Saturday, August 28, 2010

Things are sucky..or is it suckie?

I have been absent here for quite some time. Along with being busy things have just been sucky/suckie at chez OHN for a bit.

To be honest, I really don't know what is going on. I am sure there is a component of unsettledness (yes, it is a new word that I will petition Webster to add)to my emotional state with S1 and S2 both being basically gone and on their own for real this time. S1 is working and finishing up his degree a couple of classes at a time. When the job was offered, it was a stepping stone to what he really wants to do, so he would have been nuts to turn it down.

S2 is transferring schools to have a shot at getting into a co-op program for an amazing opportunity. The agency he is aiming for only hires every 5-8 years and there are 5x as many applicants as there are positions. This acceptance into the co-op guarantees you a spot after graduation (provided you don't turn out to be a terr.orist, or some other unswarthy creature). He met the 3 BIG GUYS in charge for this area of the country and they all were courting him. They loved what they saw in him and he has been on cloud 9.

So, obviously they are doing why am I in such a funk?

I will tell you. BigD has been a shithead to me for about a month now. No matter the question I ask, even simple like..."do you want me to fix something to eat?" met with a growl and a snappy answer. I tell you, it is getting REALLY old.

We had a period in our marriage 12 years ago that we almost split. Nobody knows. At that time he said he just wasn't happy, (and there was some other crap too involving sharing his feelings with a female friend...feelings he should have been sharing with me~~that is a post I have yet to write, but think I will because it is an important topic). We were able to work things out, but ever since then I haven't felt quite the same about him. There is always that lingering hurt and anger. Do I love him? Yeah, I do. Does he love me? Yeah, he does. But I also don't know how long I am willing to tolerate being treated like my presence is an annoyance. When I try to ask him about it, he gets irritated (just like asking about dinner)then 2 hours later he is telling me he loves me. I have whiplash people.

His father, near the end of his life, treated his wife (bigD's mom) like this too. I always vowed that I would never allow myself to be on the receiving end of gruff, grunted answers.

I am not old. Okay, compared to some of you I am VERY old, but I am not to the point in my life where I can look ahead and see the next 20-30+ years being an appendage rather than a partner.

He says "nothing" when I ask what is going on. He says he is tired, stressed etc....this is a man that loves to laugh and lately isn't seeing joy in very much. I even made a couple of doctor appointments for him. He has been on a very mild anti.depressant for years and I don't think it is effective any more. I am tempted to spike his water with a high dose.

This whole grumpy attitude is apparent to more than just me. The boys have all asked, in some form, "what the hell is dad's problem?" So, it isn't just me. In fact I had to convince S2 not to come to my defense. (the two of them are very alike, strong willed, thick skulled etc). He told me he can't promise that the next time he is here, if his dad snaps at me, that he won't come unglued and tell his dad to knock it off. I really don't want my 20 year old fighting for my honor. It doesn't sit well with me.

So, that is the main reason I haven't been here. The funks. I am going to try to get BigD alone at some point today or tomorrow (that's another issue, I refuse to talk to him about anything that will spark a loud conversation when S3 is home. He is a really sensitive kid and his world as a high school sop.homore doesn't need to be rocked. He loves us both and it is really hard on him even when voices are raised about minor things, let alone marital crap) is quite possible that as soon as I finish posting this, BigD will come down and be delightful. It is the see-saw effect. I never know which guy is going to walk through the door, and it is sucky...or is it suckie?