said he was fine. As much as that appealed to me after sitting for 2 continuous hours watching H.aiti on CN.N, I told him we had to finish up the day. There was NO way I was going to get him back there again.

So, we met the uberspecialist in Mar.fan cardiac problems. He was a strange dude. No personality to speak of and he talked so quietly (and with an accent) that I kept leaning closer and closer to him just to hear what he was saying. I came damn near close to sitting on his lap.

So, his final word. S1 has a slightly enlarged aorti.c root but not to the point where there would be any surgical indication. Trust me, when a surgeon DOESN'T suggest surgery...it's a good day. He recommended that S1 just pop back in for another echo in about 5 years to make sure there was no change, but other than that....go have a good life. Hot damn.

BigD had driven separately because he had to stay in Clevel@nd town for a meeting that night, so as we parted ways. S1 and I got into the car, and his elation was palpable. I started to cry when he said "This....this was a good day". I knew he had been worried but didn't know the extent of his worry until I heard his relief. He was almost giddy. We drove to the nearest App.le store so he could get a new battery, and passed a Cheesec@ke Factory. He looked at me and said "you hungry?" with a big smile on his face. When we left there $42 later, he was full on top of happy.

He talked and talked and talked the whole way home. When we got home he was laughing and teasing with S2 (and with only 17 months difference in age, they have a hot and cold friendship....lately because they live together it has been more cold). This morning, S2 told me that it has been a looonnnnggg time since he had seen his brother this relaxed. My damn eyes leaked once again.

Now, the last medical stuff he has to endure is an upper endosc0py to make sure he doesn't have a malabsorption problem or celia.c disease. (6'2 140 lbs--try buying jeans for this kid). He is scheduled for that early Feb, but after yesterday, he ranks his worry about this at closer to 0 than 10.

We can handle a dietary issue a bit easier than a cardiac issue.

So. For today, all is good.

(that sound you hear is me collapsing on my desk from emotional exhaustion from the past two weeks...excuse me while I go find a miracle cream that can remove the extra wrinkles I earned in the process)

No special effects

2010-01-02T11:24:00.003-05:00

Just tossing and turning. I think this is a whole new style I may adopt. In case you can't tell, that is my hair when I woke up. Things are better today. I still feel like I may be slightly off kilter, but S1 is still here, having not bolted back to his apartment to avoid family. (Which is really a very good sign. He likes his solitude and to be honest, I think he is staying a couple of days to show me he is okay. He knows how upset I was/am. )

Though, I am a practiced child of being able to smile and carry on when the inside of my head is exploding. I am not sure if it is the Irish in me, or the years of hiding my terror of my father, or I just come from "strong stock" as I have been told by some.

When I woke up this morning, I stayed in bed for about 1/2 hour just petting Cosm.o and trying to get my "center" back. I realized that if BigD and S1 can compartmentalize what happened the other night, and move on, I should try to do the same. Problem is......I get flashbacks. I have had them all of my life from various events that my mind has captured a permanent photo.

I can be cruising along great then out of nowhere, I hit a wall with images. It is worse when things are quiet and I am not busy. Sometimes they nag and nag until I am so tired of them popping up in my head, I could scream. It is almost like self torture. I have no idea why I can't think of puppies and rainbows instead.

I also seriously want to thank all of you for your very kind comments. There are so many things I put here that nobody in my real life knows about. BigD is huge about not "airing our dirty laundry" (he likes appearances of perfection) but in reality, I know EVERYONE has at least a smudge on their silk, and doing a little airing might help release the stain. I am not sure, but I am glad I can come here and purge a bit. It really does help. Having all the kind comments is strangely comforting and I feel like so many of you would be a blast to have over for a picnic.

I might even wear my new hairstyle.

So far 2010 sucks.

2010-01-01T10:25:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I know we are only a few hours in but last night, was undoubtedly the worst night I have had in a very very long time.

When BigD got to the apartment, S1 was belligerent. F-this, F-that about his brother "calling in the cavalry", and on and on. One of the guys went out and brought back some food for S1 and things started to calm down.

Suddenly the shit hit the fan and the fight was on.

S1 proceeded to throw punches (which I bet were rather amusing as he may be 6'2" but he only weighs 145 pounds soaking wet. You would be able to wrap your fingers around his calves.)

BigD has had 32 years of dealing with asshole drunks.....but this is his son.

To back up a little........when BigD got there, he and S2 went into S1's room and found him with a pencil and paper, writing what appeared to be a suicide note. He ranted at them, on and on about how he has been screwed over (unbelievably it all stems back to that sleeze he was sleeping with all fall. I KNEW he was developing feelings...he admitted that he had fallen VERY in love with her and she went back to her boyfriend and he felt crushed---he now swears he will never let anyone in close again.)

BigD looked over on the bed and there was a Le@thermans t00l on the bed. He really felt this was a serious gesture and made the decision that S1 needed to be home, as he felt that S1 and I are close enough he would talk, but more importantly listen to me.

What happened next, may prevent S1 and BigD from ever having a relationship again.

BigD put him in handcuffs, practically carried him out of the apartment and seatbelted him in the back of his car.

Yes. You read that right.

I cannot even begin to tell you my feelings when he called me and told me they were on their way home and S1 was cuffed in the back like a dirtball.

Even as I type this, I can't quit crying. This is my little boy.

I guess S1 had some choice words for BigD the entire ride home. S1, having total recall and a photographic memory brought up things that happened YEARS ago. The time when BigD and I hit a rough patch and he overheard us talking. BigD at that time said he was leaving, and quite honestly I was ready to hold the door for him.....but we worked things through. Marriage can be tough, but to a kid, it is very hard to see that not all things are black and white.

ONE time when S1 was in middle school, BigD made the mistake of grabbing S1 by the shirt collar (BigD knows that this was wrong and has felt bad about it since then) and yelled at him about something (if I remember, I think it was something stupid like a messy room with an added smart mouth attitude) and S1 now thinks that he was always treated this way. He is forgetting the 99% of the time that the family has laughed, played and just been together.

I am sick.

**UPDATE**

It is now almost 6 pm. S1, BigD and I all had a very long talk. Many things came out. S1 said there was never going to be anything close to a suicide attempt. The note he was writing was for his brother to tell him to stay the F out of his life and quit acting like a parent. (S2 doesn't drink and DOES have a tendency to act like "dad" to his brothers. ) S1 did tell me that he cannot believe that his own father put him in handcuffs. To be honest, I can't either. But, I can't second guess BigD. He was there during the worst of it, I wasn't. I was here waiting for a call.

S1 apologized to his brother for being a very mean drunk. He tried to explain that this happens to him when he drinks whiskey. The last time he had whiskey was a year and a half ago, and a similar reaction happened. He has now told us he will stick to the occasional beer. I want to believe him, I really do, but I also think he has some demons in his head.

At one point last night/early this morning, he told me he is afraid he has a brain tumor, and is afraid he is going to die. I promised him we would see as many doctors as he wanted to give him peace of mind. As I mentioned before, we have a day of appointments scheduled in two weeks that will shed much light on almost anything he may have. That appointment day can't come soon enough.

So, I sit here with my son up in his room, with a bandaged knee from some nasty road rash from falling in the street while running away from the apartment (when he heard dad was on the way), a sore head from when he had to be restrained so he wouldn't hurt himself, and a broken spirit. He is such a sensitive guy that he shuts off his emotions so he won't be hurt.

Today, he told me he said things that have been in his head for a very long time, and while he is sorry about how it all happened, he is glad some of it came out, and is no longer bottled up.

I don't know how much of what he said today is lip service to placate me and how much he meant, probably some of both.

That doesn't ease any of my worry though. I don't care if he is 21 or 81, he will always be my little boy. I want to tuck him under my arm and just keep him safe from all demons, real or imagined.

I love my boys so much, it makes my heart ache.

The image of him in handcuffs in the kitchen, waiting for his dad to go get the cuff key to unlock them, is an image that will haunt me forever. So will the look in S1's eyes.

2010 isn't looking very good

2010-01-01T02:20:00.003-05:00

I am sitting here, trying not to vomit.

The phone rang about 90 minutes ago. It was S2 telling us that S1 was in a bad way.

He started drinking earlier tonight and has gotten so drunk they were afraid for his safety.

He was talking about wanting to die.

My heart is sick right now. I don't understand any of this. He is so smart, yet he refuses to believe that he has a problem. I am seeing now, that there is indeed a problem.

I know most young people, he is 21, that are in college have some sort of party time, but evidently this has been going on for a very long time. S1 is a master at hiding things, especially his feelings.

BigD hopped in the car and went to college town. He just called and S1 is ripping his father apart...."I never loved you" , "we have never been close" "just leave me alone". It breaks my heart. BigD may be strict, but he is very loving and all the boys should know that he loves them. He says it, he shows it, he means it.

So, here I sit at 2:30 in the morning wondering what do to next. I don't know how far this is going to go, if there needs to be some sort of an intervention to keep S1 from throwing his life away. We have no idea if alcoholism runs in his genes etc.

This is the third trip that BigD has had to make to college town in 3 years. It doesn't sound like alot, but there have been multiple times that I am sure we were not even aware of the gravity of the situation.

S1 has never had many friends. He doesn't think like his peers. He will sit and discuss/debate foreign policy, economic climates, political theory and on and on, but has a hard time relating to kids his own age. To him, they are all immature and don't have a focus. He had a long term girlfriend ( 2 1/2 years) that he split with 1 1/2 years ago and he hasn't had a serious relationship since. He says he isn't looking, yet when I talk to him, I can hear in his voice that each girl he dates, he is hoping settle down with. He likes consistency. Career wise, he tells me his wishes for the future and they mostly include some type of c0vert operations, C.IA, etc.

How do I make him realize that none of those dreams will come to fruition if he is throwing it all away now. He is brilliant, but not very smart.

I am sick with worry and I don't know what to do.

Happy New Year OHN, and oh yeah, it's cancer.

2009-12-31T13:49:00.004-05:00

Okay, so she wasn't quite that blunt, but it was still a shockerooo.

A few weeks ago, I went to have three "things" removed. The dermatologist felt that they were probably all nothing.

Surprise!

One of them came back as squam0us cell carcin0ma.

The really yucky, sucky bad part is, the location of the cancer.

Good gawd it is in the part of the body where the inner thigh connects to the heybaby. Yep. Bad enough to have one doc messing around down there, now I get another one who specializes in this type of thing.

I wouldn't have known it was there if it weren't for BigD. He was poking around down there.....looking to see if there was anything worth taking a little blue pill for.....and asked when I grew another eye, and that it was kinda creepin him out.

Just in case any of you think I am a floozie (is that a real word?), it is nothing transmitted via sex cooties.

So I went to the dermatologist, hoisted up the bloomers, spread like peanut butter, and she had a gander at the goods. This was the second dermatologist I went to see. The first took a look and said it was "nothing" and she wouldn't even remove it.

I am glad that I didn't listen to her, or I might be sitting here typing my obit rather than a post telling you ALL to check your WHOLE body (grab a mirror and spread 'em) for anything that you weren't born with (or were born with that looks different than it did a few weeks ago).

I always thought that skin cancer only happened when you were a sun goddess. Well, actually that does make sense as I AM a goddess. I have blue eyes, freckles, and used to have red hair, so I have sizzled with the best of them. BUT, this Squ. cell is not where the sun reaches. I can pretty much guarantee you that I have rarely, if ever, sunbathed bottomless with my legs in stirrups. (for you men that read this, I am not talking about a saddle).

On top of that, I am wearing a heart monitor for the next month because of the ER trip I posted about a week or so ago. Fun times folks. Fun times.

I feel like I am falling apart. Physically. ......... Mentally, that happened years ago.

I spent this morning with S3 while he had an MR.I on his shoulder that he trashed while "training" with a "coach" (really just a dad with delusions of higher things) for pre-pre season training for lacr0sse. We have our fingers crossed that it is a non-surgical injury and the MR.I will tell us that. As for this dad's training sessions....well, S3 won't be going back. Had I realized that this wasn't a school sanctioned training (he presented it as such) S3 wouldn't have been allowed to go to begin with.

In two weeks, I am taking S1 to the Clevel@and Clinic to see not one, not two, but three specialists. He is having two weeks of testing in one day. It's gonna be a long one! I pulled the mom card on this one. He was balking about going for all these tests, and I told him it was ALL I wanted for Christm@s. Peace of mind. I told him, the only thing it would cost him is having to spend a day with me and eat crappy hospital cafeteria food between appointments. Unbelievably, he agreed. We are very concerned about a genetic disorder, that I will detail further here, once the tests are done. The only thing that is bothering him....he knows they are going to ask about genetics (one of the specialists is a geneticist) and family. We have nothing. No info except his birth-father did have some relatives drop dead young. S1 HATES to have people make inquiries about his parentage because he is an analytical kid and not knowing background, doesn't fit into one of his neat little boxes.

I swear....it sounds like we are a bunch of sick, poorly constructed humans, and we really aren't. It just all seems to be happening at once.

So 2009...you kinda suck.

2010....don't you dare start with me, or you will be in serious trouble mister.

Timing and over-the-head thought bubbles

2009-12-27T19:23:00.002-05:00

Remember last post I told you that I wanted a puppy or camera for Christmas?

This afternoon we went to an open house for a friend that is retiring(very young) ...and who also got a puppy for Christmas ....(the lucky bastard) and when I asked him what he was going to do beside, cook, clean house and do all the laundry from now on, while his wife is at work, he told me he was going to get back in to photography.

It was just this guy, BigD and me standing there at that moment. I asked him what kind of camera he has, and we started talking about cameras, lenses etc. BigD stood there and looked at me like he had never heard before, that I want a camera. Honest to God. He just looked at me like it was all new information.

I told the friend that I am close to getting one, had been looking for deals, talking to pro's (hi Tina) and doing quality and price shopping.

So, now, when I go get my sweet ass a camera, BigD will undoubtedly say he knew all along that I wanted one. He does that. I can say something, and weeks later he "thinks" of the idea and is certain that it originated in his brain, when in fact, it was my seed that was planted.

I am fairly certain this is a male genetic trait. Many of my friends have complained about the same thing. We women make decisions, then suddenly it is a new idea in our mates brains.

Anyway, I just thought it was funny that I got to show my excitement about something that I have been wanting forever, while the man that supposedly knows me so well, stood there and was surprised.

*Can someone please explain to me why men and women are allowed to be married, when we clearly are so different? This whole g.ay marriage thing makes much more sense to me. People of common thoughts spending time together....how novel is that?

*No, I am not even remotely g.ay and am not championing a cause, just thinking out loud, though I do wonder why people are so afraid of two people loving each other...no matter who they love.

No puppy and I am an ungrateful bitch

2009-12-26T16:02:00.003-05:00

It wasn't even on BigD's radar. Christmas morning I asked him when the puppy would be delivered and he gave me that blank stare that I have known and loved forever.

It never crossed his mind.

Even with the hint/suggestion that was given to him. (I think "God, I would love one of those puppies!!!" is a fairly significant hint) .

He said "really? you thought I might get you one of the puppies?"

What he got me........

v v v v v

A GPS.

Yep. Can't tell you the last time I left my town for anything. The town I have lived in for 30 years.

He was so excited to give it to me. I seriously had to concentrate to not have the "why in the hell would you get me a GPS?" look on my face. I was able to pull it off.

He has no idea I am here being an ungrateful bitch complaining about a gift. I mean, how horrid am I?????

He was beaming, thinking it was the best gift ever.

For those of you that are thinking 'he probably wanted one for himself'.....he has one.

The only time I have left my town in the last year, we were together so we used his.

Now we have 2.

For a couple that 99% of the time is together when go anywhere in a 30 mile radius of our home.

I wanted a puppy or a camera.

Think he would notice if I traded the GPS for a camera, and stuck it to the windshield whenever I went anywhere?

See...I told you I was an ungrateful bitch. BUT, he doesn't know it, because I wouldn't have the heart to burst his perfect gift bubble.

On the flip side....S3 told me this was his "favorite Christmas ever". S1 and S2 were equally thrilled. (If you remember, we gave them tickets to the C.leveland C.avaliers--fairly good seats and they each got 2 tickets so they can take a friend). I filled in with some necessities, undies, sox, a couple bathrobes (sorely needed!) and all were happy campers.

BigD got stuff for his man-cave, so all he needs now is something to prop his feet on and I will probably never see him again.

That's ok, if I ever need to go anywhere alone, I will have my own GPS to get me there, and his will be sitting in his car in case he ever leaves the man-cave.

Happy New Year from the ungrateful bitch.

Jail is too good for this guy

2009-12-24T11:37:00.002-05:00

I bet the parents of his victims would like 10 minutes alone in a room with him. I know I would. He is the worst of the scum. Adults who prey on children are reprehensible and no punishment is good enough in my opinion. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34570779/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/

Because you all want to know more about me....right?

2009-12-20T09:16:00.004-05:00

Eggnog or hot chocolate? Both, but not at the same time.

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? He wraps everything. When I was a child he always left some open things under the tree, but BigD said that was stupid so we never did it. (do you think I am still resentful ? ;)

Colored lights on a tree or white? Colored, BUT in past years I have put white lites on the inside of the tree, forgot to do it this year.

Do you hang mistletoe? Yep. It hangs in my office doorway.

When do you put your decorations up? I start the day after Thanksgiving and finish when I can't stand seeing the boxes sitting around and put them away...finished or not.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Cookies. They are considered a dish aren't they, I mean I do use a plate.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Nope. Another thing BigD ixnayed when we got married. As a kid, I always opened the smallest gift. (yep, still resentful I didn't have the backbone to tell him we WERE going to continue the tradition).

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? It is loaded with all the ornaments the boys made when they were little and I wouldn't have it any other way. (though a fancy tree with gold and shimmers would be nice in another room :)

Snow: love it or hate it? Love it until February then I start craving 70 degree days.

Can you ice skate? YES! I actually was a competitive skater when I was young. (Didn't know that did you ?? :)

What is your favorite holiday dessert? Cookies. Specifically my mom's recipe, which happens to be the cookie that my boys compare all cookies too, and they think mine are best. So there.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? Not letting the boys come downstairs on Christmas morning until everyone is up. (they still abide by this, much to my shock).

Candy canes: yum or yuck? Yuck.

Favorite Christmas show? Because of the memories, it would have to be one of the early animated shows...Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Rudolph, etc. I love the jerky movements of the original claymation figures.

Feel free to play along.....I stole this meme from Devan at http://all-d.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-meme.html

Want to get seen IMMEDIATELY in an ER?

2009-12-19T08:40:00.002-05:00

When you go up to the triage window, just casually mention that you are having an arrhythmia.

I was having an arrhythmia last night that didn't go away (I have had it before but after a bit it disappears and I go back to whatever offending behavior caused it:) so I had to head to the ER.

I know just enough to be dangerous, so I knew that it could either be completely benign or something that could cause me to drop on the spot. There is no way to tell just by "feeling", because you can't "feel" which heart chamber is goofy. Atrium...not too bad, ventricle....pretty darn bad.

I am fine. It turned out that for some reason my potassium was quite low (eat your bananas people) and it caused the electrical disruption. Unfortunately, the ER doc, who is yet ANOTHER friend (I know more medical people than one human should be allowed to associate with) insisted that I follow up with a cardiologist this coming week.

It's only Christmas week and I have to finish shopping, start and finish baking, wrap, and oh, yeah..work too. Not a problem doc...I can slip on that monitor and run like the wind.

So folks, if you have a hangnail and head to the ER, just casually mention the word arrhythmia and you will be in a bed faster than you can say cardiac arrest.

(Big D told me that the person they shuttled to the waiting area to triage me, was PISSED and bitched about having to wait the couple minutes it took to process my immediate need......the kicker, she was there for a pain in her foot that she has had for the last 3 weeks, that she was very loud and vocal about (no privacy laws broken here folks)......health care in reform phfft. )

Oh, and as promised the story of S2's crazy stalkers is in the works....just been a little busy.

SCG=spoiled crazy girl

2009-12-12T16:27:00.009-05:00

I wanted you to see a photo of S2 for a few reasons.

1) I wanted you to see that he wasn't some creepy, weird, kid that would warrant all the crazy stalkers that he attracts.

2) I think he is really cute :)

3) He has been told for years that he needs to get into modeling,but nobody seems to know how to tell him to get started. If any of you have any connections, he could use the work to pay for school, and I would thank you by, at the very least, washing your car.

This will be a long one, you may want to get comfortable, go ahead, I'll wait.

This poor guy is one of the most kind hearted people I know, but for some reason, he seems to attract psychotic females. He is the kind of person that likes to take care of other people. Last year, a cute, and I thought sweet girl (I only met her once when they had been dating for a couple weeks....I should have known, when in front of me, she was all over him, that this was a clue of what was to come.

Alas, she was a partier. A HARD partier and S2 doesn't drink, he works out 6 days a week etc, and he got tired really quick of having to babysit her while she got wasted. The final straw was when he went over to take her home from a party and she was laying in bed with some random guy. Not cool. After he told her that he really didn't want that kind of relationship, she started calling, texting at all hours, and for two months would not leave him alone. She even started showing up in his lecture halls (she wasn't taking the classes) and every time he went anywhere, the store, the rec center, she would show up. It got to the point where he had to tell her that it just wasn't going to work. Period. She didn't take it well, but fortunately soon after, found another guy to latch onto.

Fast forward to this year.

S2 was working out at the gym. As I said, he works out most days so being at the gym is like a second home to him.

One day, he noticed a beautiful girl across the way. He was too shy to say anything to her, but she smiled and he smiled back. About 20 minutes later, he went up to the second floor to use a certain machine, and lo and behold this beautiful girl, lets call her SCG for spoiled crazy girl, walks up to him and says, "is that machine hard to use?". He was a little psyched, because as I said, she is beautiful.

You would think he would have learned his lesson last year.

So, they talked for about 45 minutes, exchanged phone numbers and S2 decided she probably wouldn't go out with him (did I mention that he has no idea that he is good looking, sweet, hysterically funny etc....he is clueless.), and didn't call her.

He didn't know then that it wouldn't matter.

She called him right away and they began seeing each other.

At first, he was pretty flattered that all of his friends thought she was "hot", but slowly, he started seeing things and hearing things that just didn't add up.

He called home and ran a few things by me, and I had to shut my mouth. I could tell by the things he was saying that she was going to be extremely high maintenance but it wasn't my place to point that out. He needed to figure it out for himself.

Here are a few examples: She repeatedly told him that her daddy was very wealthy, and would buy her whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it. She spoke of $300 jeans, $400 boots, designer bags, first class flights to Chi.cago to shop after a difficult test that week in school, and the list goes on and on and on and on.......

He told her that if that is the type of guy she was looking for, she was barking up the wrong tree. He plans to become a child psy.chologist and probably wouldn't be making a six figure income.

At one point, they were at a store where there was an electronic device that S2 was admiring and she told him she might have her daddy buy it for her. To the tune of $2000. For no reason. Just because she wanted it.

So, S2 was becoming a little less enchanted with her. Looks are nice but he needs substance and fun behind the beauty and she was sorely lacking.

Then the lies started. She lied about things that were very easily checked, if not common knowledge.

She repeatedly tried to impress him about the area her family home is, (actually only about 10 minutes from where we live and we know the area very well), and when S2 Bin.g mapped her home, he realized our home was about twice the size of hers, but he didn't tell her, he didn't want to embarrass her.

So as the disillusion started to become more apparent, he suggested to her that maybe they weren't a good fit. He was trying to be kind and let her down easily.

Then the proverbial shit hit the fan. She would show up at his apartment in the middle of the night, (he found out later she was not only drinking those nights but blowing cok.e like it was her job), she would beg for rides here and there, she tried to hit on one of his room-mates to make him jealous...by this time, all the guys in the place were getting REALLY tired of her crap.

She would come over and walk right upstairs to S2's room to see if he was there (hello?? lock the door boys!) and would leave him "presents" on his bed. Things got weirder and weirder. One night S2 was asleep and woke up and she was sitting on his bed. (This completely freaked me out. It reminded me too much of G.lenn C.lose and boiling bunnies). She wanted to talk him into "trying again". He told her no and asked her to leave. She sat for another hour. He was afraid to get up and guide her to the door, not knowing what she would do.

He had found out that this is her second college. She left her first after claiming to have been assaulted, had a young man arrested, then the charges were dropped because she had lied.

So, S2 decided to write her a letter, that explained in direct terms, WHY they would never work out. He sited the lies and fabrications of her stories, the ridiculous incessant talk about how rich her daddy is, the delusions about how 3-4 times a day she is "hit on" by other guys...blah blah...it was officially over in his eyes.

He was home at the time and read the letter to me, to get my opinion, and I gave my thumbs up. There was nothing mean spirited, it stated only facts, and pointed out to her that she may want to rethink her ideals in life, in hopes to find a suitable mate, and she may want to kick her cok.e habit.

Within minutes, we're talking 2-3 minutes, his cell rang. IT WAS HER MOTHER.

This very classy, incredibly wealthy (according to SCG) woman. This very classy wealthy woman then stated.......to a stunned 19 year old guy....

"YOU ARE A COMPLETE FUCKTARD"

S2 was completely stunned and had no response. He figured by the number that came up on the screen it was her mother, not her, as it was a home number with the first 3 digits in her location, and all he could come up with was "excuse me?"

She then went on to say that the letter would be going to the ^&** police department, the ^&** police department (our town and her town-neighboring) and the dean of stu.dents. Then she hung up.

At NO time in the letter was there anything remotely harassing, threatening or anything other than direct talk and reasons why they weren't a good match.

To say I was infuriated would be putting it mildly. Obviously the girl got her crazies from her mother. I cannot even imagine calling a guy (that she had told her daughter was the "perfect" guy) and saying those things. BigD got a chuckle out of it and agreed there was nothing in the letter that any department would even look at twice. In fact, he said he would bet that mom wouldn't pass on the letter if for no other reason that the mention of the fact that her beautiful perfect daughter is a cok.e head.

My worry, is that if this girl cried assault once, she could do it again. But, according to S2 and BigD, there are too many people that are on to her ways that she couldn't get away with it again.

S2 is on winter break now until mid January and won't have to run into this crazy girl thankfully. He is a tad worried about seeing her on campus though. Hopefully by that time, she will have dug her talons into some other guy, hopefully one as rich as her daddy, and she will leave S2 alone. I told him if she contacts him again, I would seriously consider getting a restrai.ning order against her and for gawd sake, lock the damn door at the apartment!

Thank you all

2009-12-12T08:20:00.004-05:00

for your kind comments and emails. Cosmo did wake up the next morning, after sleeping between BigD and I all night, with us keeping a hand on him to make sure we would know if he started seizing.

We dodged the HUGE bullet of sudden death, now we have to just follow up on his liver, through blood work, to make sure there isn't permanent damage.

S3, is so relieved that I can't even express it in words. He adores Cosmo and the thought that he would have something to do with hurting him, was more than he could bear.

He is 15, and is somewhat typical of a 15 year old boy....farts are funny, LOUD farts are hysterical, girls are now hot and not gross, he eats from the time he gets home from school until he passes out, after hours on f@cebook and texting (after homework of course, yeah, right) but unlike most 15 year olds, he actually LIKES hanging out at home and most of the time I hear about weekend parties from other parents. Don't get me wrong S3 is very popular, he is just very selective about who he spends time with. A few of the guys on his teams have gotten into trouble (caught drinking, smoking weed, TP'ing houses...things that I think are pretty common in that age group) and he doesn't want any part of it.

He has a goal. His strongest desire is to attend the US Na.val A.cademy. Now, between you and me...he doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of getting in. His grades are good, not outstanding. He is kind and caring, but his actual volunteerism is scant. He is athletic, but not the star of the team. You get the idea.

I think it is wonderful that he has the dream, and I would NEVER let him know that it probably isn't within his reach, because it is keeping him focused. Trust me, when the times comes for college, he will be just as happy at normal university and he will have avoided a rocky high-school experience. I am ALL for that!P> He also watches his brothers. Every time they talk about someone that is in trouble for something stupid, S3 is listening and absorbing. Now, S1 and S2 are not angels. They have luckily avoided serious problems, but have done their share of partying, and rowdy behaviors....and continue to do so...but they keep it from S3. Having been his age not too long ago, they know the temptations and peer pressure he is under and are outstanding at lying directing him away from some of the temptations and telling him to be true to himself and not cave to peer pressure.

All of the boys are completely different. If I had to put one or two words together to describe each one, it would be tough, but would probably look something like this..

S1---BRILLIANT and focused (as I have said before...he is freakishly smart, and literally has a photographic memory)

S2---FUNNY (he needs to be on a stage somewhere..he would be rich) and laid back.

S3---KIND and sometimes maybe a little quiet.

So, again, thanks for all of your notes about Cosmo. I am glad that all of you said you would make sure your other friends were aware. The only way people will know about this is if they are told. It is such a new finding that there are vets that aren't very informed.

Oh, and wait till you read my next post. It has to do with S2 and the psychotic girls he attracts. You won't believe it!

IF YOU HAVE A DOG

2009-12-10T19:37:00.003-05:00

Don't let anyone in your house with a pack of gum.

No joke.

We just had to call the emergency vet because Cosmo, my sweet Cosmo, the rescue that will eat ANYTHING because he was rarely fed before we got him.....at 1/2 pack, about 7 pieces of Orbit gum that has the ingredient xylitol.

Thankfully I came into the room as he was finishing the last of the package and was able to call the vet right away.

I had to give him a tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide to make him vomit and pray that the gum was in the vomit...meaning that it hadn't digested enough to kill him.

S3 was sobbing. It was his gum that Cosmo got into while S3 was napping. He had left the package on the coffee table (we had the xylitol talk before but until tonight, he didn't understand the severity of it).

I guarantee you S3 will never leave gum laying around again.

The emergency vet said we need to watch for sleepiness (yeah, right..this dog has two speeds, very slow and stop, so sleepiness will be hard to determine). But, at this point there is really nothing we can do other than hope he is still ok by morning.

The thought of losing this little guy is more than I can stand. He is the 8th dog I have had in my lifetime and is absolutely the best dog I have ever had.

I know to those of you that aren't animal people, this may sound silly, but he is not "just a dog", he is family. If you don't get it, you don't get it, but trust me, people like me love our pets more than some of our relatives. Sad but true.

Please tell your family and friends about the toxins in plain old ordinary gum (almost all gums now contain the xylitol, which is the dangerous component).

Public service announcement over.

Thinking of remodeling?

2009-12-08T18:02:00.002-05:00

Go get drunk instead.

Seriously. Even if you are a nondrinker, it is a better option than having any part of your house ripped apart.

Those of you that know me on Fbook know that I have been bitching about criminal painter for the last week.

I had him come in to do a small patch and paint job, and it has snowballed into a full blown redo of my master bath involving tearing out a wall, 1/2 of the ceiling, removing a built in 8 foot tall cabinet, etc etc.

You wanna guess how many times I have gone to shower in the other shower and forgotten something?? Like a towel. Routine is my friend. I like consistency. Not knowing where the qtips are...makes me nuts.

I would not have chosen this particular man to do this project but I really didn't have a choice. He did the wall/ceiling patching (from what we thought was an OLD leak, from a freak sideways rainstorm long ago) and when he came in the following day to paint.....THE AREA WAS WET AGAIN.

I know, I know, it is a good thing that it was found, but I had already paid him 1/2 for the repair when we discovered that in fact there was a roof issue, and that was considered a separate repair..no, he seems to have forgotten the payment for 1/2 doing it the first time. I wouldn't mind if it had be been done, he left, and rehired, but since he was here already and had only completed part of the first repair, I am a little ticked that he started the clock at the beginning again so to speak.

I contacted the insurance agency, you know the people that suck money out of my wallet for homeowners, car, life insurance, yet getting a check for repairs is nearly impossible.

I have had to have 3 separate discussions with the adjuster that came out to assess the damage. Finally after the third conversation, she upped my payout by 40 bucks. Yeah. Woohoo.

Anyway, criminal painter was here when she came and he started getting involved in MY conversation with her. I think because of his big mouth, trying to impress her that he could do all this work for very little money, she came in ridiculously low on the payout. We are talking about ripping out walls and ceilings people....this isn't cheap. In the meantime, he keeps hitting me up for a "little more" money, while telling me how much money he is "saving me".

I told him today, the well was dry, and when the project was completed he would see another check.

OHN may be nuts, but she sure isn't stupid. I called the adjuster and asked her to please not take his calls....oh, yes, he had been calling her asking what they were going to "give me" and, as he said "keeping her up to speed" HELLO? She had already closed the claim and doesn't need a blow by blow of how amazing he is. So, I called her and asked her to leave him out of MY business. Like I said, I would not have chosen him, but since he was here working and had, the day before, patched etc, it was basically already in progress so I had to give him the work.

He made sure that there was no bidding. He sealed the deal with the adjuster outside in the driveway. I wondered why he walked out with her.

I could see the twinkle in his bloodshot, hungover eyes, and he was smelling Christmas money.

We are in the downhill slide of the "project", he should be done by Thursday. If not, I may have to kill him. Please start thinking about chipping in for my bail money.

Everything in the house is covered in plaster/drywall dust, he is very very messy. For the life of me, I can't figure out why he didn't at least cover the heat register on the floor before he started ripping out the wall.

Then there is the plaster crap on my cherry cabinets, the ceiling paint on everything below the ceiling, the paint smudges on my cherry/oak window trim, and on and on.

The thing that makes me crazy is that he keep closing the bedroom door and honestly I trust him as far as I can throw him. At about 285 lbs, most of it beer gut, that wouldn't be very far.

I keep going upstairs and opening the door, half expecting to see him dancing around the room with my underwear on his head.

I think I have hidden anything he might steal, but guys like him are sneaky and he could snag something and be long gone before we would notice..I am thinking ID theft, more than anything. BigD is very lazy about keeping important papers put away....they land on the nightstand, the dresser, wherever. It doesn't matter when it is just us here, but this could be a recipe for disaster.

To make things even worse, he talks about ALL the people in town that he has done work for....naming names and telling me things that are none of his business. I have lived here for 30 years and he has too, so we know many of the same people, I guarantee you, if these people knew what he was telling me, they would be mortified.

He has spent countless hours over the past 10 days telling me how broke he is, how he can't make his house payment, how his wife is getting screwed in her work hours (she is working 35 hours a week in retail) and that she made more on unemployment (they are trying to figure out a way she can get fired so she can go back on unemployment--lovely), how his daughter is married to an asshole, how his business has hit the shitter, (wonder why), and basically complaining about EVERYTHING.

When I tell him I have to get back to work, he follows me into my office. I have to get up and physically direct him back upstairs, where he promptly closes the door, and the whole cycle begins again.

If I survive the next few days, it will be nothing short of a miracle.

Yes, I know this is rambling. That's what you get from a distraught woman with plaster dust in her lungs and sinus rot from paint fumes.

I don't have a title

2009-12-01T10:59:00.003-05:00

I really don't.

I just have a jumble of thoughts blowing between my ears.

21 years ago this morning, a social worker placed my new son in my arms for the first time. I was terrified, thrilled, excited, nauseated, did I say terrified?

He had been in foster care for the 3 weeks since his birth because they wanted his birth mother to be sure she was making a decision that wasn't rushed or hormonal.

As I was typing this last sentence, my cell rang and it was that baby....asking for money. Some things never change :)

I reminded him what day it was and he, with all the love he could muster, said, (and this is a quote) "Yeah, I don't really celebrate this day, it is a pretty dark day in my life"...for those of you (which is all of you) that don't know him....he WAS kidding. He has a very wry wit and loves to bust my balls (bust my boobs just doesn't have a good ring to it).

Also--yesterday, a friend that I have never met, but have gotten to be friends with through this whole passing internet phase (not sure it will catch on), is a new mom. She is bringing home her son today. She and her husband have been on that dreaded roller coaster ride of "will we be picked"...well, they were and now she gets to go home with a new baby, and basically be as terrified as I was that first, oh, 15 years. I would link to her blog, but it might be by invitation only.

Lets see..what else is new? I have 1/2 of my Christmas decorations up. If this year is like most other years, the other 1/2 of the decorations will sit in the boxes shoved off to a corner. I have some serious A.D.D. F.O.L. (attention deficit disorder for old ladies) and have a habit of making WONDERFUL looooonnnngggg lists of things that need to be done, then I misplace the lists. I take inventory around my house. Bathroom needs to be scrubbed...check. Check, as on the list, not completed. I am pretty sure this is an actual disorder but I can't find the list of doctors in my plan that take care of this problem.

OH...I almost forgot...criminal painter is back. He is fixing a wall in the master bath that had some water damage, painting then hanging the border that was wrecked. (Here is one area where my ADDFOL comes in handy....I still have a new roll of the border>>>>>>>that we originally hung 6 years ago. Score.

He is then moving into S2's room. Well, he isn't moving in as in LIVING here, just moving in as in painting. The room is empty so now is the time. It has the most horrid shade of red paint in there now and I am changing it to INA BLUE (yes Ina, I am naming a paint after you). Ina lives in Alaska (who knew that people really LIVED there???). She just did a redo of her bathroom and the color screamed at me. I would link to her blog but my linky thing still isnt working. I will try, but you may have to go to all the hard work of copy/pasting. http://ina-offret.blogspot.com/2009/11/toby-tuesday-let-it-snow.html When criminal painter is done, I will post photos. Now I need to find someone that is moving and selling a solid oak or mahogany bedroom set for about 200 bucks. Wish me luck.

***DAMN.....I just clicked on view blog after I hit publish, and my linky thing DID work...watch out world, OHN learned something new!

I know there is more crap I wanted to say, but I can't remember so I will probably come back later with some huge news that has temporarily leaked out of my ears.

Oh...I just remembered one thing. Do you F.acebook? I started, but I find that I am afraid to ask people to be my friend. What if they really don't want to? It would be like 9th grade all over again. So, how do you handle the friend request thing?

DO YOU B.ING?

2009-11-27T09:07:00.003-05:00

Because of my deep and undying love for all of you....I feel that I need to inform you about Mi.crosofts newest suckyouintoourworld shopping experience.

If you haven't done so already, do yourself a favor and go to b.ing.com (without the period after the b) and open an account. When you go through B.ing to do your shopping you will get cash back.

Yes people. Free money.

I just bought BigD's Christmas present, got it on sale, got free shipping, and got 15% of my purchase price back....thrown right into my pay.pal account.

As I have told you before, I am known for being cheap thrifty and won't give up until I know I have the best deal.

In case you were wondering what I got him, since he doesn't read this, or really know how to do anything online but play games and check email, I snagged for him something that will make him make a little discharge into his undies...or at least raise the flag.

We have an antique television in our bedroom. Since he simply cannot miss an episode of anything that has to do with investigating homicides, where M.ike Row.e (or as I call him-hottie) is making his latest mess, or those guys that find out if things are myths---or can you really blow up a car with tea leaves and vinegar.....I bought BigD a new (no refurb etc) T.oshiba H.D.T.V. 32 inches, more inputs and outputs and any other kind of puts you could ever need, full year warranty, and the list goes on and on.

Guess how much it cost me by the time I got my discounts, shipping and B.ing cash back???

$280 bucks.

Yeah baby.

It is a little more than what we typically spend on each other, but I think I know what he is getting me this year (I have dropped enough hints...for cripes sake, I did everything but take a staple gun and nail the ad to his forehead) and this tv will be a HUGE surprise.

(I am guessing he is going to get me a camera. I have bitched and moaned about my $59 ebay camera for about two years now. Every photo has a ghostly orb floating near the head of the persons picture I am taking--and thanks to Tina way up there in the frozen tundra...I even hinted as to the brand I want).

I mentioned before that I sprung for basketball tickets for the boys, so we will wrap up a little cash for each of them and they are done too.

Now I have to shop for the dogs and me.

Me you ask?

Hell yes. When else am I ever going to get such a great deal on a new sweater or maybe that 4 slice toaster I have my eye on today....originally $60...today $15.

Happy shopping gang..and check out B.ing for your online shopping. **

**I am not getting paid to tell you about them, but if someone from B.ing reads this and wants to pay me....feel free. **

WHAT? Tomorrow is Thanksgiving?

2009-11-25T16:26:00.002-05:00

Why didn't anyone tell me????

I actually am going to have 4, yes people~4 days off IN A ROW. All of my clients offices are closed so OHN gets to sit at her computer, smellin stinky, eating pie, and getting caught up on blog reading.

Oh, and the new-old job? I love it. For those of you new, I worked at one of my clients offices for about 9 months and left for what I thought would be greener (as in cash) pastures....and when I quit that less than green-more like vomit brown, jobfromhell a couple months ago, on a Friday..that next Monday(3 days later) my old client called me up and asked if I would ever consider coming back. They had no idea that I had spent the weekend looking on M.onster and C.raigs list looking for some work.

Karma.

This week, the manager looked at me, and smiled and said ---and this is a quote---"do you know how wonderful it is to have you back? " It could have made a girl cry.

It is sooo nice to be appreciated. She said I am the only one that has held that position that hasn't screwed up something significant enough that she had to scramble to fix it.

Too bad the doc is a solo practice or I would nudge for more bucks. The larger groups have more cash flow, but they are also more stressful and this job is so low stress it isn't even funny. The manager and I have a freakish ESP between us and I know what she needs before she says it...together we are unstoppable :)

So, I leave his office, come home to my office and continue to work, but I am such a good boss to me, that I give me as many breaks as me needs...and I don't dock me pay for having to pee. Yes, the other job docked me for a 2 minute pee break...they said I could go, but I had to make it up at the end of my shift. (Because of the way I was logged into their system, they knew when my fingers weren't flying across the keyboard. Assholes.

Also, no puppy yet. My next door friend picked theirs up last night and brought it over to shove that knife a little deeper into my heart. Honestly...it is the cutest puppy I have ever seen..EVER.

So folks, I will be eating tomorrow until my pants break. How about you?

I am making a prediction and rambling.

2009-11-21T14:32:00.004-05:00

Remember I told you that I was feeling weak and losing my willpower about getting another pup?

No, I don't have one....BUT

I made up my mind that I didn't want one. I really wasn't sure I wanted to start all over with a puppy since my others are housebroken and have the calmness that comes with age.

Anyway, when I took my friend over to see the pups, I was relieved (sort of) that they only had 3 boy puppies left. All 4 females were spoken for. I had told myself that IF I got one, I wanted a female, because I am so completely outnumbered in this family by testosterone, and for Gods sake I needed a little estrogen support.

The pups owner told me at the time she was holding one of the females for a lady that wanted one, but her husband had said no. In the meantime, the husband called up the owner and told her he DID want one, but he was going to surprise his wife with it. For a fleeting second, I thought.....could I be that wife? Was that husband MY husband??

This lady would definitely be the kind to tell me that to my face, knowing full well it was me, but keeping it a secret. She would love to regale later, the story of how she told me about the lady getting a surprise, when in fact, it was me. I let that thought go and didn't really think much more about it. My friend did pick out one of the boy pups and is picking it up this coming Friday.

Then the other day, BigD and I had to end up at the same place, where one of last years pups goes to work with her owner....when I got there, he was holding one of the pups. The owner told me she had her dog AND the pup at work.(.her dog goes to work with her every day)...but she said she had the pup there because after work she was dropping it off at its new home.

There was something in her eyes that told me she was lying.....BigD was holding the puppy and looking at me the same way he has done in the past when he has lied to me.....yes, I know the look and that is a story for another day. I am thinking it was a setup and he wanted to see my reaction to holding the puppy and this lady would TOTALLY be the kind that would love to be in on this.

After all these years, I know when BigD is being evasive.

He asked if I wanted to hold the pup and I am telling you, that puppy breath about convinced me that I needed to stick that dog under my sweater and smuggle her home.

I later told BigD that it was good that they didn't have any of the females left because I would be on my way over there to bring one home.

He didn't say a word....no 'you're nuts' or 'are you out of your mind?'.

Therein lies the reason I think he is surprising me with one. He most certainly doesn't hesitate to tell me he thinks I am wrong, AND he never hesitates to tell me I have a Noah complex, desiring my own ark.

Honestly....I can't decide if I want a surprise puppy or not.

I mean, I DO have a name picked out just in case, but I also don't think I will be disappointed if I am wrong.

The photo is of the puppy mommas first litter last year, but they all pretty much look like this. Have you seen a cuter face lately? Oh, and the mom and dad dog, they both belong to BigD's best buddy...guess I should have mentioned that connection earlier huh?

SO...for the prediction...I am guessing next weekend or possibly for Christmas, I will be "surprised" with a puppy. We shall see.

AND YES, SHE IS

2009-11-19T18:00:00.005-05:00

This is Lucious. If you have been reading for awhile, you will remember her from last year when BigD went through his lung surgery. Imagine my delight when we walked up to the check-in desk after a 2 1/2 hour drive to the medical center, and we were greeted by dear sweet Lucious.

AND YES, SHE IS.

(and BigD's scans were all good --yay...no more scary lung gunk)

Serial killer and laughing??

2009-11-13T08:01:00.004-05:00

You want to know how the story of a serial killer made me bust a gut last night?

For those of you that may not have heard, there is a man in Cle.veland O.hio that was being served a warrant for his arrest, for rape. When the detectives arrived, they were stunned to find bodies in various degrees of decomposition in his home. Well, one thing led to another and to date, they have discovered 11 women in and near his home. They are beginning to dig in the yard etc....yeah, really bad stuff.

It appears as though all of the women were "troubled" and lived near the killer. Most of the women were drug addicts/prostitu.tes. (Many had children, and when many of the women had disappeared, the families didn't report them missing because the women had a habit of doing that).

Anyway. Last night I was listening to the news with S3. In the news here, they are calling it "The house of horrors". When the newscaster referred to it as that, S3 looked at me and said "wow, that's not very nice". I told him it really was a house of horrors and then he said......

"Oh, I thought they said house of whores".

I'm sorry. I am a sick woman with a warped sense of humor, and even though this is a serious and sad news story, I laughed.

Where did it go?

2009-11-10T07:44:00.004-05:00

Time.

I am talking about time.

Do you ever sit back and really think about all the things that have happened in your life over a certain period of time? It seems to zoom by.

Exactly 21 years ago this morning, a naive, yet mature, 15 year old gave birth to a baby boy.

At the time she was an honor student, athlete, youth group leader in her church, and she was in love. She was in love with an 18 year old boy and they had plans, like so many kids do at that age. They dreamed of getting married some day, having a family and the life that so many people long for.....what they didn't plan, was a pregnancy.

Suddenly their world of future plans were staring them in the face. Right now. Not down the road, or someday....right now.

The girl was very fortunate. When she told her family, instead of chastising her and telling her that she had to have an abortion, or raise the child as a consequence of her actions, they were very supportive, and let her decide what path her life, and the life of her baby would take.

After some careful thought she made the decision that the baby she was carrying needed much much more time, money and attention, than she was able to give him and made a plan for him to have a family, that didn't include her.

Many people make generalized statements about how birth-mothers are so unselfish, and it is true. But to be honest, there is a little bit of selfishness there too. She knew that at 15, her dreams of college and all the years of growing up, would be gone if she became a full time mother. The baby's father was also supportive of whatever she decided. He came from a family that was not supportive and from what I understand, breathed a sigh of relief when the girl decided to not raise the child, as it relieved him of any parenting responsibility.

While this all was going on in their lives, we had no idea how our life was going to change.

It is a strange story of timing (once again), friends, and a little bit of luck.

We had gotten the heads-up from a friend that worked at an international adoption agency, in the town next to us, that they were looking for 5.....yes, just 5 couples to put portfolios together for their first (and it turns out, only) domestic adoption.

We put together all the necessary documents, but there was one problem. We were not of the religion that this agency required. To be honest....I was ready to lie through my teeth to be accepted. By that time, we had been trying to have a family for 8 years. Enough was enough. I would have memorized the bible, word for word, if they had asked.

To attempt to circumvent the faith requirements, we asked our family and friends if they would consider writing to the agency, telling them honestly, the kind of people we are. I later had a chance to read those letters, and was blown away at how great we sounded :)

My biggest fear at the time, were the two things in the profile, that I was certain that a 15 year old girl would be turned off by, but yet, we had to be honest about our current occupations, so we didn't get our hopes up. BigD is in a profession that many teens dislike/fear, and at the time I was obviously working full time, and we didn't know if I would be able to switch to part time or not. So, there was the distinct possibility that I would have to continue to work, though we were hoping I could be a full time mom, but if I did have to continue working, our intent was to work opposite shifts, so that one of us would be home caring for the child.

Ironically....the two things that worried me the most....were the two things that made her select us. She was wise beyond her years. The social worker told me that the girl thought that it was a good thing that I had an education and career, in case something ever happened that I needed to provide for the child, in the event that something were to happen to BigD.

Hell, when I was 15, those kinds of thoughts were pushed so far to the back of my head, I am not even sure they were in there to begin with.

We were not told that she selected us. Unbelievably, our dear friend from the international agency was the one the agency board selected to represent the girl. Our friend tried to have another s.ocial worker assigned, she was fearful that somehow her connection to us would cause a problem down the line...impropriety issues etc. The higher-ups didn't budge. So, our dear friend sat with this girl as she looked at all 5 profiles. She told me later, she was sweating, because part of her wanted to recommend us, but ethically, she had to remain neutral and in fact, until the baby was placed with us, the girl never knew that our friend knew us personally. Our friend told her after she made her decision, that she had made a great one, that we were known very well to her......this made the girl even more at peace with her decision.

So, 21 years ago this morning, my son was born. I was about 45 miles away and had no idea of his existence.

Two weeks later, BigD and I were getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving with family when we got a phone call from our friend telling us to have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We had known her for 10 years and she had never done that before. My little hmmmmm antennae went up and I told BigD that something was up and I thought maybe we had been picked.

This agency does not do direct placements soon after birth. They are advocates for the birth-mother and want her to be sure she has made the decision that is right for her and the baby, so they placed her baby in a foster home, to give her time to be sure, and not make a hormonal decision.

The Monday after Thanksgiving, we the THE call. The call that we had prayed for and dreamed of, for soooo long. Our son's birth parents had both seen him that morning, to say goodbye, and sign the final papers.

We had a son.

We were to meet him three days later.

So much of that week is a blur. There were bosses to be told that we were taking time off (unlike when you are pregnant, give birth and automatically get sick time etc , we had to take our time off as unpaid leave--that is an issue for another post). We shopped for all the necessities that are needed for a baby, we had gotten nothing ahead of time, as having a room ready before that, was just too painful. Walking past an empty nursery is miserable.

I probably don't even need to say that neither of us slept on Wednesday night.

Thurday, Decemb.er 1, 1988 was the best day of my life. We had to wait at the agency for over an hour as the s.ocial worker got lost coming from the foster family's home to the agency so I was a total wreck, worried there had been an accident, the paper work fell through, the birth-mom had changed her mind, etc etc.....little did I know, that was only the first time I would worry about my child....it actually hasn't stopped since that day :)

Every N.ovember 10 I think about the young girl and the big decision she made. He is MY son, but in a sense, he is hers too. I know he is a part of her heart and that she thinks about him frequently. (To read a little more about her and how I found her 3 years ago...you can go back and read my post entitled (I think), G00gle rocked my world).**actually I just went back to find it so I could put the link, and I remembered that I had deleted it because at the time I was afraid of recognition....I will repost that story in the near future.

So, if you will excuse me, I am going to go have a good cry (I do that when I am happy sometimes), look at some photos, and try to figure out how 21 years have gone by without me knowing. (Yes, I have talked to him this morning. He went out with two guys, and his brother, last night at midnight, and bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate---I forgot to ask him if they carded him!)

Strange week and "Eddie" update

2009-11-07T09:03:00.002-05:00

First the Eddie update.

He is awake and talking. (for those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, read my post from last weekend).

He has no memory of what happened, and in fact, when he woke up enough to realize he was in the hospital, the first thing he said was "why am I in the hospital, is my cancer back?". His father told him no, that he tried to kill himself....Eddie said he didn't believe him.....that he would never do that and Eddie asked "did you do it dad?" . There are many inconsistencies in this whole scenario....I can only hope that the investigation doesn't stop, because I have a sick feeling there is more to this than it appears.

Earlier this week, the mom called the school and asked if they could do anything about "kids talking" about the event. She told them the family is "embarrassed". When I first heard this...I thought surely she wasn't making this tragedy about her and her husband. But, it appears that her worry was what people would think of them as parents....not what help her son obviously needed. BigD thought I was being too hard on her, but I cannot imagine caring what people thought of ME when my child was hovering near death. If anything, I would hope it would open up dialogue at the school about reaching out for help when you need it. What I didn't post earlier in the week was that the detective that was on the scene that night, interviewing the father, said he has never seen a parent with such a LACK of emotion. He said it did not appear to be shock, just indifference.

Dad and Eddie were the only ones home at the time. He had told the detectives that he had been administering CPR, yet, after being released from the chin-up bar where he had hung himself with a belt, the father laid him down on the landing of the stairs, with his torso down over the first two steps. Also, when the paramedics removing his shirt at the scene, there was no evidence of any pinkish skin irritation on the chest, which would appear if CPR had taken place.

There are so many things about this event that just don't add up.

This whole week has been one strange thing after another. Bizarre calls at work, the military base shooting, the office shooting in Orlan.do, and the serial killer about 20 miles from here and just various odd happenings.

I went to bed last night at 8:00 because I was just drained..... and had a crazy crazy nightmare. It involved my mom, a police cruiser and my beagle. It is too weird to even type about, but it woke me up confused and shaken.

The moon must be in a very weird place right now.

The most horrible of nights *UPDATE

2009-10-31T20:04:00.003-04:00

If you are a believer in prayer, or angels, or any higher power making decisions, tonight, please give a thought to one of S3's teammates.

This afternoon, a boy (I will call him Eddie....because he reminds me of Eddie Munst3r) got in trouble for shooting off M-80's in the woods by his house...(those are big firecrackers for those of you not in the know) and the police were called. He and his friend were taken to their homes for their parents to take care of the discipline.

Eddies father, is a drunk. He is loaded at every game he comes to. He reeks of booze, and yells at his son from the sidelines.

If Eddie misses a pass (he and S3 play lacrosse and football together), his father yells at him --and everyone within shouting distance--that he is pissed. His son has to be the star.

The ironic part is that Eddie IS a good athlete. Amazingly he BEAT brain c@ncer when he was just 10 years old. It was a very rough road but the kid is tenacious and he rallied back.

Consequently, he is a couple of years older than his classmates, but on par emotionally. He has had some issues with temper, and sadly, doesn't have a lot of friends, as he is somewhat unpredictable and difficult to be around.

S3 only has two "friends" out of dozens that I have told him are not welcome in our home....Eddie is one of them.

He was here once for a little gathering S3 had, and when all the other kids were outside shooting hoops, eating hot dogs and having fun, Eddie was wandering around inside. I was keeping an eye on him and at one point, picked up our cat, held him like a football and drew back to make the pass. Yes. He was going to throw the cat across the room.

I came in just in time, yelled his name and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me, as though nothing was wrong, set the cat down and walked outside. ....no hint of remorse or acknowledgment that anything was amiss.

This afternoon, after the M-80 incident, he went to his room and tried to commit suicide.

My heart is devastated for his mother. His father, will drink himself into oblivion and I can't help but wonder if whatever he said to Eddie when the police brought him home, is what sent Eddie to that dark place.

We have known this family for years through sports. At one tournament, the mother and I were the solo mom's...our husbands couldn't make the trip so she clung to me, and I could tell she was breathing life without her oppressive husband with her. She talked, she laughed, she smiled....all things that were never present when Eddies dad was around. I saw a very different woman that weekend.

By the time the rescue squad got to their house today, Eddie was barely clinging to life. He was unresponsive, unconscious but he was breathing shallow breaths. On the way to the hospital, he was posturing. (this is a body's reaction to significant brain injury).

Our hospital is a small town hospital, but we are very close to several trauma centers and they flew him there.

As of the time I write this, we don't know if Eddie is going to make it or not.

I feel as though someone kicked me in the gut. Now, I feel terrible for not welcoming him into my home (though, truth be told, very few parents welcomed him, so I am sure I am not alone in my guilt).

I wonder if he needed someone, and that breaks my heart. His mom has been through so much, I cannot even imagine where her head is tonight.

**UPDATE**

The last word we got last night, was that Eddie is on a ventilator in ICU. Later today, they will do a more in depth assessment, but as of last night, he had a 50/50 chance of survival, depending on what the amount and duration of his lack of oxygen did to his brain. If he survives, he has a very great chance of significant brain damage.

I am still stunned that his boy really believed this was his only option.

His mother warned me

2009-10-30T18:39:00.002-04:00

BigD's mother warned me before we were married that BigD has never taken criticism well.

As a child, teen, and even adult, he would have an internal meltdown when he was called out for a mistake....either big or small.

You see, he doesn't think he is ever wrong. E.V.E.R.

It is the one thing about him that drives me batty. When I make a mistake, I own it, and try not to do it again.

Two days ago he got a letter from the bank notifying him of an overdraft in his account. He shook his head and said they must be wrong and I foolishly thought he would promptly call them and correct the "error" (which I knew was his, not the banks, but I kept my mouth shut).

Fast forward to today. ANOTHER letter. He never even picked up the phone. Did he think that it would just solve itself?????

Now he is seven days over-drafted at 8 bucks a day, plus the initial overdraft fee, and the actual FOUR HUNDRED dollars he spent, when it wasn't there to spend.

He has no idea how he did that....but I know. He was away with 3 other guys at a training seminar and I know that he was using his debit card, without even giving it a thought.

We have several checking accounts and this one is the one he uses for his stuff. About 10 days ago, I deposited $1500 into that account and he was like a kid in a candy store.

New boots, a fancy new power washer, etc etc.

He debited and debited until he was happy with the amount of toys he had, subtracting incorrectly in his head, not bothering to write any of the debits down.

This would be a good point to tell you that I take care of all the bill paying......because of the fact that when he did it earlier in our marriage this sloppy math happened on a regular basis.

So, today, he asked if I could transfer money to cover the damage.

He could tell I was pissed. I honestly don't care what he buys or what it costs, I just want him to freaking pay attention!

So, being the horrid woman that I am, I asked him "how on earth do you spend $400 and not know that there isn't enough to cover it". It wasn't said in anger, just disgust.

He told me not to give him "attitude". I dropped it there and walked out of the room. Had I stayed, it would have gotten ugly. Really ugly.

I am so pissed right now I can't see straight.

He has issues with appearances. He always has. If we are out with another couple, he always insists on picking up the tab, because he doesn't want them to think that we can't.

He has to have things for show. He wants people to think that we don't struggle to live where we do, to drive the nice cars we have etc etc.

Both of his brothers are very very well off. Lots of bucks, and no worries. BigD has always felt lesser because of his 'average' financial status in the family. This is so stupid I can't stand it. Neither one of his brothers has ever looked down on him in the least.

We don't have tons of debt, (thanks to me paying things off whenever I can--not to brag, it is just important to me, and much less stressful for me, if I don't have to worry daily about who we owe--so call it self preservation).

He does know that me handling the money is for the best....but he wouldn't say it out loud to save his life.

So...he is now pissed at ME, because I had the nerve to point out to HIM that this is something that he caused by his carelessness. (though I never used those words). He left here with S3 for a Friday night football game with a huge chip on his shoulder. How in the hell is this MY fault?

It is times like this, that make me even more sure, that I would never ever get married again.

Yes, I know, never say never.....but honestly, sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

Marriage is even harder than parenting. At least the kids learn from their mistakes.

What makes a person unable to accept their flaws??? None of us are perfect.

S1, S2 and S3, all know that their dad cannot admit failure at anything. Thankfully, they have been able to use it as a lesson, and all of them are able to say, "I screwed up" and move on.

I know this is rambling, but I had to get it out. I am sure I will toss and turn tonight and have to resist the urge to smother someone that is in bed with me.

And I don't mean the dogs.

High school--friends or foes

2009-10-29T18:10:00.002-04:00

Did all of you love your high school years? Most of my adult friends go on and on about all the fun they had in high school...best years ever....would love to go back....

I must be very very odd. I really don't remember much about high school, and the parts I do remember, do not include a significant amount of great times.

I was always hovering between mortified, terrified, and humiliated.

I have recently been contacted by a couple of girls from my Alma Mater about a possible reunion. They actually seem very nice. I do remember them, and remember that they were the "smart ones" in the class.

We have reconnected via f@cebook and to be honest, when I got the first note from one of them, I IMMEDIATELY felt 15 again. Nervous, envious, uncomfortable, wondering why they friend requested me, was there an ulterior motive, did they just want to see if I had gotten fat...did I say insecure?

Today, after I sent a catch up letter to one, she sent one back. She said (and these are her words) I must admit I was quite surprised to read that you considered yourself, shy and insecure in high school, I remember you as a friendly girl who was nice to everyone.

I had to read that twice. Certainly she couldn't be remembering ME. It is so strange to hear how other another person observed me to be.

If I was nice to everyone, it had to have been because I was terrified of being made fun of for not being rich (it was a private girls school), for not smoking pot (though there was that one time in a cornfield...never mind), for not drinking (I drank B@@nes Farm Strawberry Hill with my friends from the wild public school) and I was dating a senior from the wild public school when I was a sophomore (and he was reaaallly hot), and I never went to any of the parties that the cool girls had (though, since I was never actually invited, that wasn't a stretch).

It was a long 4 years of my life that weren't exactly fun. My home life was a little hard (bizarre step-father) and I felt very disconnected from people--I thought. I didn't find out till years later that I most likely was suffering from a combination of anxiety and depression. If I had only known then.....I wonder how my life would have been different.

So~~what were your high school years like?

A story and a two question quiz

2009-10-28T07:38:00.004-04:00

Sadly, this week in our small city, a 7 year old boy lost his life in a house fire.

It was not long after midnight when a passerby noticed the fire and called 9-1-1.

An officer was very close by, and was at the scene in less than 90 seconds.

By the time he arrived, the 31 year old mother and her 4 other children were outside. She told the officer that her 7 year old was upstairs.

The officer tried to go up the stairs, but was pushed back by flames.

The fire department was on the way, but a neighbor brought over a ladder and the officer climbed to the second story bedroom, broke the window, climbed in and grabbed the boy from his bed.

He handed the boy out the window to the firefighters/ paramedics that were on the scene by this point, and the squad took the boy, and the cut, and burned officer to the hospital.

It was determined that the boys 4 year old brother had accidentally started the fire, lighting a cigarette, from a lit candle. He was afraid he would get caught, so he tossed the cigarette into the closet to hide it.

These are the facts. No embellishment, no exaggeration.

Last night, the police department got word that the family is blaming THEM because they didn't save the boy.

The word lawsuit is being tossed around.

Am I crazy to think that the fact that a 4 year old was up at midnight, playing with fire, no parent was supervising, that maybe the fault has nothing to do with the officer that is burned and sporting stitches all over his arms from trying to rescue the boy?

Call me crazy then, because I am disgusted that blame for this tragedy is being shifted to the person that had nothing to do with this child's primary care.

I know this officer. He is a wonderful human being. He is married with young children of his own, and this tragedy has torn him up, not only with his numerous physical cuts, but his heart is broken that he couldn't save the little boy.

Here is the quiz. Am I missing something? Is it somehow not a parents job to know what their 4 year old is doing at midnight?

Fall photos

2009-10-26T17:06:00.003-04:00

The last roses of the season.

Our trees are in full color right now, and the leaves will probably be gone within the week.

This means that soon, we will be in for 7 months of cold, and crazy heat bills, before things come back to life again.

I need to move. This is what I see every time I have to leave the house. They know when I put on my "good" clothes, fix my hair, and I smell good, that means I am leaving...and boy, do they get pissed.

criminal painters

2009-10-25T09:05:00.002-04:00

It is done....and I love it. Because of my cheapass camera, the color isn't represented exactly, but this gives you an idea.

As you can see, the room is very tall, and since I don't do ladders, I had the criminal painter do this room for me.

I love to paint, but I know my limits.

(The white spot you see in the center, isn't a ghostly orb, it is just another flaw in the cheapass camera).

I also had him paint the ceiling in the kitchen. I was STUNNED to see the difference. I thought the ceiling was white already. Wow. I guess all of my years of fabulous cooking took its toll on my ceiling.

BigD is usually annoyed when I forge ahead and have projects, that I have asked him to do for years, completed when he is away. But, this time...he was very happy to have this task completed. He is not a patient man, and when you have to gut a room of years worth of belongings, well, they have to go somewhere, so the rest of the place looks like a temporary junk yard. Believe me, it is much less stressful to do these things when he isn't around for a couple days. Call it self preservation on my part.

So, one room down, too many more to go.

18 years of boys in a house, well, lets just say, criminal painter needs to stay out of jail and on my speed dial.

15. YEARS??!!

2009-10-21T15:02:00.002-04:00

15 years ago this morning, I was sliced and diced and became a mother for the third and final time.

My baby turns 15 today.

He woke up and announced: "ONLY SIX MONTHS TILL I GET MY TEMPS! YES!"

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Criminals and remodeling

2009-10-20T14:02:00.003-04:00

Ok. So here is the story. This kind of shit can only happen here in the nutty household.

A couple of years ago S2 worked one summer for a local painter/remodel guy in town, who is the father of one of S2's friends.

If you have been reading here for awhile, you may recall that this painter, though a really nice person, took 3 months to pay son the last $90 he owed him. This really ticked me off and I swore I would never hire this guy again for any jobs.

Fast forward to now. I am a couple years older, the bedroom that needs to be painted is two stories high, and I hate being on ladders.

BigD is out of town at a school till Friday, so I get the big idea to have the room painted as a surprise for him (also I want it done in this century, which meant hiring someone outside of this house to do it). I thought of this 3 days ago. So, since I don't do heights, I went on the prowl for a painter to do it for me.

When you only have a 2 day window, you sort of have to take what you can get. Yeah, you know where this is going.

Yep, friends dad was available this week. Now, in his defense, he is good at what he does. But, in the past he has had some significant legal charges leveled at him for his lack of paying bills. Well, I guess to be truthful, he DOES pay but with check paper that is only worth whatever the paper is worth.

Yep..he is a check kiter.

I really don't care, as long as he does my painting for a fair price and does a good job.

Here's the kicker though. Back when S2 was working for him, we found out that this guy had some warrants out for his arrest. Not cool. If you recall, BigD is a whoopdeedoo in law enforcement guy, so our son working for a criminal wasn't a good idea...hence the quitting and waiting for his last check part.

Ok, fast forward to today again. As I sit in my office, painter man is in the room right above me spackling, cutting in edges, and cleaning up woodwork, and basically doing what I can't/won't do.

On a whim, I decided to go to our city/county courts website to see how his old cases turned out. THERE WERE 26 CASES DATING BACK TO 1996. Shit.

The ones at the top had case numbers that were much higher than the ones at the bottom of the list, thinking they were probably newer, I clicked on them.

They are current and active. Right now he is being sued for over $8000.

The kicker.....the dude is supposed to be in court TODAY!!!

I almost shit. So...here is a wanted man, in the house of a law enforcement professional, painting, while the law enforcement professional is in another state.

I am hoping that the swat team doesn't come to the door. It would be a little hard to explain to BigD.

I called S2, because I knew he would get a reeealllly good laugh and his advice~~~

"Wait till the turd is done, then turn him in for the bounty".

Yep, that's my boy.

So, if I don't post for, oh say, about a week......send help.

Take the stairs

2009-10-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

This is one way to get us up off our butts! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lXh2n0aPyw

SUCKY CUSTOMER SERVICE

2009-10-16T08:38:00.002-04:00

Is one of my biggest pet peeves!! I am really beginning to think that people really don't give a shit about their quality of work.

I have been having an issue with my bank for about the last 6 months. All of my "regular" tellers have been moved "UP" the chain to other branches and I am convinced they have trolled the rosters of idiots to fill their positions.

We have 5 accounts with this bank. Yes, 5. I am there frequently and am very familiar with the way things are done there. There are times when I need to transfer money from one account to another...the ones that are linked online are no problem...type a few numbers and boom, money from one to the other.

Twice in the last week, I have had to transfer to my business account that isn't linked to my other accounts, which necessitated a simple phone call and request. I AM LISTED ON ALL ACCOUNTS since I am the bill-taker-carer of the family.

Twice in the last week, I have had to actually argue with the dingbat that tells me I am not allowed to transfer. Twice I have had to talk to the manager to get this taken care of. People, this is a simple thing. She just has to click a few keys on her keyboard. This last time, she told me it would take 48 hours to process....WHAT???? This is money that is already there....we are not waiting for checks to clear etc. This money is sitting in one account being shifted to another account, owned BY THE SAME PERSON.

The last straw was three days ago when she transferred it without an argument. I should have known it was too easy. She transferred it to the wrong damn account.

Is it so hard to do your freaking job? It is all there in front of you. I asked the manager if this was her first week on the job and he told me that she has been with the bank for several years, just not at my branch. I think I know why they shuttle her around.

So, this morning, S1 asks if I can check where his online contact lens order is, as he is over two weeks on his current pair of lenses.

I call the nice people at Len$.com and they tell me the hold up is with my bank. They are denying the charge. It is on my debit card for cripes sake and there is three times the amount needed, already in the account.

Please say a prayer for the person that picks up the phone at the bank in ten minutes when I call. They will really need it.

(For those of you that suggest that I change banks, please realize what a complete pain in the ass that would be. We have had these accounts for over 15 years..my check numbers are in the 3000's, all of my online bills, household etc are all linked with these accounts and it would literally take me days to change everything to new accounts...and honestly....would any other bank be any better??? Customer service sucks. Nobody really cares any more.)

Mama Kat's at it again

2009-10-15T07:50:00.003-04:00

http://www.mamakatslosinit.com

She left her prompts, for elaboration, on this gloomy Thursday.

The Prompts:

1.) Interview your mom...questions might include, How has motherhood changed you? What ages were your favorites? Do you miss having having kids in the house? What was the most difficult part of being a mom for you? What was the most rewarding part? etc... I think I'll ask my Mom if I'm her favorite child and when she dodges the question (again) I'll scream, "DAMMIT WOMAN! Answer the QUESTION!!" Feel free to steal my idea.

2.) Tell us the story of your birth.

3.) How did you parents choose your name? What does it mean? What would you change your name to if you could?

4.) Describe a moment when you realized your mom was more than just a mom.

5.) Write a poem for your Mama.

I chose #4.

I remember that day VIVIDLY even though it was about 4000 years ago.

She and my father had FINALLY divorced and I had already noticed a calmer, less distracted woman taking the place of where my worried mom was. We lived in a nice little ranch style house (the one with the creepy wooden doors that I mentioned previously) and the two of us has settled into a nice routine of me being a kid and her finally being a woman that didn't have to worry about being beaten to death.

One day when I was about 8 the doorbell rang.

Like most kids, I ran to the door, like it was my job, but on the other side, was a man. A man that looked like he was my mom's age. I had no idea who this was, but he asked for my mom, so I yelled to her that there was a strange man at the door for her. I remember him laughing at me because I called him strange.

I remember he was wearing a suit and tie and he smelled good. The kind of good smell that meant you were going somewhere special.

When my mom came to the door, after I had not bothered to let the stranger in the house, my mom let out an "OH MY GOD" and invited this man in. It turns out, they had been friends in high-school and he was back in town visiting family and stopped by to say hi. (I found out much later that he was also divorced and was snooping around to see if my mom was available--yuk, yeah, even all these years later, yuk).

Anyway, this man took up residence in our living room for what felt like an eternity. Laughing, recalling "old times" and talking to my mom about dancing.

DANCING?

I hadn't known till then that my mom was an incredible dancer, and after high school, went to the big city to teach dance. Apparently, she was very well known and well regarded and when she was building this life, she met and married my father and her life went to hell.

But that is only part of when I realized she was more than a mom.

When the good smelling man in the suit got up to leave...mom walked him to the door (I was in and out of the room the whole visit, because I didn't really like the way this man was looking at my mom, and she was giggling...LIKE A KID...and it was weird.

They get to the front door, promise to keep in touch, then it happened. He kissed her. ON. THE. MOUTH. I was completely repulsed. Nobody had ever done that to MY mother. The kicker...when he left, she was SMILING. She had actually LIKED it.

At that moment, I knew she was not just a mom. She was a mom that liked being kissed my men in suits that smelled like dressed up men smell.

As far as I know, he never came back. She explained to me that he was just an old friend, but I think with the horrified, traumatized look on my face, she couldn't have told me anything else!

Do deer eat marshmallows?

2009-10-13T08:55:00.003-04:00

We have a huge deer population in our area. Most of them live in MY BACK YARD. At any time of the day, there will be several wandering around. We have identified the same 9 over and over again. There are two momma's with their babies, that we have watched since they were very very small...smaller than a big dog...and now they romp and play like it is their job.

Yesterday there were 3 bucks, antlers and all, parading back and forth. They were huge. We are not a hunting family, but have friends that spend DAYS in tree stands waiting for deer to "thin the herd", never seeing any. I think it is because they are all roaming around our fire-pit snacking on leftover hot dogs and marshmallows.

Needless to say our herding dog, Harley (part sheltie, part mommawasawhore), loses his little mind. He can either smell them, or hear them, but somehow he knows when they are there. On occasion he misses the fact that they are there, until he jaunts to the yard. Then all hell breaks loose. He barks and barks and barks, running back and forth trying to get them all in order, and they just look at him and laugh. Yes, the deer laugh. Harley is not a very effective herder.

Please excuse the fact that I took the picture through a very dirty kitchen window (where the hell IS that maid anyway??) and enjoy my daily diversion from the real world.

I swear

2009-10-08T18:03:00.002-04:00

I had the craziest conversation today with an office manager of a former client. This client switched to an in-house electronic records system so they didn't need my services any longer (if you have been reading for awhile, this is the client that had no intention of telling me they were switching over......one of their staff was concerned about me not knowing, and being cut off financially without any warning and she told me....yes, it is that office, and that manager that knew for 4 months about the change before I ASKED HER about the "rumor" going around that they were changing.

Last April, I had written her an email asking if they were planning on returning my digital equipment to me. They had a total of 5 units that retailed at close to $300 each. I had let the client use them, at no charge, since I was providing their tr@nascription. Once they converted and wanted to keep the units "just in case", I told them I would need to charge her a nominal fee each month ($10 per recorder) so they could continue to leave them in a drawer gathering dust, rather than me using them for another client.

During our email exchange in April, the manager informed me that they would like to return 2 and keep 3 for incidental use, so the $30 a month (I used to bill out about $1000 a month to them) was a courtesy to them. Two weeks ago, I emailed her again, telling her that since I had not had any work from them in close to a year, I would either like to have my equipment returned, or if they desired, they could re-think the purchase of the remaining 3 units. I told her new they retailed for $300 per unit, but that because of the fact that they were now "used" (though in perfect condition) I would only be asking $150 each. (This is what these units are going for on Ebayy and Am@zon).

I never got a response.

So I sent another email.

No response.

One day I had the need to speak with one of their staff regarding a personal matter and asked her if the nasty manager had quit---nope, she was still there making everyone crazy.

So, today, S3 needed to see a doctor and his doctor happens to be one in that practice.

When I called for an appointment, I told the girl to tell manager that I would be in and wanted to see here either before or after S3's appointment. When we got there, she summoned me into an exam room, glared at me and very defensively stated " I sent you an email twice"...this is before I even had a chance to say--hey, how ya' doin? So right off the bat she was defensive.

So, I very politely repeated the information that was in my very polite email, requesting the return of my equipment or payment for purchase.

She scrunched up her nasty little face and said with great attitude "how much are they??" (seeing it in writing does not convey, in the least, the snottiness of the tone). When I told her they were the same as I had stated in the email, $150 per unit, she harrumphed and said "THAT'S $300 DOLLARS".

I then corrected her, telling her that in fact they had 3 machines, not 2, and she gritted her teeth...honest to god, and started to argue with me. I wonder why for the last year she has been paying me $30 a month for 3 units if she only had 2...hmmmmmm.

She said "but we still use those"...um ok, but they are MINE and I either want them back or you can buy them from me--flake. She had the audacity to tell me they are using my equipment and don't want to have to install another (extremely-brainlessly-simple) program with new units, into their computer, and expected me to say,,,,,oh, that's fine, keep using them.

I told her that I have another client that needs units from me, and I either needed those back (since I no longer receive any work from them, I think I have been rather generous in not getting them back before now!) or bought out, so I could in turn, supply the other client.

So after listening to her argue, watching her face turn red, and seeing her head, damn near explode, I told her I would check my records (knowing that, I am not only a hoarder of useless crap in my house, I also hoard emails ;)

I had put all of our earlier communication from April in a mail folder, so when I got back to my office, I opened the mail and forwarded it right back to her....you know, the one where she told me they were returning 2 of the 5 units. Now, I am not a genius, but I am pretty certain that leaves 3. All the details were laid out in that April email...cost, alternatives etc etc.

Later this afternoon, I got another email from her. She wanted me to ONCE AGAIN, tell her the cost "as you said to me today" (even though she had hit reply to me, from the email that already had the info--duh) so she could present it to the docs.

Being a complete sarcastic bitch that I am, I simply copy/pasted the old email, on top of the chain of emails, only adding the line "as I told you earlier today, and also stated in my previous email of April 6th".......

Let her try to tell the docs that this came "out of the blue". No way sistah. I have a paper trail of your lower case, non-punctuated, no greeting emails.

Trust me, the next time I have to take S3 to see the doc, he will get the truth from me. I am a bitch like that.

To be continued...........

When I look in the mirror

2009-10-07T14:15:00.003-04:00

This is for mamakat http://www.mamakatslosinit.com. Every Wednesday she gives out assignments that need to be posted on Thursday.

This week, I decided to participate, using the prompt : When I look in the mirror.....

I see a women that is much older than the person making the reflection. In my mind that lady in the mirror still thinks she is in her 20's, yet she is more that twice that, but thankfully, has twice the experience than that 20 year old had.

I see tired eyes, where there used to be bright blue, innocent eyes.

I see wrinkles, and creases, where there used to be pale white, smooth skin, covered in freckles.

I see someone that is worried about growing old and losing her ability to take care of herself. Independence should be cherished.

I see a woman that has always worked, but has been blessed to have work that enabled her to be home when her children hopped off the school bus, and sat at the kitchen table telling her about their days at school. This is a very very grateful woman.

I see a woman that could write at least 2 books about her life. The life that has caused those wrinkles and creases.

I see a woman who has had most of her life dreams fulfilled. Only needing to see her children happily married, and with their own children, to make her life complete.

I see my mother.